Another Dear Abby letter

I saw this letter to Dear Abby in the advice section of my newspaper. I did not agree with her reply to the stepmother that time, but I honestly don't know how to feel about her response to this dad. Here is his letter and her response:

"DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife has been spending every weekend visiting her fiance, who is in prison. It is a five-hour round trip from where she lives, so she stays the night in a hotel due to the long drive. If she has our 6-year-old daughter, "Emma," on the weekend, the child goes with her. My ex knows I don't want Emma in a prison.
The only way I have to prevent my little girl from having to go is to keep her with me every weekend. My wife is supportive, but she is concerned because we never have a night to ourselves. She says we are enabling my ex's poor choices by taking Emma every time my ex wants to shirk her parental responsibility.

Is my wife right? Are we enabling my ex? Is it more important to keep my daughter away from the prison or take my wife out on a date once a month? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. -- DAD IN GEORGIA

DEAR DAD: This is a subject you should discuss with the lawyer who handled your divorce. I seriously doubt that when custody was awarded the judge would have agreed that accompanying her mother to a prison every weekend to visit her fiance is "quality time."

If you and your wife would like to go out on a date, your daughter's presence shouldn't prevent it. Hire a sitter."

I think we can all agree that the little girl's going to the prison is NOT a good idea. I also can see where the SM is coming from. However, I think what's most important is the child's welfare. I also have to wonder why the BM's fiance is in prison.

So I think the dad has a few options. a) he could sue for custody, and it might be the best option, especially if the BM's fiance is in prison for something like child abuse. b) he could take her to court for every weekend visitation, and turn to relatives and friends to babysit his daughter for a few hours once a week if he's financially having a hard time. c) if he can financially swing it, he can hire a sitter for his daughter for a few hours every weekend. d) he can talk to his lawyer and see if there is a way to make it so BM can't have her fiance around her daughter when she has her.

What do you think of Abby's response? What would you suggest to this man?

Anon2009's blog
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I think

I would have suggested as Abby did- sitter's are cheap enough, there's no reason to neglect the wife just because the child is there all the time, the only thing I might add is that if the court order specifies that as mom's time- he might try to change that prior to denying mom's time, just si he doesn't get into trouble himself.

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

I agree with Dear Abby as well,

I wouldn't want my child to do that either. A sitter is a reasonable way to tend to SM's needs and keep his daughters saftey first. Because let's face it, no matter how the kid is, thier saftey is the primary decision to be made. I can't believe it, but I agree with Abby.

I agree

I wouldn't want any child to have to be involved in that. I would love to know what BM's fiance is in jail for. If he's in jail for any abuse of any sort then I think Dad needs to go for full custody.

Abby is right on this one I think.

As a father the writer should have absolutely no doubt IMHO.

There is not a snowballs chance in hell that my daughter would be accompanying my XW to the pokey to see her Fiance.

Not only would my daughter not accompany her mother to prison for these little "family" reunions, my XW would not have any unsupervised time with my daughter. I would have custody and very tightly control any visitation between my XW and my child.

The XW in this situation has by her behavior proven that she has no business with a child. Especially my child.

If I was Dad in Georgia of course.

Best regards,

It depends on the situation.

Obviously, the BM's fiance is a convicted criminal. A lot of it depends on what he was arrested for. That's something I would love to know.

If the fiance was convicted of something very serious, i.e. child abuse, then the dad might get at least 50/50 and the BM might not be allowed (by the court system) to bring her fiance around her daughter.

You are right about the Judge having decisioning power on this.

But, I would spend every dime I have ever earned or will earn bankrupting my XW in court to protect my child. That judge and every applicable appellate court would see me regularly until they made the right decision in this case. Since Judges in the US are elected I would have full page adds running in the judges local paper "This Judge (complete with picture) forces this child (picture of my daughter with her face blurred) to spend time in prison with this convicted criminal (mugshot and rap sheet included) VOTE NO TO JUDGE (DIPSHIT) IN THE NOV ELECTION". I would picket his house, his neighborhood his kids school and make visible his poor decisions every public chance i got. Hell, I would probably go back to school for my JD and run against the judge if his decisions either forced or allowed my child to spend time in prison with a convict.

If I was Dad in Georgia of course.

Best regards,

Bullying? What bullying?

Using my rights to free speech, access to a free press, my right to assemble, appeal legal decisions and protect the best interests of my child is bullying?

If in your world this is bullying then yes Dany, I AM A BULLY.

I may not agree with your perspectives Dany but I absolutely agree with your right to have them and speak your mind.

But for this evening, I have no more energy for this tit for tat. I am going to bed.

See you tomorrow.

Best regards,

you go rags

I want you in my corner!
I would be right there with you if it were my daughter.
sometimes it takes a bully (if that is the word we want to use) to make these courts see the error of their ways. the bm is not always the best choice for a child AND i am a BM and SM!
it is always a pleasure to read your post RAGS!!!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

I am with rags

I dont see how it is bullying to protect your child, and use whatever lengths are necessary to get to that point.

I dont' think it would be

bullying either. It would be a cold ass frickin' day in Hell before I let my kid or Skid go to a PRISON just so BM could see her BF. And for that matter, that the child would ever be allowed anywhere near this person if it was a serious crime.

I'm with ya Rags - all the way!

Rags, can I just say

Rags, can I just say how much I love having your opinion on here? As a guy, I really appreciate your perspective in this microcosm of mostly women.

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

Ditto!

I agree 110%. If I were Dad, there's no chance that this BM would have custody. No way would I want my child around BM's fiance if he's such a bad person!

BMs and felons...

BM took the girls out of school on a Friday, drove 60 miles to a neighboring town, and picked up her boyfriend/penpal right out of prison. He had served 2 years for aggravated robbery. It was the first time they had met...ever. She then promptly moved the guy into her house.

We filed an emergency motion to remove the girls from the home...and the judge said too bad, she's still their mother and can decide who she wants to take around her children and he never committed a crime against a child.

So...my take on it is that if BM is willing to forego visitation to visit her convict, take her up on it for sure.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Tried to do some research on the web

regarding children and visitation in prison. Seems some prisons are limiting visitation to immediate (including minor children) family members only; this is due in part to safety concerns for the children. It's my opinion that a child should never be taken to visit a non-family member who is incarcerated. I think the father in Dear Abby's letter should seek a court injunction prohibiting the mother from taking the child to visit her boyfriend in prison. Can you imagine how traumatic that can be for a child who doesn't understand what's going on?

Sasha-my thoughts exactly.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

For a young child, one young enough (and 6 yr old fits)to still have a bit of growing up when it comes to realizing the difference between fantasy and reality, I can only imagine the views this poor child is coming up with after visiting a prison!

I worked (briefly, very very briefly) at a medium security prison, and it's no place for kids. Even on visitation day.

Rags wins on this one, too. I'd do everything in my power to keep one of my children away from a prison environment.

No way

There is no way that a child should visit a prison unless they're visiting a parent.

I do have to wonder, though, what the guy did. I mean, if it was a violent crime, then there may be a case, but if it's a white collar crime or someone did something stupid like pee on the sidewalk, then I don't see the huge problem. It just depends on the crime and how severe it was.

You're right

But white collar crimes normally fall under the country club federal prisons which still doesn't make it right.

Peeing on the sidewalk will probably land you in jail for 30 days, but I get the point you're making. If it is small time stuff vs big stuff. Most prison sentences are due to felony charges though BUT my county is now making it a felony to sign your kid up to attend school outside of their home district using someone else's address like grandma's. It is all crazy but I'm with all of you that say NOPE!

Just because one opens her legs twice, does not a mother make! ~ ME ~ }:-P

I agree

I was just trying to make a distinction between violent crimes vs. non violent. Not saying any of it is ok, though!

This depends on a lot of things

Did the child have a relationship with the fiance before he went to prison?

What is the fiance in prison for?

For how long?

What does the daughter think about it?

Will BM just willingly give up that time?

Personally, I think SM saying that they "are enabling BM's poor choices" is totally an excuse because she wants alone time with her husband. I understand WHY she feels that way, but I still think it's an excuse.

I also don't think it's so terribly traumatizing for a child to visit someone in prison. It's of course not ideal, but if this girl had a relationship with the fiance, she wanted to visit him, if he is not a child abuser or some other type of violent criminal, and so on, then the dad really should have no right to dictate what BM is doing on her own time.

I don't like it that BM drags SD to parties every weekend and ends up passed out on someone's couch, but it's not abuse or neglect so I can't really do anything about it. Taking a child to a prison visit is not a safety concern. Just because you wouldn't chose to do that, doesn't necessarily make her a bad mom for making that choice. And who knows the circumstances...maybe you would choose to do it?

I agree somewhat

in that I can understand why the SM feels the way she does, but I don't agree with it.

I think a lot of it depends on what the fiance is in prison for. Personally, I don't agree with bringing a child to a prison.

I also think this is something he should discuss with his lawyer. Obviously he has told the BM that he doesn't agree with her bringing the child to the prison so his only other legal option left is to talk to his lawyer and see what the lawyer says. If the lawyer says there is a way he can legally dispute it with BM, then he can and, IMHO, should do so.

I also agree that it's not ideal that BM is bringing your SD to parties and passing out on someone else's couch...but that is much different than taking a child to a prison.

I respectfully disagree

that taking a child to a prison visit is worse than taking a child to a party and passing out and leaving her unsupervised.

Prison visits are daunting to adults with the metal clanging and the rolled barbed wire and such, but once you are inside, it is no different than like a high school cafeteria. Only better supervised!

Again it depends on the circumstances, I just think it can be far more traumatizing to not visit someone that you've developed a bond with, than it is to visit them in a prison. Assuming, again, that they had a bond, he's not a child molester, etc.

As for the SM not wanting the kid there every other weekend, again I understand it, but like you, Anon, I don't agree with putting your foot down about it. My thought on it is that if DH and I had a child together, we'd never get a break from kids, just like EH and I didn't when we were married. One reason DH and I won't have children together... I like my free weekends. But if circumstances came up that we had mine or his kids every weekend, I'd accept it. I'd hire a sitter more than I do now, but I'd accept it!

Best regards,