I am an ex-wife in need of help w/ a stepwife
Ok ex-wife needs help :-)Advice.
Been divorced 11 years. remarried. for past 9 years me, my husband and ex have gotten along great. Kids happy. My ex has been in a relationship w/ the new step wife on off 6 years and rec. married. She left kid out of wedding plans and tried to leave him out of reception plans.
She has flat out stated she does not like or have patients for kids. Has stated my child is spoied and babied, and has flat out said she likes him and he is a good kid and good ball player but she don't and probably won't love him because he is not hers. Now mind you she has been aorund this child now 12 years old for 6 years! So this isnt new and she new when she married my ex what she was getting into. I stress my kid show her respect, but i have also told her to get respect you MUST give it.
She never speaks in any manner other then a snappy one. She is very self serving and noone else matters. I have offered for her to come get my son and try to have them bond she doen not want to. I allowe her family to come get my son for events etc. but she feels i do not try w/ her. What else do i do?
My ex is supposed to do ALOT by our divorce paper she does not do but I never push because we work like we do and it has worked. i just am ready to rip her head off and we came real close at the ball field because she was heckling my child. Do i keep working or simply explain to my ex she nned not be at the ball field b-day parties ect. until she can respect my child and grow up. HELP from an ex who is actually trying
I don't get it
It's funny how when people have it good, they don't know it. I wish that for one minute, my husband's ex could try to make our families work.
The only advice I have is that you should not tell dh to limit where SM can go and what she can do. That is only going to add to the problem and she'll be there more and make it worse just to spite you. Unfortunately, I think this is the reality.
Sorry to be the downer....
In a perfect world she'd try and things would be good-
Unfortunately i think my kid will be emotionally hurt by her in the long run on many diff. levels and as a mom who absolutley devotes herself to her kids and has a good relation between husband and ex husband i find it just so diff. to sit back and wait for her to keep on her path of snappy crap and feel helpless and hopless just waiting for the day she final breaks my kids spirit and saddest part she feels she is all in the right and just doesnt care or want to work on things. Basically she is who she is and piss on anyone who does not like it. Im wooried this will cause conflict w/ my my h and ex before long because we feel like ex is allowing this and not stepping up for his- our son.
Role Reversal!
Now you are in what is so commonly "our" shoes. I have a lot of respect for you, trying to do the right thing by your son. Have you talked to your EX about this? What is his take on the situation? In my opinion this is something HE needs to put a stop to... you are taking on too much. Does he understand the effect this has on your son, and the potential emotional trauma in the future?
I would say it is time for a ONE on ONE meeting with your EX. There is no reason you should be dealing with her like this, especially if she wants nothing to do with the child.
Good Luck- Mellissa
Been there tried that...
Me and the ex had talks before the full meeting w/ us 4 last night and he really has let her run the show and just says we me and she should try to get along. How do i try anymore? How do i be ok w/ how she represents herself? She really just seems by going off things she says that if my child were to not come around and she didnt have to deal w/ this life she got herself into she would be fine. Just really into herself and that is it. The ex really needs to grow some on this w/ his new wife. He actually came and asked my H to see if he could help her understand about being a good step parent. My h has been great and really tries to only add input when asked but she had him boiling because she acted like it was all a waste of time. All she could say was she needed more time to deal- it has been 6 years she has been around my son!!!! I was kind enough to tell her she is a step mom and it did not come off the cuff i meant it in all due respect and felt it would help her hearig that from me. Her response- good get me a gift for mothers day. I guess its best i stop trying and go one day at a time stay away from her and she do the same w/ me and any issues w/ her concerning treatment of my son we deal w/ at that time. Please pray for me to keep my cool for the next however many years. I want my ex happy he is a good man and father and I feel bad for saying this buy if they split things would be better maybe hed find a good loving woman and not a cold hearted self centered witch. My H loves my son as his own and treats him NO diff. then our girls we have together and my ex respects that. guess i was hoping for too much thinking she could work as well as we all do- Funny thing ex's mom talks to me and also can not handle new wife. Go figure LOL
This is a marital issue
This is a marital issue between your x and his current wife. The best thing you can do is IGNORE her. Your x, if he is the kind of guy you say he is and genuinely loves his son, will grow tired of her putting a wedge between him and his son and retaliate. But that is totally up to him. The only thing you can do is be there to support your son thruough this and let him know that nothing she says should make him feel bad about himself.
She doesn't seem the type you can reason with so the more you try the more she will feel that she has power over you.
Tell Your EX
To DIG WAY DEEP down into her purse and find his balls.
Sorry, couldn't help myself... I wish you all the luck in the world. Sounds like you are going to need it.
Very well said Daddysgirl
Too bad I can have a wife in law like you! Life would be sweet! Thanks for letting me vent- so needed.
First of all
How could your ex marry a woman like that.
It sounds to me like she is way to self absorbed in herself. Which will not make her a very good role model for him. I think maybe back off and just tell your ex that you would prefer it if she did not have any "power" over your son at all. I mean she should not have a say in anything when it pertains to him if she cannot even accept him at all. Why does she go to his games if she does not like him? That is strange.. She sounds a little jealous of the fact that you and he have his first child together. I say quit trying. Don't talk to her only talk to him. Acknowledge her as little as possible. How old is she anyways? Just curious...
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
Thanks Happy
She is 27. I agree w/ you on just acknowledge her as i need to, and i explained to her and the ex last night face to face that if she can not act as an adult to my child then the authority of step mom being able to have say and disapline which i feel is very important would not apply to her until she could accept her role and this situation she placed her self in. As for the ex's wife choice- i think he thought w/ the wrong head.That is all she could possibly do right because i have seen nothing else. LOL
I even went as far to call my ex mother in law for advise! She said the same we all know and just focus on my son and be there for him if she does hurt him by wedging him and his father apart.
Each day i get up and feel stressed over this i say:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
Don't Let It Get To You
I don't know about the wedding part, I mean many people don't have kids at the reception so if thats the choice they made that was theirs. We didn't have any kids at our reception either. But her heckling your child is immature, unless she was just kidding or something but parents should never heckle at a game, thats just not right. Many step parents don't like the sc so if shes cordial and they don't dislike each other then your really not doing to badly at this point. (trying to be positive here)
Realistically you cannot tell her not to disapline in her home because she will and not something you can take away from her. Her role is defined by her, and looks like shes letting you know her position. Her and your ex will have their own ways of doing things just like you and your husband, so if everyone is being cordial thats pretty good compared to many situations.
If she point blank
has said that she does not like this kid and cannot really be all that nice to him then why does she get the right to punish this child whether its her house with the father or not. Its not good for a child to not get treated well because she does not like kids and then she gets to discipline. Sorry I disagree. When you marry a man/woman with children you take the package deal. And she this woman is being selfish and immature. And as stated above this BM is and has tried and her son does not sound like he is rude or disrespectful to her. But I can tell you he will be if she keeps her crap up. And then who suffers the Bdad and the son.
I think when you take the commitment of marriage with a man with children you take the children too. Good, the bad and the ugly..
JMO
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
She is missing out
on something that could be wonderful. I mean being a bio and step mom I can see both sides. What I mean is, its not easy being a step parent but it has its ups and downs as being a bio does. Its a roller coaster of sometimes all fun and then hell. But its all worth it. Life is a roller coaster. One minute your soaring along great and the next the roller coaster has stopped at the top and that is where you remain... Its just called LIFE.
27 and STUPID is what you call her.(GOD forgive me for judging her but she is being that way.. )
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
Thanks for you help everyone
it is ashame she is missing out because my son is a good respectful kid and i have asked that no matter what goes on w/ the adults to show her respect, however at age 12 he knows you give what you get in most cases and im trying to expalin he is better then stooping to her level and not to take jabs at her- thats her spead not his.
the wedding reception was diff. then most- let me explain. ex and sm wed in Hawaii no family/friends. Had family/friends home reception she told my son he was not allowed to come. His grandmother ex's mom came and got him and took him and was fast to tell new wife the child was the biggets part of that "family & friends" reception.
I hate it is this way- even though i dislike her actions thoughts and ways i still hold hope we can all be ok. im fine w/ accepting her as a step mom and w/ say so and disapline and all that comes w/ it which sems like most ex's are not BUT i REALLY am she makes it hard- go figure im on all your shoes. LOL
You all are my stress angels..this has been hell you all lighten my load THANK YOU
I'm so sorry Michelle
That your ex would even marry a woman who did not truly love his son. You know as a step mom who loves and supports my skids I have to commend you on your attitude towards this woman. She is ignorant and your son should not be subjected to a woman like that, Ask anyone of us here- we love our skids even though they aren't ours! I would actually appreciate if BM had the attitude you did (trying to have bonding between them etc) and most of us here would love a BM like you! She shouldn't have gotten in an instant family then- I'm actually at a loss for words with this woman- How dare her!
Really!!!
Can I trade you for the ex in my life!!!! I'd love to have someone like you - the woman I deal with pretty much enjoys telling me how much I don't care for her children and how they have "nothing to do with me." (meaning I'm not the bio parent, so why bother telling me anything.) It frustrates me to no end. I love my stepkids, and like having them with us. But I'm counting the days until I only have to deal with her when there's a wedding or a shower.
Your Ex is the one with the problem!
My god what an ass!! For her to be so openly against your son with not so much as 'faking it' for DH's sake. If she was a new thing, I might understand but since she has been around for 6 years you might think he would catch on!! She is a witch and it saddens me, when we as SM's have so many problems trying to get BM to act as you are and she just abuses it and he lets her. I think someone said something before about balls in her purse?? His balls will remain there until he pulls his head out of his butt and realises what this potentially means to his son and their relationship. He will be a young adult soon and most kids see the truth by then. Keep being a great mum!!
Catch xx
Michelle,Your Ex is a PUNK, letting this Bitch act like that !!!
Sorry Ladies, I know I offended a few virgin eyes with that, but it needed to be said. Me,My Old Lady, and Our various Exes have Our Issues, but at if any of the Ex'es Currents acted like that, or said what She did, there would be FUR FLYING, I Garauntee that there wouold be a Hair Pulling Cat Fight, or a Fist Fight. What the Hell was the silly barsted thinking, since I assume that She didn't just suddenly change overnight...
I've Told EVERY Woman I dated since I split with My Ex, I AM A DAD FIRST, if You don't accept My Kid as part of the package , You need to be GONE. I WILL NOT Choose A Woman over Him. I have had My issues with My S-Kids, and I refuse to be more than civil to the 21 yr old and Her Husband...but that is a long story, and they are at least legally Grownups...
I have had to go elsewhere to spend time with My Son, due to Issues here at Home, but I moved in with Lisa and the Kids, so it's Their House.
Steve
Steve
The best advice
I could give is brace yourself and be prepared to do whatever damage control you have to for your child.
My ex and I split in '99 when our youngest son was 12. Ex was not the grandest father to begin with, but when he met his current wife he stopped being a father at all. I could count the times he's seen J since on my fingers and have a few left over. Ex would send J an empty card on his bday (after all he paid cs, so no gift was necessary, right?). His wife made it clear from the get go that she hated me and my children and did everything she could to drive a wedge between J and his dad. Sadly, ex complied.
I did a lot of damage control, a lot of honest talk with J, some counseling, and made sure that he had good male role models in his life. It took a lot of work to ease the pain and damage.
Last talk I had with ex he told me he has "a lot of regrets", and that his relationship with the boys is "like that cat's in the cradle" song.
Karma, buddy, karma. May they both get theirs many times over for hurting an innocent kid who just wanted the love of his dad with their selfishness.
Meantime, J's fine and he's an awesome son. Ex's loss.
First, she's not a "step" wife,
she's a WIFE and a stepmom. My guess is she feels unappreciated, if her response was "good, then buy my a mothers day present". Don't expect her to act motherly if she doesn't get any of the benefits of a mother. I suggest you stick around and read this site for awhile to see what other SMs complaints are, and see if maybe you can get an idea of where she's coming from. My opinion is she doesn't have to love your child or treat him like her own, or even like him, because he's not HER child. But she should treat him well. If thats not happening, then your ex needs to handle it. I suggest you give him that opportunity before trying to limit where she's allowed to be, that will only make it worse. You can't control what she does or where she goes. Does your son treat her with respect? Was there ever time that things seemed to be okay or is this fairly recent?
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
DANG.....
I don't know what to really say to help out this situation other then the x-husband in this situation needs to step up and put some parameters on her actions/reactions around your son.
Other then that - I wish you were the BM involved in my situation.
********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************
Hi Michelle, I am going to
Hi Michelle,
I am going to put on my BM hat here - I am also a SM, but I am speaking as BM. You may not like what I have to say, I don't mean to offend, but its not in my nature to beat around the bush.
I am sad that your son is in this position, but honestly - there is not much you can do about it. This woman fell in love with and married your ex. It does not mean that she is going to fall in love with your son. I think if you lower your expectations of her then you won't torture yourself so much about it. If you expect her to try to be 'a good step mom' (not even sure there is a right way to do things), and it's not what she wants then you will be disappointed. In your situation, you and BF are the parents, SM clearly does not want to be a parent, so don't expect her to be.
You can kick up a fuss, (which is more likely to p1ss her off than change how she is with your son), you can complain to BF (which at best will just cause her to resent your son even more)... or you can accept the fact that she will play a small part in your child's life.
If you make a big deal out of how she treats him.... it will become a big deal to him.... and that is the part that will damage him emotionally...as your energy will be used up trying to change her, rather than being the best mom you can be.
If I were in your situation, I would be trying to make it as easy as possible for your son by:
Doing as much of the parenting as I can - even offering to take your son to his activities, take him to school, pick him up etc. I would sell it as..."I'm happy to do that so you can have some time out....I know it can get hectic" - I wouldn't even mention that you don't like how she does things.... what matters is how much time you son spends with her, and if you can do as much as you can to limit this the better.
In an ideal world your BF would step up and do this himself, but I get the impression BF just wants a quiet life and can't understand that new wife doesn't want to play 'house' with him. For the sake of your son you need to do as much of this as possible.
She cannot emotionally harm your son if she spends very little time with him, and if BF can't/won't be a parent, then you must.
You cannot blame SM for how she feels.... lots of people would not be able to take on someone else's child and love them.... or at least put them first - it takes a special kind of person to do this.
You can't fight the truth....and the truth is she is not interested, you or BF can't force her to.... so you need to step up and make sure your son still has what he needs.
Your son had a mom and dad before she came on the scene, and he still has one - if you both do your jobs, your son will be fine. It's not about SM it's about your son.
We all encounter people who do not like us, your son is just learning how to deal with this before you would like him to..... he knows you and dad love him, so she cannot harm him emotionally.
The longer you dwell on 'I wish this .....' the longer you focus on her, rather than on your son.
Sorry if I offend you.... but IMO your son is not her responsibility.
I could not have said this
I could not have said this better!!!
I feel like Bio-parents don't get it sometimes..YOU are inlove with your children because thye are YOUR KIDS.. the sm or sd do not have to be inlove with them like you and in most cases they are not.. I am not INLOVE with my SS, I do care about him and I take care of him when he is in our care, but I didn't birth him so we do not have that bond...LET IT GO
until she can respect your
until she can respect your child?
I think its up to the adults to make sure the child respects the adult !!!
What else do you do? You
What else do you do? You stop calling her step-wife first cause that makes you sound like you live in some Mormon commune.
She doesn't like your kid... don't push for a relationship with someone who in SIX years hasn't managed to pull her head from her own ass.
Use this as an opportunity to strengthen YOUR relationship with your son by taking all that time his "father" and his wife don't want or deserve.
She's nothing to your kid. She's chosen that path. Treat her as such.
Good luck.