Continuation of question about DH paying BM more than CS.
So yesterday I posted about DH paying BM more than the court ordered CS. I confronted him about it. He says he is sick of her shit also, and hates paying her the extra. But she just called him today and told him how horrible of a father he is, how her bf has stepped up more than DH, etc.
She won't do shared transportation to our house, we pick them up and drop them off at her house which is an hour away. She won't let him claim either on his taxes. (Doesn't say anything in the CO). Won't let him talk to them on anyday but the days we pick them up. So all in all just a lot of BS. We are also expected to only buy them name brand clothes, and maintain a 4 bedroom apartment. Because apparently BM is the boss of our life.
I wish I had realized how screwed up this was before we had the baby! It's gotten 100x worse since he was born. But still. I feel like I should have seen it coming.
He wants to bring her to court about all this, but he is afraid the CS amount will be increased. He has started making a little extra money, but it's because our son was premature and we have a ton of medical bills we are trying to pay off, and we obviously have a baby to provide for now! Is anyone in a similar situation? Any advice maybe? Personally I think we should take her to court, get that bullshit ^ straightened out, downsize to a 1-2 bedroom, and deal with the (maybe) raised CS. Any advice please?
I think you're right. She
I think you're right. She would likely be in contempt for not allowing him to talk to the skids and not providing at least one way transportation. even if he's making a little more, it probably won't offset the income of her household if her bf lives with them. And she absolutely has no say in what kind of apartment you have.
I've been told by people
I've been told by people since we had DS that we should try and get the CS lowered so I think that is common in my state. It doesn't make sense to me that judges who are their to make sure that the BM gets enough to pay for the kids, wouldn't make sure my son gets his share of his fathers income. I shouldn't have to be the only one that provides for my son just like she shouldn't be the only one that provides for her children.
When the state re-figured my
When the state re-figured my DH's CS for his oldest daughter once (different BM), they originally left out the fact that he paid CS on YSD. When it got corrected, it only lowered it by about $35.00 a month. I was quite surprised it was so little.
Jena, you stated you stay
Jena, you stated you stay home and DH is your family's provider, so as a SAHM you are not providing financially for your baby, let alone the only one providing...this statement above seems, well, rather out of left field. What you are actually wanting is for DH to have enough income to support his initial children and so to financially support you as his new wife and your baby. While I'm not saying your Dh should be giving BM extra money, I am saying that perhaps you'll need to also employ so that you too can contribute to the financial needs of your baby and family. As you say BM should indeed be providing partial support for her children, so to should not be DH being the sole provider for your child.
Moving on...you haven't made it clear as to how suddenly BM got all this power or as to why there was a change in custody two years ago. Your DH went from having custody to having one night a week visitation. That's a major change. You also say there were no expectations on BM to pay CS and/or provide any finances while DH had custody. It sounds like your Dh has always been the sole provider until recently when BM took custody and she is now paying 50% of the extras (activities, camps, scouting whatever).
With nothing in the CO stating HD must do anything expect weekly CS and health insurance, every extra dime he gives her is by his choice without any legal grounds for necessity. Why would DH sign off on such an open generic CS/CO plan as to leave anything and everything totally wide open? No details on anything whatsoever except weekly CS amount? I've known of some loosely written COs but never of one that is so lacking that everything but the CS amount was excluded. This really sounds like nothing more than the established CS amount and no actual CO parenting plan agreement in place at all. Are there additional agreements/conditions laid out in the divorce degree, because things just aren't adding up here.
All these 'demands' of BM I'm reading suddenly turn by continued reading into issues your Dh self creates (the clothing, the bedroom sleeping, the non-mutual questioning of extra activities). There all are sole decisions DH is making on his own. BM could scream he's a lousy parent and poor provider until the cows come home, but she has no legal grounds to make him fork it over. He's choosing to. I'm not 'buying' because he fears the kids won't 'like' him either...IMO they'd question going from Dad having custody to 4 nights a month much more quickly than if Dad buys them name brand clothing or pays for a cellphone. One night a week (by the way the night went from Saturday night to sleeping over on Sunday between the two postings), is not the typical visitation orders. usually it's something like EOWd from like Friday until Sunday and sometimes a mid-week evening dinner scenario. Why would a father who had custody suddenly go to agreeing to one overnight a week, willingly agree to paying through the nose, and totally leave empty details on a CO. I'm just not getting your DH is quite the 'victim' you're portraying him to be trapped against a demanding BM.
These twins are 13yrs old. They didn't go from sweet little darlings to Mama's greedy pawns overnight.
I'm sorry maybe I've been
I'm sorry maybe I've been unclear about something's. Sometimes I forget not everyone knows the whole back story!
I do stay at home right now. I have my own money and unemployment. We both wanted me to stay home with DS at first so I have money saved up for him and I. I pay my half of his expenses. When that runs out I will be going back to work.
The change two years ago was because he started a new job. He leaves at 7am gets home at 9pm, they both mutually agreed that the twins should live with mom instead of constantly being with a babysitter. The CO says Thursday 8-8 and Sunday 8-8. (His days off, and I know that's not the typical EOW, he thought that was too little time) She talked with him and thought it would be best if they slept in their bed at her house and left on the bus every morning before school. DH and I thought that that was reasonable. He was having to drop them off at school early and the kids didn't like that. We now have them 4-7 Thursday and 7pm Saturday to 7pm Sunday. Unless they have vacation. Then she is usually very good at offering us extra time which we are very thankful for.
When he had them she always said I can't pay, I can't pay. And as you can tell from all my posts he's a big softy and told her that was fine as long as she visited the kids.
There paperwork is very vague and open, you are right. That's why it needs to be reviewed. It literally only says how much and what time he has with them. I don't know why it's so wide open.
I know that he is a big pansy with her. Trust me. I actually think this past weekend we made a little breakthrough. I never meant to make him the 'victim'. I wanted advice on how to deal with him actually. If I made it seem that way it was unintentional. She is demanding. And double-dipping. He does allow her to though and that is his fault. He has hooooorrible guilty daddy syndrome. And she plays him like a fiddle. After we signed the lease on the car, she said she needed more money. When DH said no she told the kids the car was more important to him than they were. He gives her more money. When we had DS she said she needed more money. He says no we are paying medical bills. She says daddy only cares about his new family. He gives her more. We buy them new school clothes. She calls and says her kids will not be wearing old navy clothes to school and that we can just keep those clothes at our house. He buys different clothes. He is a big push over. And he is trying to buy their love with brand name clothes and cell phones and electronics. Trust me. It disgusts me. It wasn't like this at first at all. They had just switched custody when we got together and it was nothing like this. In the past three years (I was wrong in saying 2 I'm sorry, time has been flying since DS was born) SKids have completely lost respect for DH and just spout what there mom tells them. That DH is a deadbeat, doesn't want them, only wants our son, doesn't buy them good enough presents/clothes (even though they both have tablets, iPods, phones, etc). He feels like they don't love him anymore so he tries to win them over with gifts and by giving their mom extra money. It is wrong I know. I hate hate hate it. But he regrets letting them go with BM and that's how he compensates and she knows exactly how to play him.
I was looking for advice on how to deal with him. Not to say their BM is the devil. I was pissed at her during the last two posts so they might sound like that's what I was doing. She had had another rant about how DH is a dillhole, doesn't care about the kids, her BF is a better dad than he is, etc.
Yes he probably could get it
Yes he probably could get it lowered, because of your child. Our bm thought she was so smart, took us back to court when our son was like 6 mths old. For some odd reason she thought we had more money, but it backfired because since we had a child it counted against his income. She was pissed, and after that harassed us until we had a legal letter sent to her, and I almost had to call her employer.
Your dh is just trying to put you off, because he doesn't want to deal with it. You both need to distance yourself from this woman, she should not know your finances, and be careful around his kids in what you talk about. They do not need to be telling her about car leases ect. I think that is a big problem, you've allowed her to continue to be in your lives. Another thing, you are renting...not putting away for your own home, and this guy is giving her extra money instead of saving money for a home. Sorry but I see all kinds of problems with his behavior. You need to stop it now because when you go back to work, he's going to think you have lots of money..in which he can give to bm. Believe me in 5 years he will be buying cars for them, paying for college if you don't stop it now. She will get on that bandwagon, so I'm afraid now is time for you to give him a ultimatum in no uncertain terms. She only gets child support, and after 18..that is it. His kids can get jobs and loans like everyone else.
The bedroom thing he blames
The bedroom thing he blames on her. But I think it might be him that thinks that. They are of opposite gender, and having them in the same room is kind of weird, but they sleep her on Sundays. I feel like a bitch for saying it but they would be fine with bunk beds. One just leaves the room when the other is changing. Simple as that.
We have made great progress in him 'allowing' her into our lives. A lot of progress. It's just this money thing that keeps creeping up. His twins do tons of activities. Fancy summer camp they go to. They are only allowed to wear brand name clothes. Etc. It's so ridiculous.
The thing that gets me is when people say that his CS doesn't deserved to be lowered because of another child. The amount of money he has extra goes to the twins, just like if they were married. If they had a 3rd child they would split it between three, just like he should split between three now. My kids wearing walmart clothes while hers are running around in designer stuff. Not cool at all.
They are ONLY allowed to wear
They are ONLY allowed to wear brand name clothing? Oh hell no. They can were whatever is affordable. Your child shouldn't be treated like a second class citizen in your own home! Your husband needs to realize this. Children shouldn't be wearing brand name clothing anyway. They grow out of it to fast.
Right now, I would take
Right now, I would take control of the things you can control and take her to court later for the things you can't, if you think it would be worth it. If there is nothing in the CO about phone calls, transportation, or taxes, fine, there is also nothing in the CO about paying for extras, brand name clothes, or what kind of apartment you have to live in. You guys can't force the phone calls but neither can she force the other stuff.
So, move into a smaller apartment and stop paying for ANY extras. Women like her will find something to badmouth the bio dad about so the money and the things don't matter. He could give them the moon and she would tell them some other reason he is a bad dad. Trust me, I know.
If I remember correctly, they are old enough to understand about child support and that he pays it. My husband and I had no problem letting my SD know that we were broke. Even now that she is grown, we don't let her think we have a lot of money. Their relationship shouldn't be about the money and the things, anyway. They will feel his love for them
Stop letting her run your life.
Knowledge is power. I swear, I had my state's CS and custody laws memorized. I knew exactly what she could and couldn't do legally, and exactly how much of his paycheck she could get for CS. Bitch didn't scare me one bit.
This is the best advice.
This is the best advice. Thank you. It doesn't say in the CO about any of those things. But we don't have to do extras in our part. Unless she wants to cooperate we shouldn't go over and above.
This is the best advice.
This is the best advice. Thank you. It doesn't say in the CO about any of those things. But we don't have to do extras in our part. Unless she wants to cooperate we shouldn't go over and above.
I agree with you. A slight
I agree with you. A slight increase in income and child support can be easily off-set by a smaller apartment. My kids slept in sleeping bags on the floor or couch and we never maintained rooms for them.
Get a court order that required shared driving, sets forth the child support, and what, if any extra activity expenses will be SHARED. Tell your other to not listed to that BS about her boyfriend standing up more than he is. That is clearly an attempt to make him feel guilty and extract more money from him.
Get a court order and stick to it to the minute and the penny. Ask no favors or changes and grant none. As long as he keeps coughing up money the demands will escalate eternally. Time to be a man to both families because all his children are watching him being strutted around like a puppet on a string.
I've tried bringing it up
I've tried bringing it up before and he always says no. But do you think it's inappropriate to put the twins in the same bedroom? They are boy/girl so we would probably give them the bigger bedroom and put a curtain in the middle. I don't think that's unreasonable.?
We keep the baby in our room, will for a while longer. He's only 8 months.
They stayed in the same bedroom when they were living with BM's in laws. That was never an issue because she did it. They stay with us Saturday nights.
they're only with you one
they're only with you one night a week - give the baby the 2nd bedroom and put them in sleeping bags on the living room floor or on the couch or in the babys room.
If they don't want to share a
If they don't want to share a bedroom, then one of them sleeps on the floor or an air mattress somewhere else.
For the first few years my DH and I were together, before we bought our house, we had a one bedroom apt. and my SD slept on the couch in the living room. She has not been scarred from it.
First thing, I think you
First thing, I think you should re-write this post changing all the times 'let' appears to 'choose'.
There are a lot of assumptions you (or at least your DH) makes in dealing with BM and the skids. It's time to identify them and decide if they can stay.
Before puberty both sexes can
Before puberty both sexes can share. Theoretically when one child meets puberty s/he should have a same sex room. I.e. only girls in a girls room etc. That's assuming you can afford separate rooms. But there is no law about it and splitting the room with a curtain has been done millions of times. Also as suggested above one of them can sleep elsewhere. Usually the male gets stuck with the living room couch but I've never seen a girl melt on one.
UPDATE: We hashed a lot if
UPDATE:
We hashed a lot if this out. Apparently he expects that his CS will double if they go back to court. And with us maintaining a 4 bedroom and having a car payment (his '93 Buick shit the bed last year, and my car doesn't drive in winter, so we really needed it.) we couldnt live like that. That's why he gives into her every whim. Which was very telling on his part. I understand we couldn't afford the apartment and such, but if his CS would be doubled that's not very fair to the kids. I told him I think that we should go back to court, get those things I mentioned hashed out so they don't have to fight or even speak much anymore, then get a small 1 or 2 bedroom apartment. There would be a lot less stress. And we could probably get by.
He was the one that wanted the twins to have a bedroom, he didn't want them to not feel welcome. But I told him we can't go broke providing them with a bedroom at two different houses. My son deserves things too. He did make a good point saying that they will be 18 in 5 years and he won't have to pay CS anymore than DS will have more available funds. Which is fine, he's provided for and happy and that's all that matters to me. Extras aren't important. (I was very spoiled and it's hard for me not being able to spoil him also)
The only thing stopping us from court is having to pay a lawyer (and he still scared to have to pay that much to her). So that's where we are at. Can you go to a modification without a lawyer? Or is that a bad idea? She'll definitely have one. And we don't want to be screwed over. But we cannot afford one. We are still working on those medical bills.
He did make a good point
He did make a good point saying that they will be 18 in 5 years and he won't have to pay CS anymore than DS will have more available funds
I don't think that's a good point at all, he's just putting you off.
Have you looked up your state CS calculator online to get an idea of what CS would be now? I would research that for sure.
I would also move into a smaller apartment. A one bedroom is too small but a 2 bedroom might work, a 3 bedroom would be better and still cheaper, I'm sure, than a 4 bedroom. Sometimes you can rent a house and get a better deal than an apartment. I would look into that.
If he's that afraid of her, he can scale back the extras (including the brand name clothing) a little at a time but he needs to face this. Don't believe for a minute it will necessarily end in 5 years. That just makes me laugh, please don't fall for that.
What state are you in? In the
What state are you in? In the state that I am in, you do not need a lawyer. When my boyfriend went to court for custody and CS, he went solo. She had a lawyer. We ended up winning everything we asked for. As for the CS order, we thought he was going to have to pay ten times more then he was originally paying. Turns out he ended up paying almost 200 less a month then he was paying before going to court. Does the BM work? You said you also had medical expenses from when your son was born? They will consider all of this.
If you don't want to always
If you don't want to always be at BM's mercy then take her toxic ass to court. First, stop paying a single penny above the CS/court ordered items. Not a penny, ever, regardless of reason. Let BM have her ass bared to her children.
As for the possibility of your DH's CS obligation going up, how long ago was the last modification? Most states have either a 2 year or 3 year modification moratorium except in a significant change of circumstance. Depending on how aged your CS order is you may be at little risk of a CS increase.
To get an idea of what CS may do visit your state's online CS calculator and enter a variety of scenarios to include your DH's income, an estimated income for BM and any information the calculator asks for regarding joint and non joint children, house payments, etc.... That way you will not go in to court blind on the likely CS outcome. Though, with the preponderance of bottom 10%ers of the legal profession that end up on the family law bench there is always risk in taking blended family issues to court.
For sure you should push for each party providing transportation of the Skids to their location. You and your DH should not be providing 100% of the visitation related transportation. Our CO stipulated clearly that each party is responsible for transporting the Skid to their location. So, the Sperm Clan would pay the airfare to get him to Sperm Land and we would pay the airfare to get him home.
Good luck.
Yeah - sounds like BM has
Yeah - sounds like BM has your DH by the balls. Excuse the expression. But part of it is because he's allowing this. She might threaten - but I agree with everyone else - forget the threats - get the facts. Find out exactly what she can or cannot, legally do - then make a decision - a concrete, informed decision, about how you can save the most money. This is your life. There is no reason this woman should have this much power over your life. Name brand clothes? Is that written into the CO? Then forget that sh*t. And I wouldn't buy the "after they're 18 I'm free" speech - I don't think it ever really ends. My DH is required to care for SD until she's 23! Find out what is written in the CO - exactly. Just get your facts - regain your power.
ahhh, we deal withmany of the
ahhh, we deal withmany of the same things. Except my DH ex is unemployed and is living off us and the system. I am torn when it comes to going to court. On one hand you should especially since you hava baby, but on the other hand you may get screwed like we did. They actually ruled we have to do all the driving(1 hour there and back) until she gets a job.....ummm she's not going to get one HELLO...that just mad her even more unmotivated. In addition beacsue she's not working the child support went up. its a mess. she was found in contempt of 2 things in the CO but overall we seem to lose money going and paying a lawyer and she gets to do whatever she wants. Good Luck.
When he says CS would double,
When he says CS would double, does he mean double his current CS? Because it sounds like double current CS would still be less than current CS plus all the extras he's been handing out like candy.