Ex is Pregnant with His Children

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Hello All,

I'm new to this site but I have a dilemma here and I have read some of your posts and felt motivated to seek outside advice... I'm not familiar with the abbreviations used so I'm just going to type long version.. I guess this is more for what I might expect rather than me actually being step parent now.

Long story short. I started dating a man and when we met we had a friendship where he told me he was in a long distance relationship. The woman lives 3 hours away, they were only dating for a few months, and and would see each other only on the weekends. According to him she was the "rebound girl" that he met fresh out of an engagement. Or rather the "other woman" that ultimately motivated him to leave an unhealthy relationship. Although we started off as friends we eventually fell deeply for each other but before we persued something more between us, He broke it off with her. I believed he did because he hadn't gone out of town to see her like he usually would. Anyway, He told me she was still in love with him, that they didn't break up on "bad terms" so they had a respectful friendship. It irked me a little that he still kept contact with her but as long as he wasn't flying out of town to see her I could care less. Anyway before things got really serious between us, he went out of town ONE LAST TIME to bring a face to face closure to the telephone break-up. (that trip alone caused me a headache) Let me cut to the chase --- months after we're in blinded bliss he gets a call from her saying that she is pregnant but didn't want to tell him when she first found out. And the cherry on top is that she's having twins!! This news has been particularly tough on the both of us as we really love each other and we see a future together and possibly marriage -- but this woman is still in love with him, although he wants to be with me and he tells her that. But this woman has an image that he'll leave me because of the children and be "one happy family"... when he doesn't really love her... I have no children of my own and he has a 15year old son (and now these twins)... My heart wants to continue on with the relationship, but because I have no children of my own and may want some in the future, I'm seriously thinking about leaving because I'm afraid of how dramatic it would be to marry someone with young children--- with all the obligations he will have to them, her, not to mention she's still in love with him? He's a good guy and I really want him to be there for his children but is it worth it to try to work out what we have... I feel we have a strong bond despite the fact, or should I just do everyone a favor and leave for the sake of their children? The babies aren't even born yet and already 2 holidays went by since she told him she was pregnant and she spent it with him and his family and I was kept in the dark... Is it worth it? Hearing baby mama drama stories is scary.. I pray that there's an exception to the BM rule. I hope I'm not being naive... :?

"The babies aren't even born

"The babies aren't even born yet and already 2 holidays went by since she told him she was pregnant and she spent it with him and his family and I was kept in the dark... Is it worth it?"
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Are you saying that since you've been together he has had this girl at family gatherings and you weren't aware of it?

Sorry to say, but from what I'm reading, this guy is a player. Didn't leave ex-fiance until he started a relationship with this girl. Didn't leave this girl until he started a relationship with you. I'm seeing a pattern there that I believe it will only end up in heartache for you. Are you sure this guy is worth it?

Well, He told me about

Well, He told me about "Father's Day" and his mother requested she come see her for "Fourth of July" - Apparently she hadn't seen her since they broke up.

About 8 months togehter...I

About 8 months togehter...I believe she's 6 months.

Do the math. I'd run like

Do the math. I'd run like hell before you end up pregnant and he's off running around with someone new...AGAIN. The final face-to-face goodbye (ended in her pregnant), the TWO holidays with her and not YOU; hunny, he's sleeping with this woman any chance he gets. It is SO obvious!

Only 8 months into this relationship and look at all the drama. It WILL only get worse once those babies are born. Gain some self-respect and realize you deserve better and to be in a relationship where somebody loves and wants to be with ONLY you. You shouldn't have to compete for your man's affection. And, whether you realize it or not, that is exactly what you are doing.

Please read everyone's comments. They are true and spoken from lessons learned and experience. If this many people are telling you these things, you have to take a step back and ask yourself if maybe they are right?

RUN very fast!

^^^YES....this! RUN!!!

I have to agree with the rest

I have to agree with the rest of the responses - RUN!

Even if you truly believe he loves you and he really wants to be with you forever and ever - the stage is already set for soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much misery for you in this scenario. Stick around here and read about BMs who have had boundaries very clearly defined for them and take a look at all of the crap they dish out to the stepmom on a regular basis. This BM will not have any boundaries, she will not recognize any EVER. Your boyfriend already screwed that all up with his "closure meeting". No one deserves the hell you are in for if you stay in this relationship. Let her have him and go find a man who can make a real commitment to have children with.

Oh my. This is really tough

Oh my. This is really tough to hear, but I thank you ALL for ALL the comments no matter how harsh. This helps me to make a more logical decision. However, I never really pegged him as a "player" type. Considering that we were fairly 'new' when she got pregnant, and he's taken accountability for his action and is remorseful. Does that count? He was also pretty honest with me about the "holidays" being that I knew about it prior (I was very tolerant or attempting to be understanding)... Is there any chance that a relationship like this can survive? Or is it fire and brimstone all the way through? I know I sound like I'm in denial. I'm usually smart in common sense situations but in matters of the heart I'm optimistic to a fault. I would like to believe its not the case that he WILL end up with her. He is stressed about this too but knows and wants to be father to his children, but not an item with her... We do love each other, But I guess "love" really isn't a good enough incentive to marry/have a relationship with a man with a BM who's in love with him as well. Awwhghh. I need an aspirin....

I feel for you being in this

I feel for you being in this situation. Really, I do. It's easier to follow emotions than logic. I feel that you are making "excuses" for his actions in order to downplay the reality of it all. It's much less hurtful and easier to do that than to face the reality of the situation. You and him were together, he went to see her knowing full well of his intentions. He probably never expected her to get pregnant but, she did, and he absolutely should take accountability for that. The fact that he is taking responsibility doesn't get him a "get out of jail free" card. It's a given that he should do that. He's remorseful because he was CAUGHT cheating. If she had not gotten pregnant, would he have told you that he slept with her? You stated in a previous blog that you were left in the dark about the holidays. Did he include you as well during those holidays? If not, think about what that says. It says ALOT!

Obviously, this is bothering you. Otherwise, you would have never came here. Is this type of life what you really want? Step twins with a wacky BM for the rest of your life? A man that is a known cheater? Not only in your relationship but a previous one as well (and who knows how many other affairs he's had, while in relationships, that you don't even know about). Personally, I would have ran like there was no tomorrow from this guy.

But, whatever you decide, I wish you the best! I hope you find it in yourself to make the right decision.

Ok, the fact that she is

Ok,

the fact that she is still in love with him, should be the least of your worries.
Now if you really want to see if this can actually work~~ although I agree with everybody else that you should run and protect yourself ~~ you should set your rules.

If he loves you as much as you do, he will not want to lose you. So, how about you ask to meet this woman. Meet her and have him explain to her how the situation is going to be from now on. Logically he wouldnt oppose to that.He should be happy to reassure you that there is nothing going on between them .right?

Now, talk to him to find out how much he wants to be involved in his kids' lives. Is he going to try to get full custody? 50-50? or just visitation?

He will have to follow a legal procedure to be able to see his kids and he is most probably going to have to pay child support. Whatever the case however, you should be informed about his intentions, so that you can decide if you are comfortable with the situation.

You need to step up if you are actually thinking of going through all this. And who knows maybe in the process you will figure out what you want to do.

Well, Besides the fact that

Well, Besides the fact that he apologized/begged more than a million times to forgive him/stay *the typical guilt reaction* You never really can tell how remorseful any one is... I know he's told her about me and I've seen the messages she's sent him about how hurt she is that he's not in love with her. I don't know --- this whole thing is looking pretty grim now. I might have to take it as a loss this time and move on...It hurts though. Not easy... at all. But if I was carrying his children and not her, I probably would've been in a worse position. There's always a bright side I guess... :?

Yes there is. and it looks

Yes there is.

and it looks like you have made up your mind.which is very good for you. We only get to live one life so why waste it in things that makes us want to take an aspirin?

Good luck

"why waste it in things that

"why waste it in things that makes us want to take an aspirin?"
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It's an aspirin now. That aspirin quickly turns to a shot of hard whiskey once you actually become a stepmom

I do the "margaritas" for now

Thanks! All of you guys are

Thanks! All of you guys are really great and I'm so happy I decided to blog here. I've been waiting for this confident feeling to leave for months and I finally feel like I can muster the "cojones" to walk away... I hope it sticks. Its only right to let it go. For my own sanity if for nothing else...

And, we're always here any

And, we're always here any time you need to boost that confidence

Go, NOW. And don't look

Go, NOW. And don't look back.

You don't want this. A teen SS and twin infant Skids. Even I would not take that on and I like being a Sparent and am madly in love with my beautiful bride.

IMHO of course.

Best regards,

Listen to your brain, not

Listen to your brain, not your heart or your hormones baby cakes. He is either a player, or you are the other woman or he has a serious cheating problem. Find a nice, honest, solid guy - he is not the one. you do not want to have stepchildren who were concieved while you and your guy were in a relationship. make a clean break.

You deserve better!! Find a

You deserve better!! Find a faithful honest man that will have babies with you down the road when you are ready. This guy is something!! He has a 15yo, broke off an engagement, got this girl pg with twins then is trying to start somethig with you?? Does his fMily know you exist? What do they think? He is no good. And I hate to say it but he might end up with her. Maybe not because he 'loves' her but because it's his x-th attempt to settle down and now with twins on the way... He sounds like the kind of scum that would stay with her rather than pay child support for twins! Besides, if you don't have kids of our own why do you want to step into a situation with 2 exes to deal with. Read posts here about the kind of 'bm' (birth mom) drama people here have withtheir husbands's exes (baby mamas). You would have that times two!! And this one seems just crazy. If she knew about you and knew he wanted to be with you, is there a chance she got pregnant on purpose? You def don't want to be involved with that drama. This relationship went downhill fast and things will only get harder. If this guy was worth the fight ok, but he is definately not.

If you feel like taking the

If you feel like taking the time, go back and read my blogs from two years ago. Almost the same situation. Girl, get out of it now. Even if he were worth it (which I think he's a player), the drama that a BM who thinks you should disappear from the picture because she's having his twins isn't worth it. The similarities are eerie. Please, tell me you don't live in Colorado and his first name doesn't start with an L. And, above all, if you did decide to stay, keep all of your finances separate and don't get married for a long, long time until all the custody crap is settled. It's a great way to lose weight and need therapy.

You asked if there is any

You asked if there is any chance that your situation could work out.......well, only if
1) you are willing to be this man's doormat
2) you are prepared to tolerate cheating. If he cheats on a relationship this new (when it is exciting and you are caught up in the passion), there is a good chance he will cheat when the fires of passion die down. And trust me, they do die down after a while.
3) you are prepared to deal with an emotional bio-mom ex who still loves your man (and therefore, will likely do anything she can to GET your man) and will try to make your life a living hell in the process. I've been there on this one. Madly in mutual love with a man separated from his wife. Wife still loved him though and did everything she could to come between us, make him feel guilty and use the children as weapons.
4) times that by two. You have another ex and SS to deal with, and you have no idea what she will bring to the table.

Please, please, run the other way. If you don't, you are in for more heartache that you could ever imagine. EVER. Life is too short to deal with that kind of stress and drama. You deserve a man who loves you and will give you the children that you want WITH you. Not by someone else.

ok so I thought I would add

ok so I thought I would add my 2 cents.. although recently its more like 1 cent.. anyways..lets make sure I have this right:
1. Man and woman 1 are in a (unhealthy) relationship
2. Man meets woman 2 and start a relationship
3. Man then leaves woman 1
4. Man meets you, claims woman 2 was rebound
5. Man has relationship with you
6. Man decides to break it off with woman 2
7. Man wants last fling with woman 2 and gets her preg. when you have been in relationship with him for 2 months

Now it makes me wonder why relationship 1 was "unhealthy" was it because he was seeing woman 2, or because he needed to justify it to woman 2, and then you were told woman 2 was a "rebound" .. what is he telling or going to tell someone about you?
If woman 2 wouldnt have ended up preg. would he have told you he cheated on you? Probably not..
can you trust him.. I know I wouldnt, evey time he goes to pick up the kids you will sit and wonder if he is sleeping with her.. without trust you have nothing.
its all there in black and white.. I think you posted here cuz you knew you need to leave him, but you wanted to confirm that you were doing the right thing.. ugh that sounded so much better in my head.. anyways run, run as fast as you can.. dont look back.
If he indeed loves you and wants you and ONLY you, it will work out..if you want proof what he is going to do just tell him you want a break.. for like 4 months.. and watch what he does..from what you said it sounds like he will find someone else...

Ditto as above. Honey you are

Ditto as above.
Honey you are making excuses why you should forgive him and take him back.
Seriously, he HAD to go out of town to his long distance ex lover and say goodbye? He couldn't do this on the phone? He HAD to go out of town?
That is a load of crap. And if he REALLY loved you he would not in a lifetime have slept with this girl or anyone else.

He should go and be a great father make sure he is in his children's lives. They need him far more than you do.

Isn't it weird how he can spin a line that sounds very plausible. You think "well maybe he is right and ..." Then you repaeat the story to a bunch of strangers who point you in the right direction unanimously?

Thank you all for your

Thank you all for your comments! You really helped me a lot! Its been two years since I posted this and after I read all of your comments I did manage leave the relationship. He's still a friend on FB although we never talk, but I see the pictures of him with his twin boys and...his NEW girlfriend!! I believe that with all your help and comments in seeing the situation for what it was instead of how I wanted it to be helped me to make the right decision for myself and for my future. Although I am however, in my early 30s, still single with no children - I'm optimistic about meeting the right guy and may even consider step motherhood with the right person... but anything is better than what I had to go through with that guy! You guys are the best and I read and took heed to every single reply!! Much Love!!

Coolios, are we doing a

Coolios, are we doing a November Stepfamily Death Count?

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Ex is Pregnant with His Children