The confuddled part after disengaging.
I don't babysit anymore. I bite my tongue when SD5 is misbehaving, being annoying, whining etc etc. When SO is at his ends wits with her, I offer a sympathetic ear, but when he looks at me with that "can you do something about it" face, I say "NO!".
The part I'm having trouble with; I can't STAND watching the brat get away with anything. I can't STAND watching SO let her get away with shit. I feel sickly when I hear SO talking to her like a baby, "Wad wrong chop chop?". I don't like the kid near me, she makes me feel like I'm one of her 'play things', so I often try to shoo her away with "ask dad/play with dad/what's dad doing?"
I don't have sex with SO on SD days (as well as the day before she arrives and the day after she leaves), I don't watch shows with him anymore (it was our 'thing', we NEVER watched an episode of any of our shows without the other), and I'm encouraging him to go out with his friends. Disengaging is OK... but I feel like I'm left with a person I do NOT like.
We spent months and months working on being parents TOGETHER for all our kids, sat with kids and went over the rules, told them that we the adults were a team... only for SO and SD to go back to their ways a.k.a BM's way. And I guess that's what I mean by "a person I do NOT like", seeing his weak parenting, i think i take it as a personal insult; BM's way is "better", perhaps they should have stayed together since they clearly parent the same way, he doesn't share the same family values and goals as I do.
When I take away BM and SD... I really like, respect and appreciate SO.. I DO love him... But unfortunately, BM and SD are soooo much apart of our lives, it's hard to be subjective.
Is this all normal for being newly disengaged? Does it get better, will I be able to have a relationship with my partner. Gah, I don't even know what I'm really asking....
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I don't have a solution for
I don't have a solution for you, but I do empathize greatly. DH and I have totally different parenting styles. He and BM parent similarly. I have had to mostly disengage because I get so frustrated with what I consider to be poor parenting. When I used to make suggestions, they were rarely given any thought, just got met with "we do things differently". I think the only thing I was ever successful with was the demise of the sippy cup (skids were 6 and 8 when I moved in, and STILL USING SIPPY CUPS!!!).
When skids aren't here, DH and I have a great relationship. When they are here, I might as well not be.
Hmm.. thank you so much for
Hmm.. thank you so much for the comments, seriously, thank god for forums, step life is so blinken hard to figure out!
In regards to the parenting, I think that at this stage I've exhausted all avenues to reach... ANYTHING, co-parenting, compromise, supportive partner, backing him up, giving him take-or-leave-it advice. I've even highlighted my own parenting shortfalls, my own kids bad behaviors etc and shown SO what I do about them, whenever he's pointed out something, I thank him and either step up or ask him for advice and I take it... but he just doesn't get it and doesn't reciprocate.
But I'm at the point now where I don't want to say ANYTHING to him about SD or his parenting. He turns EVERYTHING i say into an argument.
And you ladies are so right, it certainly does seem like I'm disengaging from SO as well eh... yikes. I know I'm being difficult, but to me it feels like if I were to carry on as though everything is normal between us, then he certainly is having cake and eating it to... but by disengaging from him, I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face.
I guess I need to learn how to come to acceptance that the parenting and disengagement from SD is what it is and doesn't need to effect SO and I. But is his poor parenting a deal breaker, I do find it unattractive... I need to figuer out if I can live with it.
I think my situation is
I think my situation is simpler then yours because I don't have kids and my husband has only one daughter (she's 12). But I totally understand what your going through! Disengaging is hard. It makes you see your husband in a new way. But I agree with the comment that you can try to disengage from your stepkid without disengaging from your husband. Don't bring up your stepdaughter with him but do things with him that oyu like doing together. i hope it gets easier. I'm seeing a new side of my husband too and I dont like it.