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His Demanding Ex-Wifey and My Sucker Fiancee

lovin_my_life's picture

Submitted by lovin_my_life on Fri, 11/30/2007 - 9:27am

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My fiancee is a great man. He loves me unconditionally, has a great personality, he's great with my kids, and most of all; he's a wonderful father to his children. So with all of that how could I ever be upset? The answer: THE EX.......

She's been a "stay in bed mom" for 12 years and when he finally left she said, "So does this mean I have to get a job?" She went to college (that is where they met) and has a degree in accounting and she is a licensed massage therapist. Being that she had this "lifestyle" for 12 years he pays her $1700/M in alimony and another $1500/M for child support. All the money he gives her goes to the mortgage (the house that she hardly ever cleans), her mini-van (it's disgusting inside as well), her gym membership (babysitting included) and every other expense she has. Many of you reading this are thinking, "This girl is jealous..." DARN RIGHT I AM!! For the next 6 years (she gets alimony for that long) I have to be the one to pay all of the bills for our household. Don't get me wrong.... I'm blessed to have a man who cares about his kids that he doesn't want their lifestyle to change, but lets be real..... 2 of his 3 kids are in school, so when his youngest starts school in 2 years shouldn't she work full time? She doesn't brush their daughter hair (We spend 45m each Saturday morning detangling) because she claims she doesn't have enough time. She dresses them in ratty clothes because "he never cared about their clothes before he met you". She will interrupt his evening call to the kids to rag on him how it's not fair that she has to "do it all alone with no help", she says he's never on time to pick them up, he doesn't care, blah blah...and she's saying this with the kids right there. And yet he's getting what he pays for. They didn't go before a judge for any support, he just agreed to it. He pays for their health insurance, and also the co-pays. And to make matters worse, she's dragging on their divorce...(in the state she filed it can take up to 2 years)....
Ya know.... I work full time, have 2 children (6,3) get NO support from their father (however he does pay their health insurance)and I'm an independent woman. When I left my ex our lifestyles changed; I had to get rid of my mini-van and totally down grade, I left him the house since he wouldn't leave, (he has since let it forclose....another issue!) and I no longer get to have my little shopping sprees like I used to.... when you divorce, everything changes. He sees his kids every Tuesday and every weekend (and we live 2hrs away) and when he asks her about switching a day here or there she says, "NO"..... but he will accomodate her all the time. I love him more than anything, but will he always let her push him around? Is he doing this out of guilt?

lovin_my_life's picture

Submitted by lovin_my_life on Fri, 11/30/2007 - 9:47am

I mean... I can see paying her to stay home if she actually did something other than have coffee next door and complain about what a bastard he is....(in front of the kids).... But for real, it's amazing how far a little guilt can go..... Guess he doesn't want to be with her, but just take care of her!!!

lovin_my_life's picture

Submitted by lovin_my_life on Fri, 11/30/2007 - 10:53am

He's supported her through the separation/divorce.... and per their "agreement" (he signed his life away) the actual alimony starts when the divorce is final....which can take up to 2years! I swear, it must be nice to have a "lifestyle" of doing nothing.... She wanted his 401k but chose to keep the house instead. And if something is broken, guess who is there to the rescue (2hr drive from us)! It's amazing I tell you.... He avoids confrontation with her, but has NO problem when it comes to me.... At least I got the better engagement ring.... }:-)

WhatWasIThinking's picture

Submitted by WhatWasIThinking on Fri, 11/30/2007 - 11:20am

Honey, yes he does it out of guilt and it is just easier for a man to go with the flow -they don't want a big drawn out drama - they always take the easy way out. Tell him that the more he gives, the worse it will get. In time, she will rely on him so much and she will eventually get desperate once she realizes that the alimony is going to stop - she will stop at nothing. He needs to put his foot down now. Anyway, I wish you luck - all I can say is get LEGAL advice on the child support/alimony IMMEDIATELY and do everything in your power to keep her out of your life. I would say to try and get along with her, but that just isn't feasible in most situations - most adults don't act like adults - they're ridiculous.

Sasha's picture

Submitted by Sasha on Fri, 11/30/2007 - 11:38am

...is that some of these women won't work, but if the man marries a woman who does work the ex thinks that since the new woman brings in a paycheck, that frees up more of his money to send to her. My DH's ex started that line as soon as we got married. She quickly found out it ain't happening!

lovin_my_life's picture

Submitted by lovin_my_life on Fri, 11/30/2007 - 11:41am

OMG EXACTLY!!! Once the BM found out that we were living together, the first thing that came out of her mouth was, "Good, I need about $300 more per month to cover entertainment expenses....." WHAT???? DID SHE REALLY GO THERE??? He reminded her that it was $3200 per/M and it wasn't changing.....

Imustbcrazy's picture

Submitted by Imustbcrazy on Fri, 11/30/2007 - 11:49am

That is an OUTRAGE! I didn't ask my ex for a DIME. He would be ordered to pay me if I asked, and my lifestyle changed when we split... I was struggling to do it on my own, and until Dh and I moved in together, things got really rough. You better believe that BM tried to use MY income to increase her CS... didn't work. Nice try.

Daddys Gurl

CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

lovin_my_life's picture

Submitted by lovin_my_life on Fri, 11/30/2007 - 1:16pm

I didn't ask my ex for a dime..... he did cash in his 401k and give me half (I didn't ask) and I gave it to our kids for their bank acct. Not only did my fiancee give her 99.5% of what SHE wanted, he didn't even get a lawyer but HE PAID FOR HER LAWYER!!! I would express my concern in a polite un-nagging way but he didn't listen to me at all!!!

DYNAMITE's picture

Submitted by DYNAMITE on Fri, 11/30/2007 - 1:57pm

I said yes I work full time and I see every cent of money that comes in or goes out! (EX:CS Payments)

She works but only the Max hours she can so she can get help from the Government.

She is also a control freak and I know that since I have control over the money she cannot bitch to BF about late payments or whatever to him. HA I LOVE IT

I wish I could sell her for what she thinks she is worth,
I'd be a millionare twice.

Riley's picture

Submitted by Riley on Sat, 12/01/2007 - 9:07am

Mzmasi, as time goes by this issue could cause some resentment on your part and that could cause problems down the road. It sounds like your DH is comfortable with the arrangement he's made, but b/c you see all this $$$ going out the door to the BM it would only be natural to resent it.

I guess the questions I would ask myself are: Does this $$$ she's getting affect my lifestyle? Am I doing without in order to meet the financial obligations that DH has? If the answer to these is NO, then I would let it go. It will only generate resentment and hostility, even subconsciously on your part.

If the answer is YES, then DH and you should sit down and talk honestly and openly about this, reevaluate his motivation for this hugely disproportionate amount of spousal support. I don't think this is a control issue for you, but rather it's about understanding what motivates your DH to be so "generous." In my experience, even if I can't change the situation, understanding the other's motivation helps to reconcile my feelings about it and keep them in perspective.

In the end, if this remains as it is, then all we can do is say, "whatever..." and let it go.