What do you think?
I am asking my fellow stepmonsters/witches 
what do you think your roll in your stepchildren's life is? My stepson's "Crazy" as we affectionately refer to her as tells my husband all the time that I have NO say in my stepson's disapline, physician visits, daycare/school issues, absolutely nothing! Well I beg to differ...if I am driving 70 miles round trip to pick up/drop up 3 times a week; take the time to take him to get shoes- usually 2 pair because she is notorious for keeping the things that we have provided; take the time to get his haircut on a regular basis; get him a coat each winter (there again 2 are required); take him to the doctor in August for his 3 year old check up and shots when he turned 3 in March and she took him to the doctor 7 times for a runny nose and ear wax- she smokes in her low rent apartment and car with him in there; writing a check everyother week for daycare- sometimes keeping up her part of it because my husband can't remember; and shelling out BIG bucks for an attorney- I think that I have every right to open my mouth when she is acting like an ass. Oh yeah and did I mention that I now participate in counseling everyother week and I didn't do anything cool to get there like shave my head while the nation watched! 
Just curious on your guy's thoughts and feelings...
- Dealing_with_Drama's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I think we do
I do try and take a back seat just becuz I don't want to deal though. My H says SD9 is my daughter too, I have to help him with her....including discipline. I have tried time and time again to say she is not my child! My H is the opposite of most of the H people talk about here. My H always backs me up and is even stricter with SD9 than I am. We have set rules for our family (SD is no different) EVERYONE must follow. He often tells me that I need to be harder on SD, that he believes ALL the children must be treated the same. Which I also believe. However, I do want him to handle most of the discipline since I am always the scapegoat....SD lies and blames me for everything. My H always defends me (against the lies)when SDs BM calls about the stories SD has told. The only problem we have or arguements is about how SD treats me. Although she isn't nearly as bad as some kids on here, but H says "I am trying, I don't know how to get her to respect you" I know he is trying but I don't know what to do either. My H will spend 15 mins or more yelling at her EVERYTIME she disrespects me or trys to argue with me. We are at a loss.
SP should have a say, it is our lives, homes and we have children that suffer from skids too.
I think you are driving yourself crazy!!
So.... If you are so involved in these kids lives who is telling you to keep quiet? So...either you can be a doormat or a respected stepmom and wife....I say BUCK up and stick your antlers in someones ass!!
It would really do no good to confront the bm, but if dh isn't standing up for you and the child then...he can be in charge of all the extras you do for their kids....
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
I think I have a positive role in their lives
I will never be their mom. Granted, I am a better person than her. But my SDs have come to realize that I'm there for them. Their mom pawns them off to others on her EOW visits and doesn't give them the time of day. She never returns their calls or emails. DH and I both discipline- the kids know I'm not out to replace their mother but it's my house, I pay the bills with their dad so I have the right to make sure the house rules are followed and be treated with respect. We do things as a family- vacations, day trips, etc. I never thought we'd get to a place where that would be possible, but we did. I never thought I'd get to a place where I could honestly say I like my SDs, but I have.
I think you're taking a step in the right direction by going to counseling (is SS going too?). The SDs are flourishing in school and have great friends because they're in a much more loving, stable, drug-free, PAS-free, emotional-abuse-free, and safe environment here. The environment they were in at BM's was awful. I hope that the transformation that happened for my SDs due to the change in custody happens for your SS for the same reason.
stepwitch hit the nail on the head
If you are doing all this (and I know you are because I was doing the same thing) and not getting respect and appreciation - stop now. I hate to sound cold - but I did it for four years, I provided time, money and emotions while BM dished out nothing. She spent her money on herself, partying and paying her new man's child support to keep him out of jail. I said that's it. No more money from me - I love my ss but sd is so hateful and disrepectful that I felt like a fool handing my money over to her - and I really felt like a fool becuase BM made it clear that she would spend her money as she like because she just knew I would provide for the skids - she paid her new man's cs to get him out of jail while her kids needed school clothes - her comment to a mutual friend "Oh I don't gotta put out no money for the kids - Razamond gets them their school clothes every year. HA ha ha". No more - if she can pay for someone else's kids she can pay for her own! And I felt like H was just as bad because he did not require her to do anything - did not hold her accountable. To me that was like he was basically saying the same thing - no more. Now I pay half the household bills and that is ALL.
we have a "crazy" too
and like u, according to crazy, i have NO rite being in my SD's life AND shes even told me to get my "hands off her f'in kid!" so i feel ya. its tough dealing w a crazy.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
its so hard
when the BM acts like that. We affectionately refer to ours as "DA" (dumba@@) She lives up to it. At some point you have to draw a line and stand behind it. You are the only one who knows where that line will need to be.
The way we have coped is simple...DH deals with BM on any issues that she gets irate about (and she may not realize it but she is in escense dealing with me too because DH and I have already talked) We do not discuss our lives with her, only what is pertanent to the kids that she needs to know. I do discipline, I do set rules, I do treat my home as my home...and DH backs me up (although the BIG discipline is left to him, I stay out of the bad guy role when I can). We have figured out what works for us. We know the things that we can approach her with, and the things that we just have to try our best to lead by example with the kids.
Dont let it get to you...does it really matter what she says? When it comes down to it, she can run her mouth all she wants, but she is not who counts. Keep doing what is best for that little boy and remember that kids are smart, and he will see what you do.
Thanks
My SS spent all of last weekend in trouble. Monday morning when I was getting him ready to go back, he looks at me and gives me the biggest hug and says, "I don't want to go back."
It broke my heart that all he wants is a little structure and she spoils him, letting him get away with murder! How sad!
"What you do to children; they will do to society." ~Karl Menninger
oh I know..
my skids do the same.. they ask "will we be here tomorrow night?" and I hate saying no for the look on thier faces. A little structure, love, and respect go miles for kids... lol I am crossing my fingers that it holds true for the teen years!
No Role
We tolerate each other-I came on the scene too late and overprotective Daddykins prefers all the adoration between SS and himself.
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
Why is the stepmoms position
Why is the stepmoms position in the family so low? and who is the BM to tell us we have no position in the child's life.
If an Aunt does the same thing we do, it would be respected, "She's your Aunt..respect and listen to her" even a Nanny or Grandmother.
I think StepMoms, should step up to the plate, I know its really up to the H or BF ..to help you get that respect and authority. I know that, and without that, your just banging your head against the wall.
I've told BM more then once when she told me it was none of my business She is the Mother. Im nothing. "Well Im his STEPMOM..SS is my business, he is my family now.."
I dont want to be his Mom...God knows! but dame if Ill let her tell me, that a stepmom is nothing...she can turn blue in the face. I dont give a shit Im the kids STEPMOM. I do alot for this kid and I wont let her make me feel like less of a person, Ill open my mouth when she is an ass.
example.. my ss at 12 years old had high cholestrol..still does. skinny kid too. .I had a major blowup...BM feeds him so much crap and it was confirmed for me.I would find his lunch box with bags of different chips.
I called BM and sent her an email...WTF are you doing? Feed this kid right..She started back it was not my son...I told her yeah..but Im his stepmom..I feed him healthy here,, and I want to know why your doing this to him.
Yeah
BM husband, .well he walks on water,,,he's rich, drives fancy cars..blah blah
Wait till the day BM doesnt need his money anymore.....
Sparents are equity parents with the BIOs IMHO.
I know of no other way for it to work as well as possible. When the Skids are in your home or consuming your family resources then you are an equity parent. You may not do the interface with your BIOCounterpart or the Courts but you should be involved in all discussions regarding your Skids.
If we are not equity parents with the Bio's then we are just a pay check and free child care.
If I am contributing resources and my time then I will be treated as an equity parent. The Courts don't think so but neither my wife nor BioDad even combined could provide the life that my SS is living without me.
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards,
I don't speak to the BioDad or his family unless it gets bad.
But, I am involved in every discussion. I speak to my spouse and she incorporates my input in to her decision. She does not always agree or even incorporate my input in her decision but I am always involved. Sometimes I put my foot down and say "this is what we WILL do". Not often do I have to play the "because I said so" card but sometimes I am the only one on both sides of my son's (SS's) bio family that is far enough removed from the Drama to make a decision on what is in his best interest.
I of course have to make sure that there is enough kibble in the dog house for both the dog and I (figuratively of course, we don't have a dog) when I have to put my foot down but invariably my wife eventually thanks me for making the decision even when often my decision is not immediately popular.
Only when the PaternalBioFamily/Dad is getting completely out of control do I have to speak to them. When that happens I just get on the other phone and inform the idiots that the conversation is over until they can understand that they will not speak to my wife that way and if they have a problem with that message any further conversation can be either with me or our attorney. CLICK!
When they call back if they rant ....... CLICK! All they hear is CLICK until they are pleasant when I pick up the phone.
So, I think it can work that way in real life it just takes a very close and dedicated relationship between the spouses for it to work. If the Bio-Spouse in the blended family will not allow the Step-Spouse to participate then the marriage is likely doomed in my opinion. The Step-Spouse may never speak directly to the Xspouse/biodonor but the Step-Spouse can be involved in every discussion and decision regarding the SKids by virtue of the partnership with the Bio-Spouse.
At least that is what I am seeing through he haze of what I am smoking today!
Best regards,
That's what I do too
even though DH and I have custody. We do a much better job of keeping her in the loop about skid events and happenings than she did for us. About schooling and major skid decisions, DH tries to work with BM, only for her to disengage because she's not interested and she doesn't like that I have any say at all in how her kids are raised. But before he discusses it with BM, he talks to me first and seeks my input. Then he makes his final decision. DH basically told her it's too bad she can't be an adult for the kids' sake and it's too bad she doesn't like the fact that I do have a say in how her kids are raised. Um, they live in my house, why should I not have a say? It's DH who pays for their trips (the child support she owes us is not anything like what we had to pay her), school stuff, medical stuff, etc. and that $$$ is coming out of my pocket too. I cook for them 26 nights a month, I buy them groceries, I pay the bills, I buy them clothes, I make sure they're in a secure environment, that they spend time with their dad, do transportation for them, etc. HE** yeah SM is going to have a say in how our kids are raised, DH told BM
...DH pointed out all those things that I do for the kids out to BM when telling her tough luck!
You sound like a great guy, your SS and wife are lucky to have you! You are a much bigger person than me! If I ever had to speak to my skids BM I'd let her have it. I admire you for being able to speak to your SS's biodad.
"if we are not equity parents...
then we are just a paycheck and free child care."
EXACTLY. so many of us are JUST THAT. to DH, BM, the skids or ALL OF THE ABOVE. thats the problem.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
rags ur rite
in theory...too bad it doenst happen in practice. i know BM would NEVER allow me to be a part of any discussion about her kid. i have no place.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Sounds Familiar
I can't say I have a problem with BM because there is none. She died when the skids were a year old. Regardless, SD15 is influenced by her "friends." DH lets her get away with everything. I think my DH taught SD15 to disrespect me because he will tell me that I'm stupid right in front of her (SS15 sticks up for me, though). I'm the only mom they've ever known and I told DH I really need to get respect. He says he knows but then says he doesn't know what to tell SD15. He says he can't make her respect me. What? I've been around since the skids were 5 years old, and he can't make her respect me? Every time I tell him that he doesn't try hard enough he gets very angry. It just got worse as the years went on.
The sad thing is, the BM and DH were divorced when they had a fling that ended up with the twins. They married on a whim and 2 months later DH filed for divorce (turned out she was married 3x before that). That was about 3 years before the twins were conceived.
BM was zapped out on drugs, running with a different guy every night, or so I was told. DH had her committed. Her family disowned her (they had money and thought she married beneath them) so she still lived under DH's care. I do respect the fact that he did that for her.
DH told me about 3 years into this she came home from rehab clean and sober and they had a fling. Previously BM told him she couldn't get pregnant so they never used contraceptives.
After the twins were born she went back to her old drug habits. In fact, he said she was drunk when she was carrying one of them and dropped it (I can only guess which one). It was the following year that she died and left him alone with the twins.
Anyway, when we started dating and eventually married, he said I was their mother. He referred to their BM by her first name and the skids called me, Mom. I went to school meetings, music recitals, dance recitals, and paid for music and dance lessons, baseball, etc. Now I feel like I'm getting crapped on by SD15 and DH doesn't seem to care.
He tries to make everything my fault. It upsets me and I tell him so. I ask why he can't take the blame for anything. Since the episode on Xmas Eve, I've disengaged from SD15. I get no respect from her so why should I even acknowledge her. SS15, on the other hand, is wonderful.
I finally put my foot down and told DH that I do not want that little brat daughter of his to use any of my things. He told her to use my coffee mug the other day because the other three that were in her school bag were too dirty from mold. I told him I wanted that mug back that afternoon. When he got it from SS15, she gave him the other three mugs. Guess who had to wash them. I also told him I am not giving her anything for a sweet 16 birthday. My SS15, who is my son as far as I'm concerned, will get a nice 16th birthday gift.
Anyway, good luck with your issues. I hope yours get resolved.
You have every right to open your mouth and say something and he should respect your right to say it.
“When all else fails, get a dog.”
Not my real mom
Arent both kids your children?. There mother passed away, you raised them since they were 5. they call you Mom. Why has the girl become your "that little brat daughter of his" and and SS is "my son as far as Im concerned."
It sounds like you are dividing them?
Teenager can be the biggest pain in the necks and especially girls, they go thru alot. Maybe the girl is feeling your rejection.
My role is as a cool friend
I don't see SD16 very often because she lives 3 states away but when we get together we have a pretty good time. AND most importantly when she is here my FH makes sure she picks up after herself etc so I don't have to say a word. So i have it way better then most people here because we don't have her very often.