I have been fighting with fh lately alot. The golf deal from my earlier blog, and the fact that he doesn't listen to me, and rearranges the schedule w/o consulting me. It's been a pretty ugly week. We don't fight around the skids though.
FH has been really hard on them too. He yells at them alot and they don't mind him, but that's nothing new. I still stick up for them when he isn't fair or parenting in a bad way (like switching up rules unfairly w/o telling them).
So last night ss14 had gone with his mom, and ss13 was staying with us/me. I found out about this little schedule change when I got home. The skids were out of the house so I unloaded on fh telling him what a spineless weasel he is to allow bm to change the schedule constantly(which she does) and that he'd better get his priorities in order because I am ready to call it quits! So we went round and round bout how he had supposedly cleared it with me the other day but I don't recall that conversation...I recall him wanting to leave early tomorrow for our vacation. So I was mad that because we were leaving, bm wanted us to have the skids here--which made it very hard to pack/get ready since I always spend my time with them and not do my 'chores'. So FH really made me mad and I left to go tanning.
When I got back, fh had left for work, and ss13 had come home. He was going to go down to his friends house to play. He'd cleared it with his dad, after getting screamed at by fh for not coming home on time, missing dinner, etc. So he says he left me a note, which I figured was him just telling me he was going down the street. So he leaves and I go read the note he left.
It said, "LT, I'm sorry my dad yells at you alot. He yells at me too and it makes me sad. I'm sad that he makes you cry. I love you. Love, ss13"
I was crying when I read that. I couldn't believe he would write that he loves me...I mean we have a great relationship and whatnot but I don't say I love you to him alot and he only says it when I do--which I said he doesn't ever have to say if he doesn't mean it. So that made me cry that he would actually write it in there twice like that. For all my nagging fh about not getting anything for mother's day, this was the nicest thing anyone could ever have given me. I'm keeping it in my wallet to remind me when I'm upset and want to leave fh and give it all up, that there is someone who is counting on me to be there and that I'm actually wanted where I am...and that this is where I am supposed to be.
I never really, really relized that these kids actually love and need me. Sometimes I feel like I'm replaceable with a checkbook and a babysitter, but apparently they really do care that I'm there and I really do mean something to them...they actually do love me.
I won't be thinking of running away anymore. This is where I belong.