GAL wants SO to move closer to child
I have had this sneaky suspicion for a while, but finally the GAL reached out to my SO today asking him if he would consider moving closer to the child so she could remain in the same school. This seems to be the ONLY hang up giving my SO sole custody of his kiddo - that currently my SO lives an hour away. She is almost 13 (7th grade). This is tough. On one hand, if there was a guarantee that he would get sole custody by completely upending his life/work/relationship, then yes, consider it. It would be hard....moving back to his hometown would be really hard on his mental health. On the other hand, kids move all the time! They change schools, they make new friends! Is the short-term comfort of being in the same school worth the long-term damage being done by her horrifically abusive mother?
I am so torn - what are your thoughts? Anyone have any experience with this?
I often hear bad things about
I often hear bad things about GALs - while I understand they are supposed to be impartial parties that serve the child, they often favor one parent over the other and place ridiculous expectations on the parents to make this "work." While I understand they want DH to move "for the sake of his child," the adult has the greater difficulty - finding a new job or a significant commute, finding affordable housing/giving up current housing, etc. The child will lose their friends, their extracurriculars, and their school, all of which can be refound at a new school.
If this was an intact family unit, the parents would decide what is best for the family as a whole, regardless of how it impacts the kids. Dad got a huge promotion and they need to move, they are moving. Mom's parents are old and sick and they need to move to take care of them, off they go. Intact families don't allow children to make the decisions, but split household custody battles often do. GALs tend to put the kid's interests above all else despite how unreasonable it might be.
I don't think moving is the answer. Being closer to BM and having it tank DH's mental health by dealing with her more frequently isn't going to help SD. It will probably only make this whole dynamic worse. How important is it to have sole custody? If that is the only way the judge/GAL will give it, is it worth it?
All of this time, it's been
All of this time, it's been okay for your DH to have visitation and live an hour away. Why isn't it good enough for BM to have visitation and live an hour away.
For your DH to move, would he have to change jobs? If yes, I would make the case that he can provide a better lifestyle, stability and better schooling if his daughter moved to where he is. That moving to where BM lives would be a downgrade in lifestyle and stability for his daughter and.......himself. He can be a better father and offer her more if she comes to live with him.
This GAL seems to be influenced by BM.
Appreciate the feedback!
Agree with both of these so so much!
GAL is for sure sick and tired of the BM antics in the past year. Fortunately for my SO, the GAL has had a front row seat to the absolute sh*t show that is the BM and we feel has given some significant signals that SO should have his kiddo full time. Unfortunately, she is still hesitant to pull the trigger on making that decision - now we know why. My SO wants to respond with this below (names removed) but we might add some of the things mentioned here as well!!! I think he should meet with the GAL in person too....oh, and YES. BM is absolutely without a doubt abusing this kiddo. For her own well-being, dad needs sole custody.
GAL,
The short answer is yes, I have considered moving closer. The longer answer is more complicated than just moving closer.
If me being an hour away is the only thing keeping me from sole custody, and that upending my life/work/relationship would guarantee I would have sole custody - then yes, I would do that for [my daughter] without hesitation. I'm not sure that is a guarantee you can offer though.
The stability in my own life, which I am able to provide for [my daughter], has come from me moving away. My job, my family, my friends, and my relationship with my girlfriend have all been substantially significant in my own healing and growth to be a better parent for [my daughter]. All of my support system will significantly shift by moving closer. My own mental well-being and stress will be affected by moving, and I have to consider how that might impact [my daughter].
My other hesitation to moving closer is that kids move schools all the time. They adjust. They make new friends. I know [my daughter] will be able to do the same, just as she has with her move to [school to school]. I strongly feel that with continued therapy, plus physical distance, can help [my daughter] to become less enmeshed with her mother and grow to become a much more confident, independent young lady. I don't know if the short-term comfort/stability of staying in the same school outweighs the long-term benefits of breaking free of her mother's overwhelming personality/behaviors. I anticipate that a transition will be extremely tough on everyone, but that ultimately it will be what is best for [my daughter] long-term.
With all that said, I hope you might consider granting me primary placement this coming summer as an interim solution. [my daughter] struggled mightily this summer as pointed out by [her therapist]. With [my daughter] being at her grandparents so often, being cooped up in her room, and the added stress of [her mother's] health problems all likely contributed to the decline of her mental health/behavioral issues. She needs a significant break from [her mother] and her grandmother. Giving me primary placement this summer would afford me the opportunity to demonstrate my ability to co-parent (as best as [her mother] will allow), and provide for [my daughter's] day-to-day needs. It would also give [my daughter] an opportunity to really feel out how living with me could be, and could make a transition to living with me permanently much easier. If things go terribly this summer, then there is a much stronger case for me moving close her, but if things go well, especially for [my daughter], then I think there is a strong case for her to remain with me where I am.
I am open to other suggestions as we try to figure this out.
He might also mention the
He might also mention the distance from BM creates a buffer that reduces conflict, and he worries moving closer would make it easy for BM to ramp up her high conflict ways.
Very well written!! Bravo! I
Very well written!! Bravo! I really like how this was worded.
WHATTTTT
IF GAL is leaning towards dad to be primary custodial parent,
..then that is how her/his report should read. I have yet to know of a Judge to dismiss a fit parent for change of custody because they would NOT move back to the child's home turf. Moms move all the time, shifting kids from one district to another. Judges do not blink an eye. Are you aware of that?
I would not respond in writing to this GAL.
NOR would I include reasons for not moving are mental health. Men usually do not say such stuff...did you write that?
It is one thing to respond directly (IN PERSON) with "We are well established in our community Sally loves it here.. Our home, our employment, our church family, our extended family ALL of which Sally has strong bonds with. Her little friends will be thrilled she will be attending the same school as she will be....
Something like that ^^^
**unwise to lie IF none of the above is true.---
IS BM tilting towards being unfit? What could the reason be for this 100percent change of full custody. It is rare. Unless bm is looking at doing time in the clinker. It is very rare.
**edit to add, if a GAL uses 'not moving' against you, then the GAL was not going to recommend placement with you anyway. All your response does (that you wrote) opens a lot of worms up.
Be direct, be truthful and do not wiggle around that your current town is maybe not the best place for the child---IT IS the best placement for the child, right?
JMO
Totally agree. The other
Totally agree. The other version was way too much, too long, filled with unnecessary detail and lots about the dad. The Gal doesn't care about dad's mental health, they represent the child only.
This version is way more appropriate. Though I would still run it by your lawyer before responding. They know how to phrase stuff and what will help and what won't.
I would see what your lawyer
I would see what your lawyer says. They know how the local courts work and what the judges are likely to agree to or not.
If the lawyer thinks a move is critical then have the lawyer write up an affidavit that your husband signs that says he agrees to move to keep sd in the same school if and when he is awarded full custody.
BM is absolutely without a
BM is absolutely without a doubt abusing this kiddo.
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Is cps involved? Have police filed criminal charges? Felony child abuse/felony child neglect?
CPS, yes. LE, No.
CPS says take her back to court. Law enforcement is woefully inept at investigating emotional/psychological abuse. It will only enrage the BM and make things worse for the kiddo. Kiddo's therapist dropped her in July (whole other story), so new therapist just started.
Appreciate all the input here. Lots to think about. We worked on the reply together, but haven't sent anything. Will definitely run it by the attorney. Thankfully nothing needs to be decided this instant.
I would not tell the GAL he'd
I would not tell the GAL he'd move with a guarantee of placement. If things with the BM are such that the GAL thinks the child needs to be placed with dad, GAL would recommend that regardless of the hour distance and the need for SD to move schools. There are some bad GALs out there. I wouldn't disrupt my life based on what a GAL said.
Why are you a hour away in the first place ?
You will be also moving closer to BM. Where she can up her game of ooor me. She can drop over any time. Moving, requires changing jobs. Finding a new house. Moving. $$$. Who is paying for all of this.. are you going to get CS. ? LOL. You will think about it, you see the good points. You will work on it . Depends on how BM Responds to the new child arrangement.
Job
SO's job was initially closer to where his kiddo is - then it moved and he decided it was better financially for him to move closer to the job.
Sadly, far too many in the
Sadly, far too many in the system with influence over blended families and supposed focus on a kid's best interests are sourced from the bottom 10%ers of their job that it is nauseating.
Judges, lawyers, GALs, teachers, school administrators, CPS workers, etc, etc, etc.....
While I respect the job that they have, I rarely have respect for those in the job. Few of them earn respect and even fewer are worthy of respect at all.
Nope, this GAL should be told that their job is to rule on the best interest of the kid and that the facts are so obvious that a change in school for a 7th grader is a non issue when compared to being forced to remain in the toxic clutches of this POS BM. IMHO, anyone with this kind of authority should be held accountable legally for their decions and subject to being sued for stupid choices with significant personal liability for idiot decisions. No immunity. Full liability. Period. Dot.
Priority should be your husband’s job security/financials
There is no guarantee court will agree to give sole custody so suddenly he's moved towns, wasted money on moving costs and moving into a new town, probation in new job, no guarantee same salary and could be earning less.
they should be looking into which parent is financially stable and actually responsible enough to care and raise the kid. If bio mum is abusive, irresponsible etc, then skid should not be in her custody period!!
whilst I understand skid may wanna remain in same school as she may be in last few years of primary or high school, kids move all the time to new cities, different states and even different countries and they learn to make new friends etc.
if skid can't make new friends in a new school, they have developmental and behavioural issues. Stand your ground because you and your so shouldn't have to uproot your lives for the kid when there are suitable schools nearby for skid to go to