I have just returned to this forum after about a year. I also still have to contend with a BM that is schizophrenic and thus my DH's two step-sons (7 and 9) live with us full time. I am practically dying everyday a little bit because although both of my SS's are great, I don't feel the way I -should- feel towards them despite being the major figure in their lives for the last 6 years. It's partially because of BM, of course. I know that at some point she will get custody or visitation with/of them, either because she is "fixed" and on meds or because the boys are finally old enough to go to visit her by themselves and we no longer have any control over whether they go or not. This alone has made me back off so much from being emotionally invested in them. I can't stand it, either. I feel like giving the boys the love they deserve but I only feel resentment half the time and a gnawing sense that I'm wasting my life away taking care of them. They are so loud and obnoxious sometimes and it's so difficult to feel love for someone who is annoying half the time. I also finding myself having almost zero patience with them, generally. I don't understand how parents can view a child with a sense of awe when the kids are acting like complete dipwads. Not that my husband does, he recognizes when the kids are acting as such but I have seen it on other people's faces before. I feel like something is missing from this equation. I think in some ways I just wasn't made to be a mother, like I don't seem to have the instincts or patience that go along with it -- I find other people's kids to be annoying as well but usually to a lesser degree. When I see myself with a family member, however, it's completely different, such as with my 3 year old little brother -- I swell up with love for him. I just wish I had the opportunity to let myself loosen up and maybe love them a little more without feeling like I'm stealing something from the BM or setting myself up for a whole lotta pain later.