Dodged a bullet or is the calm before the storm?
My SS19 who moved out to his other BP house since he was 16 because of the freedom and loose style of the othr BP was now attempting to move back with my SO and I for the past 4-5 months. He started staying here for days and days. SO told me SS had voiced that he wanted to move in for good - ,aybe paradise was crumbling on the othr side. I initially said I'll move out if he moves in. SO was in shock of why would I move out if precious spawn was coming back?? Mind you SS19 is trouble, I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop... anyway we discussed ad nauseam and finally I said there would be rules and lots of them. I provided my list. It was frowned upon and discussed in detail. SO said SS might not move in with so many rules (duh I KNOW!! LOL).
Time has gone by, SS has been back and forth, has not landed here 100% because he hates chores and here he has to do them - dishes, trash, recycle, and a lot of little rules about towels in the bathroom, house keys, friends coming over, NO sleepovers, NO pot, and so on... I knew that would keep him at bay because in his other house he is king and they are salves to him over there.
Last week, there was an incident, long story short he came here, SO was travelling. He ate, he left, he didn't do his dishes. SO came back, next day I vented on how insulting it feels that SS doesn't do his dishes. I guess I triggered and caught SO in a bad moment. Next thing I know SO is dialing SS and made me tell him how insulting is that he leaves dishes behind - it felt ridiculous to me but I did it.
Fast forward this weekend, So told me that SS came very early in the morning from his bouncer job, while I was still sleeping, and took all his clothes (or mostly) and hasn't set foot in this house since the God-sent phone call fiasco more than a week ago.
SS for sure got mad and decided to stay put at his freedom house and not move here... I HOPE!! SO and I are so calm and happy when this a-bomb is not around. Even SO in the past has slipped and told me with guilt that it is a great feeling when SS leaves back to his other house.
So I'm crossing my fingers that SS has decided not move in and stays put in his lazy house. I prefer that SO and SS meet up and hang out somewhere weekly, than that pest coming back and living here.
You can not have another adult move in.
SS 19 he's a adult not a kid. He hasn't live with you in years. You don't need it or want it. It's your home you gave a say in what's going on in it. Is your DH disrespecting you? To let his failed son move in. Is there something wrong with DH that in his wildest dreams think this will work? Is he still looking for his happy family.
'Yes, you are wright. SS can live anywhere but your home. DH can take his ass and live with SS at motel 6 You will not be disrespected. In your own home .
Re-key the locks.
Take away all access except when SS is under your hairy eyeball. Web cams. Don't forget those.
Daddy and his failed family spawn need absolute clarity on all of this. No more. SS is not a guest, he is not a resident. Do not allow him to think that he is either and do not allow daddy to think his spawn is either of those.
You're a wise lady
You have handled this well. Hang in there.
Your SO basically threw a
Your SO basically threw a tantrum and forcing you to tell SS right then and there during said tantrum is a form of emotional abuse IMO. He forced you and SS into a confrontation during what you thought was a conversation between you and your SO.
Agree here. I would be weary
Agree here. I would be weary in the future of any more incidients like this.
Hold your ground though and don't budge! SD13 moving back in once she is an adult is my biggest fear. Sounds very similar to your SS though. Doesn't do chores and has no follow through. DH is very aware, but he also is a complete pushover and gets "used". So I wouldn't be surprised if years down the road he wants to "help" SD get back on her feet, etc. if she wanted to move in. I would move out at that point. Also, the whole no schooling, no job, vaping/smoking, etc. Is something I would NOT want my son to see or be influenced by.
I think SD13 equally despises our house just as much, if not more when she comes over. She typically finds a friend's house to hang out at & disappears. My only hold out is that SD would find some friend's to live with before moving back in.
Has SS ever considered roommates?
I hinted once that SS could
I hinted once that SS could live with roomates and share rent. The asnwer was that he wants to live in the BPs houses to save ALL his money for the future (who knows when!) and that he doesn't like the roommate situation because he hates people dirtying his bathroom and living space and making messes!!! ... and he is the first offender in my house!!! UGH!!!
Skidult wants do not matter.
Skidult wants do not matter. He NEEDs to GTF out and figure it out for himself at this point.
Some kids earn post HS/18yo support. Others, need to launch and finish growing up on their own time and their own dime.
Daddy harping on the wants of his young adult failed family progeny is decidedly unappealing and daddy needs the clarity that SS living arrangements will be "Not in my house!".
My DW and I did not have much trouble with SS though we did have some teen boy brain farts to deal with. Boy parents understand that challenge. Even though SS was exceptionally easy going and well behaved, we did not tolerate him playing sofa rodeo with his goal to ride our sofa into submission. We put his life direction on him when he chose to not take our advice on college, work, etc... We also built, fueled, and lit the burning platform to get him out on his own. Unpaid chore boy with zero self determination and resources at 18yo who only had a roof over his head, food, and clothing put him on the path of a military career.
A kid who is working and who is also demanding, can figure it out on their own. "I want to live with you so I do not have to spend my money."
Not without a proven history of respectful appropriate behavior and demonstrating respect for the home and the adults in it.
IMHO.
Bullet Dodged
YAY!!!
This is the sort of complex sitch there is no instructions book on...
Im thinking ahead to when SD17 will graduate and turn 18 (within a week of each other!). I so want to ask her 'ok so what about after graduation' and specifically "where do you think you will be living" so we can discuss.
All Im getting is "community college classes and a job".
Lol, been there with the grad at 17 then turn 18 adventure.
SS-31 graduated at 17 then turned 18 3mos later. Since he was not 18 yet he was on our dime for the summer after HS. We gave him $1000 as his graduation gift. The caveat was... that was it. If he was with us he had no bills, we would include him dinners out, trips, etc... but when he was on his final SpermClan COd visitation, if he let them guilt him into paying for anything, when his money was gone, it was gone.
He did not tell them about his money.
We did not want to risk him running back to SpermLand and wallowing in the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool so we did not kick him out. We did what we could to guide him into launching into adulthood.
Thankfully, it worked and at 31 he is doing great.
At 18 there are adults
He nothing to you, a renter . You don't need or want a nother adult living with you. DH and SS can rent a apartment and live together.. but no roommates. ??? SS wants his cake and eat it too.