Having your own w/ a S-kid (my SD is flipping out)
I've talked about this on some of the threads, but figured I should start my own thread about it.
My SD, age 10, lives with me and her dad, except for every other Saturday and Sunday. This has been the arrangment for over three years now. Prior to that, she lived with her BM (and SD was NOT HAPPY about coming to live with us in the first place...but had no choice).
I am now pregnant with the first child of my own. We didn't tell SD until I was about three months along. When my husband told SD, she responded with "why can't she have an abortion?" She has also said things like, "If I ever have to watch Jess's child, I'm going to throw it out the window" or "push it in front of a car."
Earlier this week, she competely flipped out, breaking things and throwing things, and told my husband that she would not stop acting like that until he did what she wanted (had me get an abortion).
This morning, I was driving her to school, and she said something about me and her dad ruining her life. I assumed she was talking about being grounded (for throwing and breaking things the other night), and told her she did that to herself. She said, No, you're ruining my life by having a baby.
I (for some STUPID reason) thought I might be able to have a rational discussion about this with her. I asked her for specifics about how her life would be ruined, thinking I could explain to her that it wasn't going to be as horrible as she thinks. Obviously, that went over like a lead balloon.
Finally, I said to her something to the effect of, "this is reality, you can't change it," to which she responded, "Um. Yes, I can. And I will." I said, "This baby is coming and is going to live with us, there's nothing you can do about it." She said, "Yes there is. That baby will never live with me."
Then she told me if I bring the baby home, she will run away. And if we make her come back, she will kill herself.
I feel sad for her, because I know this is all about her not having the control over her environment that she wants. But, moreso, I feel ANGRY and RESENTFUL, because she's not allowing me and my husband to be happy. Instead, all we feel is anxiety about how poor little SD is feeling.
I don't know if anyone will have any helpful advice....but maybe someone out there has gone through this before and can tell me what worked and what didn't. We are planning to see a therapist (though SD told me this morning she will NOT talk to, listen to, or even go into the building of the therapist).
is this child seeing a psychiatrist?
And I don't mean a family counselor. I would go straight to the top. I have a really good child psychologist who is working through us to counsel SD. But if yours is making these threats and throwing these tantrums, then I would get her evaluated right away. This is not normal behavior. You should not have to live in fear, sleeping with your infant to protect him/her. And you will be. I almost do and SD has never threatened my baby girl, just shown super selfish, uncontrolled behavior.
Hope that helps.
Peace, love, and red wine
She's been evaluated in the
She's been evaluated in the past, and the person didn't think she needed meds or anything. So she went into therapy. And that eventually tapered down to the point where she was only going once every few months and her therapist didn't think she needed to be seen anymore because she was doing well.
Now, she says she doesn't want to see a therapist. My husband doesn't want to force her and carry her in to a therapists office kicking and screaming, because he doesn't think it will be productive (he's probably right).
I'm just completely at my wits end and I feel like crying all the time. In the car with her this morning I really felt like punching her she was making me so angry.
SS jealous as well
jess, i feel so bad for you. my heart breaks. being pregnant with your first child is supposed to be such a wonderful and joyful event. you should be jumping up and down with joy, sharing the news with EVERYONE and instead your stomach is in knots. i know you feel that your SD is stealing this experience from you and in a way she really is. my SS did the same thing to me, except on a much much MUCH less level. he pouted and sulked and played the 'poor me' card through the whole thing. our daughter is now 9 months old and he still acts this way. it hurts now b/c he actively ignores her and basically pretends she doesn't exist. and i would like to have one more child. apparently my hubby thinks two is enough. you see, HE has two. i have ONE. this hurts b/c i am supposed to consider HIS child mine as well? i don't think so. the first 8 months of my pregnancy were glum and blue b/c i had to deal with a sulky SS. the whole family was rallying around him wondering how he was 'dealing' with it. i finally snapped and told the whole family to suck it the f*ck up. taht having a baby is a wonderful thing, a new life is something to celebrate and the more we coddle this 12 year old boy, the more he will learn that his behavior is acceptable. i made some headway, but it's still a very very long road. i wish you the best and i would NOT, NOT leave that baby alone with this girl even for one minute. even if you think your SD is fine with things, do NOT leave them alone. i will never leave my daughter alone with my SS. ever.
she's jealous
SD asked BM several years ago if we were going to have a child. BM said "I don't know, you have to ask him." BM said SD was scared that she wouldn't get attention or he'll forget about her.
Now, I'm five months pregnant.
I think the bottom line is her having to share her dad. To tell the child that things won't change is a lie; I've read to not do it. My friend's SS 10 wasn't that enthuiastic about having a younger half-brother, but after the baby was born, he adored it.
I know there are a bunch of articles on the web that explain how to deal with telling a stepkid that you're going to have a baby. Something to the effect of her bio dad telling her that everyone has a place in his heart.....something....to let her know that she's not going to be forgotten -- although with a new baby, it's going to be really hard; it's an adjustment period for everyone.
I'd like to hear from SM's who are now bio-moms ..and how their transition was
Sorry I couldn't be of more help.
I'm learning, that no matter what you say, no matter how much you have to reason, usually the law needs to be laid down by the bio-dad. He needs to check that kid, granted she's a kid, but she's out of line. I would be tempted to say "you're not my damn kid but you're in MY house, so respect the rules or get the hell out"
"But, moreso, I feel ANGRY and RESENTFUL, because she's not allowing me and my husband to be happy. Instead, all we feel is anxiety about how poor little SD is feeling." ---- she's a kid, they usually care about #1, which is THEMSELVES. Seldom have I heard of a SK thinking of happiness for his/her bio-parent being happy with another person asides from their bio-mom/dad. Maybe older SK's, but that's usually 20+ -- I've read, "put the marriage first, then everything will fall into place." We've been doing that in our marriage to salvage our relationship when it was going to hell with SD and BM's drama -- doin ok so far (of course there are ups and downs).
How far along are you?
I'm 14 weeks now. We just
I'm 14 weeks now. We just told her less than 2 weeks ago, and she's been acting out like this ever since.
I understand all the feelings behind her behavior, and I know they're legitimate. I told her in the car this morning, "Its normal and fine for you to feel upset about this, but its NOT okay for you to act this way."
I try to let her dad handle things as much as possible. But its difficult, because he's in school full time and I'm often alone with SD. So I have to deal with it when she starts with her temper tantrum.
I just feel like, at age 10, she should be better able to accept reality. I don't expect her to like it. But she really seems to think that she will be able to exert some control over the situation by acting like this.
How do you get a kid to stop trying to control?
Sure would!!!I did say
Sure would!!!
I did say this, which was mean and I shouldn't have:
"You're giving me plenty of practice for what it will be like to have a baby in the house."
ugh. sometimes I wish I had a rewind button.
On the contrary...
"....she's a kid, they usually care about #1, which is THEMSELVES. Seldom have I heard of a SK thinking of happiness for his/her bio-parent being happy with another person asides from their bio-mom/dad. Maybe older SK's, but that's usually 20+ -- I've read, "put the marriage first, then everything will fall into place." We've been doing that in our marriage to salvage our relationship when it was going to hell with SD and BM's drama -- doin ok so far (of course there are ups and downs)."
Met my SD when she was nine. We were married when she was 10 and she was a big sister a week before she turned 11. Same age. SD was a drama queen but no where near what you're talking about. I think it would be one thing to even think about wishing you would have an abortion, but saying it, then following up with threats is not something I would take lightly.
She is way too old to be behaving this selfishly.
Here's something the psychologist said to us to help SD understand about love.
Most children imagine love is finite, like a pie. So if there are only two people who share the pie you get half. But if a couple other people show up you only get a fourth. If SIX people show up (the size of our family) that leaves only a small slice for each.
BUT love is NOT like a pie. Love is infinite and exponential. Meaning it not only doesn't run out, but is able to multiply with added people.
So we need to think of love as working more like a loaf of bread- People as yeast and love as dough. Dough will grow only as much as the amount of yeast you have. So for two people you only add a little yeast and it grows into a small loaf. When you add two more people/more yeast and the loaf rises to accommodate. Therefore the more people/yeast you add, the larger the loaf/love becomes to have more than enough for everyone.
The Dr suggested for younger children to actually make a loaf of bread and have them watch the yeast make it rise.
I really like this analogy. Unfortunately, SD's BM has already taught her you can't love more than one or two people at a time. Love is finite in BM's mind. She didn't even want DH to love his own parents/siblings because then she was convinced he didn't love her.
Peace, love, and red wine
That is a good analogy.
That is a good analogy. Maybe if the time is right I will use it. But I'm not bringing the topic up.
I would get her help
I would get her help regardless of the fit she throws on the way in.. after several sessions of sitting there for an hour w/another person.. that kid will eventually talk..
I have also found that if you find a person that specializes in children.. they have a way about them to get them to talk.. even if the kid doesnt want to talk.
I think she needs counseling.. I would be depressed, angry and fell cheated if I were finally pregnant and my skids said they wanted me to have an abortion...
What does your husband normally say to her when she makes these comments??? That is such a hurtful thing for someone to say to another. She should be ashamed of herself.
I would force her to go talk to someone. Good Luck.
Great analogy Zen
I love the bread idea. You could even liken a family to the ingredients-it takes different ingredients to make a good loaf and each very different ingredient is just as important to the dough as the other.
I remember my sd being very worried that dh and I were going to have a baby together. Dh had a vasectomy so that was never an option for us.
It sounds like she is very worried about being repalced somehow; however, her reaction is extreme. I would definately get her with a counselor to help her work through this. More than likely it is going to have to be a family counseling event.
I would also be worried that she may actually try to hurt the baby.
Georgie
I know how she feels
as a stepchild I felt like this. My step-mum did want a girl as she has two boys already. One from a previous relationship and another with my dad. I was real daddys girl and still am lol. Its terrified when my dad told my step-mum was pregnant and I could see he was afraid of my reaction and a soon after that I wanted to move in with my dad. Which what my dad didn't know was I was going through problems or had been threw something he didn't know about. My step-mum being pregnant scared me alot and I was alot older than your sd. my step-mum always resented and was jealous but my dad having another girl calling her daddy and that me being pushed out really scared me.
I must say though that he behaviour is not right at all i was never like this at all.
Anyway I moved in with my dad, step-mum and as I had been through this thing my dad never knew about i was lashing out abit. Anyway this did settle down. I mean i already had a half-brother and step-brother so loved them both.
Then it got to the scan day where they found out the sex and remember walking into the kitchen and my step-mum stood saying guess what I'm having. Then i automatically said a girl and she said not its a boy sounding disappointed. For me I can say that having a boy would not have bothered me but a girl really would have upset me scared into thinking I would have been pushed.
Now i can't explain why your sd is like maybe its because she has had her dad all to herself all them years and feels her daddy will not love her no more. Maybe she feels you want her pushed out. I think she might need to go counselling.
How are things?
How are you doing? I hope you are not stressing to much about this as it not going to be good for the baby.
You and your dp need to tell her about how good a little bro/sis will be and that being an older sister will be good. Otherwise getting her to see someone is the best option.
Your having your first child and are you going to prepared getting use to having your own child and a sd. I'm 25 and had my lo in jan 2007 and its hard for the first year. Trying to give attention to you dp let alone another child is difficult. When the baby comes your time feeding the baby and changing nappies will take up alot of your time. So your sd may not get your attention alot if you the one who is going to be at home with her and the baby while your dp is working. Even I worry to myself about having another child how will my lo feel. Did you plan this pregnancy because do you really know what your letting yourself into.
ATTENTION is what she will want from your dp and demand more and more so really the baby wont get a look in.
If she is saying things like she will kill herself then she does need help.I'm worried for you as she is saying all sorts about the baby. You do feel like a new baby especially a for me a baby girl. I felt is she going to be daddy's favourite girl etc. Another thing that she will feel jealous weather its a girl or boy that baby will have two parents she lives with you her stepmum and dad. Which she will be jealous.
Can I ask what she was like before you told her your were pregnant? To be honest with you i am not sure if I am worried for you or your sd. I hope you get this sorted out and keep updating us. I am a bm and a sd.
Naturally your going to love your baby and not feel the same about your sd. So she will feel this baby is all your fault and that you planned to push her out. She must feel that your trying to make her dad love this more than her she might think all sorts. How does she feel about her dad is she a daddy's girl? It sounds like when the baby is born you got to watch her and not leave her alone with your baby.
Congrats on your pregnancy and takecare.
Um, hello?!
NO child has all the control over their environment that they would want to have.
psychiatrist
I would be getting her enrolled with a psychiatrist. I would never leave my baby alone in the same room with her. I would never trust her not to hurt the baby.
Just wanted to update: This
Just wanted to update:
This weekend went pretty well. There were no outbursts or anything like that. SD was in a good mood all weekend, and had a friend sleep over Saturday night.
After our conversation Friday morning, I was surprised to get home from work Friday night and find her friendly and relaxed with me. Which was good.
My husband did tell me that when he picked her up Friday afternoon they had at it a little. Apparently SD told him he has to choose between her and me. I also know she, for some reason, really thinks she can do something to make this (the baby) not happen. I'm not sure when she'll realize that is not the case...maybe when I start really showing, the reality will set in for her.
Any way, I'm still just trying to take it easy around her and avoid conflict. Husband and I have an appointment Thursday night with a family therapist (she wanted to see me and H first, before bringin SD in). Hopefully this woman will be able to give us some tips on how to handle SD's emotions.
Thanks for all your support! I'll keep updating here if anything happens.
Ohh.. good luck w/the appt.
Ohh.. good luck w/the appt. I hope that it works out for you guys. I really hope that you will be able to enjoy your first pregnancy soon!!
good luck
Hi
Good luck with the appt and glad she not been that bad.
Don't say that
At that age I ended up in place due to all the problems i had. I had major problems at school and think my grandad died. I also had problems where I lived with my mother. It was so bad and I completely lost the plot.
My dad rang round and got me to see someone. Even remember his name anyway he asked would my step-mother come to a discussion and he said no. Anyway I think then she was just always asking me question and saying why you follow you dad around etc.
I went to stay two week in the place and my dad realised that is would make me worse. I had to go school which didn't want to go. I lived with other girls and boys. One was actually just badly behaved and thats why he was in there. Then a girl was there for be sexually abused by her father.
So I would take her to see the therapist. After I left the appointments was still abit bad it took me ages to get my confidence back. After I stopped all the lashing out I then went very depressed and didn't want to do nothing. Then went I moved up to live with my dad then my life became back to normal.
Yeah my step-mum was pregnant but I was fine with the baby thing in the end. To be honest I got a job and workeds and stuff. Don't want to scare you but soon I went clubbing and met boys etc. I was fine honestly with having another brother i got use to that. Then you meet people hang out and meet guys which I did. Behind my dads back though.
I'm 25 you need to think about how this girl is going to be when she is an adult. She is 10 you can try and snap her out of it. If she alright for now then hope she going to go down the same path as me or other kids that age and really go off the rails. As long as you take it easy.
As I said to this other person on another site parentcentre that there some sd thing going round at the moment.