Advice- possible future stepmom
I am in my early twenties, college grad with plans to go to med school- OK with a settled life. I am dating a really great guy with a 5 year old son- an accident from a previous, short-term relationship. He and the mother were never married, but he has really stepped up to the plate with the child- he is a really good guy. I just find this all really stressful and it is not like I have any friends in similar situations. I have a lot of experience with kids (far more than most my age) and I am comfortable with all children including his son. I just can't let go of a few issues. 1) kids mom wants to be in with my boyfriends family like she is a daughter in law, 2) I find it really difficult to respect her. she is nice to me, but I really don't agree with how she is raising her son- lazy parenting, he is her PET. My bf agrees with me 100%, but doesn't voice it anymore, he stays really civil, doesn't even like to talk bad about her, even though he too finds very few admirable qualities. The main thing is- I have always wanted to have children more than anything else, but I want my own family- I don't want to share. Things could turn out great, but after a year it is still stressful. Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!
You are young. I would keep
You are young. I would keep looking. Dont settle if you want your own family. Sorry.. I have a feeling I might get reamed for that last comment.
Let's see... First thing
Let's see...
First thing I'll say...don't marry this guy if you aren't 110% committed to being his wife, and being the stepmom of his son. Unless you are 1000% sure he is the right choice for you, get out while the getting is good. These issues are incredibly stressful, and as much as I love my husband, I have had many a moment where I have wondered if I would really married him if I could have peeked into the future. I'm not trying to discourage you from marrying the love of your life, but make sure that he is, before you get yourself into this.
Second. I know you don't mean it like it sounded, but try not to refer to your possible future ss as "an accident." Children are not accidents, imo. They may be surprises, but they are not accidents.
Third, the issues you raise with the bio mom are ones that are an extremely common theme in the life of a stepmom. Most of us have had to deal with bm's who like to stick their noses in our business, have poor/different parenting skills, and who are too cozy with the ex in laws. That's part of this. If you don't want to have that be a part of your life forever to some extent, then don't continue with the relationship. That being said, boundaries can be drawn. Just know that you will have less control over that than you will like.
Your comments about not wanting to share are interesting. You can have your own family without having to "share." What are you worried about sharing? Are you worried that your bf will have to share his affection with your children with his son? Parents don't divide their love for their children, giving each an equal share. Parents love each of their children 100%.
I learned the hard way that bad-mouthing the bm a lot to my husband got me into trouble. Even if he agreed with me totally, it grated on his nerves. He always said that he didn't want her to be a big part of our lives, but since I was always talking about her, it was like she was always in our conversations and our lives. It took me awhile to realize that he was right. Him being less inclined to badmouth her could be a signal that he has totally moved on and doesn't want her to be a day to day part of his life.
Be glad that your bf can be civil and keep the drama to a minimum. The drama between the ex and your bf can be incredibly overwhelming. The less drama, the better. So if he lets things slide to keep the peace here and there, so be it.
Try your best to respect this woman. We all have our own ways of parenting. You and your bf have little ability to affect how she parents. Just focus on how you parent individually and as a team, and do your best at all times. You are lucky that this woman is nice to you and that you can get along. That is a big advantage you have that many women on this forum would like to have.
Good luck!
What I have learned
I love my SK's and I have taken on a friend role instead of a parent one. Has this worked in my favor? Absolutley not. If I could change one thing I would go back in time and take control of the situation in a mothering role. That is a regret I have, but like you I was young 23 years old when I met my husband who is 10 years older than me. I wasn't ready for in anyway for the stress and responsibility that would come with two kids. But her I am seven years later-still in the marriage. I love my husband dearly, and care a great deal about his children. But I was never meant to be a mother-I know that about myself and that is something some women just don't want. It took me a long time to be okay with that. So I guess to sum it up-everyones situation is different and everyone will do diffrent things to make sure they can be with the person they love. There is only one word that I associate the most with the word Stepmom-sacrifice. I guess the question is what are you willing to sacrifice to be with him?
Thanks for the advice. It
Thanks for the advice. It is really nice to hear from people about this. First of all, I agree, his son was a surprise and not an accident. He has yet to ask about how he came about...these questions will be coming very soon as he enters school. I think that I could easily accept a child in my life (I have already accepted a few- I am a nanny and I love those kids dearly), but what may be a challenge is that the household potential ss will be in with me and his father will be much more disciplined than his mother's. I am incredibly patient, but because I have worked with kids so much, I can discipline if need be (won't run into the friend role problem!). It seems like, and you guys would know more than me, that this beginning stage has a set of difficulties that will grow easier with time. His family will accept me and make me as much a part of their family as they did to her- in fact they already have and I hate to make the comparison, but I think I have more in common with them than her. His son will be used to me from an early age, and yes I will accept the obvious fact that bf is not interested in ex. I often tell myself that I am young and shouldn't "settle", I have a lot in front of me, but when you love someone and genuinely share a mutual respect that logic goes out the window. The sharing thing...I don't want to share him with his ex...this concern will go away once she has her own bf or is at least actively dating.
In my situation things
In my situation things gradually improved, especially once bm got a serious boyfriend. Once she had a life again, she eased up on being so involved in ours. So hopefully the bm in your case will get a man one of these days.
And try to remember that even if things are different between your house and the bm's, your ss will adapt. As long as things are consistent when he's with you, then he will learn that he has to behave differently when he's with you.
Because they were never
Because they were never married and had been casually dating for only a month give or take before she fell pregnant, they feel like we can all be friends. My bf is understanding, but he doesn't quite get why I still want my distance from bm when he has no feelings for her and she has none for him. Everyone else- his family included takes sympathy because she is a single mom, and wants to include her in things. I don't think people should feel sorry for her, it isn't like my bf made a commitment and left her. He told her from the time she found out that he'd be supportive, but he knew they weren't compatible and never wanted to get married or serious to avoid being in and out of his son's life. It's frustrating too because the son is mostly hers, he doesn't get much say even though spending time with his son is top priority, he pays more child support than he has to, plus he throws extra money at her to pay for birthday parties and soccer and so forth. At the same time, she has been really cool about the son staying at my house with the two of us a couple nights. Maybe it isn't as big of a deal as it feels like. Regardless, she needs her own life. She is still friends with his friends and all about his family (they have money....maybe this is why?). She is very passive and pleasant so it is not like it would be easy for anyone to tell her to get her own life.
She even asked my bf if she
She even asked my bf if she should invite me to a "girls night out" with her and her friends!!!!!!
honey - it sounds to me as
honey - it sounds to me as though he is going to be stuck like a lot of other dh's here that pay out the nose for the "privledge" of seeing their kids. if he does not have a parenting plan in place or a formal custody order he needs one NOW. Courts will not enforce verbal agreements or pretty much anything other than a court parenting plan, so if they ever disagree, he will be royally screwed and if by then you are a MD and making good money, believe me, she will find a way to make him pay. Before you commit to much of yourself to this situation, sit down and have a good long heart to heart with your bf and find out if he is serious enough about you to take some action in protecting himself by nailing down his court ordered visiation or custody now. If he hems and haws and makes excuses you have a good idea what his attitude will be like toward your requests in the future. Believe me, you don't want to be stuck with a waffling guy in the thick of things down the road.
I've got lawyers in the
I've got lawyers in the family, and before we get married, I will make sure that my income is protected. But I won't have any money for a long time
We discuss everything, and he agrees that from now on if he wants to put out extra $$ on his son, he will do it directly (take him shopping for school supplies himself, for example) and all other money he gives her will be in boundaries of what has been arranged by the court. It feels like his son is hers primarily because she is the one with custody. But like I said she has been really willing to let bf have his son whenever he wants, even at my house overnight.
Very good advice,
Very good advice, Silversomething.
My dh's ex is remarried.
My dh's ex is remarried. That said, she STILL thinks that she is entitled to my dh as well as her own. She rambles about HER personal life to my dh, meanwhile leaving out pertinent information about his children to him.
My skids were great when I first met them at age 4. My dh, then my bf, was much more supportive back then as well. Currently, my skids tolerate me at best, my dh does not back me on things like he used to... and BM is OUT OF CONTROL! She too was nice to me UNTIL I married her ex.
My situation has gotten worse since I got married, not better.
Bm used to do this to my dh.
Bm used to do this to my dh. She would ramble on about her personal live and ask him personal questions. One time we met her to exchange sd and she had the audacity to put her hand on his chest in a friendly gesture. I FLIPPED and said ENOUGH and I put my foot down as hard as I ever have. I stood over his shoulder while he wrote her an email and told her that she needed to stop sharing about her personal life and stop asking him questions that don't relate directly to sd. I told him that if he didn't put some massive wide open space between them, then there would be some massive wide open space between us. It worked. And we're still married.
sharing
If you don't want to share don't even think about getting nailed down in this relationship. All of your life you will be sharing him with the people from his past. It doesn't matter how much one loves the other sometimes love just isn't enough to overcome all the problems. Find someone like yourself, young and educated, that doesn't have a truck load of baggage for you to deal with.
I have similar history
I have similar history dealing with children, I consider myself a person who can see the bigger picture most of the time and I also thought that things would calm down as time went on. I can tell you that if you don't like being under a microscope at all times you don't want to get into this. I too have SERIOUS problems with the BM and in laws. MY fiance too started out being "civil", which I admired until the first time I heard her screaming horrible names at him through the phone to get him to do something. That was when I realized that his civility" was really just doing whatever she wanted to get her to shut up.
Once I moved in and realized how much of MY time, MY efforts and MY plans went out the window when he remained so "civil" some things changed. I asked him to stop taking her calls after a particular call he took while we were at a grocery store upset me to the point of tears. She was literally yelling at him so loudly that I could hear every insult and every derogatory thing she said to and about him from several steps away. When those types of changes started happening he suddenly became "inflexible" in her opinion and when he started setting some boundaries in regards to her and his parents, it all was suddenly my fault. We are now, a year later considering counseling to find a way to relieve some of the stress related to BM and his parents now teaming together to break apart our relationship, even though we are engaged.
I had reservations the first time I had any idea he was interested in me romantically that there would be problems, and I thought of every scenario I could so that I would be prepared for life with another woman's kids. I could have come up with a million more and I NEVER would have been able to imagine that people could be so hateful.
Please think long and hard about what you are getting into. Be as sure as you can be that you want to deal with all these extra feelings and awkward situations that you will be put in just because you are helping raise a child that is not your own. If I had had a peek of what I would be dealing with, I never would have allowed the relationship to move forward. All that said, I have found a great partner, more than I ever hoped to find. I am one of the lucky few that has a fiance/dh who backs me almost 100% of the time. He respects me and has made it absolutely clear to his children that they will respect me, obey me and that he loves me. He has not forced them to act as though I am their mother, but he has given them his permission to let their feelings for me grow at their pace. I am extremely lucky (and I realize it may change as they get older) that both of my skids treat me respectfully, honor my authority and even care for me and are affectionate with me. Of most of the peoople's stories that I have read here, I feel like I am one of the luckiest ones that has the least of the problems and I still feel like I am living in hell sometimes.
Geezzz...that sounds
Geezzz...that sounds horrible. I think my last post explained the situation better. She is really very passive, so he is nice and she is nice, but I have read some emails he sent her a few years back and he by no means will go out of his way to cater to her. He will go out of his way to cater to his son...and he has gone out of his way to cater to me. He has never been inlove with her or deeply committed; she fell pregnant after a little over a month of casually dating. (I know...how can people be so careless) I don't plan on getting married anytime soon, so there shouldn't be too many surprises by the time we would tie the knot.
He also is really good about making sure his son is very respectful to me and listens when I tell him something. Bf and I are also really agree about parenting. The one advantage to dating a guy with a kid is that you see first hand what kind of dad he will be...or is rather.
Mia
I hate to sound this way but I would not get involved. Step parenting is very difficult, thankless and unrewarding job. If you want a family of your own you will be better off staying away from guys with kids. Your future children will be better off too.
hummm
I dont know how chummy i would want to be with his ex. I have tryed that and it back fired. I am nice to my bf ex but i certainly would not want a girls nite out with her!!!!!! I need to keep my distant. watch out for that