2nd time posting....AM I BEING UNREASONABLE
Steptalkers, I typed this at work when I was really emotional and it didn't post. Divine intervention maybe...who knows. Here is my issue/question.
SD18 (not H's bio) and SD16 (bio of H0 opted 2 years ago to move out and live with BM. We haven't had much interaction with them for many reasons:
1. they and BM told H he was choosing me and my bios over them.
2. they and BM tried to get H to spend time with them at parties, holidays, and in the summer when I am out of town or at work.
3. they are and have been for at least 5 years sexually active, into drugs and alcohol, thieves, use curse words extensively
4. they were verbally and physically abusive to my bio kids
Due to the way BM allows them to live, I told them with H's agreement that if they opted to leave our home, they would not be allowed to come back under any circumstances. Despite our warning, they left.
Ok, so this morning SD18 sends H a text inviting us to his graduation and asking for our address. I had sent an email to SD18 in response to hers telling her we would come and not to waste an invite (H isn't the type of man to retain mementos). So when the text comes in H tells me about it and obviously had forgotten we had already agreed to attend the graduation without any of the kids to avoid SD14 going through drama of seeing her mom (H and SD's decision not mine), etc.
But this morning as I step out of the shower, he says...so do you want to go to graduation....I said of course I don't want to go. He then says....why do you dislike SD18 so much....45 minutes later we wrap up a huge fight by me telling him that he is a spineless coward and that I hate him. This is harsh and was said in anger after he told me that I taught him to be evil and derisive to people. I told him I challenged him to stop allowing people to walk all over him.
So this argument included H crying (yes, he cries and it drives me bonkers) and saying he never gets to see his children, SD18 and 16, and it's all my fault. I tell H he can see them anytime he chooses. He says to me okay then I'll just do that.
I refused to speak to him all day.
My question: because BM and SD18 especially and explicitly attempted in last 2 years to have H play "family" with them without me, am I being unreasonable when I tell H if we go to any function it should be as a unit? Otherwise SD18 and indirectly BM are getting exactly what they want.
Now in full disclosure, I really dislike SD18 as much as BM almost. She is such a manipulator and moved in with us for the final time July 2007 after she and BM schemed to have us buy her a car among other things.
So H's problem is this: he says you hate her and you will never want to see her. And he's right, but I did tell him I am an Academy Award actress and I can fake it...b/c I fake it more than he would ever believe.
Ok, stepparents, am I out of line? Since I despise SD18 should I just bow out of the activities and let H do his thing? And if so, do I talk to him about whatever they do or do I just act like it hasn't happened?
And if we take this route, isn't it then like we're living 2 separate lives; so why put myself through the headache of being married?
Thanks for any comments as I don't want to be unreasonable, but I am so clouded by my dislike of BM and SD......HELP!
Evil Diva
formerly angeliabb
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Okay, I'm getting a little
Okay, I'm getting a little bit of mixed messages from you. You say you told SD18 yes we'll come, then when your H asks you, you say of course I don't want to go...then when he says he is going to go, you say any events involving the SKs & BM you guys should go as a couple so they don't get to exclude you...I can see where his confusion is coming from. If you want to be a united front, then you'll have to suck it up at the "events" and go with him. If you don't want to be around the rest of the time, let him spend time with them separately, while you go do your own thing with your kids. I understand not allowing them to ever live with you again, but he is going to want to at least visit with them sometimes...and it sounds like he is becoming resentful and feels like its your fault he is not spending time with them. So, I would go to the important events with your DH, and at other visitation times just make yourself scarce. Hopefully they will grow up soon and become less of a PITA!
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"
wow...
that is a bunch of mixed signaling, huh?
I guess how I feel is this...I don't like them and would be so okay to never see them again, but I know as a wife I must deal with this and see them sometime. So I am going to go and even offered to throw Diablo's spawn a graduation party/brunch for H's side of the family only....ugh, I hope H rejects that offer.
I know he misses those demon spawns, but I don't. And whenever he even considers seeing them or when he actually takes them out to lunch, I pout for days. They are constantly telling him stuff like, "Mom asked about you." Mom's doing really well. Mom's such a great person. Mom's going to tour the world this summer like you and she always talked about. Mom took us to your old naval base and she was really emotional. Mom said to tell you and SD14 hi. Like the entire conversation is about BM!!!!!!
So I just know the damn graduation will be exactly like this......because they do it to get on my nerve. And I'm too damn slow to just dismiss the silliness.
That's where I want to be...in a place of serenity where I just smile and keep right on walking. Are you there? Any ideas on how to get there before the damn graduation on 6/4?!
Evil Diva
although I get the message you DON'T like
like your SD's how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and DH felt this strongly about you BK's wouldn't you want to work out a happy compromise ??? Good luck!
Your H is definitely caught
Your H is definitely caught in the middle...and I understand you can't stand them and thinking about being near them probably makes you want to barf...I feel for ya. Why doesn't your DH tell them straight out that some of their comments are not appropriate? Does he not want to fight with them over it? Will they not care? Or ask him to ignore these comments and not respond/change the subject so that you don't feel so resentful or out of place with them around? The best thing you can do is show up, look great, show your love for your DH and be a great actress. Maybe they like getting to you and that is why they make comments all the time. Try to hide any annoyance/discomfort and pretend they aren't even there. Don't give them the power to affect your emotions! Fake it, then come here and vent LOL
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"
Its just a hard pill to swallow
I understand exactly how you feel...Everything my SD4 says is about BM...It is hard to take it...I wish you luck in learning how to be the bigger person and suck it up b/c I haven't mastered it yet...
My suggestons would be to stay out of your Dh's relationship
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
with SD18. I have much the same situation with SD17 (18 in a couple of weeks). She has stated to H that she hates me; therefore, I feel releived of any responsiblites towards her. I have tried, and been rejected.
Graduation does bother me. BM will be there, Sd17, Sd14, relatives, friends. And I won't. I am evidently not as good a actress as you say you are. I simply choose not to subject myself to it.
I realize that regardless of the mutual feelings of intense dislike that exist between SD17 & myself, H is still her father. The only time I voice an opinion now is over the extremes he goes to in spending on this entitled "woman". We simply cannot afford it-not for anyone, her included. But H is free to go see her as often as he likes. Mostly I just stay home when he goes.
Last time he went, he and BM obviously had a cozy little chat. I can only imagine. BM, H and SD17. Sitting around the campfire (not really - just picturing it that way) chatting up what a wonderful student SD17 has been,(like a 2.57 GPA is gifted or something) and what a lovely party they are planning for her at the Country club. :barf: Makes me ill, but less ill than if I had been there.
H has ordered a wedding cake for her graduation! A WEDDING CAKE!. I give up. Country club, open bar, wedding cake. Oh well. I won't be around to witness much more.
My point is I guess-regardless of your feelings, give you DH his time with his children. If you don't, I'm afraid he'll probably turn on you.
Let your DH have whatever relationship he wants with his kids
as long as it doesn't impact you negatively. I understand exactly how you feel. I have totally disengaged from my SD18 and want nothing to do with her but I would never expect him to remove himself from her life. I will not leave my home so she can visit here so he has her over when I'm at work, and spends a few hours with her here and there (outside of our home) but never puts me in the position where I have to deal with her at all. He doesn't like it but has to accept it because ultimately this is where all his years of "guilt parenting" has landed us.
He is completely free to be supportive of SD but not at the expense of our relationship or finances.
I totally get where
you are coming from b/c that is EXACTLY how I feel about my situation most days. It is hard to be nice when you can't stand them as people. MY SD19 is manipulative, uses people, etc. She even has a baby now. Luckily for me, DH sees this side of her and refuses to support any type of manipulative relationship with her. I dont get involved in it, unless asked.SD17 is BPD and BP and so it has been a rough road with her, but I do as much as she lets me. In other words, if some days she is standoffish, then I am too. It works. I DO think that you need to sit DH down and explain to him exactly why it is that you don't like SD18. I believe in being completely honest, b/c only then can you get to the root of the problem and fix it, or not. I think DH is being very disrespectful to you by allowing them to bait you by talking about BM so much. I think he really should grow a pair and tell them that if they want to visit with him then they will not speak about BM unless asked.My parents are divorced and I dont speak about my mom in front of my dad GF unless she asks about her. My mom has health issues right now, so she does ask...BUT I wouldn't unless she did ask. Its just not nice. Plain and simple. Maybe you could throw them off by asking about her and talking alot about her? Sometimes fight fire with fire? Good luck to ya!
I feel
for you, I feel for his kids, and I feel for your dh. Here is a situation that is so bad for everyone. I would reconsider staying with him if you hate his kids so much.
My dh and I came to
My dh and I came to an arrangement a long time ago that he could go and see his kids as often as we could afford to send him. If they wanted to pay his way so they could see him more than I was okay with that. How I feel is that I wouldn't want to be told I couldn't see my children so I wouldn't want to do that to him. I figure that I will just do things that I want to do but would not normally do if he's around. I just consider it "me" time. I accept that down the road it could cause problems in my marriage should my sd try to sabotage my relationship. I guess that it would be one of those things that if it happens, it happens. At least I tried to do the right thing for my dh.