Long, but important subject matter:

The lack of responsibility among our kids and young adults today is reaching epidemic proportions and has catastrophic societal and financial implications.

It seems that for many parents, making kids happy is more important than teaching them responsibility. As a result, kids generally are growing up less prepared to take care of themselves than ever before.

In a study of 30 randomly chosen middle-class American families, anthropologist Elinor Ochs and her colleagues at UCLA discovered that in 22 of those families, children aged 6 and over either refused, argued, or did not know how to help with common household tasks. In the other eight families, children simply were not asked to contribute much.

With kids of any age, the answer to this problem is simple, though it requires work on the part of parents to commit to change: Stop doing stuff for your kids that they can do for themselves! Teach them the skills needed for life.

Unfortunately, even parents who agree with this often have spoiled kids.

They clean for kids who are capable of cleaning. They either don’t make or don’t enforce rules. They forego items they need in order entertain their child. Rather than expect the child will not ask for toys or treats on every outing, they feel inadequate when telling the child “no.” They have no expectation that kids will be responsible and accountable for their own actions or inactions. There is no structure, no opportunity to fail, no commitment to perform tasks they don’t enjoy. Even meals and bedtimes, for which every child has objected through recorded history, has become an hours-long negotiation each day.

There is no chance to learn the skills needed to be successful adults – all in the name of caring for their kids. But perhaps this isn’t a very caring thing to do.

When we coddle our kids, we keep them from learning to be responsible for themselves. When we clean their rooms for them or allow them to remain messy, we teach them that they are not responsible for their own messes. When we fix their homework for them or allow truancy, we teach them that we, not they, are responsible for their grades. When we hand them the world on a silver platter, we teach them that they are here to be served rather than be responsible, accomplished adults.

These messages are counter to the very purpose of parenting.

This must stop!

The older kids are, the more likely they will be to resist a change to accountability. After all, kids often prefer to let others take responsibility for their lives. As you put in the work to help your children learn new habits of responsibility, it will help greatly if you gracefully do the following:
• Let your kids know you believe they are capable!
• Explain that by doing the things they can do for themselves, you’ve robbed them of the opportunity to learn responsibility.
• Tell them that you are going to change your ways.
• Ask for their ideas about how you can accomplish that goal.
• Take charge of working with them to make a plan for transferring more responsibility back to them.
• Follow through—even if it’s hard!