Partner is totally different with me when his kids are around
I'm new here, and am wondering if anyone else has experienced similar..
I've been in a relationship for 1.5 years with my partner who has 2 kids (14yo daughter, 11yo son).
we moved in together about 6 months ago and the kids stay with us every second weekend.
I've noticed that my partner is totally different when his kids are here.
he's super impatient and quick to anger, and we've had a few arguments when he's been in this mood.
I'm feeling now like it happens so often when the kids are here and it's making me feel really uncomfortable when they come over.
I don't want it to be this way - I used to feel very relaxed and comfortable when the kids came but now I'm finding myself tense and starting to resent the kids a bit because of how my partner is when they're here...
any advice for how to overcome this situation?
I've spoken to my partner about it and he doesn't think he changes when the kids are around so it's hard to broach the topic with him.
It's a him thing. He (I'm
It's a him thing. He (I'm assuming) is so worried that they won't be happy, that he will forget something, that they won't feel at home, etc that he gets himself on edge and his anger is a symptom of that.
What worked for us, since my Mr did this too but didn't think he did, was for me to gently disarm his anger by saying "I know you're not really upset with me so I'm going to give you a few minutes" usually we'd talk after and he'd admit he really wasn't mad at me he was just overly tense.
Hi, and welcome! What is your
Hi, and welcome! What is your custody schedule like? Is it every other weekend (EOWE)? My husbands behavior definitely changed when his kids were around. He actually became softer... Like a softie.. Wanting to bend over backwards for them to make them feel comfortable over here but it just felt unnatural to me because he was acting so differently.
How do these kids behave when they are over there? Are they generally well mannered and polite?
Hi, yes, EOWE. my partner has
Hi, yes, EOWE.
my partner has said he feels guilty that he's not talk by them out and doing things with them- and they end up gaming and making heaps of noise, interrupting conversations, making a mess and lots of forgetting to do things they were just asked to do. I understand his frustration that they live with another step parent and their mum most of the time and their home life sounds controlling so the kids lack a lot of exposure to normal things like chores(apparently 11 and 14 is too young to do chores?!?!?!) and are asking permission to have a drink of water. However my partner spends his whole weekend when they're here scrolling on twitter or doing yard work and then getting annoyed at them when they come and ask him for things. This annoyance is transmitted to me also which is unfair and I've flagged it with him in many different ways- kind, gentle, blunt- you name it.
it's like he refuses to empathise and it's making me feel trapped
One thing they often say on
One thing they often say on here as a recommendation is the phrase "go ask your dad" lol. He's hiding out when they come over and it's only EOWE. He's not making them do chores or setting rules. I would always discuss behind closed doors about having his kids do chores. Something. Anything. I really hated having step kids laying around, and making messes (which I'd have to clean) and then his kids didn't do chores...
My thing was always that they could load or unload the dishwasher as their chore. That way if they made messes part of it would be getting it into the dishwasher rather than me doing it. I made him tell them... Your chore today is doing the dishes. It went a long way for myself as well because I felt better knowing they'd help a bit. I would have been very upset if I was left to clean up their messes. Etc
I guess it can be because
I guess it can be because they sense we may not be fans of having the kids over.. the "invasion".. so they are on high alert for any sign.
Or
Their kids are behaving in ways they know aren't right and they don't want to get called on it.
Do you think he'd act the
Do you think he'd act the same way if a third party--like a friend or a relative--was present at some point? Unfortunately, it's so common for people to deny behaviors their partners point out to them, but if there is a third party observer who mentions the same thing, suddenly the clouds part and the truth shines down.
I have in the past threatened my husband with taping him and playing it back to him when he denies certain behaviors. I haven't done it (yet).
Otherwise, I'd be prepared to leave the house if SO/DH began being snappy at me in front of his kids. Spend a weekend with a girlfriend. Spend the day at a spa. Sometimes actions, as they say, speak louder than words.
He is gaslighting you. A
He is gaslighting you. A classic tactic for someone who perpetrates shit behavior towards their mate.
IMHO it is a fact that in the blended family world a shit parent is also a shit partner. Do not tolerate either the product of his shit parenting or his shit behavior towards you as a partner.
KISS
Do not tolerate his gaslighting.
Leave when his kids are there
Leave when his kids are there. If you find him snappy at you, remove yourself. Make plans with friends, a spa day.
Whatever the "reasons" (ie excuses) for his behavior, your going to drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out because he is denying it completely. Or deflecting, or whatever he is doing that takes the blame off of him. You can try recording, bringing in 3rd party, doing a slideshow with animated bullet points, he will deny deny deny. Ive tried it thats how I know. It turns into "you just dont want my kid(s) around, you just dont know what its like raising kids by yourself, your crazy..." etc.
Otherwise, you can either walk on eggshells or call him out each and every time he does this behavior.
Re: leave when his kids are there
Thanks for your reply. That's a hard one. For me- I work really hard all week and live on a rural property that I want to relax and enjoy. Weekends when the kids are here I feel like I shouldn't have to remove myself from my own house just because he's being snippy. I've told him he should make weekend plans with the kids and go out to enjoy his time with them - but then he expects me to come. It's a lose lose situation lol
Nope, they are there to spend
Nope, they are there to spend time with him not you. Besides, dragging you everywhere with them is only going to make them resent you for taking daddy away from them. Does he want them to hate you?
I would STRONGLY encourage
I would STRONGLY encourage him to do a day trip with them periodically so they can have that "loving one on one time with bonding with their father". I would phrase it that way.
The kids like to have that one on one time as well. The bonus is that you get peaceful alone time. I would however go on the occasional thing alongside them.
I hear you - but why should I
I hear you - but why should I be the one leaving my own house when all I want is respect? I shouldn't have to remove myself or go out and spend money so he can have the house to himself. I want to be able to relax and enjoy my home. I work hard and I want to chill on the weekends. I feel like removing myself wouldn't do anything to change the attitude he has when his kids are here and I'd still cop the rudeness every night when I came home... it may even be double dosed with spite because I've "left him all day" eye roll...
Understood.
I do not have experience with having young step kids in my home, however I can still empathize with what you are going through. (I DO have experience with YSD coming in to my home and acting as if she lives there...getting in the fridge, kitchen cupboards, helping herself to snacks, reading personal messages in cards, etc. Just...no! Hard pass! Boundaries set!) I 100% understand you not wanting to leave your home...I wouldn't either. You are right, why should YOU be displaced by leaving and spending money to entertain yourself? (I realize that sometimes this may be really nice to treat yourself, but is it sustainable long term?) I think there is another important point to consider, you leaving your home may set a precedence and expectation that you should/will just bow out and that you are not a part of the equation. Everyone is a part of this dynamic and you need to know if this dynamic is something you are able to adapt to and accept in your life. How will you know if you are not there? Knowledge is power. The power to help you make choices. Your choices will determine your overall happiness. Arm yourself with facts, not emotion, and choose wisely.
I would also say that it is
I would also say that it is "his" home too and that when he has custody of his children it is "their" home by association... so sometimes going somewhere else may be easiest for you to do.. vs making them leave. I mean.. you can only really control your own actions and if leaving to run an errand or two (doesn't have to be a full day).. helps give you a break.. then great.
Do you think that your BF senses.. or you have outright told him his kids bug you?... so he is on edge and sensitive to any appearance that his kids are not liked or welcome?
All you can do is reiterate that the kids are there to see "him"... and you can set standards for how things are done in your home.. dishes cleared.. no clutter in the living room when someone leaves.. and you can task him with enforcing that with his kids..
I found that that while it wasn't always easy.. being flexible.. and doing my own thing occasionally helped.. and yeah.. we were living in a home I bought.. but it was still his home too.. and his kid's when they are there.. so while it's tough sharing.. sometimes I had to remind myself that they had the right to be there too.. logically.
His home too
Hi, yes, it's absolutely his home too and the kids by association.
the issue here is that my BF is irritated and impatient every time the kids come over.
I don't see how just removing myself from the situation is going to help or change that.
I've been very open and honest and respectful with him about my limits and boundaries, and the things I expect if the kids: I will never discipline him, I only ask them to do basic things like if I'm doing washing I ask if they have anything to chuck in, and any chores or parental requests (being ready on time, brushing teeth etc) always comes from him.
I will help them with things if I see they need it - like with recipes or whatever.
A typical scenario is this:
kids want to make waffles so ask dad for permission
he says yes
they go off and start making them without checking they have all ingredients, then they come in and ask where something is or tell him they're out of milk.
instead of getting up and going to help them out he just sighs in annoyance looks at them in silence.
i wait a second then let them know there's soy milk or a different type of oil. I'll get up and go troubleshoot with them and ask them what they can do next time before starting to make waffles so they can problem solve - "check we have all the ingredients" bingo!
then I go back to what I was doing.
every little activity the kids want to do seems to bug the shit out of my BF and it's HIS attitude that's making me feel more frustrated.
the kids are annoying and messy - but BF just tells them off instead of guiding them and has told me in the past he "just doesn't have parenting patience"
that isn't my problem- but it also totally is because I have to live with it.
it's making me feel pretty resentful about the kids coming over because on weekends when they're here BF and I end up arguing because he's in such a foul mood the whole time. He still fails to acknowledge it and broods defensively.
that's another issue thought lol
the issue here is that my BF
Removing your attention and resources is powerful
It takes minimal effort and is sometimes the path of least resistance because you're controlling yourself (not him or his kids)
Because when you leave (especially if you spruce yourself up and let him get a glimpse before you leave) .... he will
^THIS!
^THIS!
Disneyland parents are so stubborn to changing for the better and willfully obtuse about their spawns peace disrupting behavior that it's a lost cause trying to rationalize with them (if you've already had multiple conversations)
It might sound petty but .... "disappearing" (especially when said behavior is negatively impacting you) and letting them deal with their spawns/figure out themselves how to parent is sometimes better than getting into pissing matches about their lackadaisical parenting style.
They change real quick after they realize they can/will be left in the dust to single parent their unruly kids and/or you don't want to be around them because of their/their kids behavior
And... I would advise that you tell him.
Tell him that you are growing to dislike the visits of his kids because of his change in behaviors towards you when they are there. Put it on him. Make him own it.
I would.
I would also call him out direclty every time he does it. In front of whoever is present when he does it.
Yes!
I have learned the direct call-out works best. It kind be done with kindness and class, while still bringing much needed attention to the issue.
I agree I would call him out
I agree I would call him out on it as well
If he says the typical, you don't like my kids the response is that I don't like X behavior in my home and that is reasonable to want to have a peaceful time in your own home, whatever it takes to achieve that
Do some investigating’
Free thing. Little cost things to do on the weekend. Zoo, Aminal farm, library, story time kids activities, hicking, camping, fishing. Photo taking.
Beach, lake, canoeing. There are many things to do. He not looking
Temporary
You could do three skid weekends in a row being gone, then be detached & disengaged thereafter. Your partner is gaslighting you, using you (step-mom/maid), and being a selfish jerk to you AND skids. He's gotten comfortable with having you step in to address HIS kids needs so HE can be lazy & selfish.
Scowling at them and waiting for you to step in has been working for him, since you're a considerate, helpful person - so although I get it that you want to chillax at your own home on the weekends, it might be helpful to temporarily change it up & be elsewhere. And tell your partner why you're you're giving yourself time away from this pattern and that he needs to 1) step up and PARENT, and 2) treat you with utmost respect. Including cleaning up after his kids if he's unwilling to teach them to clean up after themselves.
My xH was also impatient and short-fused... I divorced him because I didn't want to live the rest of my life being treated to mantrums from a selfish man-baby. I did not deserve it, and neither do you. Like Rags said, make him own it. Make this your hill to die on.