Advice on Disengaging
Hello all. A brief intro before I go into my topic-SM to 4 & BM to 1 with DH. My husband and I have custody of his 3 oldest children from his first marriage, with no involvement from their BM. We have a very loving, normal mom/child relationship, as I am the only mother they have.
We exercise regular visitation with his daughter(5) from a past gf. I have a lot of issues with SD5 and her BM. BM has a lot of resentment and anger toward me, and I feel like it is beginning to rub off on her daughter. I have never had a great relationship with SD5; I used to babysit her for her mother, and her mom stopped allowing me to babysit very suddenly-I suspect it might have been jealousy bc SD5 and I were getting along very well for that brief period of time.
SD5 ignores me when she comes over to visit, does not respond to me when I speak to her, is not respectful, and refuses to answer questions from my DH if the answer is me (i.e. oh, who fixed your hair today, it looks nice). It's confusing for me because I have always treated her with love and respect. Lately, I do not like to be around her if I can help it (I know this makes me sound extremely petty, but it's the truth), she complains about most things and is not thankful; this coupled with her behavior toward me makes our "weekends" very unpleasant. This behavior is night and day compared to the children who live with us-respectful, polite, and loving, which is probably why I find it so difficult to be around her.
I have been doing some research on the idea of disengaging and would like to know if anyone has been in a situation similar to mine & practiced disengaging and what the results were. I have no desire to parent SD5, especially when she has no desire for me to be her parent.
Any advice would be much appreciated!
You basically stop asking
You basically stop asking her questions, stop giving her any attention, focus on the rest of your family and keep them entertained and happy. Go out with them and leave her pout and be left out since she doesn't want to do anything with you, then don't do anything with her.
I did this with my sd, and she complained to her dad and her dad pointed out to her..well you dont speak with angel either and you dont want to ...so why should she...
I've always had this notion...if someone treats you a certain way..you throw it back in their faces and let them see how it feels. Its called lessons...we all need them.
your sd is young and i'm sure its bm her is feeding her alot of poison..you can't change that. Its up to your husband to reassure her and remind her about respect to you and the people under that household. Your dh has to be firm with that and also tell her that if she chooses not to be part of the family then she loses out and that is on her shouldres....is it rough to be that way...yes...but that is life. There should be no special accomodations just because she is a child of divorce. Life doens't stand still just to make it easier on any of us.
It consistently amazes me
It consistently amazes me how these BM's claim to only want the best for their kids but really what they mean is that they only want the best for themselves. It makes me SO MAD. How could someone be so self involved that they destroy their kids and don't give it a second thought. Sorry - I'll get off of my soapbox. I have a hard time with the disengaging thing... I understand what it means and how to do it but at the same time, I want to try and be the better person. It feels very "eye for an eye" to me and I don't necessarily think that helps anything. Plus though the SK might be a pain in the ass, they're most likely a pain in the ass (in my situation anyway) because BM fills their heads with garbage. Why punish the kids when it's BM that we're pissed at? I don't know - disengaging's a tough thing for me. I ABSOLUTELY agree 1000% that there should be no special accommodations because they're kids of divorce but how do you balance everything? That being said, I have tried it and it did seem to work, I just think there's a fine line between disengaging and becoming completely uninvolved and cold.
tthanks for the advice &
tthanks for the advice & encouragement. i spoke with my husband last night about my desire to disengage & he completely agreed!!
i had done a lot of research on the topic, and found women who really took it to the extreme-"i won't feed my skids when they are over unless i'm asked to". i told my dh that i have no desire to neglect her, no matter how she treats me.
he was very undrerstanding and realized that it would actually reinforce his relationship with his daughter if he's responsible for parenting her. and, if he's in charge of her discipline when she is disrespectful or disobedient toward me, she sees that he is insisting she respects me.
we decided on the following;
he will be solely responsible for decision making and discipline with SD
dh will see to things like bathing SD and washing her clothes (i normally don't wash on the wknds)
if SD asks me to do something or if she can have something, she or I will call her dad and ask.
@stepmom008, I feel like my SD genuinely does not like me, which is hurtful. At this point, I feel as though I have become cold toward her. I think if I'm not responsible for parenting her when she's over here, I might not feel so uncomfortable when she's around.
SD is coming over for dinner tonight. Pray for wisdom and kindness as I interact with her!
When I disengaged I made a
When I disengaged I made a private plan of action...this is directly from my journal:
1.be friendly,not cold or distant
2.do not avoid SD in your own house
3.if SD speaks to you,speak back in a light,carefree manner
4.if SD hugs you, hug back
5.still give praise if SD is doing something well
6.don't exclude her from family time and don't exclude yourself from family time
7.provide the same amount of encouragement that you give your own child
8.don't pick up after her
9.don't correct her if she's speaking badly to her father..that's HIS job to correct
10.Opt out of school events unless invited by SD
11.Let Dh buy gifts for SD for birthdays,holidays,etc...
12.Don't expect anything from SD other than respect
13.Do not clean her room...she's old enough to do it herself and DH can remind her
14.Do not do her laundry...this is DH's duty to his own child
15.Do not stress if you're not cooking her favorite meals all the time, cook what you want to cook...your kitchen is NOT a restaurant
16.Sympathize with SD if she's upset or hurt to let her know if she needs you, you're still willing to be there but don't push yourself on her
17.Do not become so involved in SD's relationship w/her mother hence cutting your risk of manipulation, if she talks about her mother badly let DH handle it and you stay out of it totally.
18.Do not become overly concerned about SD's schedule and plan your own schedule with your child whether SD can be there or not
19.Stop asking SD questions about her day,her life,her activities...this will cut down on your resentment when she rolls her eyes and heaves that heavy sigh that says, "I don't feel like talking to you."
20.Always be available to talk but don't constantly put yourself out there for SD anymore...it's too hard for her to treat you as anything more than dad's wife and it's obvious she feels that liking you means betraying her mom...you're the adult so choose for her and back off.
This may not be the traditional disengagement plan but it has really cut down on the fighting between DH and me.
"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland
That IS awesome! I'm going
That IS awesome! I'm going to have to print that out - that helps me a lot with understanding disengagement. I guess I thought I knew what it was, but it turns out that I really didn't. Thanks!
it's about what works for
it's about what works for your situation...this particular plan is what I tested and decided would work the best for me. I have the luxury of not concerning myself with SD's wellbeing simply bc she has parents who concern themselves with that. There are always going to be nitpicking things that piss me off anyway no matter how much I disengage like,
1.I don't think TheFrizz teaches SD proper methods of hygiene...seems like SD only showers when she's at our house and DH makes her
2.I think SD is overbooked with activities that infringe upon the quality time she should be spending with DH
3.I think SD has a smart mouth and speaks extremely disrespectful to DH and about her mother ie: calling her mother lazy or dorky
4.She's super sneaky
5.She's extremely greedy
All these things will ALWAYS bother me simply because I can't fix it...this is the short list...obviously I could go on. But then disengaging allows me to let myself off the hook of wanting to fix a child that isn't mine. It bothers me still but not so much that I carry resentment into my marriage the way I used to. I used to resent my own husband because he wouldn't correct these things about his child. I tried to control the situation so much that it was ripping a hole in my marriage. Every now and then I forget to follow my own list then trouble starts and resentment builds but I feel better once I read it again and get back on track and focus on what's important to me: My son and my husband.
Venting and bitching here really helps to cope as well!
I still have a resentment problem with TheFrizz and my MIL...but I'm working on it
"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland
Barbie, that's awesome
Barbie, that's awesome advice, thanks for sharing! I have had similar thoughts, but I was too afraid to even acknowledge them because I thought they made me a bad person for not wanting to be very involved with her. Do you mind if I add some of that list to my rules?
StepAside, I think seeking counseling is great advice. I don't know that her mother would be very happy about it-could we seek counseling (we would go through our church) without BMs permission? Even if she could talk to someone without me present, maybe just her and her dad. We believe she has been having other issues, as well. My DH received a text from BM last night saying, "Please talk to SD5 about her attitude. She has been getting in trouble at school because she hums and rolls her eyes when the teacher talks to her." ( I thought she reserved this special behavior just for me!
)
Also, my skids call me "mom", and I think SD5 felt pressured to call me mom also, although I told her that she did not have to. Lately, she does not address me by anything, she just says, "hey" or will start talking. I asked my husband to address this last night-I told him I do not feel comfortable with her calling me mom, but I refuse to be nameless in my own home. If she would like to speak to me, she can call me by my name. He said he will talk with her about that. I'm very blessed with a wonderful, understanding husband, which has made this decision much easier.
No problem:) Take whatever
No problem:) Take whatever you like from my list...as long as it helps you
And having an understanding husband is such a HUGE part of getting through this stepfamily stuff. It seems like understanding husbands are the key.
"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland