Advice - Teenage step daughter

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Hey, I've come on here to ask for some advice,

I am in fact a daughter and step daughter sort of and I need advice from people who may see the perspective of my dads girlfriend. I'm 18 years old and my parents split when I was 13/14 my dad was having an affair with the women he is still with. My mum and dad finally got divorced 2 years ago.

I never got on with my dads' gf. I was always a daddy's girl and was very close. When he decided to move out he moved a 2 hour drive away and rented with his gf. I used to want to talk to my dad on the phone but she wouldn't let him, she gave him grief for seeing me on fathers day, making him upset. I wasn't allowed to sit next to him at dinner. I was 13 and this was only a couple of weeks finding out my dad was having an affair. I was only 12.

She has moved in now, and I live with my dad. She complains about me all the time, that I'm messy yet all the ironing is over the floor, she doesn't have a job yet I'm studying my A-levels. I've always been messy well just forgetful.

So heres the thing,

Now that she has moved in, my dad not talking about it to me, she does have her own house from her previous marriage, she is making up stuff about me and her daughter has moved in.

Last year she took something of my dads which hes very patticular about when he went away for work. She wasnt meant to so I text her saying could she retern it. She phoned up her mum, her sister complaining about it and phoned up my nan and said that I was a nasty piece of work. She has also made my nan cry.

So I believe she has been doing things to make me feel isolated from the family. Just niggly things but being a teenager I retaliate, such as I had my name next to my dads on the calender, she then wrote out the next 12 months of calenders in name order mine being the last, this is a week to week calender, so I put my name there instead. I know it was stupid but wasn't she for being pathetic to just sit and write out the whole calender just so I wasnt next to my dad.

So I've been feeling that my home is no longer my home, I don't talk to her, she doesn't talk to me. I'm fine with that but she makes up things that she talks to me and I ignore her. She also constantly follows my dad about so I can't talk to him, it is her and her daughter which do it, even up to their bedroom her daughter follows, her daughter is 21. She never lived with her mum and all of a sudden she wants to move in with us. So she has, my dad doesnt like it, but what can he do. I think she has manipulated my dad as she told him last year her daughter would only stay here on her uni days and move to the halls the following year, she ended up staying much longer than that and she is not going to the halls this year.

so heres the thing, I've been staying at my boyfriends, I came back and my dad told me her daughter had moved in I wasn't delighted but what can I do. I feel that this really isnt my home as her daughter moans about me all the time, that I put the TV on. She decided to sleep downstairs, she has got her own room. and it was about 11:30am. I went downstairs and turned on the TV, she cant hog the front room all day, its not fair.

So when I came home, I went upstairs to have a bath, it was full with water, she and her daughter were downstairs having a coffee it was about 11am. I was getting ready to go out. I thought the water was dirty. I went and pulled the plug, sometimes I forget to pull the plug. I was having a bath, I get a knock on the door she was telling me to hurry up in the bathroom. So I finished shaving and got out, I didn't wash my hair to hurry up. I was getting ready for a date with my boyfriend. so I was getting changed she started yelling at me to get out I said I'm out now. I dried myself, cleaned out the bath and brushed my teeth and just cleaning my face as I didnt manage to do that in the bath. She starts yelling at me frantically to get out of the bathroom. I replied no, I'm just finishing tidying my face and I'll be out. She then yells do you want to talk to your father. I'm an 18 year old girl and she is trying to tell me off. I got out the bathroom and she said sarcasticly thank you and I replied my pleasure, she then turns at me and starts having ago at me saying that me and her are going to have a talk later I replied no im not im going to my boyfriends. she then slammed the bathroom door.

So I went to my boyfriends I got a phone call later from my dad asking me questions like yes no answers and told me to tell him the truth I did. I didnt bring it up again with my dad, until yesterday, when he picked me up, he told me he thinks im lying and that I will be punished. shes told him that she went downstairs to tidy up after me, my breakfast stuff thats why she was down there. but I saw her having a coffee with her daughter. I never have breakfast and when I went down my stuff was still there, so she lied. She has also said to my dad that I used her bathwater, which I think is disgusting as I thought it was dirty.

Why should I have got out of the bath why should her priorities come over mine. Apparently I could have stopped this by asking her if she was using the bathroom, cause apparently she had an interview and needed to get ready. But she never told me this and now I'm in trouble for an honest mistake.

Now I won't appologise to her, if I knew it was her bath water and she had an interview I would have rushed out the bathroom and been embarrised and feel really bad, but she didnt tell me this and just yelled at me and talked to me in an appauling manner, when I was keeping my cool. I am not apologising to her, but she has been giving my dad grief for the past week about it, I don't want to put my dad under stress. So I am taking my punishment. How can I tell my dad how I feel as when I tried to last night, he just said don't put on the water works.

What should I do? Am I in the wrong? I actually can't be in the same room as her. I'm moving out to university in august so I dont have long left, should I try to move in with my boyfriend as I am really upset and have to tiptoe around her.

To those people who have daughters step daughters, could you give me some advice, or tell me if I am in the wrong as I can see that i made an honest mistake but I wont apologise as she had talked to me in a horrid manner.

Thank you for reading.

I admire your bravery coming

I admire your bravery coming here.

It sounds very raw to you and probably impossible for you really to see a step mother's point of view. I am not a territorial step mother however lets face it, at some level we are all territorial.

If I could I would sit down with my SD17 and say "Hey I like you and your dad having a relationship but I have the wife gig. Please stop trying to be the wife and guess what I don't want to be the daughter. I love that you do father daughter stuff. Just respect me as Dad's wife and I already respect you as dad's daughter. Get friends and a boyfriend and get on with your potentially happy life."

You have a social life and a boyfriend by the sound of it and are moving towards looking after yourself. Do you want to be my SD? Just joking.

So one thing I have learned pressure men and they run away, relax and they respect you for their space. I moved out at 18 and have a fairly traditional relationship with Mum and Dad. I got on my own two feet and they both respected me for it. I earned it. Your Dad loves you inside and out. He is your Dad. Feel safe in that knowledge and do not feel this situation reflects on you at all. Give it some breathing space and get on with leading a great life.

Thanks for posting because it does us all good to have another person's perspective.

ps I did not have an affair. i get that there is extra sting in that for all of you and I imagine Mum is pretty angry and that is ok but hard on you. Try hard never to take on the adults problems, anger, hate, fear ok?

Agree with freshstart, you're

Agree with freshstart, you're getting on with your life, keep doing that, working towards the goal of moving out, and you might be surprised at how much your dad misses you as the years go on. Some Dad's can change as they get older, they start realizing the value of their children, and want to reconnect with children they may or may not have had a good relationship with at home. And once you move out your dad's gf won't have you to complain about and blame for all the household problems, your dad might see the light.

Just try to pick up after yourself in the common areas, go about your business, and count the days until you can move out! That's what I did when I was 18.

i have a similar situation, i

i have a similar situation, i am a father and step father, my dad did the same. wont bore you with details.
the only way is to be honest and calm with your dad and no water works.
apologising to her would be a good start.
you want this bad stuff to end and surely they all do - ask what should we all do about it?
suggest you all draw a line and begin now afresh.
i was about to give up on my partner and steps - taken for granted, not enough communication and i wanted it so we could understand each other better, got fed up with being told to go with the flow. that was not addressing our problems, problems dont magically fix themselves.
you sound quite grown up, if the adults havent figured out how to make it all work then you do it, you sound like its within your capabilities.
i had a lot of replies to a cry for help from me on this site and was told many times to be strong, man up and so on. i have and it is going well now.
ok you are only 18 but do something positive about it - first talk to your dad. give him some positives to start with like you want everyone to get on better and all be happy - you do dont you? no point in telling lies, if you dont want that then you have more thinking to do.
dont run away to your bf and dont give up on your dad, dads arent perfect, no one ever will be
good luck

good post, agree with a lot

good post, agree with a lot of it.

i meant the talk with dad as a start, he needs to know how she feels. what i didnt say was that once the two of them agree and see both points of view they move it on to 'family'.

You are right about talking about confidential things with partners, children and parents exclusive talks, same goes with partners. content makes it gossip or not but i do take your point.

if dad has any sense he will talk to his wife about what was said, not a bad thing and maybe better that way as the girl and the mum are at war at the moment.

it will take the dad as the one in the middle to start to pull it together wont it? but unless he understands his daughter they wont fix anything - she must talk to him.

its got to start somewhere

right and wrong wont move it

right and wrong wont move it on, yes she isnt without fault - none of them are so i come back to drawing a line, this will only work if they all want a similar thing and that is to get on with eachother.

its then down to dad as he loves both wife and daughter - its a circle - the gf isto blame, the daughter is to blame so they wont be 'nice' to each other, if shes not nice the other wont be nice. its a miserable and frustrating circle. some one needs to break it and do something different.

Dad hasnt been on this site asking for advice, neither has gf so no one can advise them. Daughter has so its her that must break the circle by talking. it has to be dad she talks to, its too much to expect her to talk to gf and have success isnt it?

HRNYC, I honestly do not

HRNYC, I honestly do not think you are for real. If you are (but your 'signature' suggests otherwise), this is very immature. You forget it can go both ways. My SD tried the old "Be sweet in front of them, but start making them look bad" game. Too bad she underestimated me. In the end she lost. Mutual respect is what it's all about.

OMG - what are you 12? That

OMG - what are you 12?

That would have to be the single most ridiculous piece of "advice" I have ever read on here.

FFS HNRYC what ARE you doing here?

StepAside......I would like

StepAside......I would like to say I come on here to read most of your post's
you are very lucky to be so smart, when I read your post's you always seem to look at it from both side's. The other day I posted about how father's act because of there guilt. I did this out of anger, I guess I myself act like a child sometime's
I guess I have some more growing up to do. I read where a lady wrote on here and her husband found out. I will admit I have changed my name on here a few time's out of fear of my husband finding out. It's the only place for me to vent and even look like an idiot. I don't have the education that a lot of you may have. As alway's when I post on here I want to sound as educated as most of your are, I try to get my words spelled right . I have tried to do the Disengaging I know I haven't got it down all the way but im still working on it. What I have it down to I feel so much better. That is tell he keeps the atm open. After reading your post's here on this page I wanted to write you and tell you thank you. Sometime's I will think about your post's during the day to dry and be a bigger person. But I will admit that a lot of time's people will tell you thing's that don't need to be said just so they can hurt your feeling's. I guess that's about it, I do look forward to coming on here and educating myself on how to be more understanding and to try and be a better stop mom and wife. Thank you for lisening, I also hope I don't get kicked off for the name changing. Thank you all for the help you give me on here.

I know I'm late to jump on

I know I'm late to jump on this train but admire you for coming here.

I too understand these dynamics. I'm a sd and a sm. My dad left my mom for my stepmother when I was 8.

I fell into the trap of hating my stepmother for many years when much of the blame really goes to my dad. He was my mom's spouse. She was not. He is my parent. She is not. Granted, I had other reasons behind my hating her-she has gossiped about me, lied to me about my mom, called me every vile name in the book, etc.

It took me living on my own for awhile to realize that while she never should've done and said these things, my dad, as my parent, should have stuck up for me. HE should've been the one to protect me from her.

The person who has brought you all under the same roof, Dad, is really key in this situation. I made the mistake of putting ALL the blame on my stepmother when my dad deserved just as much, if not more.

You say you're going to university soon. You should find out if your school has a professional who can help you. Many colleges in the us have counselors. I'm not sure if that's the case where you live. But having a neutral party to talk to really helps me put things in a better perspective. Hopefully that can help you too.

I am in fact a daughter and

I never got on with my dads' gf. I was always a daddy's girl and was very close. When he decided to move out he moved a 2 hour drive away and rented with his gf . I used to want to talk to my dad on the phone but she wouldn't let him, she gave him grief for seeing me on fathers day, making him upset. I wasn't allowed to sit next to him at dinner. I was 13 and this was only a couple of weeks finding out my dad was having an affair. I was only 12.

She has moved in now, and I live with my dad

Hmmmmm - ok so I am going to be the nit-picker. SO many discrepencies...

Second sentence - my parents split when I was 13/14...
then next para - I wasn't allowed to sit next to him at dinner. I was 13 and this was only a couple of weeks finding out my dad was having an affair. I was only 12.

Then the whole "whose house is it, who lived there first" debate -

When he decided to move out he moved a 2 hour drive away and rented with his gf

She has moved in now, and I live with my dad

Now that she has moved in, my dad not talking about it to me, she does have her own house from her previous marriage,

Soooo, which is it? Her and your dad moved in to a rental house together 4 years ago so it is THEIR house, it was never YOUR home before it was hers. It sounds like YOU moved out of your home with your mother at some point and in to THEIR home.

I just don't know. I get the feeling you are trying to draw a line around you and your dad, keeping her outside of it. SHE is his family too - he CHOSE her. SHE as his wife/partner gets to sit next to him, they SHARE a home, whose-ever children THEY decide to allow to live there as adults are THEIR business, it's not HER manipulating your poor defenceless dad and taking over yours and his house. Her daughter has as much right to live their as you do. The calendar thing - YOU were the one trying to mark YOUR territory and she put you in your place. YOU started it. You make it sound like it was always just you and dear ol' dad. YOUR name always went next to his on the family planner??? But what about your mother? He moved straight from your mothers home to sharing a home with his new love. It was never just you and him. Either way, now he has a partner and her place is next to him as the other ADULT in the relationship. YOU putting your name in there in HER spot - that was a pissing contest on YOUR part.

Also...

so heres the thing, I've been staying at my boyfriends, ........
So when I came home, I went upstairs to have a bath, ....., she and her daughter were downstairs having a coffee it was about 11am. I was getting ready to go out...... I was getting ready for a date with my boyfriend.

Okkkk. So. You are at your boyfriends where you have been staying, but at 11am you decide to go back to your dad and SM's to have a bath to get ready for a date with your BF?

shes told him that she went downstairs to tidy up after me, my breakfast stuff thats why she was down there. but I saw her having a coffee with her daughter. I never have breakfast and when I went down my stuff was still there

Then.... Firstly, you just said you walked in the door and saw her at 11am having coffee... now you say 1. you don't have breakfast. and 2. your breakfast stuff was still there...

Call me crazy - but there's 3 different stories right there.

Makes it kind of hard to believe you in my book. I think you KNOW you have been a little snot to your step-mother, you feel that she is treating you and your dad badly and you are trying to make yourself LOOK as innocent in these situations you have cited so as to make HER look bad.

I think you owe your SM and your dad an apology. I think you are 18 and need as stepaside says to grow up and make some ADULT decisions. Such as do you want a relationship with your father? HE is the one who cheated on your mother NOT the SM. Some would lay equal blame, but I am sure if you check back she was not the one who made vows with your mother. YOU have NO idea what he has told her about his marriage etc. So you cannot seriously blame her for the affair or your parents marriage ending - he did that not her. I get that it is easier to blame the non-related party - he is your dad, it's hard to deal with your anger towards him so you misplace it and take it out on her instead. See a counsellor if you need to, but your issues are with your dad. I think you really seriously need to take a good hard look at how YOU have behaved towards HER since things all began. Who are you to tell HER that she has to replace some item of your dad's? IF your dad had a problem with her using his item it is up to HIM to talk to her NOT EVER YOU. You overstepped. YOU don't come between her and your dad, YOU are not his partner SHE is. Whatever possessions, decisions, etc they are between the couple, you as his child have NO part in that and how dare you tell her off? OMG I would have ripped you a new one on the spot if you were my SD. You certainly would not be welcome in my home anymore after all the shit you are pulling.

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Advice - Teenage step daughter