If I can help, but I can definately relate. All I can add is that you are not alone. And it's true, we didn't know, we had no idea. I'm sure we were all thinking we were doing the right thing. I mean, how can loving someone, accepting their life and children, helping them in every possible way, sticking around through the tough times because you love them ect. be a "bad decision" it turns out it was. I really hate when I talk to people about it and they say "THE MISTAKE YOU MADE....blah, blah, blah" What???? The mistake I made???????????

TTFP, if you are turning into someone you don't recognize and don't like, it's time to move on, if you've exhausted attempts to change the situation. Has counseling, etc. worked?

If not, gosh, I just read your post where you said everyone deserves to have their partner make them a priority in their life. Your reasons for staying are all for DH: you don't want to break HIS heart and abandon HIM in a mess HE created.

Has he worked at making you happy so that the marriage doesn't break YOUR heart? Has he emotionally abandoned YOU for someone else? (Stepkids, not being able to stand up to ex, etc.)?

If you don't make yourself a priority, no one else will. I don't blame you for being scared -- it's scary and confusing when you're alone in the middle of a crowd. I always say, you can be a million times lonelier in a bad relationship than you can be alone.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

Have you told him the same thing you have just told us? Is your happiness important to him? If so, he will listen to what you have to say and hopefully make some changes to effect your happiness.

You will never know unless you talk to him. Then go from there.

T2FP - I have been where you are. There was a period in my marriage where I looked up and didn't recognize the person who I had become. Even worse and more frightening is that I didn't LIKE the person I had become. Looking back I realize that I allowed my situation to change me rather than change my situation. I know that is not always easy to do as we sometimes have spouses who stand with the kids or BM more than they do us. Things had gotten so bad that I was really contemplating leaving. The very thought broke my heart and depressed me because I KNOW that DH and I are soulmates and belong together. I KNOW that I had found my one true love and I feared losing him. BUT I also knew that I could not go on any longer the way things were. We would have eventually grown to hate each other and I couldn't accept that.

I remember telling DH that I felt that peace and happiness were far more important than any relationship when we first began dating. I had to go back and reevaluate that statement. I needed to be true to myself, but like you I wanted to be true to my DH too. I ended up writing him a long and heartfelt last ditch effort letter as all prior conversations had fallen on deaf ears. In that letter I expressed how much I loved him BUT that I needed to love myself more and things had to change or I had to leave. That letter was able to reach to my DHs core and let him feel the pain that I was feeling. After reading it he came to me and gave me the biggest and longest embrace and said that he was there for me and did not want to lose me. Now I'm no sucker... I needed more than empty words and promises to make me stay but true to the man that he is my DH worked HARD at honoring me and our marriage. He put his foot down with the skids because it was the RIGHT thing and not because I was the wife. We had slip ups, but we worked at making our marriage strong and united. We are now very happy and I am so thankful and blessed that I stuck it out through the rough spots. We still have our moments, but what relationship doesn't. There is no such animal as a PERFECT relationship. They all have their own struggles.

I say all of that to say this. Be sure that you have done all that you can to work through your differences and issues. Someone above posted about counseling and other avenues. Make sure that you have done everything that you possibly could before throwing in the towel. It is not easy, but work on you as well as the relationship. It was most difficult and painful for me to take a look at things that I was doing that contributed to the problems. No one wants to start there, but in my opinion it is the best place to start. WHY? Because people in glass houses should not throw stones. I can't complain about my kids disrespectful behavior when I do the same thing. I can't talk about how rude they are when I too do the very same thing. I am not saying that you are the problem because it sounds like you are trying and DH is not really giving. But like you, when I realized that I had changed and not for the better I had to work on myself to change my image. Bitter, resentful, disrespectful and mean are not words that would normally describe me, but somewhere along the way they had become parts of my personality without my ever really noticing it. Good luck and I hope that things get better or that you get out if you can't find a happy medium.

Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P

It's so hard to think about leaving. I'm scared...I feel self pity...I hate what I've done to myself. How do you get out without feeling like you're going to kill a piece of yourself?? I don't want to leave either but the cons of the situation outweigh the pros. I'm bad to give advice...b/c I'm the kind of person who would stay and be miserable b/c I'm scared. I really am.