It's January 27th -- it's been about 35 days...
since the BM left. She told us she would come in and she was supposed to stay from the 13th until the 6th. She left suddenly at 7am on the morning of the 22nd, leaving us stranded with nothing to do for Christmas Day, no plans, no relatives. We managed to fly out to visit family but...but. Always a but. I should be happy that she left, right? Because these kids can't be tainted any longer and I didn't have to physically watch them with her. But my God I needed a break. I needed a break so bad I was crying for one every day. I didn't get a break. What I got was a relative watching the kids so that my husband and I could go out and fight. My anger bubbled over within seconds. I was exhausted.
It was horrible for days and days after we came back from holiday. I couldn't sleep for hours thinking about all the things she had done to piss me off while she was here. Things I couldn't call her on. Things I had no "right" to call her on.
Like their hair. What a silly thing to get upset over, right?
First day I had it all together. I was pleasant, I was not going to let her being there shake up my life. I was going to be strong and sympathetic. I was going to keep showing my step-kids how much I cared and not abandon them emotionally just because she popped in to visit. Things were going to stay the same no matter what.
I walk into my house where she is for visitation and I see them standing together in front of her. Their gorgeous, cheek-long locks have been shaved into a spiky crew-cut. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.
I slammed the door shut and ran into my office. My poor husband, who was feeling his own mix of feelings, came in and saw me bent over the desk, sobbing my eyes out.
She didn't even ask. She's been gone for 12 months and when she comes to see them, she doesn't even ASK me the FIRST day she's here if I would mind if she cut their hair. Of course she didn't...she's their mother, not me. She can do whatever she wants. I was so overcome. I wanted to rip her hair out hair by hair.
It's so much worse with visitation, although this was nothing new...she always came to our house to visit them, the only difference was that she could not stay here overnight anymore.
I had to stop thinking about that, of course. It would just get worse. Everything was bubbling up.
Eventually I had to repeat to myself over and over to let it go. Let it go. Let it go.
So, finally, 35 days after her departure, I'm finally starting to feel okay again.
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Oh Stepmum
I don't really know the extent of your history here, or what the visitation arrangement is. When I met DH, they had joint custody. And SD, then nine had blond hair, as blond as mine, which is naturally so, and I get a few highlights every winter because it turns ashy. But SD's was pretty much blond, very frizzy, bowl cut by BM. SD begged to grow it out and BM said no.
Then I noticed one day that SD had very dark roots (DH's hair is salt and pepper, BM's was blond at one time but is now peroxide bleach blond.) I asked DH, "Is SD's hair DARK?" He didn't know. She was pretty blond as an infant, and he was gone a year and half from 1 and a half to 4. When he came back it was the color it was when I met them, and never seemed to change, except in summer when it got very blond in the "sun."
So then I noticed the roots kept growing out and realized they weren't just dark, but nearly black like DH's hair. OMG. DH told BM to stop coloring SD's hair, and BM claimed she just "highlighted" because it looks better that way. This was a NINE year old girl. What message does that to send to her.
Then one visit, SD came back platinum. REALLY. Solid blond platinum.
DH called BM peeved, but she still professed it was only highlighted.
Fortunately, the principal of SD's school noticed and in their dress code they are not allowed to color their hair. EVEN HIGHLIGHTING it PLATINUM BLOND.
So DH told this to BM, told her to pay to have someone color it back to her real hair color.
SD came home dark brownish black. And BM told DH, "The stylist says that UNFORTUNATELY her hair seems to be getting darker."
GETTING?
It got lighter again in the summer, because the color faded out and those peroxide "highlights" shined back, then turned a lovely green with chlorine.
All through this I just got more and more angry. Angry she wouldn't let a nine year old grow out her hair and get bangs. Angry she was peroxiding her hair, damaging it, as well as making all those remarks about how unfortunate SD's natural color was.
Stepmum, please tell us more about this visitation history. It sure sounds as though you had to put up with a terrible situation.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
OMG
Ok I had to go back and read your blogs and I can't believe I never did before, I am so sorry! Are you serious she is in witness protection? I am a little confused. But it sounds like you guys are in a horrific place with BM and I hate that for you.
Is there any way you at least can get counseling, if not everyone? Because this situation is not your average bear. I would also be unhinged at the haircuts! even though I am sure that was some kind of symbolic thing for her. I will pray for you honey, you have a mightly load there!!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin