He's made me resent them
I've been living with a guy for 6 months after dating a year and a half.
His kids have been staying every weekend over lockdown. They are a handful. He gets massively stressed with them as they won't listen to him and I get stressed him being stressed and that my only down time from work is full of him snapping at me because his kids are evil.
If I try stepping in or saying I'm tired I need some space from the telling and screaming he sits there and tells me I'm jealous of them and I don't like them.
Now, him saying I don't like his kids has happened every single weekend and during the week for about 5 months and we argue about it nearly every day because he just comes out with it.
It's now caused me to start to get ill constantly hearing him saying it and now because he's said it so much my mind has decided it's the kids fault that our relationship is breaking down and I now don't want anything to do with them. I don't even want them in my house as I associate them with stress and it's making me panic so much I made him take them elsewhere this weekend.
Not sure where to go from here.
Some questions
Sounds like the basic problem is that your husband has absolutely no idea how to parent and who thinks that it consists in yelling at his kids, right? What kind of house rules do you have? Boundaries? If the kids do something they're not supposed to, what kind of consequences are there? How old are his kids?
You definitely have an SO
You definitely have an SO problem. He doesn't know how to parent and when you say something he gets defensive and gaslights you.
If your relationship ends it's because of him, his bad parenting and for being shitty boyfriend.
Where you go from here, is
Where you go from here, is you get your own place (or he does, if it's your house).
Your BF is causing you stress because he can't parent his kids properly and in turn, that is causing stress in your relationship. So, not only is he an ineffective parent, he doesn't have the skills to communicate with his partner or even listen to your concerns. He turns it around on you, "You hate my kids, you're jealous, blah, blah, blah."
People think it's the kids who destroy the relationship (and sometimes that may be true, I guess) but it's really the parent who will not take control of their own kids, but blame somebody else.
You resent the kids, but you should resent your BF, too.
This.
This.
Kids CAN destroy relationships, but it's rare. The few times where I've thought it actually was the kids versus their parent(s) are when the kids are severely mentally ill and therapy/treatment doesn't work (or the kid does something that forces the relationship to end for the safety of others). I really feel for parents who do everything they can to make their child well but it's still not enough - whether that's an intact or step family.
That isn't what is happening here, though. This is almost a textbook case of bad parenting and bad partnering.
I always like to comment most
I always like to comment by not reading the other comments. Then I read the other comments.
It's a standard practice for when you tell your partner what you want or this issues you have, for them to deflect and project onto you. I've had it for a very long long time. There is nothing wrong with you wanting a bit of space, there i nothing wrong with you telling your partner that the kids are a bit crap (in a diplomatic way) What they will hear is, you don't like them and you think I am a crap parent. Stand your ground, they are not your kids or your responsibility. What they want is for you to accept at least half of the responsibility because they just can't deal with it on their own and if you don't help out you are the bad person, not the fact that they can't parent their kids properly.
Set your boundaries, and stick with them. I know this website has helped me, ten years toooooooo late. Keep reading the posts and the responses on this site and amalgamate them into you, some of it might not resonate with you BUT a LOT will.
You will be met, by your partner, with a lot of resistance, if that keeps happening get out if you can, if not, continue to set your baoundaries. Boundaries are a MASSIVE thing in reletionships, life, friendships e.t.c
Just too add one thing. Ever
Just too add one thing. Ever since I released the guilt and realised that I have feelings to and that I don't actually have to like my step kids. Ten years later I am in such a better place, this site helped me. I felt so guilty for harbouring certain feelings. So, like a lot of other people here, it can make you ill. It can make you stressed, anxious and a whole host of other different things that creep up on you slowly.
It's a horrible thing to say, but not really, if you can get out, then get out. NOBODY needs to raise other peoples children, it is very hard and sometimes it works out, for me, it hasn't and I wish I never did it.