Contact btwn BM and FDH's parents?
My FDH has 3 children - D22, D18 and S16. His XW is beyond horrific to me, and has been for the past few years we have been together. She blames me for their divorce (?!?), attacks me personally, our relationship and relentlessly harps on their past. We are getting married next year. Oh boy, this has really set her off. She goes on and on that the kids hate me, his parents hate me, that I don't fit into his family, etc. This woman had an affair with a 22 year old after being married for 18 years, and **I** don't fit in?!?
Anyway, my questions is, given his kids ages, how much contact between the BM and his parents (specifically his Mother) is appropriate? It seems that if his parents need information about their grandchildren, they can go to their son or directly to the kids. But, the BM still calls them to discuss her life, how overwhelmed she is, how unfair life is, blah, blah, blah. I feel like this type of contact is more like she still their DIL vs the mother of their grandchildren and only cements her emotional attachment to my FDH and their marriage.
I feel like such contact violates our boundaries and only alienates me for ever fitting into his family.
Thoughts?
oh i know that exact feeling,
oh i know that exact feeling, the crazy BM tries anything and everything to have something to do with my FDH and his family. last christmas she came to dinner/gift exchange and i had to look at her face all.day.long. she thinks if she keeps showing up to these family get togethers that she will push me out the picture (not a chance in h*ll will i ever let that happen!!!!) just a few weeks ago, (i was told) she invited herself to my FMILS sisters house because it was FMIL's birthday and her sister made her dinner..if you ask me, i think she was invited by my FMIL because she is very two-faced and still keeps in touch with her (go gets nails done together, goes shopping etc). she is divorced from my fdh and needs to go find something to do with her own family instead of her ex's is how i see it. what bothers me the most is she never get her kids on her days but still manages to have something to do with his family.
MM, I seriously think that there shouldnt be hardly any contact between them at all, your Sks are pretty much grown up. just like you said if GP's want to know anything they need to ask their son, not the ex wife. she is an ex for a reason and needs to be treated that way.
MM I feel your pain. My
MM I feel your pain. My husband's family really had a hard time with letting go of BM. Dh 's family wanted to invite her to xmas dinner the first year we were dating & told DH that I was not invited. I told Dh to let them know as far as I was concerened I had a family & I was going there and not to worry where I would or would not be. He made it clear that he wasnot coming if they invited her, he got divorced from her because he didn't get along with her, WHY would he want to spend a holiday with her???
I personally think it is selfish on the part of family to not support their own child, brother or sister when they get divorced and not realize that no one wants to spend time with their ex. Yes you can;t control other adults ( really that is too bad because some need it ) but if my son ever got divorced it would be him that I would support & his feelings that would matter notthe person her divorced.
I joined her 5 years ago because of these issues. The first several years were really hard, DH still has one brother & SIL who is all up BM's butt, invites her to things, not us is FB friends with her & her BF & not us. My MIL & FIL never question or say anything about why we are excluded. Now I have a good relationship with everyone else in DH's family, I have spent countless hours helping get my in laws house ready to sell, far more than either of my much love SILs ever have.Lots of hard labor & I have tons of projects that need to be done at home & have a very bad back besides. I am a better DIL than BM or the other two have ever been this way. I worked very hard to have the relationship that I have ( which is sad because I am a nice person, good to my DH & skids & that really should have been enough ).
I would never dream of asking
I would never dream of asking my FMIL to discontinue contact w/ the BM, or even ask my FDH to mention it to her. I guess I was just venting. I wouldn't even be bothered by it if she would just get off my back. From what I understand, she even rants to my FMIL about me/our relationship, which just seems bold. I guess I worry that such a friendly relationship w/ his family will justify (in her mind) the ranting and raving. Trying to establish a relationship w/ the kids and his family (in the shadow of their 20 year relationship w/ this woman) is beyond daunting.
I agree that you can’t
I agree that you can’t prevent people from having contact with other adults. However, the type of contact BM is having with ex MIL is manipulative and her promoting her victim mentality makes it nigh on impossible for you to fit into the family because someone is already occupying that spot.
The only reason the kids hate you, and DH’s family hates you is because BM has made sure of that either covertly or overtly and those people lap it up because they have their own issues regarding divorce, etc. They are not motivated to look at their personal prejudice so they will try to pin their not “liking you” on you as something that you have brought on yourself. It is textbook social aggression.
There is not one single reason why FDH’s mother can’t receive information regarding his children from either him or the adult kids without BM sticking herself in the middle. BM promotes her role as central and it isn’t. As (GU Complex) Dr. Tara Palmatier wrote, “the fact that your FDH once had a relationship with her and they share children does not bind them together for life. Just because BM wants it be the truth does not make it the truth.” He has fulfilled his duty by his children and they are as much his children as hers.
He doesn’t insert himself in her family and she should be equally gracious, but she isn’t. Now will BM and MIL suddenly become reasonable and respect your FDH’s boundaries? Likely not. “Your goal, as with all high-conflict types, should be containment.”
My FDH has explained the
My FDH has explained the continued contact as because " she is their grandchildren's mother". OK, but the majority of their contact is not related to the kids at all. She still seems to be regarded as the DIL. And w/ regard to the kids, my relationship w/ them is OK. Some visits are more warm and fuzzy than others. It's been difficult to establish any real bond w/ them due to limited visitation - EOWE - And they are all much more concerned with spending time with friends than us. The S16 is the only one we have with any regularity. And they are very close to BM, especially D18. She is the one who is more hot and cold with me vs the other two. I am disappointed we are all not more close, and her comments about the kids feeds that insecurity and makes me doubt the relationship I do have with the kids. Between the wedding, BM outbursts and worrying if the kids / parents "like" me, I am feeling overwhelmed and a bit discouraged.