Dealbreaker?
So recently I have discovered that I am living with a liar.
As far as I was aware DH had no contact with BM as she is a consistent troublemaker & always looking for the next thing to cause a problem over. DH had even gone so far as to purchase a seperate phone so that he could call SD4 each night without BM having the luxury of his everyday phone number to call or text because she proved a relentless stalker in the past.
Just recently I discovered that DH has in fact been speaking to BM on a regular basis, late night phone calls, 3am texts- all of which he has said are innocent& only about the child (3am texts to have BM read to SD4 when she wakes up apparently)
Anyway it's been about a week or so since I found out and I have only just agreed to come home and TRY to work things out. Obviously if he chooses to have some sort of friendship with this idiot than I would be unreasonable to say otherwise as they have a child together.
Anyway, after being home for a short time I just found muscled laying in bed becoming increasingly irritated by the light on his phone, when I rolled over I noticed him sitting there looking at pictures of him and SD4. I know this will probably be construed as petty but what the fuck. I got up and came downstairs to watch tv instead of saying what I really wanted too which was- how about you fuck off and lay next to someone else at night and reminisce about this life that you are so a obviously missing.
Yep. And lying about talking
Yep. And lying about talking to your ex is a HUGE deal.
DH texted HER at 3am- well
DH texted HER at 3am- well technically SD4 (we sent her a phone so they could speak daily) but obviously a 4yr old can't text.
And the seperate phone was so BM didn't have DH everyday phone number as we had to change both of our because she became too much - well that's what I've been led to believe anyway
so true! My ex husband had a
so true! My ex husband had a former girlfriend who would just not let him go. She kept texting and calling... It was so strange, he told me she was crazy. I trusted him.
A couple years later I found out that they had been hanging out and communicating throughout our relationship.
She wasn't a crazy woman who was simply fixated on him after all....
Think about it.
Your intuition is going off and telling you that something isn't right about all of this... something is up with him. Awake in bed looking at pictures of him and his kid.... it's strange. Is he cheating with BM? Maybe, maybe not. You may now know what all of this means or is, but you know it's not right. That can be enough for now. Get some space from him while you try to figure it out (or leave him to figure it out) do you want to live like that forever???
Intuition is a divining rod
Intuition is a divining rod for women. Yes Snowdrop!! It's like the Penis is the divining rod for men. We should use it for everything including business & relationships. Every time I have gone against my intuition, it bit me in the rear. Now, if I have a gut feeling, I'm keeping it steady. Now, I'm more into checking out how people maneuver or talk around my gut feeling. I apply this to men lying, clients motives & women controlling. It's helped me to listen to it rather than second guess it.
me too, my intuition has
me too, my intuition has always been correct. At times I tried to turn off that little voice inside my head-- but it just got louder! The more I tried to dismiss it, the worse I felt. I am learning to honor and listen to it now! I'm not crazy, or paranoid or insecure or any of those other things that my ex accused me of being when I caught him. My problem is that when my intuition goes off I want to figure out why right away, sometimes I have to just notice it and wait until the situation unfolds.... I think that's what the OP needs to do right now. Take note, recognize that something isn't right and it's suspicious.. but don't get wrapped up in trying to figure it all out, in time it will be come clear...
Move back out and thing long
Move back out and thing long and hard about what you want out of this relationship. Texting ANYONE in the middle of the night would get under my skin .. but intentionally hiding and/or lying about it is a completely different issue.
Sorry honey, I think you
Sorry honey, I think you moved back in a bit too quickly. He obviously hasn't given up his old life yet and isn't quite ready to let it go.
I would seriously consider moving back out for a period of time and REALLY thinking about what your life would be like long-term with him. If you can't say that you'd be unbelievably happy, stay gone.
When I questioned the texts
When I questioned the texts he told me he does usually text in the night to her to have her mother read them to SD4 when she wakes up- mind you he couldn't say any other occassion when he had done this.
I don't know any of the other details, I try to have little to nothing to do with parenting SD4. DH moved interstate to where I live over a year ago and flies SD4 over here every 2 weeks. This is a new arrangement though and has only happened for the past few months as BM withheld visitation in the beginning because DH left her.
They are in the process of sorting custody and a settlement as BM is trying to take DHs house @ it has just come out that BM had written his credit card details down at some point and has been stealing money from him, in addition to child support.
I honestly do not believe he would go back to, or even cheat with her whih is why I am so totally confused by what's going on.
Whatever it is, it's without
Whatever it is, it's without you.
So if its not a united front, then he has to stop. No matter if he's shady or just afraid of losing skid. It's still without you & that's not right.
Wow. 3am texts are NOT ok and
Wow. 3am texts are NOT ok and I would be furious if I found out my DH was texting BM like that! How long have you and DH been together? Are they recently broken up? Just trying to figure out if maybe he is not over BM yet? Also, him looking at pics of the skid in the middle of the night is pretty creepy lol but I can definitely picture my DH doing something like that- he is OBSESSED with SD5. I hope you made it perfectly clear to your DH that what he is doing is NOT acceptable. I had some issues like this when DH and I first got together- BM would call and text constantly and at inappropriate times. I made it clear this cannot continue. It took a while but eventually, after a while of him not answering her calls/texts, she stopped with that nonsense. DH is with YOU now. The unnecessary communication with BM needs to stop. They should only be talking about the kid and only at reasonable hours of the day (unless it's an emergency, obviously).
WE've been together 1 year
WE've been together 1 year and a half, engaged in January last year and married overseas in April just gone.
They have been split for a couple of years.
I made it so clear that I packed my things and moved. After 4 constant days of calls and messages (obviously his specialty) with no response from me I agreed to meet him for a coffee so he could explain.well, that was his explanation, that's the calls and texts have only ever been about SD4 and the only reason BM had his number to begin with was because he accidentally called without turning caller ID off. He changed his phone number the day we spoke and assured me that the only contact from here on in would be when he calls Sd4 every night before her bed time.
I'm still not happy though, I feel as though he's ruined us now
Did you read the text
Did you read the text messages? Did he offer you his phone to look thru?
All deleted because he knew I
All deleted because he knew I would 'get annoyed'
I hate when wrong doers turn
I hate when wrong doers turn it around on you, and make their problems or bad behavior your issue. You don't own this.
No matter if he was being
No matter if he was being manipulated by BM or not, he lies about it so he KNOWS it is something she would get upset about.
I would never be with someone who couldn't be transparent about something like being in contact with the mother of his child.
Why are they both up at 3 am?
Why are they both up at 3 am?
You are so being had. I
You are so being had. I don't for one minute believe she "took his credit card info". He's been letting her use it. He's lying his ass off about everything.
I'm very, very sorry but you have a dickhead DH that you need to get rid of.
I don't think that's the
I don't think that's the case. He actually came to me and asked why I spent so much money in a particular store when I don't even like that brand- he drew my attention to it & we went together to the bank to stop his credit card due to fraud, he initiated an investigation and made sure the bank sent him the year worth of statements to highlight each transaction so that he can deduct every dollar in their settlement.
That part I do believe. But my mind frame is beginning to sound like yours, suspicious of every little thing now because I have caught him lying about this so - called innocent contact
Yeah, sorry that's what I
Yeah, sorry that's what I meant when I said he initiated an investigation.
He deleted all the texts
He deleted all the texts because you would find it annoying? Bullbutter. This is in no way innocent. It is intentional.
This is a clear case of a guy who is still attached to his exwife and his life with her, including SD. He is dreaming and wishing for the way it was. He can lie in bed with you, but look at pictures and yearn for the days when he was part of that family.
Is this what you want for the rest of your life? I sure as hell wouldn't. You need to make up your mind whether or not you will be a phony, fill-in wife for this coward who is caught up in his own history, or you can choose to start over and become a real wife to a man who wakes in the middle of the night and looks at YOU - his love - in the middle of the night.
Your choice.
What I don't understand then
What I don't understand then is, why doesn't he go?
I've said it to him- this life that you seem like you're so obviously missing is there waiting for you, we have no kids together, we have no financial burdon, nothing at all is tying him here & I am definitely not the type of person to beg him to stay. BM would be ecstatic to have him back so why won't he just go if that's the case?
Maybe you're better in the
Maybe you're better in the sack. Have his cake and eat it too?
Sounds like he's having an
Sounds like he's having an emotional affair-- with BM and/ or possibly just with himself. Meaning that instead of dealing with whatever feelings he's experiencing (related or unrelated to your marriage) he is engaging with BM or even just engaging in some sort of preoccupation/ fantasy about his kid, life, BM, etc who knows. It's clear that he's got some baggage to sort though. What it all means or what exactly he's done, you may not be able to figure that part of it out. But one thing that is certain is that it's not about you or how he feels about you or doesn't feel about you dear. It's clear that he loves you. It's not even about BM or SD or his feelings about either of them, it's about HIM. He's got some self work to do...
What do you need right now? Time alone? Answers? Support from friends? Focus on yourself and your needs right now, you're not going to figure him out and even if you could, that's not your job, it's his.
<3
Whatever it is is not ok with
Whatever it is is not ok with me. I'm not sure what I need- he gave me answers but I'm not happy with them.
He's been at me for a while to have a child together, it's like everytime we have this conversation or have a disagreement he turns to the fact that he has a child with someone else to make himself feel better, it's almost as though me telling him I don't want to have his baby is his reasoning for doing what he does.
Thanks everyone for the advice, I'm wishing even more so than in the beginning that I didn't come back here quite so soon.