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DO I SORT ROOM FROR SD13,s FIRST VISIT

Drama3zone's picture

Submitted by Drama3zone on Sat, 10/27/2012 - 4:14am

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General Discussion

Those who are regular viewers if my situation will know that after 8 years as full time step mum - SD's got to BM - this was due to me disengaging completely due to
A. Hateful BM
B. DH unable to stand up to BM or DH,s and enforce rules and boundaries

SO - after telling SH marriage over in the wake of all this (as I was sensing he blamed me for his SD's leaving. He has assured me he will change -

No contact with BM for anything other than emergency
Not trying to get me to reengage with SD.s when their BM bails out again
Ours marriage priority

SO . SD17 'hates' us and doesn't want to visit (fine by me)
SD13 is coming over today for first time in 8 weeks - she has been responding (half hearted) to texts / calls from DH and finally agreed to grace him with a visit! (I have had not one call or text from her own free will - she responded to text from me after DH was gulit tripping me.

So - the thing is - her bedroom is how she left it when she left (it hadn't been cleaned for months - so the carpet dirty - its looking cold empty and uninviting) I'm feeling that won't be very welcoming to leave it like that ( see how I get sucked into this with my gulit?)

Do I
Leave the room it's not my problem
Tell DH to sort the room for her
Ignore the whole situation
Hoover the room, change the bedding, spray air freshener!L!!

giveitago's picture

Submitted by giveitago on Sat, 10/27/2012 - 6:15am

I'd tell DH that the room is still as she left it, it looks messy and if he tidies it up you will hoover and make it look more inviting...if he does not then nor do you! That way he cannot guilt trip you into doing it.

needinginwardpeace's picture

Submitted by needinginwardpeace on Sat, 10/27/2012 - 8:57am

Hmmm. Well I would say not to do anything to the room if the SD was being disrespectful, rude, ignorant or any other multitude of things that can occur. But she is coming over. And for anyone coming over, do you want their room that they are sleeping in to be grungy and dirty and really bad? Or would you make an effort. Even though it is 'her room' that she sleeps in, she's still visiting you and I would personally make it inviting, clean it, and make the bed, new sheets, etc. If you don't get the reaction you're hoping for - I'm not sure what you're hoping for though, I doubt you'll get a thank-you, but you will know that you did the right thing, and you made an effort. If you don't do anything and make it really uninviting I just think that's not the right approach. If you start off by doing good, and you aren't treated well, then you just don't do that anymore for her. Then you'll know.

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Sat, 10/27/2012 - 10:51am

I would clean and freshen it up, but I would have done it after the first week. I can't stand messy and smelly! Wink

I'd freshen it up, to start the visit off on the right foot.

Or... I'd do it WITH SD when she got there... you know, help me change the sheets and use that little bit a time to try to reconnect and set a different tone for the visit.

Good luck!

StepDoormat's picture

Submitted by StepDoormat on Sun, 10/28/2012 - 9:02am

Yeah... we have EOW visitation. SDs never come to visit... but SS10 does. After he leaves, I clean the guest room. I also freshen it up before he comes. And, I am about as disengaged as you can get. The only reason I do it is because it's my home. I can't let a room stay messy.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Sat, 10/27/2012 - 11:28am

I wouldn't do it because she is visiting...but as another poster said, it is your home and once she was out, I would have cleaned her shit out and made the room nice anyway.

Drama3zone's picture

Submitted by Drama3zone on Sat, 10/27/2012 - 1:56pm

Thank you! - I had decided on doing nothing about room ater all! As i was actually realising that - even writing it down made me see that I was still way too 'involved' and that this child that I cared for for 8 years had left for BM 8 weeks ago and not one independent call from her to me!

She is here now, we went out to dinner - we were chatting and she says to DH - hey dad remember you said you would take us to disneyland for years and you never did - still having forgot that!" (i have heard this at least 20 times each from both SD"s over the years to him!) - but never a word said about BM abandoning them! I couldn't resist to say "Instead of remembering one thing your dad didn't do how about remembering all he has done all your life!" - then DH says "well your mum had all the money when she left," - she had £70k buy out if house (ALL GONE NOW!) - then we all carried on talking - it was good. Set a good tone for what poison we will allow to be passed on from BM (I,e none) -

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Submitted by 20YearsAsAStep-Mom on Sat, 10/27/2012 - 3:01pm

I know it is tempting to say that but don't. Just let them whine and let DH deal with it. He will soon tire of their demands. If you say anything it is just stirring the pot. Be cool and aloof - that bugs them more if they can't get under your skin. Stay strong and stay alert. Good luck.