So SD7 has been struggling big time with school since she started Kindergarten. There are many, many issues that DH and I are working out with SD that came from the time where her highly indulgent and borderline narcissistic grandparents were her primary caretakers 5 days of the week, before I came into the picture. A lot of her behaviors and her understanding of the world/concepts are more like that of a 4- or 5-year-old, so school has been difficult socially and academically. She has missed a lot of school due to her getting sick every other week and when she has been in school she has either flat out refused to participate or just does not understand the basic concepts they are teaching her. For instance, she doesn't know the days of the week, months of the year, or the seasons. If you asked her if 15 was a bigger number than 13, she wouldn't be able to tell you. And she doesn't recognize some of the alphabet if you were to point to a letter on its own and ask her what it is. 

Behaviorally it has been a massive struggle too. Her defiant behaviors are more toddler-like than anything. Collapsing on the floor, crossing her arms and yelling "no!" in a high pitched baby voice, feeble attempts at puppydog eyes, etc.. At school she has behaved aggressively towards her teachers and attempted to run away several times. Her teachers had called us a few times when she had severe meltdowns. DH insisted it was normal kid stuff, but I never did that and my classmates didn't either. She had gotten better for a while, because I am a bit of a hardass when it comes to routines and participation of household chores and we came down hard on her being aggressive and defiant at school. However, a lot of it has flared up again when DH decided to reward SD for not acting like a complete demon at school with ice cream, pizza, and endless TV time for each week she receives an acceptable rating from her teachers at school. Now she demands pizza and sweets when she doesn't do anything overtly bad at school, which I feel defeats the point. 

I probably sound rambly and off-topic from the title of my post, but I feel a need to vent and I think that it might be important for context. 

DH has had many discussions with SD's teachers, and SD needs to complete and be successful at summer school in order to avoid repeated the first grade. When he brought it up to SD, she immediately had a meltdown. Crying, screaming, the whole gamut. Eventually, when we probed we found out that her grandfather had tried to scare her into behaving better and putting more effort into school by showing her a video from a hospital filled with dying patients that were intubated and bedridden and stating that that was where bad kids and kids who have to go to summer school go. SD insists that it was the truth because of the video and even having grandpa apologize and tell her the actual truth over the phone wasn't enough to convince her. I was able to calm SD down and reassure her. Naturally she was still upset, but I assured her that we would help her be successful in school and reminded her that it didn't mean that she was a bad or stupid kid. 

Despite me calming SD down, DH eventually told SD that if she tries summer school for a few days and doesn't like it, she can just repeat the first grade again. He has this tendency to placate her even when it is not necessary or uncalled for. I am still dumbfounded by this. I would have NEVER been allowed to make a decision for myself like that, even if I were in high school! I feel that it is too much to ask of SD, and that DH needs to keep her in summer school at all costs. Since this happened, I have been doing research about retention, and even asked my mother, who is a former teacher, about the benefits of retention. She and a lot of sources basically say that it's not ideal in most cases. The issue in my mind is complicated even more because SD is starting to show early signs of puberty. She is already older than most of her classmates (late birthday). DH thinks I'm crazy, but he knows nothing about female puberty. 

I'm really worried about SD, but her dad and her grandparents aren't that concerned. I just can't help but think that a child who is emotionally and maybe cognitively behind her age combined with possible early puberty and possibly repeating a grade could be disastrous if we don't approach it right. Unfortunately this is the one topic DH and I don't see eye to eye on. He has mentioned once or twice that SD is "slow" or behind on some things, but other than that it is hard for him to admit that SD may have problems that require different considerations. I am completely out of my element here; SD and I are polar opposites. I didn't even complete puberty until my early 20s, so I have no idea what it's like to go through it that young and how to help her. This post is probably rambly, but I never get to air out my opinions and worries.

To be clear, I love SD immensely. Despite what I have stated, she is still a good kid underneath the issues and she has improved greatly in almost two years I've known her. I haven't yet told DH what I really think, because I'm aware that she's not actually mine and I worry that I come across as too much of a hardass sometimes. But I just think he is waaayyy too quick to offer distractions/bandaid solutions when SD faces difficulties, and this in my mind is the culmination of that tendency of his.