I feel like an outsider in my own home...
There are some issues going on in my home right now that make me feel like an outsider in my own home. My mother in law has become increasingly distant and a bit snotty since my husband and I got married last year. She pretty much doesn't speak to me even when she's in MY house. She doesn't initiate conversation nor entertain mine. When I've started a convo with her and in the midst of a statement, she's turned her body away from me and started talking to someone else in the middle of my sentence. I found that to be very condescending and well, just crappy. My husband notices it, admits to seeing it, yet wont say anything to her about her behavior. He wont ask her what her problem is; More importantly, he doesn't set the tone and say, " Whatever problem YOU have with Diane is YOUR problem. She's done nothing to you and you really don't have a right to feel negatively towards her. However, since you do, that' something you'll have to deal with yourself. In the meantime, you won't continue to treat her disrespectfully. If you don't like her, don't come over." To me, that would be a respectful yet firm way of setting the standard. Unfortunately, I'll never get that.
Today something else happened today that really has me feeling like somethings really wrong. In a nutshell, I called him on his cellphone after waking up from a nap with the baby. The only reason why I called him was because it was very out of character for him to leave without saying so, even if I'm sleeping. My 16 yr old daughter simply said, " He left" when I asked where he was. When he answered his phone he was pist off asking me why I called him. He said, " So what I left without telling you, you were sleeping. Who cares, So what I left; So you had to call me?" I was totally taken off guard and speechless. He'd always told me that he wanted me to know that I could always call him anytime for anything and to never feel as if I couldn't. Normally, I NEVER call him for anything when hes out and about. This time (a first in a long time) he reacts inappropriately. I didn't ask him where he was or what he was doing. I simply said, "Hey babe, I didn't know you left." He said angrily, " Didn't Tia tell you I was with my mom?" I said, " "no, but why does it matter? You're still pist off that I called." He said, " No, Im not mad ( he yells), but had she told you, you would have never called." Does anyone see where Im going with this? Then he asked me why didn't I just text him? Can anyone here see why Im upset? - or am I not seeing his point of view...that if Tia had told me everything instead of making it appear that he just skipped out, I never would have called. Again, Im not sure why me calling instead of texting was so bad. (Any insights?)
Also, he as a problem with me and our daughter going with him to drop off/pick up his boys to his ex. He becomes angry and defensive and wants to know WHY I want to go with him. He didn't really have a problem with it before...before and during my pregnancy...Now, his ex began being a bit snotty and rude once she realized I was pregnant and married to him. She became very very jealous (not sure why since she herself is married with 2 kids from the marriage). My husband Never married her...maybe thats why..and he always wanted a girl, which he got from me and all boys from her. (HAAHAA!) sorry...
Anyways, Im just not understanding why I'm having to deal with this? I feel like not one person is my advocate. I know my husband's ex girlfriend and mother of his 3 boys is a bit more cordial when Im not around, and it makes me feel like he's catering to her wishes..feeding into her BS if you will. This, plus the treatment from his mother is really taking its toll on me and how I feel about myself. I think alot has to do with his refusal to advocate for me and to not care about his ex's likes and dislikes. I feel like hes putting me aside to make everyone else happy, which in turn makes things more tolerable for him. In the end, it's my feelings that are crushed because not only do his ex and his mom dislike me, (which makes me feel bad to not be accepted), but not even he will help me. I feel like Im just not important enough to him. This makes me feel unloved and discarded.
If someone here can maybe help me with advice or another perspective, Id so appreciate it.
I dont go with him. My
I dont go with him. My questions is why does he have a problem with it in the first place and why does he react so strangely?
Well I feel that a person who
Well I feel that a person who acts defensive and upset that I called and DIDNT nag him is maybe hiding something? Again, I will never get him to advocate for me....do I leave?
Dee I feel for you and I can
Dee
I feel for you and I can only imagine how you feel. I guess I would have a problem with having to explain to my BF or Husband why I called him. Why would he be so angry and annoyed that you called?
Unfortunately welcome to the wacky world of being involved with a man with kids from a previous relationship. TO me until you gain a certain level of control and respect from you husband this is going to only get worse. Men in these scenarios have got to step up and be men whether it is a rude, controlling ex spouse, MIL, or even the kids. It sound like you are justifying to much why you called him and it sound like you have to have a reason to meet his standard of important? WTF
Next time she turns away
Next time she turns away while you're talking to her ask DH where her keys are, and tell her you're going out to start her car.
When she asks Why? Tell her: Well, MIL, because you seem to have left your manners at home, and I think it's time for you to go get them.
Then go start it and give your DH a death glare that tells him without words he best not DARE go turn off that car or defend HER in YOUR home.
Next time you call to say hi, and ask what he's doing, and he yells at you, GO NUT!! Start yelling right back that he has no reason to go ape shit on you and if he thinks treating you that way in front of his mother is appropriate maybe he better go live with momma for a while.
The only reason i ever went along on drop offs was because I knew it drove BM insane and she'd get all pissed off and send a 15 text message rant. I went on a few whenever she deserved a good looksee at the real world
Your MIL is doing exactly
Your MIL is doing exactly what my SIL would do to me. Husband, like yours, did see what his sister was doing and never said a word.....I was to take it. I did for 15 years and for 15 years all that I pushed down to keep peace with her erupted like a volcano. I am telling you this as it can happen to you. It is a control issue for them, a way to put you under their feet, trying to make you feel bad. After my volcano eruption where I finally told SIL off, I then ignored her, to the point I would not attend any family function and have not in 5 years. Husband didn't want to attend if I didn't attend. I think SIL finally got the messgae. She emailed me last week asking if we could start new.
It would have been easy for your husband to leave a nice little note or give a message thru daughter. His defense reminds me of a passive aggressive behavior, trying to find blame in you for his own actions.
You mentioned you felt your husband was tending to everyone's needs but yours, and it may be that you are the one he feels he can please. I know I felt the same with my husband. He was so intimidated by his ex and refused contact, would not deal with her unless he had to and then he had no back-bone to tell her or anyone else to back off.
Unfortunately, unless your husband gets what you are feeling and wants a change you can count on dealing with the same. I have been with my husband for 22 years and he has been the same ole guy you are describing your husband to be. Only change made was when I would say something and then of course it wasn't my place.
Yep Avri, that sounds like
Yep Avri, that sounds like control issues. I really do not have a problem with people thinking they can control me, that's their delusion! We humor BM and just let the world find out what sort of person she really is. Once we close our front door it's US! Occasionally BM comes to dinner with us, by virtue of the kids remembering stuff, and I cannot deny them that. It's a manipulative thing on their part though, they are kids! DH sometimes did not handle it well but it's a whole new situation for him too. It's a hell of a balance to find, to keep the peace with everyone. It's best to maintain dignity and have faith. I find that if someone says something offensive to me I ask them to repeat what they just said and once they have to repeat what they said it sinks in with them that they are being petty. I love to watch the discomfort They have their own issues that make them behave that way, right? I do sympathize with people if I know it's a temporary state of distress, or whatever, and if I know the person well enough I'll overlook a lot of stuff.
Now and again I blow a fuse, sh1t really hits the fan then! I am human and humans can only take so much! Bottom line here, I married a man with kids and ultimately they are his responsibility. I am a wife first and step parent when I need to step up to the plate. I used to drive myself nuts with stuff but it's not worth the toll all that BS takes on a mind and body.
Some people are pacifists by
Some people are pacifists by nature, some are warriors! I'd suggest some boundaries to him. I am blessed with a wonderful MIL, in whom I can confide my feelings on issues, good or bad. There is no bias from her, she raised 7 kids and understands a LOT!
I believe that the man should respect the women in his life, primarily wife, mother and daughter. I think, maybe, some post partum stuff going on?? I recall after delivering my elder son I was home a couple of weeks and I blew a fuse at everyone 'trying to help' when all I wanted was the time to spend to enjoy my new baby. I was wrong, I flipped and yelled at them all to get out and, fortunately, I recognized why. I apologized and all was well again, they all said they knew me better than the way I behaved. I really would not push him to become torn between his mother, his kids and you. I think it's a difficult balance to make, for anyone. If they are feeling any jealousy then it's really up to them to get over it. It's possible that the ex is putting stuff into MIL's mind too and it's really on them!! I would be the good wife and mother that you are, smile sweetly, and do NOT let it get under your skin. Someone turning away in mid conversation is very rude, I agree, and I would have to fight the temptation to respond in kind. You will come out the stronger person if you just do not dignify that crap! Enjoy your baby, enjoy the kids, enjoy your husband! Close your front door on the rest of them and let them go to hell if that's what they want. I urge you NOT to disrespect MIL though, her behavior is not right, by any means, but try to understand what's at the root of it. Someone has said something about you being 'there'