>It's so unfair.

Seriously? THIS is where you lost me. WHO told you life is fair? YOU got a fair shot by being able to choose whether or not to get involved with a parent. The kid did NOT get to choose being involved in a broken family (and I HATE the phrase). But you are the one who gets to talk about *fair*

Take a step back. Its a little girl missing her mum.
Have some compassion. Hug her and make it hurt a little less.
Just my two cents

Ugh indeed.

There's a couple of things that struck me about this post.

>For the past two weekends, she's had weddings to go to. Instead of getting a babysitter, she just left SD with us.<

Do you have any idea HOW MANY TIMES, we have told my stepson's douchebag-of-a-father, Please, please, PLEASE! If you cannot look after your son because you are too busy, just send him to us! We are totally cool with that! However, SS's father would rather have his son sleep on the floor at a stranger's house then let us come get him. So I think it is great that BM turns to you guys to look after SD. If ever the BM's relationship with you goes south, trust me, BM will do whatever she can to keep her precious from you; not for SD's benefit but purely out of spite.

Talking to SD about the move was (if you would excuse the pun) a bad move on your part. I get that you want SD to feel like she is involved in this process...Really I get that, but anything big like this needs to be discussed with all the adults first (including the BM) before you talk to the child about them. I am saying this from personal experience. We made that EXACT SAME MISTAKE too with my SS. We told him of our plans to move, have a baby ect,...Next thing you know, bailifs were showing up at our house with angry letters from SS's father's lawyer. You gotta keep these things close to your chest. At that age, the prospect of moving is a scary one so obviously they are going to seek comfort from anyone who is going to lend them a kind ear.

That being said, it seems to me like you have a good idea about what you think the custody schedule should be like. I am assuming that the father wants it this way as well? It does sound like you have this child's best interest at heart which is why her saying "I want to be with Mommy" is very painful. My SS said that to his Dad once, and his Dad unleashed a barage of vitriole on him so he never broached the subject again. Don't get too wrapped up in the child's wishes. Like other's said, it is okay for her to miss her Mommy. How you validate those feelings is up to you.

You're wondering why a 7 year old kid is missing her mother? Wow.

You told a 7 year old kid she could help you pick out your new place and decide where she should live. Double wow.

After reading your story and reading the responses from your DH, I think we already know who the crappy parent is.....and it's not the BM.

FYI - I have no bios and I'm not pro-BM. You are both wrong to put this kind of stress on this poor child. She is a kid. You are supposed to be protecting her from this kind of chaos, not creating it.

I hope for this child's sake, that the BM retains custody.

****STANDING UP WAVING HARDS**** Proud to be an "Echo Cronie"

You know. Like it or not, sometimes the best advice is the advice you DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

Hopefully some of this will resonate in your brain and you can at least walk away with some type of understanding of the situation you are putting this little 7yo (whom you love?) in.

The child is being crucified because she misses her mom. That's real nice. I am sure I have been where you are. DH and I are far better providers for SS, and GUESS WHAT... he prefers his MOM right now. They are kids. They don't get a lot of it... yet.

You are allowed to vent but one thing about the forum is we can help you see and analyze your vent in ways that you and blinded too.

I will say this - I do know how it feels to be the "fun" household and have the BM missed however that is still her BM. And honestly no matter what BM does no matter if she only had contact with the child once a month of something like that SD will still miss her mom. After my parents divorce I did visitation mainly with my grandmother because my BF did not want anything to do with me at the time, mind you I was 11/12 I still missed him and would tell anyone who listened how much I missed him - and it's not even like him and I were close as during my life while my parents were married he only lived in the same house as us for a year as he was getting a doctorial degree or in college for most of my life. It is a child's instinct to miss a parent no matter what. So, yet it sucks but you chose to be in this child's life and comments like this and

I do think your DH and you are crossing a line by telling DH so much information and no you may not be able to control what DH says but it is your household too and you should be able to suggest to him that y'all hold off on some information until certain things have been finalized. I moved a lot 3 schools in 3rd grade and never got a say into where we moved, or anything like that - nor was I told until anything was finalized not even when I got older. I can see her being able to maybe go with y'all to look at houses, or pick out her room but that should be the extent of her say so.

I will say that you may not want to PAS, you may be the most positive person when talking about BM however if you show irritation towards her missing her mother and SD notices this is a slight non-intentional form of PAS. I know we got annoyed and we all do it but I learned this the hard way when SS told DH that I didn't like BM because I was changing the subject when he would talk about her during the beginning of the relationship - and I wasn't like saying we couldn't talk about BM but I would ask about other things or his day and he asked DH "Does SBM not like my momma? Is it wrong for me to talk about my momma like I do?" and little things like that and he was 3/4 at the time kids notice stuff even the most innocent thing if not done properly can make a kid feel like you are criticizing a parent.

I hope that this all works out in the most healthy way for your SD - she shouldn't have much say and shouldn't be forced to feel in the middle choosing between parents. Let the courts decide or look at the original decree - I know in both ours and my MILs it has a section addressing if a parent moves a certain distance away.

"So, because we want to be honest and up front with our child"

Delete the word OUR she is YOUR child Sir and after the display I have seen here I
use that term loosely. Your wife has no dog in arguement and a court will tell her that as well as you.

You have set your child up for a PAS war that doesnt need to be had. And let me tell you who is going to take the blame. HER SM.

Personally by discussing this situation with your 7 year old daughter you have broken every rule regarding the laws of the court. Judges and courts dont like when you speak to young children like this.

If your the great father you claim to be zip it and have your fight in court and dont involve your daughter. Be a f'ing man.

And dont talk to the people here on this sight like this, who the hell do you think you are.

And guess what. BM having every weekend with that child is bullshit too. What so you and your wife can have little mini vacations. Get over yourself and do what is right for your child.

Just woke up and checked this thread :jawdrop:
If Mr and Mrs OP have such a united front... why bother coming here?
My fdh knows his kids treat him like crap and his ex is a manipulative money hungry cow. He doesn't need me pointing it out. That's why I'm here. So I don't have to vent on him.
I've not been around here all that long but its the first time I've seen"honey they don't agree with me... can you go online and abuse the people who didn't agree with the way we treat your kid?"
I think we've been trolled folks!

Why am I confused? I see nothing wrong with what the poster of this asked. I think a lot of people are being rather harsh. I see even people swearing at eachother?! No matter what that is not a good way to give advice. I am sorry to the person who wrote this.

Anyways my input (if you want it), I can see the little girl missing her Mommy after that long of a period of time (if you had her through the week also). As far as letting her know you guys are moving, My SDs would have been pissed had we not included them in our move and so would have their BM. I think a move is an all around family move. So I see nothing wrong with you including her in it. Maybe you should have included her while BM was finding out maybe but its ok. I don't see you did a whole lot of damage there.

The move and where the kid goes is between the parents, I know in some situations, the step mom doesn't get any credit, I have dealt with that BUT one thing I would get credit for was being a parent also. BM included me too whether we got along or not. Actually I remember one time where we all as parents tried an intervention with SD19 when she was 16 about the drug use and I remember BM saying that she was not bringing along her new husband because he hasn't earned that right, I asked her if she wanted me to leave the situation and she said "No, you have earned that right, you helped raise her" so I think each situation is different.

Anyways, if you are truly worried about her being with BM then DH and her should go to court for a change in custody. One thing I can say is we too were worried about BM and how she was and is BUT that is true that you cant completely pull a child from their mother, not saying father cant do better, my DH was the main provider and parent for ours. I am just saying if she loves her mom, you have to let her and one day she will see for herself who the parents really were. I had that happen with SD22..everything was her mom, funny now she comes to us about everything. She talks to me regularly like I am her parent too. I don't know moving is a tricky situation and you just have to make it in the court records as to what DH and BM want. Unfortunately with courts, step moms don't mean squat...hard I know.

Anyways I hope this was helpful.

I'm just curious. If the BM wanted Dad to take daughter for the school year and can't be bothered to want daughter during the visitation weekends, did BM actually say DD will be staying behind with BM?

I didn't read all the comments (I see Papa Hemingway still has that chip on his blowhard shoulder ) as after the initial mud slinging and when again Papa Hemingway comes racing to the rescue of his little damsel in distress (rolls eyes), I didn't bother with the rest. I did get the child was consulted and allowed to give input "I want to stay with mommy", but I didn't catch where Papa Hemingway and BM actually sat down and discussed the options and best interest on where the child would live. Did BM the child is staying put, end of talk?