Two haircuts in one week...

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Over the weekend, BM had SD7, and now we're contemplating possibly pissing BM off.

SD7's hair is long and wavy, and styling it every morning is a daily challenge for me. She grew out her bangs recently, so those are falling around her chin, and the rest is halfway down her back. Over the weekend, we decided we'd look into getting it cut short, to catch the bangs up to the rest of her hair.

When SD7 came home, her hair was in her usual messy ponytail. We asked if she'd like a haircut this week, and she got really excited. She says she wants it chopped up to her chin. We told her if she cut it that short, she could donate it. DH's mom died of cancer, and SD7 always talks about how she lost her hair. We told her she could give her hair to someone who's sick like her grandmother was and would like pretty hair like hers. She was really excited about all of this.

Then she told us she had a surprise, and we had to close our eyes. When we opened them, she had taken her hair down, and it looked... exactly the same. But apparently, her mom got it trimmed over the weekend. Upon closer inspection, we noticed there were some layers in the front... the whole hairstyle is really adult and sexy-like, falling in her face, etc.

DH said, "OK, then we won't get it cut." And SD7 protested that she told her mom she wanted it shorter, and her mom said it would be OK if she had a "second haircut." We measured her hair and there's still enough for her to donate. And we asked her again and again, "Are you sure you want it short?" She does.

Anyway, we don't feel the need to ask BM's permission to get her hair cut. DH is her father, and he has just as much say in what her hair looks like as her mom. Plus, SD7 wants it short. It would be easier for me to style, and it wouldn't get so hot on SD7's neck or fall into her face so much. DH just wants her to look "like a little girl," because she is. Not to mention her hair grows like a weed.

Anyone else made a hair choice behind the other parent's back? Did the world stop on its axis?

I see where you're coming

I see where you're coming from. I just don't love the double standard so much.

BM didn't ask DH when she had at least a foot of SD's hair chopped off last year, and had bangs cut...which turned out to be a total pain in the butt.

Is DH supposed to ask BM because hair-cutting is a mom thing to do, instead of a dad thing to do? What about what SD7 wants?

I had no idea! I'll have to

I had no idea! I'll have to hunt those threads down. I'll talk to DH and make sure he's ready for the possible wrath.

But, yes, the long hair is SOOOOOOOO burdensome. As the person who does SD7's hair for school, I can attest to this. I actually do internet research as to how to keep it out of her face and not in a giant knot by the time she comes home. And it grows SO FAST! It was up to her collarbones less than a year ago, and now it's nearly to her elbows. I think having the bangs caught up to the rest of it will allow it to grow more neatly.

But again, this is up to DH, not me. He really wants her to "have a little girl haircut." So we'll see...

We have had this happen

We have had this happen before but it was me who took the then 8 year old boy to a barber to get his hair.cut... Nothing crazy, just short on the back and sides and a bit longer on the top.

He went to BMs for visitation and came back with his head buzzed...

My boyfriend was furious. Did not say anything to BM about it, but it really pissed him off that he JUST paid $18 for a really nice cut and BM TOOK HER CLIPPERS FROM HOME and just buzzed it right off...

I would stay away from hair,... Especially if your BM just did something with it.
A boys hair will grow out quick, but cutting a girls hair short, ... Every day BM will look at her daughter and build up hate ....

I feel so sorry for those

I feel so sorry for those poor little girls who have long, long hair because mommy wants to live thru her daughter. Most four year olds don't care about their hair being down to their butt. It is so much trouble and it's the little kid who has to deal with hair she can't wash or comb until she is older. And those snarls hurt.

At 7 a kid deserves some input as to her own personal upkeep.

BM here would ruin SD hair

BM here would ruin SD hair rather then let me (ever though I let SD do what she wanted and asked for) "decide for her daughter". Every time she came back from visitation: practically bald, with Orange hair, with grey streaks, "straightened" aka frizzed out worse then carrot top, etc. I just gave up & told SD to do what she pleases - we would not help her with her hair.

I agree with this ^^^ It

I agree with this ^^^

It would be different if this BM didn't show an interest in your SD hair, but considering she had it trimmed last time to how she likes it, it's very clear that her DD's hair style is important to her, mom's are just like that, I know I am, i would be furious if my DD came home from her dad's with a drastic change of hairstyle.

Our BM got furious over me french braiding SD's hair, there's no way in hell I would get involved about a haircut behind BMs back

SD13 has insanely beautiful

SD13 has insanely beautiful hair. Like GORGEOUS.

Long, thick, no frizz, but she's a kid and hates shampoo (eeeck) and doesn't take care of it. BM used to cut her hair and it looked ridiculous.

Just prior to our wedding (few yrs ago, SD was 10), i knew it hadn't been cut in months and thought, ok great, we can do a great hairstyle for her for the wedding. She had been a flower girl a few yrs earlier and that was the last time she had stepped foot in a salon. SD loved the idea of a nice up do, and we had spent some time looking at pics etc. and found something cute and age appropriate.

The week before the wedding, BM had her hair cut into a ridiculous adult shaggy bob. (you now- lots of layers etc, needs to be styled daily, and impossible to put up)

God forbid I even just wanted to STYLE her hair... never mind cut it...

SD5 and SD7 both had long

SD5 and SD7 both had long hair down to their butts. They both hated it; DH hated it; I hated it. It looked nice for about 5 minutes every morning before kids became kids and the tangles ensued.

I kept it in braids and ponytails and pigtails and anything I could to minimize the screaming and crying that came with brushing their hair before bedtime.

Last summer, DH made the choice to cut SD5's hair about 7 inches. She has really fine hair that tangles sooo easily. SD5's hair is more manageable.

BM flipped out. Now she regularly (like every 3-4 weeks) cuts their hair cut so bob short that it's boyish. They also have bangs that are cut up to the middle of their forehead. She does this to prevent DH from ever cutting their hair again. THAT'S the type of control freak she is .. take away all cut options so she is always in copmlete control.

Sad part is, the haircuts don't even look good. They look like the hair dresser botched the cuts and had to cut extra short to correct it.

She's something alright ..

OK, Wow. I really did open a

OK, Wow. I really did open a can of worms here, didn't I?

A couple of points of clarification...

1) DH and BM have joint custody. SD7 lives with us Monday through Friday, so her hair is largely our concern, considering we're the ones who send her to school.

2) SD7 WANTS her hair cut. She's an active kid, and the long hair gets really out of control. Even when it's up, it's prone to a lot of wispies and gets sweaty all over her neck. She also really likes to wear her hair down with a headband, which is not really an option with it long, as it will come home to us in a giant rat's nest.

3) SD7 wants to donate her hair to help people with cancer. This is her way of coping with her grandmother's death. I'm not sure if that's "petty."

4) In spite of what PPs suggest, this child's hair is indeed a challenge. She has TONS of it, and it gets tangled extremely easily. Also, with the growing out bangs, it always looks disheveled. When we put it in a ponytail with clips, she comes home with the clips somewhere else on her head and long bangs in her face. She has beautiful hair, but must always wear it up to school... or else... it will take over. It's this deadly combination of slippery and fuzzy. I'm the one who has to wash/brush/do it for school, so I know this for a fact. The kid's hair is a lot to deal with.

DH feels very strongly that he has just as much right as BM to make decisions about his kid's hair, ESPECIALLY when it's something she wants. He has decided to text BM and tell her he's getting it cut again. This is not asking permission. Sorry, when the kid lives with us, we refuse to follow some "The hair is BM's territory" edict. She's his kid too.

We're actually donating to

We're actually donating to Pantene. But thanks!

Read the first sentence of

Read the first sentence of the OP's post. When the very opening line is "we're contemplating pissing her off" AND your whole response is about every terrible thing your ex-wife has done .. it makes me wonder.

Is the haircut and all the justifications that go with it REALLY about what's best for SD? Or just a way to piss off your ex-wife?

I agree with Echo .. you sound like you've made up your mind. Several posters have advised you on the reactions you can expect. But if you're intent on doing it; then do it. But when BM blows a gasket, don't say you weren't warned.

Your wife came in here ASKING

Your wife came in here ASKING for input on the situation. You clearly don't need anyone's permission to cut your child's hair. I said nothing about mother's versus father's rights.

But I did tell you that if you think your ex-wife will be pissed off and you do it anyway, be prepared for the fall out. Let's hope she doesn't take these little digs as a way to PAS your child against you and her stepmother.

You need to look at this a

You need to look at this a second time. Yeah, great little speech. Full of bravo I'm the man, and all that jazz. You have daughter residing in your home this school year. You're the one dealing with the grooming of the child's hair and whatever else SM was rattling on about. But don't do this for all the wrong reasons. Cutting daughter's hair at the present moment to 'stand your ground' against BM in some unnecessary attempt at self gratification that you have equal rights with this child is as immature as you tell us ex is. This is a child, not a ragdoll to play tug-a-war over nor to hold up as some prize in the game of 'who is the parent'.

Let the hair grow another six weeks or so. Mom just had it trimmed. The only reason to race out and have it done again seems more to do with a personal need in this sad gane of 'my rights are as good if not better than yours'. Sm says the kid's hair grows faster than weeds. So in likely the six weeks it will be time again to either have it shaped out or actually totally restyled aka cut. Why put the little one in the middle of ex and you? Why go out of your way to proof to child you think her mother is a lousy mother and an incompetent fool?

Sure, Little One can have it cut. Sure Little One can donate it. hey, sounds cool and works for as a very generous thing for daughter to do. Something she will be proud of. But right this week is not the time to do it. No matter what you think of her mother, nor however many times you stomp and want to show your fatherhood as equally important legally as well as in reality, why deliberately smack this daughter's mother to strut your stuff. The kid is not a fence post and this isn't a pissing party.

All I'm asking is for you to think of what lessons you're teaching your daughter. It's no differently than verbal PAS. Wait a handful of weeks then you (not SM) take daughter down and let the clippers fly. Just give it a while and show a bit of respect if for no other reason the feelings this little girl has for her mother. Good mom. Bad mom. Stupid as h*ell immature selfish mom. Whatever BM is, she's still 'Mommy' to the little one and daughter loves her mother. Show a tiny bit of respect to that for your daughter.

What daughter wants, daughter

What daughter wants, daughter gets?

Seriously, waiting a few weeks for another cut may teach your daughter a valuable lesson anyway. Just because she wants her hair cut shorter doesn't mean all the adults in her life have to rush out to get it done. So what if she's been talking about it for 4 weeks? I know very few pre-K aged kids who are that concerned with their hair (without adult coaching or input).

God help you all if you start teaching THIS lesson to your kid now.

If you've just been thinking

If you've just been thinking about if for 6-8 weeks....why the rush now?

You totally missed what I

You totally missed what I actually was saying to you. I could be nasty and state 'how typical of a male to play dumb', but I'm not going to because you seriously don't 'get' it.

Look up PAS. Read it. Think about it. It's way more than saying something in front of a child. Understand that actions speak volumes compared to words. I've got three sons (one is a SS) and I'm banking two if not all three are older than you are. Sure, all three are quite full of themselves and very pro-father rights along with being very involved in parenting. You're so caught up in what you want and how you think things should be (right or wrong) that you totally miss and/or overlook how not only your words but actions too can affect a child. Children have bonds with their parents. Even when they have ignorant or foolish parents.

The initial post from you that I responded to was not one about what child wants or says she wants. It was in regards to your Big Man 'I got rights, why don't woman think fathers blah blah blah'. Sure you can come back now do all kinds of excuses and clarifications. All I'm saying to you is stop and think about not only what you say, but also what you do and the manner in what you do it can and does affect daughter. Intentionally or not. It is what it is. It's in mannerisms and body language just as well (if not louder) than any words that pop out or not of your mouth.

I personally don't give a hoot if you shave kid's head. Makes no difference to me. Now that you've elaborated and expanded on how BM says this and child wants that , fine. Dandy. Cut the kid's hair. But that isn't what the posting between you and I was originally about and you know that. Oh, there's plenty more of the issues to come yet. Daughter is only pushing eight. Today it's the hair cut. Soon it will be clothing, make-up, ear piercing, boyfriends, sports and/or other childhood activities ect ect ect. For the sake of raising a well adjusted functional daughter who isn't caught in the middle with parents tugging her love in opposite directions, please knock that frickin' chip off your shoulder.

I hope your daughter loves her second haircut and has a great school year. Good day to you.

I have 2 daughters. My

I have 2 daughters. My ex-husband took them to get their hair cut a few years ago. My oldest girls hair was almost down to her waist. He had it cut to her shoulders. I wasn't thrilled about it, but what am I gonna do? He is her dad. He has just as much a right to cut their hair as I have to NOT cut it. I told him I prefer it longer, and he said it was hard for him to help them do their hair when it is long. I get it. It's just hair, it has grown back now... seriously, nothing to get angry about.

BUT, I am not bat shit crazy either so....

Is there any reason this

Is there any reason this "second haircut" has to be right now? Why can't you wait a few months and then cut it a bit shorter? Sounds like you are purposefully trying to "put bm in her place" by chopping off the haircut she did. Its been cut so the dead ends are gone and I'm sure the feathering around her face was to blend the bangs into the rest of her hair.

I find it a bit hard to believe that bm has already OKed a second hair cut, when SD didn't even know you were going to cut her hair until she was already returned to you. I find it hard to believe that bm just randomly decided to get her hair cut the exact weekend that you guys decided it. Are you being completely honest that your desire to cut her hair super short isn't just to info bms haircut?

The donating the hair idea seems to have completely come from your guys. She's seven....she's excited about it because you guys pumped it up to her. You made the connection to her grandma with cancer....not her.

Really sounds like you two are trying to screw with bm out of spite.

So if its a done deal and

So if its a done deal and you've already discussed it with bm and she agrees.....why are you posting?

I did insist on anything....I

I did insist on anything....I simply posed the question. Because quite honestly I can't see getting this wrapped up in a haircut for anything other than ulterior motives. Its just a hair cut. Other than wanting to have an issue with bm.....why is this hair cut suddenly an issue of high importance?

If it was just about a hair cut I would just let it go, and get her hair cut how you want the next time its ready to be cut. Bm did it first, so she got the style she picked. Oh well. Wait 3-6 months and get it cut how you want. You guys are putting SD in the middle....its just hair.

FRIKIN FRAKIN UPDATE-- 1)

FRIKIN FRAKIN UPDATE--

1) This is a hilarious thread.

2) DH texted BM and is she is totally fine with the haircut. She also informed DH that she cannot watch her daughter at all this weekend.

3) In reference to the incriminating first sentence of this post, I had not originally included it. However, I decided to write it because I wanted to acknowledge that we were not entirely naive to the fact that what we were doing might piss her off - whether it was logical of her to be pissed off at all. The INTENT is not to piss her off. The INTENT is to honor SD's wishes to get a freaking haircut, with the knowledge that it might piss BM off.

4) DH and I are not the same person.

5) I find it amusing that the same people saying "I wish a kid's haircut was my biggest problem" seem to have even more trivial biggest problems in life - namely, yelling at people who are considering giving their daughter a haircut.

6) I admittedly did not read this entire thread, as I have bigger problems, i.e. my job, to attend to.

Thanks for the advice, folks! Sorry it didn't come in handy!

"The INTENT is to honor SD's

"The INTENT is to honor SD's wishes"

You don't see a problem with this at all? How old is this kid? The same one you just enrolled in pre-K?

I certainly wouldn't be getting bent out of shape over honoring a 4-5yo's wishes.

So you intend is to grant

So you intend is to grant sd's wish to have short hair. Why didn't you grant this wish 8 weeks ago when you first started thinking about it? Why is it now an emergency situation where you need to call a "bat shit crazy" bm to recut the hair she just cut?

That's where people are getng the idea that you are doing this to piss off bm. Sd's hair was fine for two months while she asked for a shorter cut.....and only once bm did cut her hair did this super short cut become priority number one.

You have to admit....that seems funny. For the past two months didn't feel the need to fulfill her wish....but now you are all hung ho t cut her hair twice in one week, right after bm cuts her hair.

I did insist on anything....I

Hemingways

Hemingways Typewriter......

When you wrote this...." I don't need to do anything to piss that woman off - that comes with the territory of having a child with her. Her view on life is fairly immature and she's very quick to expect everyone to lie down and give her whatever she wants, and even quicker to get angry when it doesn't happen that way. When I met my current wife and started to change the way I was just rolling over and doing whatever, my ex wife got angry about that "........... I swear for a moment there I thought you must be my husband. I totally get what you are saying, I live it every day. The crazy ex makes every little thing a major issue, so you get to the point that you feel you have to tiptoe around and second guess every decision..... all the while, feeling like you shouldn't have to tiptoe around and second guess every decision!!!! I feel for you and especially for your wife... she and I probably have a lot in common. I wish you the best!

Nope, I get it....it's not

Nope, I get it....it's not about the haircut. It's about the haircut being "just one more thing". EVERYTHING is "just one more thing" that is ready to push you into insanity. Most of our personal battles have been over the most ridiculous things... I know you should choose your battles wisely, but it gets to a point where you are sick to death of rolling over and letting someone who is irrational and hell-bent on making you miserable get her way every single time.

I didnt read all the

I didnt read all the comments... but in my biased opinion I think it should remain with the residual parent. Sks live with me full time. Meaning DH and I get them ready for school, pictures, anything big. They go to BMs 3 days a month where they are only playing outside. When BM gets a hair and decides to cut the kids hair by herself it usually makes our lives much harder. For instance, BM cutting SDs bangs when she didnt have them. They were so short she looked aweful. We had to take her in to try to get it fixed but the hair stylist said there wasnt much hope. Months later they are finally starting to look normal.... Or when she cut SS's hair so short and uneven that it was unfixable and he nearly cried when he had to go to school. The kids are usually on board, don't get me wrong, but its not hard to talk a small child into wanting something. Whoever is having to deal with the hassle of getting the kid ready should have more say. But of course in a wonderful world, all parents would communicate, but that really doesnt happen.

You are here

Two haircuts in one week...