Need advice about adult stepson staying/ living at home
Hello, I'm new here and so happy to find such a great community!
I've been partnered for 11 years to a man who has 2 stepsons (mid 20's). The first few years my SO and I lived apart so I didn't see them much -- they were incredibly rude and hostile in the beginning.
After 5 years SO and I moved in together and didn't invite the older kind of entitled SSon1 to live with us with his girlfriend like SK1 wanted to. I set boundaries about SSon2 not smoking dope, alcohol in the house if he wanted to live with us. Because of that they had a lot of intense negative feelings towards me and SO, and I stepped back allowing SO to deal and create new relationships with his sons. I knew it would take time for them.
Long story short, it's taken 10 years for the SSon1 to be open to a relationship with me. He has a chronic illness which makes it hard for him to function fully and we live in an expensive part of the country. Since he was struggling and I felt like I wanted to create a new relationship with generous, I offered $500 a month for a couple of years while he finishes college. He's a good kid with great goals. I like him and want to create a new relationship with him.
He came to live with us for some weeks this year and although I wanted him to feel welcome, it was hard for me in many ways because his illness and is depressed. He breaks things and makes a mess. He's looking for a home but I'm torn that he's not really trying because of his illness and also, that his illness has become an excuse. SO wants to mend the past and we've agreed to a short-term stay but haven't defined how short is short.
I'd love any suggestions about boundaries and how to set them. I feel guilty about the past, and feel sorry for Sson1's condition but also really really need my space.
Thanks for reading and any suggestions!
Nothing good will come of
Nothing good will come of having him live with you. Provide support in other ways, including a small amount of financial support. If he moves in, you will resent him, you will try to lay down the rules, or keep it all in until you explode, and your DH will throw you under the bus. This is all predictable just go read in the adult step forum.
I hate to say this but you
I hate to say this but you are stuck now. Your partner will probably be very lax about boundaries, if he's like most of our partners here, and he will not want to ever throw his "baby" out on the streets. And your SS will get comfortable and always have reasons not to leave.
My SS moved in with us six years ago, just before he turned 20. I was ok with it cuz he was an ok kid and he absolutely hated living with his mom and stepdad and I let my pity for him cloud my judgement. Now I could not be sorrier that I ever agreed to it because he is NOWHERE close to launching and I am stuck with a 26 year old man-child for god knows how long. My DH will not kick him out, even though he is a lazy, good for nothing, video game addicted waste of space. This month he can't even pay his rent in full, because he took it upon himself to make the incredibly stupid decision to quit his job with nothing else lined up and no plan. I almost had to pay his car insurance too, but he managed to scrape that money together (and I almost lost my sh-t with DH over that).
But maybe your partner is reasonable. It can't hurt to try. But you're going to have to get him to agree what the boundaries are first. How long can he stay? Six months? A year? Make a time line and MAKE HIM stick to it. One of my mistakes was not setting up a time that SS had to be out by, and because that, and the fact that my SS is such a loser, my fear is I will be stuck with him when he's 40. Because my DH is a soft, guilty dad and can't imagine forcing him out before he's ready. Which he won't ever be because he has it made here. Why on earth would he ever get his own place that would cost him 3 times what he pays here, plus utilities and wi-fi?
The bottom line is that you can have all the boundaries you want, but unless your partner is on board, they won't mean squat. You have to be on the same page, and if I were you, I'd get it all in writing. Make your SO and SS sign it and HOLD THEM TO IT. I kick myself for not doing it myself, but I was incredibly naive in thinking that SS would eventually not want to be living with parents well into his 20s. Ha! How wrong I was.
Your best boundary is the one
Your best boundary is the one where SS does not live with you. You have instincts for a reason, and you are bothered enough about it to post on here. After a decade of having what I thought was a good relationship with my SKs, I found out they were trashing me behind my back to DH, while at the same time SD34 wanted to move in with her 3 year old and some large dogs, because she had just thrown her DH of 4 years out and wanted to move in with Daddy instead. I said NO, and everything blew up. The next two years were absolute hell, my health was almost completely destroyed by the stress, and even so I think every day I was grateful that I had held that line. It ended up that DH and I were able to establish some shaky new boundaries, and time will tell if he can hold them in place or if he will yield to their manipulative, guilt-inducing, emotionally blackmailing behaviors (which include withholding grandchildren access). Hold firm. Help pay for living expenses outside your home (with a clear end date) if you have to.