Hi, ST....been gone for a while, busy at work. I come in need of some confession time. On Sunday, H receives text from BM that her father is gravely ill and she wants SD14 (we are custodial parents) to come see him before he passes. SD14 is at friend's house for weekend. H and I discuss it and he asks me if SD14 should go. I tell him that SD14 and I discussed her grandpa about a month prior when we first learned of his illness and SD14 said she hadn't seen the man in over 4 years and didn't have a distinct memory of him other than that he smoked a lot and had a nickname for her that she couldn't pronounce. So H and I decide to let SD14 decide what she wants to do. H asked me to talk to SD14 b/c lately she gives him lip lip and more lip.

Fast forward Sunday evening I ask SD14 to come home an hour early and we talk. I tell her this is your decision what do you want to do. She asked what I thought (she thinks so highly of me and my advice So I told her: you are a week away from high school, in which you will have to fight every second to stay ahead as you are still functioning on a 5th grade level (she asked to be mainstreamed/taken out of special ed program), you say you didn't have a relationship with him and you want to remember him in a healthier state...I believe those are compelling, mature considerations and I'll support you if you decide you don't want to go. And that was the decision she made.

Now herein lies the problem. I could have easily persuaded her otherwise. It's what I do for a living. And we got a text from SD18 her grandfather passed at 3.40 a.m. I feel horrible and guilty and like I'm going straight to hell or will die alone and lonely.

When my H asked my advice I disclaimed as follows: I am persuaded heavily by my illwill towards BM. From what you have told me, this man supposedly sexually molested BM for 9 years. But according to BM you supposedly raped her. If this man did that from the time she was 3 until 12, why is she making such a big deal about SD14 being there to hold his hand. I also told him that I didn't believe for one second BM was sex'y molested by her dad, just as I know for a fact H didn't rape her. So I told him I had a ton of sympathy for the dying father but none for BM. I also told H, look my dislike of BM is clouding my judgment ad affecting my advice.

In the end, they both listened to me and she didn't go see him. But now I am having grave regrets. I called my mom on Sunday for advice and she said, if the child wants to go, let her go. But what my mom doesn't get is that I could have swayed the child one way or another. I chose the sounds like you don't want to go path out of spite and hatred????

Some context, SD14 hasn't seen BM since November. SD14 has asked not to see BM as she is "so angry" at BM, but I have a lot to do with that also. SD14 has asked me a lot of questions and I am honest with her about everything. She was kept in the dark about so much but I don't believe in that. Problem is she wouldn't be so angry if I followed my H's lead and just pretended the world was great filled with great great people. Example: she says things like...you are so concerned about my biokid's safety, happiness, etc., that's how real moms are supposed to be, huh EvilDiva? To which I say, I believe as parents we have an obligation to ensure our children are x,y and z. To which she'll say, my mom only cares about herself and only uses us to get something for herself. Or she'll ask, did H cheat on BM? And I told her to ask H. She goes, I am asking you b/c you said you'd never lie to me. People treat me like I'll break if I get bad news. So I told her, no he did not. She also tells me constantly, it's shameful that everyone walks around pretending H is my biodad when anybody with eyes can tell he's not.

So she is angry at BM about a lot and I don't try to dissuade her of that anger. I don't preach forgiveness. I preach accountability. But is this the right thing to do?

A little about SD14...she is "borderline" mentally challenged and takes on others' problems, personalities, etc. She has very little impulse control that we work on. She has low self esteem, which we are working on. She never use to stand up for herself, but gosh have I fixed that problem, much to H's dismay. She has really evolved into a hard working little terror. She speaks up for herself and is finding her voice. I was selfish about seeing her grandpa b/c I felt if she did, she would spiral into one of her dark, deep depressions that she hasn't suffered in over 2 years. I didn't want to have to deal with that and try to get her off to a good start in HS, so I "helped" her along in her decision not to visit the grandfather.

I am sure that I am going to hell b/c isn't there a saying...the road to hell is paved with good intentions?

EvilDiva