Ok so I tried to talk to DH and this is what he had for a response!
Ok so im going to put the response from him regarding the Guilt parenting that he is doing that I mentioned to him and you guys tell me what you think!
"i read the letter and i agree with what it says. but i still think it will help both of us if we were to try to comunicate a little more with SD. i am not asking you try to be her mom. i am just asking for you to be like a freind. i want her to be able to go to for anything and not be afraid to ask you anything. we want to be a family we need to act like one. both of us with both kids. now if i am wrong let me know."""
Ok this is what he writes he claims that SD is afraid of me. Now i dont think thats its fear I think its respect. Im constantly on top of my son about being neat and not leaving his things hanging around or anything. Unlike SD she changes her clothes and leaves the ones that she had on thrown all over the place and expects someone else to pick it up and of course daddy dearest is to the rescue. I dont want my son to depend on a woman i want my son to do for hiself. Please if im wrong someone tell me.
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I get some of the same comments
I have talked to DH re guilt parenting too-this is what I got
Apparently my 6'1, 165 pound 16 year old SS is "afraid" of me too (5'1-petite woman) I found that funny!
DH says he can tell SS doesn't like me because, YES you read this right, "I BRING STRUCTURE INTO HIS LIFE" :jawdrop:
Now isn't that the most abusive Stepmom you have ever heard of!!
When I am home with SS he does as he is told (whines to Daddy after)and I do not ask much (pick up after yourself, bath once in awhile-respect other peoples boundaries, say please and thank you).
SS has started to make his own lunches (one of my awful rules)-he lumbers into the dining room this morning and says to his father.
"Pick up some cans of coke for my lunches"
his father looks at SS lovingly and turns to me and says
Awwwwww a request from wonderful SS :sick:
I say loud enough -HMMMM I guess he doesn't have to say please, or thank-you (this makes me evil apparently }:)
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
Omg I dont know what to do
Omg I dont know what to do anymore its so frustrating having to deal with all this. I dont know what to do to make it work. Doi fake it and act like everything is ok. I refuse to try and be all sweet to SD when she is the one who is acting up or doing the sneaky little things that she does. I really need help I love DH so much. Hes the sweetest and most caring person i have ever met but when it comes to this there is such a problem....
I Love it!
Combo of psychological warefare and disengaging
I NEVER take anything for face value when we are dealing with SS-there is always some "angle" to it and I can pretty much count on the other shoe to drop and me to look like the bad guy!
Other than that life is just peachy!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
Yepper
"Seems that whenever BF is displeased with me, skids develop halos."
This saying is sooo true, Crayon...I feel exactly the same way..Thank you for pointing it out so well...
Oh Dear God! Don't ya just love it?
I was told by DH that my youngest SD was afraid of me, too. But then again, she's like a freakin' chihuahua who jumps at the sight of her own shadow!
The funniest thing is, that I'm a teacher for cripes' sake! I used to teach kindergarten. Now I teach 5th grade CCD classes (Catholic school religion). And my school kids LOVE me!
So I told DH, "Yeah, I'm super big and scary. I beat kids all the time. That's why I've been teaching them my whole life."
He FINALLY got a clue.
The problem with these kids, who like to say they are AFRAID of us, is that we give them BIG SCARY RULES. I'm guessing most of us are pretty cut-and-dry. "Here are the rules- follow them. Period."
And when they are used a life of no rules and no consequences (such as life at BMs house) yes, I do think that IS scary for them. A STRONG, CONFIDENT, CAPABLE woman figure is definitely something that is scary and new to them!
I know for my SD, I was the FIRST strong female role model she had ever encountered outside of school. Her BM is a wimpy, sing-songy, victim-type, totally incapable person. BLEEEECHHH :sick:
And in comparison, I must have looked like a drill sargeant to her.
But eventually, she realized that I never needed to raise my voice, I never threatened, I never beat her (now, our little inside joke!), and she could ALWAYS count on me to be there for her.
So, your DH needs to get over the SDs excuse of "I'm afraid of big, bad Stepmom!". It's clearly not YOU she's afraid of- it's the structure and the rules that she is fearing. And he needs to stop playing into that right away!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Life with no rules
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Just an observation. The last time I was at BM's house was last week-had to pickup H's dog for him. BM was out in the front yard, raking a huge pile of leaves. SD17 & SD13 come bouncing out of the house, free as birds.
When my son lived w/me, we did two yards-my folks and mine. He did our yard, I did my folks' yard. He painted the living room, and the bathroom. He did his own laundry. While I did do the cooking, if we grilled, he did the grilling. And he worked or went to school full time. If it snowed, he did all the shoveling.
WTF??? It doesn't make sense. None at all. Entitlement.
My
Poor little SS Zippy is "afraid of" "doesn't like" any adult authority who has rules, boundaries or structure.
Before SS Mom disengaged from parenting all together she ruled SS with an iron fist-Zippy used to call his dad weeping to come and get him out of that horrible environment the 50% of the time she had him (so he could go to Daddy's to be worshipped and play video games 24/7, going to bed when he wanted, eating whatever he wanted, and molly coddled to death.
Treating your bio kid like this really makes him likeable-NOT
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!