And the fight continues...... Any thoughts?
So we've been fighting for 2 days now cuz I looked in fh's phone. He was initally mad about the 'invasion of privacy' which I still can't fully cop to because if he wasn't acting squirrly about the phone I wouldn't have felt uneasy and needed to check up on him.
That being said, he twists everything around into more drama.
Yesterday, he recanted and said that he did invite me to the internment...he had said it *while we were fighting* the previous night. He had said something like "you *are* immediate family are you not?!" in the middle of the fight and I said, "whatever"...and supposedly it ended w/him saying "I'll pick you up at 1:30". Unfortunately I don't remember it that way. He has a habit of twisting things around and I recall he'd said that in the *middle* of the fight...but at the end, the last thing I remember him saying was that his BIL wasn't going...he'd have to check w/his sister on that. So I figured he was uninviting me and that if he changed his mind, he'd let me know. So yesterday he was angry that I didn't just "show up" at the internment like BIL did. I said I thought I wasn't invited because I wasn't immediate family, and I thought BIL wasn't going, and fh made it seem like he did not want me there. So fh twists it all around like I did it to let him down and make him go alone...and I should have just shown up. I didn't even remember where the hell it was for godsake!! I'm not a local here, I can barely find the frikkin grocery store, let alone remember where this thing was going to be, find my way there, and wonder if I'm going to be welcomed or asked to leave. So that was another fight and disappointment.
The bigger problem was he keeps throwing these hypothetical things out...what if exW's brother calls up in the summer and wants him to play a round of golf at the country club? I'm all p*ssed off because 1)he has nothing to do with my family because he's looking to do "something fun" (hi childish much?) and 2)why does everything he does...any kind of "activity" thing has to involve someone from his past????!!!!! He used to talk about us golfing and him teaching me...but now it's into the "what if ex-bro-in-law calls...or ex-bro". It's like we're fighting about one thing and he throws something totally different in just to push my buttons...of course I'm mad, of course this is not going to go well, so he throws it in to say "ha, you are a royal bitch!"
Anyway, I tell him that no you are not golfing with your ex-anything! After you have handled your business at home, and with my family and "our" friends from our happy new life(yeah right), THEN if there's any time left can you go play with your old ex-family people.
All I'm trying to do is get him to see that our new life is top priority...my family is top priority...our friends are our priority. These exes and former-life people...they're NOT a priority.
We've got counseling today at 4. I'm not sure how it's going to go. I'm fed up with his crap. He's a bullyboy who's just trying to strong arm me into tolerating things I cannot tolerate and shouldn't be expected to. If he spent half as much time building our dream together, we might have a chance....but it's all this crap about his ex-people, and i'm tired of it all.
I've got people looking for a better job for me that pays more. I've also got them looking for a place to live. If I can get more financially sound and have a place to go, I'm done with him and all his drama. He can play with his ex's family and move her back in if he wants. All I want is no more of his damn baggage!
Am I being unreasonable? Seriously, y'all can tell me because I dont' know. He's telling me I'm an unreasonable bitch, but I'm trying to say that the things he wants and expects are not fair and bother me tremendously.
Any feedback would be super appreciated!
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Too MUCH baggage
I agree LT. One can only put up with so much. What still surprises me about these men is that they seem so attached to their former lives.
I understand your need to draw boundaries but H seems like he is trying to control you.
The unreasonable is also a LINE my H tried to use with me. He needs to understand that there is a "price" for your love. That price has to be the profession and demonstration of his love for you, his providing for you and his protection of you. As of now it seems like he wants to have you but isn't willing to compromise.
Maybe you should ask him like I asked my H, are you ready for the type of love that I have to offer you? If so, this is what I expect form you____, if not be fair and let me know.
I thinks that as women, we often make the mistake of going with the flow and not setting expectations from our men form the begining. ( In my case I set the expectations, he agreed to them and then decided that the "price" was too high).
I just thought of something
the "price" is high because we are a "prize".
Remember: Tough people outlast tough times
One can only hope!
that's very insightful
that's what happened w/me too...i got him to start setting boundaries, but now he's trying to re-create old relationships or something.
I know he's registered on Classmates.com or Reunion or whatever it is. I'm wondering if he's trying to get in touch with some highschool chicks he used to know. He said last night "I haven't cheated on you *yet*" when I was telling him about my friend's husband having a breakdown, which he attributed to cheating. I have issues with cheating since my exH was a cheater, but I'm detecting things in this one that don't sit right either...that's why i went through the phone, etc. He got on me for "not trusting him" but he knew when we got involved I have trust issues...not just from the cheating but I was also raped. I've been through alot of counseling to be able to function again, but he seems to use that to push my buttons and he knows what hurts/scares me. So he scares me/pushes my buttons and I act out. It's not right for either of us to do. bottom line though was I looked at his phone to ease my mind...he twisted it and turned it into this whole "what if" thing with his ex-family just to push my buttons and perhaps throw me off from the phone.
I can't wait for counseling today because something's gotta give.
Hugs to u
Best to you...
He fights dirty. Hitting your weak points should never happen. That is vicious abuse. A good relationship is safe, emotionally. And he baits you with the ex stuff. What does he want? Perhaps that is a good question.
I relate, I went through it, now have a good marriage. It is different and this stuff NEVER happens. Oh, we have a spat now and then but it's minor. You deserve better.
Did you stay with the same guy?
I'm trying to figure, because things are getting better in alot of ways, if it's going to get better enough to stay with him. Fights like these are vicious and "my fault" because I looked in his phone...but aren't married people supposed to know all about each other??? Dont' I have a right to know what's in there, what's on the taxes, etc??? I'm an open book, he just doesn't care to read, which is sad
Well, you know how I feel
Well, you know how I feel about this already. I agree with October8 that so often, women don't set boundaries and guidelines in the beginning, because in our culture, a strong woman is called a b****. We want men to think we're sweet and low-maintenance -- but that often means that we put up with a lot of crap, and then they learn from us that they don't have to treat us with respect.
" He said last night "I haven't cheated on you *yet*" >
Okay, any man who would say that is an a-hole. Deal breaker. No one should have to put up with a partner who says things just to hurt them. ESPECIALLY because he knows you've got issues with trust and feeling safe in a relationship. Do you really want to be with someone who is capable of treating you with that kind of cruelty?
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
That's how I feel about what he said
He was especially cruel, but will wrap it up and say "I was just joking." The counselor will tear him up over that one and he'll say he's sorry, yadda yadda yadda. It's the same old stuff over and over.
You've nailed it...I don't feel "safe" in this relationship. I've tried to explain that to him about the house, why I wanted the ring so desperately, why I don't want the ex's family around,etc...but it's getting me nowhere. It's like we take all these steps forward and then one thing throws us back to where we started. It's frustrating and I'm tired of it. The funny/sick thing is that he knows I want to feel safe and secure, but he does his best to undermine it, and my self confidence...and completely doesn't fully grasp that if I leave he'll be up the creek w/o a paddle. Nobody will be there to watch his kids at night so they'll have to stay with their mom all week, and him on the weekend..which will p*ss her off too. It's like, why can't they both realize that w/o me their lives will be worse?
Anyways, I do not want to be with someone so cruel and callous. He says it's me and that I treat him bad because I yell and 'cause these problems.' But, I feel that he knows he's a jerk and is steamrolling me on every topic from a thru z--but he isn't going to stop. My goal now is to get myself in order, get a place and get gone.
Thank you for what you said...you're always so helpful and know exactly what I'm going through.
LilT
First of all, you're not there to make their lives easier. You're supposed to be there because you WANT to be there.
Secondly, is this the kind of relationship that you want? How's it working for you so far? What is your gut telling you about this relationship?
Yeah, that's the sense I get:
I feel like your BF does these things on purpose to destabilize you. Guys like this think that keeping a woman in a weak position is how they will keep her. But why would anyone want to keep a relationship that's based on cutting the other person down and trying to make her stay out of fear or desperation?
He's betting that if you feel unstable, you'll be too unsure of yourself to leave. And the way he does it is by constantly cutting you down and berating you, belittling your point of view, and making everything your fault, and nothing his fault. That's abuse.
I'm glad you think I'm helpful, Lil-T. Sadly, I'm helpful because I was once in a relationship with a guy who physically abused me, and used to be married to a guy who was a master in verbal and emotional abuse. No more. It's NEVER worth it.
He's playing you. Don't let him.
HUGS!!
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
His comment about 'not
His comment about 'not cheating YET'...would be all that I had to hear and I'd be outta there. You need to quit worrying about how to fix this man...and spend the time and energy on getting yourself together and get out of there. Don't wait for 'other people' to find you a job or place to live...you find you a job and place to live, and leave his sorry a$$!
I agree
With Hanny I would have been outta the house so fast if my FH made that comment to me. Like what he is doing a favor for you by not cheating on you. I also agree that is not your job to FIX him. I wasted a lot of time trying to figure this one out with my FH. I have been in counseling with my FH for 7 months now and it is all drama caused by the BM and how we need to deal with it as a couple. And some hurtful things have been said inbetween as well because I certainly have a lot of anger issues which I am working on. As a person though I do not feel that he needs to be "fixed" I love the way that he is, the way that he treats me and we have a good life together. If you are waiting around for him to change you may find yourself waiting for a long time while your life passes you by. Just my 2 cents. If you want to go - go but do it on your own. BTW - he should also be EMBRACING your family and wanting to do things with your family - not staying away from them. Do you want to wind up being divided with your family and going to events without him because he does't want to go?