Events with BM
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So BF invited me to his son's communion and I have been mentally preparing myself for it for days. Not looking forward to it simply because I will have to spend a few hours around BM and her family. We will be around them during the ceremony at the church, then will have to join them at the reception at a hall BM's and BF's families rented out. I wouldn't have anxiety about it if we only had to be around them at the church, but knowing I'll be spending even more time with them at the reception doesn't make me very excited for this event. Hoping they just stay away from me and our DD.
How do you guys handle events that BM and her family will also be attending?
I am friendly and say hello.
I am friendly and say hello. Then I'm sure to sit away from them so that I can enjoy the event without unnecessary small talk.
I'll offer to take pictures for them but that's the extent of my cordiality.
My husband doesn’t ever want to be in the presence
of batshit crazy exwife family and co.. her family threatened to kill hubby multiple times... makes me wonder sometimes what will happen when skids marry? Hubby knows exwife is not capable of civility so if skids want to force hubby to be there, he knows straight up bio mum will be trying to cause a scene so why be there if that’ll happen and ruin someones special day. I think hubby would rather lie and say he’s overseas on a work trip then
BF's ex is capable of
BF's ex is capable of civility but she's also been known to spazz out randomly, which makes me worry she'll cause a scene for whatever reason at this event. I've even been told that BM's mom tried to fight BF'S mom in the past, so that whole family has issues. That's awful that your DH has to stay away from events due to a crazy ex.
This means the ex isn’t capable of civility
because she spazz’s out at times so she has proven she isn’t capable of civility
it starts off with her awkward looks and evil stares, then a subtle comment to provoke a response from hubby. She tries to talk smack but does it in a conniving way like its a harmless joke but really she wants to put him down.
my husband sees the influence of exwife’s and her family’s dysfunction on skids. Where my husband is from, the father has to give the daughter away at her wedding, he must be present there (its part of their religion) and no marriage celebrant will allow the marriage without that and sd can’t appoint someone else as she needs to prove her dad is incompetent which she can’t do. Their country is big on this cultural stuff. But i know my husband he simply won’t be there knowing the high conflict exwife and her whole dysfunctional family and he certainly won’t go out of his way to play happy daddy and be all smiles when even skids have been rude disrespectful little shits. My husband will likely tell ss to give his sister away but he’s so awkward he would direct someone else to do it..
at that point my husband will be living overseas anyways that even if sd tells him to put it aside for her wedding, she’s being selfish because she refuses to accept reality that bio mum is batshit crazy and knows she will cause a scene but she’s so focussed on happy families etc...
we’ll just have to see what happens when the time comes. But i can safely say with the way skids have been, i don’t see my kids wanting a relationship with their half siblings or inviting them to their weddings because they aren’t really family and never treated us like one and to be expected to invite them because by title they’re half siblings is crap when they’ve never cared about maintaining a relationship. I don’t see hubby being able to push for them to come against our kids wishes because its their special day and they should celebrate it with people who have supported them throughout their lives and whom they’ve not been arseholes to
Actually I don't go. I have
Actually I don't go. I have admiration for people who do go, and handle it in a dignified manner, but for me having been treated like sh1t for a decade by NPD BM, I am not prepared to attend events where she is, which include a social element. Thus I didn't attend any school events, nor SD24's graduation at the other end of the country, which included a sit down meal for the extended family members. I am sure my name is mud for not going to these things (with SDs and NPD BM that is) but do I care? no.
I agree with this
When you’ve been treated like shit by the exwife and skids, you don’t allow them the respect of your presence and time..
You do make a good point.
You do make a good point.
I don't blame you for not
I don't blame you for not wanting to go. It's overwhelming and who wants to spend a good portion of their time around hateful people. I'd rather be doing anything else, but BF invited me and going will make him happy, so I'll have to suck it up and wear my best happy face.
The only event I've been at
The only event I've been at with BM AND her family is court, lol.
Other events it was generally BM, maybe her boyfriend (nice guy), and we just sat far away and ignored. It's not a big deal. Just be distant and civil.
I think most divorced spouses
Try to keep distance between them. If you stay back from your stepson, I really doubt she will approach you. Do not try to outshine her, this is her son's, your DHs and her day.
Well thankfully Psycho really
Well thankfully Psycho really never attends ANYTHING. That would be effort.
As for her family. I put on a pleasant face, look nice so I can feel confident. Then purposefully put focus on the girls. *see birthday breakfast for SD6*
You really have to pick your poison with these things. Go to the event. Stay with your BF, be pleasant, but you don't have to actually hang out with them, or really interact with them. IF you even want to go. Because it's not a necessity either
BM still struggles with my
BM still struggles with my existence all these years later. Add to it that apparently she's always been a turn on a dime personality and it is no surprise that she runs luke warm to ice cold with me.
She will fake pleasantries with me only if someone else is in ear shot and its obvious that is a struggle for her so it's a superficial sentence, two at most. I don't push it, for the most part I stay out of her way and let the SSs take the lead.
OSS struggles with the guilt but seems to be turning a corner these days. YSS is completely oblivious and so I think more likely to light her fuse. But I take my cues from the boys and no one else.
We don't generally have an opportunity to mingle. Darn. The occasional school event - but she avoids us like the plague unless she needs to MOTY for someone. We don't typically do joint events but there has been a joint birthday party here and there, not an annual thing.
I've met one BM sibling at a birthday party and he was very friendly and cordial, like you would expect an adult to be. No issues with myself or SO. Very welcoming, actually.
I did also meet her former split second boyfriend - who I am convinced was an "oh you're introducing someone to the boys? me too!" stand in - at a drop off once a long time ago. Very nice guy. In fact I spoke with him the entire time, she didn't even acknowledge me. Was the first time I "met" her charming self come to think of it.
BM is not a consideration for me. She is no different than any other random adult you might cross paths with at an event. (Unless of course she's high conflict or bonkers, mine is a mostly harmless emotionally stunted source of amusement).
Hopefully her family can
Hopefully her family can carry themselves gracefully and act like adults. BM is high conflict, though so I wouldn't be surprised if she threw an adult tantrum over something trivial. I've already (kind of) met her sister and she was a complete bitch and I have yet to hear good things about the rest of the lot.
I used to attend SD's events
I used to attend SD's events/practices/etc. I have one such occasion I won't forget b/c BM in my case is a GUBM/MOTY type. Anyways, DH and I were at SD's ice skating practice and we sat across the ice skating rink from BM. No where near BM...so of course DH got texts afterwards from BM about how we needed to sit with her b/c sitting so far away from BM was only "hurting" SD. WTF?!?! This was a whole new level of crazy thinking for me and I decided I was out. I DO NOT attend SD's events anymore. No thanks! For the record DH did not bow down and obey BM and say okay but the fact that she can rationalize such crazy was enough for me. I've gone to a few things here and there but honestly watching SD and BM in action is pretty naseauting most of the time. For me it is better to stay home or be "busy" doing something else.
It would be fine for you to
It would be fine for you to duck out of the reception due to dd being tired or needing a break from the excitement. Supporting ss in his communion ceremony is enough. Make sure you have your own way home.
That's true. She'll most
That's true. She'll most likely need a nap after church depending on how long the ceremony is anyway.
I don't go to events where BM
I don't go to events where BM will be. Easy peasy lol
As unenjoyable as it is, I go
As unenjoyable as it is, I go. My DH loves me, is proud to have me as his wife, and wants me by his side. I do it for him.
Things I do to get through it:
If this is too much for you, don't go. If you and your BF are together long-term (or marry), these occasions will happen again over the years and he may want you by his side because he loves you and is proud you are his partner.
This is pretty much the same
This is pretty much the same mindset I approach it with. I am there for SO. I have a good relationship with the boys (for now) but I'm there for SO.
It is not a matter of competition between households or prior life vs. present life.
We are happy. We love and respect each other. We enjoy our lives together. That's apparent whether the people around us are friends, strangers or BM. I don't flaunt it nor will I hide it. We just are.
If that causes feelings one way or the other for any of the adults that's on them and for them to deal with. I am not responsible for anyone's feelings, positive or negative.
These are great tips! Thank
These are great tips! Thank you! Confidence definitely is key. Already have an outfit picked out, know how I want to do my makeup and my hair is done so I'm determined to make sure I look flawless.
I have yet to have to go
I have yet to have to go anywhere with BM since a.) SS doesn’t accomplish anything and B.) she lives out of state. The only event I see myself ever attending for SS is his graduation IF he already is accepted to college and that involves moving out. Otherwise he has accomplished nothing that I find worth celebrating. Frankly I doubt BM would come since she complains about the cost of everything any chance she gets. I know she never went to her oldest sons graduation who she also didn’t have custody of.
I go and enjoy the event,
I go and enjoy the event, chat with BM and her family, and overall, act like an adult. But BM isn't very high conflict, she's pretty relaxed as she doesn't care much for the "mom" role. We even went to SD's kindergarten graduation together, and when SD saw us both together, she proudly grabbed both of our hands and walked through the halls telling her teachers "these are my 2 moms! I have 2!!!!" and it was a bit awkward, but we laughed it off, took photos together, and enjoyed the day.
You're lucky. It's always
You're lucky. It's always easier to be around people who are relaxed and can behave themselves. That is too cute! I love it! People probably think you and BM are a couple but it's adorable that she's comfortable calling you mom.
"these are my 2 moms! I have
"these are my 2 moms! I have 2!!!!"
That's awesome!