I don’t want to spend time with her
Hey everyone...I accidentally posted this before I typed anything out! Sorry about that!
anyways, advice needed. I have a SD 22 who I am disengaged from. Long history of rudeness, inappropriate behavior and making me feel uncomfortable in my own home. DH has been supportive of this disengagement after years of fighting over her. He now has a separate relationship with her but has only seen her once in 9 months (now that I'm not coordinating things).
Well I've been very happy with this arrangement. And now he mentioned that this weekend he said he wants to invite her and boyfriend over. Ughhhhhh.
Whenever they come over, my kids scatter to their rooms and DH and I are left sitting and having awkward conversations with her. I suggested going to do something together as a family, to reduce awkward convos and not have her in my home. He says he should be able to invite his kid over to his home to hang out. He said I don't need to participate if I don't want to. But I know I'll feel weird with them here and I'm hiding in my room or something. I hate this. I hate that I have to spend a precious day off with her.
Help. What would you do?
I'd find something special to
I'd find something special to do with my kids all day and be elsewhere when she and her bf turn up. Go have a blast!
slap locks on your kids and
slap locks on your kids and your bedroom doors and go out and do something while he visits w/ his adult child. This time of year there are fairs, festivals, concerts, etc. Say "enjoy your time" then hit the driveway w/ your kids and have a blast!
We’re In The Same Boat
After 4+ years, I have loosened a boundary set in counseling, where DH saw his kids outside of our marital home. The youngest has been to visit here twice. The first time, I was not home. The second time, I was home and completely avoided him. I worked in my studio and when I came into the house, I made sure the door was close to DH's man cave where they were visiting. This week, three of the more troublesome of his kids will be visiting our home for the first time since the boundary placement.
My mindset? This is my home, too. I am the one allowing them into my space. I am in control. They are simply guests of DH and I do not want nor need any part in that visit. As long as they act appropriately and leave my things alone, all should be fine.
Nothing says you have to interact with them, even in your home. Take your kids out for something fun and let your DH visit with his kid and BF. Best to you.
Its not hubbys home but your joint home and disrespectful
Uncivilised people even family do not get invited unless approved by you.
heck even my husband was in process of building a home when he first met me and when we got serious he wanted my input on designing furniture etc and we went furniture shopping.
he moved in a few days before wedding but he's always referred to that home as our marital home and wouldn't invite people over who are disrespectful to me.
he has always been very vocal that he has to protect my right to privacy and not put me and our kids in harms way etc.
you should not be put in a situation locking yourselves inside your bedroom
Don't feel the need to stay
Don't feel the need to stay for the small chat. If your DH is supportive of your disengagement, then he should understand. Go out and do something with your kids this time. If it comes up again, I'd suggest to DH that it's HIS turn to do an activity outside the home since you left the previous time.
Don't hide in your room -
Don't hide in your room - take your kids and go do something fun for the day. And if SD has any history of snooping around or being present when things "disappear," make sure to hide/secure anything you don't want her to see/take. If your DH hasn't made much of an effort to see his daughter outside of the home for 9 months, he's not going to want to make much effort for her visit with the boyfriend. Let him carry on the awkward conversations with them without any help from you. Let him figure out snacks or meals or any of that hostess-y stuff. I suspect he'll figure out pretty quickly that without you there as a buffer her visits to your home aren't that enjoyable, and he won't be as anxious to have her over next time.
I agree with the others, go
I agree with the others, go do something fun that day and let your DH provide his undivided attention to his daughter and her boyfriend. The only reason he probably wanted her to come over in the first place is because he figured he could have you or the t.v. as a buffer so he didn’t have to work so hard on conversation.
I was adamant when I told my DH that Spawn would never be allowed in our home again. The first time he met up with her when she aged out was at a coffee shop, the second time was at her apartment during Covid. After that he really never reached out to see her again nor did she.
Oh, the awkwardness! My SD
Oh, the awkwardness! My SD can barely hold a decent conversation so it would get really awkward and really boring, even for DH. Finally, he suggested we go to her place so we could leave when we wanted. She had a habit of hanging out for a long time at our house, probably hoping we would take her out to eat.
You shouldn't have to leave your home but if there is something you would like to go do that day, do it.
If you do stay home, I hope your DH does not expect you to play hostess, cook, or anything else to prepare for the visit.
And, if she is rude, feel free to call her out on it. She is an adult and should know better than to be rude to you in your own home.
Thanks for the feedback
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I replied to each of you but my comments disappeared!
I thought my DH and I were on the same page. He agreed to have a whatever relationship he wanted with her and I was released from the burden of trying to make it work. He wants his child to be able to come over casually whenever she wants to hang out. Since all of my kids live with us, including one adult child, it's hard to dispute that.
I know I am not obligated to hang out with them but it feels like a violation. My kids disappear when she's around so I'm left to have awkward convo with her while my DH sits in silence. He says he's afraid to do or say the wrong thing.
so, if I don't hang out with them, I'm rude.
I should add, she reached out to me for the first time ever a few weeks ago. It was friendly and she ended it with saying we should all hang out soon. I was shocked. So maybe I should give her another change? I don't know anymore.
You need to have a heart to
You need to have a heart to heart with your DH and let him know that if he's going to have his daughter over, he needs to lead the conversation with her, not sit in silence. He's the one being rude.
If he's so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing, what is the point of having her over? What kind of relationship is that? Having someone over for a visit means VISITING, actual conversation.
Ugh I know this all too well.
Ugh I know this all too well. My father in law is so awkward and every time he would come over no one would talk so I felt obligated to do entertainment/start convos. I'm so glad that's over. I refuse to be put in that situation again. He has zero interest in having a relationship with me and we have never gotten along. Why do I have to pretend or engage?! He's not my dad!
Also the stepkid thing. For a while my stepkids came over(different story now, Long story) and I had to basically walk on eggshells. I alwsys felt uncomfortable in my own home and I decided I will not do that again. In my opinion I believe your home is your safe place where you feel comfortable and where you are around people you want to be. Maybe if I had a mansion and a totally different entrance I'd say whatever but my home is a cape and there's no avoiding anyone. I'd never ever ever hide in my room or feel be forced to leave and make other plans no way that's my home!
Anyway sorry you are going through this. Hope you and hubby can have a resolution. If my stepdaughters, whom did aweful things to me sincerely tried for a long long time to make things right with me and I gained trust again yes id give them a chance in my home again but I don't see that ever happening.
Spinoff FIL
My FIL wasn't much of a talker either. Generally speaking, I would fill in the gaps in the coversation or whip it up a bit if it lagged. Dammit, I've been a barmaid, a language teacher and a tech writer (among other things), I can talk to anyone about anything and even if I know nothing about the subject the person talking to me will never know! Anyway, one day I had way too much work and couldn't go with DH and our daughters (about 8 at the time) to see him. When they got back, my daughters cornered me and told me to never do that to them again! Apparently, FIL and DH sat at opposite end of the table, looked at their hands, sighed, muttered "oh well", "aye", "well, well...", "quite so", "sure", etc for three whole hours!!! The upside was that any time there was trouble from the kiddos, all I had to do was say "Suit yourself(ves), I just won't go with you on the next trip to Papi's" and suddenly the problem vanished like magic.
And you should be able to not have them in your home.
See how DH likes that counterpoint. Make sure to reference SD's historic behaviors.