Just When You Thought IT Couldnt Get Any Worse
An update on yesterdays post...
When I got home from work yesterday I told my daughter that I was upset with her and that when we got home from taking the SK's to softball we would be sitting down and having a nice, long dicussion about her breaking the rules and being dishonest, with a punishment to follow.
So I take the SK's to softball and take my daughter with me. While my husband and I are watching practice my daughter asks to go for a walk on the bike trail. We allowed her to do so but when practice was over she still wasnt back from her walk. My husband and I drove up to the entrance of the bike trail and LOW AND BEHOLD there stands my daughter with the 10th grade boyfriend!!!!
Of course I freaked out on her. She knew that I was upset about her dating him and I told her that it was unexceptable and then not even an hour later she meets up with him?!?!?! What am I going to do with this child? I took her home and my husband and I sat and talked with her for two hours getting no where! After all she has done she is actually upset with US! We have not set a punishment yet because I have no idea what to do with her! We tried some of the advice that I got from the forum yesterday...even the sex offender talk and none of it seems to phase her! HELP!
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Shut her down
I had to do this with BS11. No phone, no music, no computer, no TV, no friends. He can do NOTHING but read books or do math workbooks until he can prove to me that he is responsible. If he needs to make a call to a friend about homework or something, he can do it on speaker phone. He took out the trash without being asked so he earned back his MP3 player. He helped his sister with her homework, so he can start watching TV, but only NatGeo, History, or Discovery channels. This is not a "restriction" so to speak that he will be off of after a certain amount of time. This is more like "if you want to act like a preschooler, unable to follow directions and do what you know is right, then you will be treated as such." He has to prove to me that he is growing into the young man I know he is capable of being, before he will be treated like a "big boy".
I'm sorry about what you're going through. If I remember right from yesterday, she's 13? That's such a hard age to be and to parent. I know how scary this must be for you. Maybe this suggestion will work for you, I don't know. It's a lot of work, but worth it! Anyway, it's worked pretty well for me so far, so I wanted to share it.
Good luck!!
Im not sure if this
has already been mentioned..But I know alot of cities has bootcamp, enroll her in one of those for abit..And if she doesnt straighten up that you will send her to juvy, until she can learn to be respectful and responsible..Im sorry you're daughter is putting you through this, and we all know what the 10th grader wants with her anyway, and when he gets it ( i hope he doesnt) he will move on to the next one..
"The future's uncertain and the end is always near." Jim Morrison
WOW!
I've experienced the same behavior with my child..her getting mad at me for actually caring about her..
I think at this point, she has shown a lack of being able to trust her..I would definitely put a lockdown on some of her freedoms..no celphone, computer access..etc..
I would also have a talk with this boy's parents ASAP
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
My SD is 11...and VERY cute
since "all of the other kids in the 6th grade have bfs" (eyeroll) she was on track to try and have a bf as well...well after checking thru her phone, etc...I found out who the boy was and my DH sat her down and let her know that she not allowed to have a bf at this age, etc. and that if she was caught acting inappropriately she would lose everything. I also spoke to the boy's mom and explained that her son liked my daughter and vice versa but that DH and I do not allow her to have a bf...his Mom agreed as well it was great to see that we had the same view....so far so good....but in yur case she is now going behind your back and blatantly disrespecting your rules,,,,in that case I agree with Serena,,,,I would strip her of everything and let her "earn" things back....lets face it, kids at this age only care about their electronics, etc.... Good luck Crys, and be TOUGH on her!!! Oh, and speak to his parents...I would hope they would find this inappropriate as well...
"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"
Lockdown
I’d take her cell phone away indefinitely.
As others suggested I’d also remove all electronics from her room and have her make and receive all calls on speaker phone with you or your husband present.
As for the BF – were you able to talk to him? And explain that he could get in a lot of trouble pursuing her i.e. the sex offender talk, because she is legally a child?
If he didn’t care then I’d talk to his parents and let them know what’s going on.
I’d also consider talking to the school’s liaison police officer or your local police department’s liaison police officer. I bet the police officer would be willing to talk to your daughter and her BF and explain the legal trouble BF could be in if he is caught with a minor.
~BettyRay
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"PROBLEMS ARE ONLY OPPORTUNITIES IN WORK CLOTHES."
-Henry Kaiser
We got the police involved
We got the police involved and they talked to him and told him to leave her alone. We had a detective contact us and tell us that if we went to court over this issue than we would not win because SHE was pursuing HIM! So, our hands were tied. It was frustrating to say the least. We just wanted to protect our daughter and we couldn't do a thing about it!
Thanks For The Advice So Far
We were not able to talk to him as when he saw us drive up he ran and hid in the trees. That tells me he knows what he was doing is wrong. Do any of you think it makes a difference that she is my/her fathers only biological child? I want her to realize more than anything that she deserves to be punished and its like she thinks we should just let it slide???? I dont get it!
Do you know
where he lives? I'd follow him and talk to his mother...maybe that'll stop this kid, but there will always be another. I totally agree with the lockdown stuff! I followed Dr Phils advice on that one and it worked for a while. But, my SD is different, she is BPD, so things that work with normal kids dont work with her. I even went so far once as to take everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING out of her except her mattress and a pillow. That got her attention real quick.
call her guidance
counselor at school also..or email her. My BD's guidance counselor and I email each other about 1x a month..and I can talk to them about issues like this and they are always quick to try to help in situations like this. It IS her age too..I remember being 14 and being headstrong, rebellious and stubborn.
Are there things your daughter can join too? like sports, or afterschool programs. I made my daughter sign up for a program afterschool that involved the kids in doing different sports, or home ec..things to keep her busy and more her "age". She also is involved in sports.
My school has a police liason also that goes around to all of our town schools..I would contact her and tell her and she can talk to the boy and his parents.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
I agree that you do need to
I agree that you do need to shut her down. We had problems like this with my sd, however, she only gave the appearance of doing the right thing to get back the privileges. We did eventually catch her in the lies but not before it was too late. So, be on your toes and don't let her earn the stuff back too easily or too soon. Make sure that it is dragged out so maybe the boy will just move on. However, if she can see him at school, then the problem might never go away! Hard to say how to handle that one!
Great Advice
Thank you all so much! If nothing else, it feels great to have people that understand what Im feeling! My daughter is a very involved and popular child. She is in choir, cheerleading, softball, gymnastics, basketball, volleyball, she is the class president of FCCLA, etc. It is definatly not for a lack of better things to do
I think it has a lot to do with the fact that EVERYONE has boyfriends and she is trying to keep up with the Jones' but isnt interested in anyone her age becasue she feels she is more mature. Whats funny is that my husband is a child behavior disorder specialist and even he doesnt know how to get her to respond!
LoL..
I never liked guys my age either..They alway acted immature, and silly...My hubby now is 10 yrs older than me..But I think she has a good head on her shoulder and no you arent alone..Remember we were that age once, mother knows best..
"The future's uncertain and the end is always near." Jim Morrison
Remember these?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chastity_belt
LMAO!!!
Do you still have yours on Sasha?
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"
ha ha ha melis
no, I never had one of those. I never went anywhere and was always under my parents' watchful eyes, so I never needed one. I never had a date until I graduated high school, and even then I had to have my bratty 12-year-old sister tag along as a "chaperone." She was at that wonderful age where all she did was stick out her tongue at everyone.
oh so the 12 yr old sis was
oh so the 12 yr old sis was the chasity belt
Guess they come in all shapes and sizes!
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"
When I was 13, and in 8th
When I was 13, and in 8th grade, I started seeing a 10th grader, a 15 yr old...my mom tried to forbid it but I always found ways to. When she finally gave up & said fine, you can see him...I didn't like him anymore! Then when I was 14 I started dating a 17 yr old, she didn't forbid it, and we dated 2 1/2 years...this was a time when my stepdad was laid off & things were really bad between my mom & him...my then-BF saved my sanity through that. He actually took care of me! He gave me lunch money, bought my school clothes, and bought me my first car...because my mom & stepdad were in bankruptcy and risking losing the house. He is still one of my best friends. So I might be a little biased and not as strict on this one...not thats its right. I know in your case she doesn't "need" this guy in her life, she's just be a teenager.
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"
The one on the bottom
right hand side looks like that would hurt OUCHIE..:O :-O :shocked:
"The future's uncertain and the end is always near." Jim Morrison