You need to disengage. Read some of the disengaging posts and the essay. She will always favor the SS and you will be undermined. In order to not always be the bad guy, you have to disengage and let her raise her kids. It is the only way to find peace in the marriage and household.

You described my situation with my DH and SS7. I get along fine with SD12 - she is your normal annoying kid but basically a good kid. I am raising my own two bios without any major issues as well - they are respectful and good kids. But SS7 - he is favored by BM and DH fully because he is bad. He acts out, he is mean, he does what he wants, he can never be unincluded - like your example - he will fight through dinner, everyone will eat their dinner without complaint and yet - even though everyone was told no dessert unless you finish dinner - SS7 comes out on top - can't single him out - EVER. and that is the problem...

The rules don't apply. In the dinner example, DH may punish, yes but he would punish everyone for SS7 not eating his dinner and give noone dessert - instead of just sticking to it and making just SS7 miss out.

Its like that with everything - your grade example, here the kids do chores for cash - no chores, no cash - so SS7 chooses not to do anything, but when we get to the store and all the other 3 kids want to spend some of their hard earned cash - SS7 is pissed off and gets something anyway out of DH's pocket.

They seem like little things - but they (BM&DH) have fed a monster - they now have a manipulative, entitled brat and nobody can say boo or you the bad guy.

I agree with about - learn about disengagement, this is what I did and my life is simplier.

"I guess I don't know who to be mad at... My wife for being so damn blind about her sons horrible behavior or him for manipulating his mom to undermine me."

You need to be mad at your wife. Your SS is the way he is BECAUSE of your wife.

I dated a man for two years that had a son age 7. He too, would take out ALL of his toys and never pick them up. Here's an idea, how about take out only one set of toys and put them away before you take something else out to play? The son learned that daddy would never follow through with his threats. He'd say go to your room, and son would make a big pouty face and go NOOOOOOOOO! in a big, whinny voice and then dad would say, well, then don't do it again. Five minutes later son would do the same thing again, dad would say "go to your room" son would say NOOOOOOOO! all over again. I once watched this happen TWENTY times.

I wound up breaking up with that man. You need to have a serious talk with your wife and hopefully counseling will help.

You're not the father - you're never going to be the father - you'll get no credit if the kid turns out great but will share in the blame if he doesn't. There is hope however for you to return to a sane existence.

Print this out. Read it and give it to your wife so she knows what's going to happen:

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

I agree with the others that said to disengage.

Basically don't do anything for your SS. Do not pick up after him do not take him anywhere, just act like he doesn't exist. If he needs or wants anything let his mother take care of it.

If he talks to you I would not be rude or pick on him I would just try to keep any interaction with him to a minimum.

If he acted out, ignore it, go in the other room or outside, go for a walk or a drive with your daughter and leave her there to deal with her bratty son.

If you are around and he acts up then walk out. If you are at the store or a restaurant and he acts up excuse yourself go to the car and wait for them. Let your darling wife know that you are embarrassed by her sons behaviour.

Don't give your wife a reason to reprimind you in front of the children because you are not going to do anything for her son especially not discipline him.

And most of all if she does not discipline her own son and she continues to reward his bad behaviour. And she belittles you whether it is in front of the children or not DO NOT reward HER bad behavior by whispering sweet nothings at night.

Roll over and call it a night. Give her the cold shoulder every time it happens because you are so stressed over all of the tension in the household you are just not in the mood!!! This may not work for all women but it will definitely give her something to think about at night.

I absolutely do not believe you are in a "disengage" situation. If this has been going on for years I have to ask...did you not know that your wife was a spineless mother? How dare she insult you and disrespect you in YOUR HOME! And what kind of mother would tell her bio's that you don't love them (even if that's true)? It sounds like the two adults in the household need to discuss house rules and agree to all terms and conditions and then explain those things to the children so everyone is on the same page!!!

I don't know how you can tolerate being disrespected by a braty child and on top if that not having your wife's support!

Also it's very strange that she'd be jealous of a two year old getting kisses from you at the end of the day, perhaps your wife should see a councilor?

And I grew up in a home were good things happened when children behaved accordingly. Many times I'd be rewarded for grades and my brother didnt! But that's life...what is your wife teaching him? That good things will happen to you even if you are a naughty child?! She is failing that child. Grades are an appropriate thing to reward kids in because they receive report cards multiple times a year I absolutely think watching his sister be rewarded for excellent grades could have positively motivated him to improve his as well.

It sounds like you are a very understanding and reasonable guy but it sounds like its time for you to not be so nice!!! And you shouldn't feel bad about it, they have it coming!!! Best of luck to you!

Edmond, you have every right to feel what you feel. No one can tell us how we are allowed to feel--we just feel what we feel, you know? We all have emotions that can't necessarily come across when we are writing because that'd be a book, not a forum post. Lol So I take these things with a grain of salt knowing that just like me, there's frustration when we are posting. Feel how you feel. How we act on them is all that matters and in my little opinion, it sounds like you've responded with some frustration but definitely not in any damaging way.

There's obviously good things in a marriage or else we'd all bail much quicker. I was okay enough with my DH when we first married that I considered a child with him too but in time as things unfolded and changed, I opted not to. So I can totally understand that your marriage was in a different place when you conceived your daughter with your wife; surely you didn't say "She's crappy, but I love her so lets procreate!" Lol For one, SS7 was younger and sometimes the results of bad or permissive parenting don't unfold UNTIL they are around 6 or 7. Many posts here talk about the kids in that age because toddlers and younger are still too young to for sure know what kind of child is growing up. My stepson is 8 & when he was 4-5, he was okay. Around 6, he became a headache! Lol (Not as bad as yours but bad enough, impounded by the fact that he's not even my DH's actual kid, lol).

When I first came here in June, I was ready to leave my marriage. It was so stressful, so dark and I just wanted to be away from it all. But first thing people kept telling me was about Disengaging. For some reason we think when we're in love, we have to help with these kids in the exact way the Bio Parent wants us to which often means getting run over, taken advantage of and disrespected -whether intentional or not. We (StepParents) get painted into these little boxes of what we are supposed to do (run errands, pay bills, babysit, mediate arguments, etc) and we try but it clearly doesn't work b/c we can't ever determine what the KID will do and how the parent will react. Even when not in anyone's best interest, a Parent can become overprotective of the kid and protect them from even the lessons they need to learn for when they leave the house. Because if they miss those lessons in the key times of childhood, all they are going to do is become adult versions of the same thing--messy, spoiled, entitled, lazy.

It goes against nature to want to disengage when we see that kind of stuff going on because we want to help. But here's whats in your favor- by nature they ain't our brats so we can freely disengage without guilt! Lol If they grow up and never 'grow up', it won't be our fault! The beauty of disengaging is that you can't be blamed for whatever they do wrong or right! They lose all power when we are minimal with them, minimal with our spouse in what they do with them, etc. Don't worry about what disengaging will do for your Biodaughter. The dynamic with your BD2 will be different because that IS your child and your wife won't be as Anti-You with her as she is with her own kids. She inherently feel you have no rights to them or to tell them anything that she doesn't approve of, no matter what she says. But with your own, you do have that right and can be an influence there that she can't really stop as your child has a natural bond with you that her two don't.

Here's what disengaging can do for you: Remove the Battle between you and your Wife, first of all. It reduces the power Skids have to manipulate or put you against each other, reduces your friction with them. When Ss7 leaves his toys out for example, bite your tongue. Let the mess sit there. It'll irk you but let it sit there until his Mom is sick of it. Don't reward nor punish him. Don't make suggestions to your wife about what to do with him. Don't help her with him with school work or anything unless you want to. Don't babysit him unless you want to. Play with him when you feel like it.

I didn't totally disengage from SS8 but I do a whole lot less and only what I want to do. I stopped biting my tongue when I saw BM running over DH but I didn't argue either (we had 2 big rows at first). I just stopped letting him pass her running him over to him running me over. I no longer get taken advantage of b/c I don't allow it. In 3 short months it's turning my marriage around. It doesn't even feel like work anymore -disengage. Listen to these people (most of them) and you'll find some peace in your life. It won't work perfectly but it'll work much better than it is now. Good luck to you sir!

You are not crazy. My H undermines me too in front of his kids and they know it. No one in this house respects me at all. I have disengaged AND have fallen out of love with my H and I strongly dislike my step-shits.

Disengage my friend.

Stepmonster (the bok) on disengaging

DISENGAGING
To disengage--to simply try less or stop trying at all--requires accepting a number of truths about being married to a man with children.

*They are not your children.
*You are not responsible for overcoming their upbringing or any emotional or social problems they have.
* You are not responsible for what kind of people they are. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
*These responsibilities belong to your husband, who will likely not raise his kids (or make interventions with his adult kids) the way you would.

Having accepted this reality, you then make a promise to yourself: I will never give them the opportunity to treat me disrespectfully again.

What utter bullshit! You are not disrespecting your wife! You are not terrorising the family!! You DO have every right to think, feel & do what you do! FFS!

It is not being cruel leaving him out of things. The child knows full well what consequences there are to his bad actions, if that means missing out on going for icecream because he has done the wrong thing then so be it. That's not cruel. If he doesn't get good grades then he DOES NOT deserve the same reward as those that did get the good grades. That's not cruel, that's FAIR! How do you think the kids that try really hard to get the good grades feel when SS gets the same as them? It's not setting a good example at all.

Mistreating the child & deliberately making him sad? Wtf? There are rules set & if he doesn't follow the rules then he gets what he is told will happen. Mistreating??? Deliberately making him sad?? No! Just setting rules. Mistreating is COMPLETELY different.

Gosh I'm totally shocked.

I would like to add to my comment earlier about withholding affection from your wife. I am NOT suggesting that you withhold sex or affection for long periods of time. But I am suggesting that just like you would not reward a childs bad behaviour with ice cream after dinner if they were a terror during dinner do not reward your wifes bad behaviour.

Your wife obviously does not understand the concept of not rewarding bad behaviour.

If that woman is demeaning and undermining you (in front of the children or not) I would not reward her with affection when she came to bed that night!!!

Women LOVE affection of all types. They crave it and usually it is a sure fire way to get a woman's attention.

If you disengage then when she does show you respect and honor in front of the children "rock her world" that night, buy her flowers and she will get the point!