Oh the choices a BM has to make, LOL...
This weekend we had to take SD to get more gear for her cheerleading. 3 Grrrrs. First Grrr is b/c both F and I feel that these special sneakers, shorts, etc should come out of the almost 1K a month that F pays BM for child support for 1 kid but if he tries to say that, BM throws a fit and tells SD that she can’t do any activity he wont’ pay for b/c he’s a cheap bastard. So okay, we’re paying. The second Grr is b/c we’re currently in the process of trying to get custody of SD, and if we do, she’ll be changing schools, so all this money is out the window, b/c she wont’ be using the stuff anyway. The third GRRR is b/c this is an activity that both her father and I take issue with and BM is ALL about it. SD enjoys it b/c she’s part of a competitive team and we’re okay with that, but BM wants her to be a CHEERLEADER in the sense of the stereotype. Last year, when SD was still in intermediate school, it was okay. Some of her friends were on the team, and that gave her people to hang around with that we approved of, normal 13 yr old girls, not the hair dyed, short skirt football playing “popular” girls. SD told us often “oh that girl slept with those two guys,” “that girl hooked up with half the soccer team” etc etc. These girls are 13/14 yrs old, and I'm sorry, but we want other things for SD....
Now it’s escalated, b/c SD made the varsity high school team. Great for her, except for the fact that none of her friends made it, and now she’s hanging around every day after school and at games with these other girls. Case in point. BM signed SD up for an optional fundraising car wash for the high school team on our day to have her, and demanded we take her. Okay fine, at 8:00 am on my birthday weekend, we took her. When we dropped her off, the coach was there, as were other girls. F and I went shopping and out to a nice lunch on my birthday, but we finished up early, and went back. We came back to a bunch of teenage girls in string bikinis washing perverts cars outside the PGA tour! NO ADULTS in sight or even present. Thank god SD was the only one with the sense enough to keep her clothes on, she was standing all alone out by the road holding a sign and looking miserable. THIS is what BM wants for SD!?!?
SD was practically in tears when she got in the car, saying no one talked to her, and she was alone almost the entire time. BM called not 5 minutes later to interrogate SD about it, yell at her for not trying to talk to the girls, (which DID get SD crying) and then told F that we were supposed to take SD for this ridiculous thing the following weekend, where we had to bring SD to the high school at 8:00am so all the girls could board a bus, then drive 2 hours BEHIND the bus to a football game (SD would not even be cheering mind you) sit there and watch this game while SD sat with the other girls, and then turn around and FOLLOW the bus 2 hours home again. Why? B/c there was no supervision b/c the coaches weren’t going! SD did not want to go, and BM started yelling at her about that, and how if she wants to be accepted by the team, she has to go, etc etc and her father put an end to it and refused to take her, and of course BM screamed at HIM instead, and said there was no way SHE could take her, so eventually BM got someone else to bring SD.
Last year all of SD’s games were on our day to have her, so every Sunday we were up at 8:00 am to get SD to the games, some of which were a good 45 minutes away. BM didn’t even bother to come to the ones that were literally walking distance from her house except once when she showed up for 15 minutes, yelled at SD about something, then left. I know SD appreciated having us there, (we of course stayed to watch her) we took pictures for her of her and her friends, etc. but I mean, it got old for all of us towards the end, EVERY Sunday!
This past weekend BM calls and says this year all of SD’s games are on Saturday mornings, so F has to take her despite the fact that F doesn’t actually pick SD up until 6:00 pm. So F told her he couldn’t take her, b/c he works every Saturday, which BM KNOWS is the reason he doesn’t pick her up until 6:00! So now BM has to choose between getting the amount of $$ she gets now in CS and having to get SD to the games herself, or telling SD she can’t do the cheerleading b/c she can’t be bothered to get her there, OR getting off her fat butt and taking SD herself to the cheerleading which is SO important to BM! LOL…
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Been there and Refused That
SD is 13 and in the 8th gr. When she was still in elementary school DH signed her up for cheerleading at the local park to give her something to do since SS was doing football. This was done with the understanding that when she was in middle school and could try out for the school's team, then she should do so as we would no longer pay for little league cheering.
Well MS rolled around and she didn't make the squad 6th gr. To be expected. We encouraged her to try other activities, but NOOOOOOO she was a cheerleader. So in lieu of the fact that most 6th graders never make the squad DH and I relented and allowed her to cheer at the park that year.
Well, she didn't make the squad for 7th grade either. My guess is because she can be lazy. I've seen her cut corners on cheers DURING a game, so I totally understand her not making the team. Used to coach back in the day and was captain of my squads in a past lifetime. SO, no matter how much I tried to help her and instruct her to get her better, she still half-a$$ed it because "No one else did..." Whatevah. So, she wanted us to pay for little league and our first and final answer was NO!
She got upset and asked BM to pay for it. DH & I didn't mind, because she didn't pay for anything else, not even CS, but if she paid then she took on 100% of expenses as well. SHe did pay and we also made her cart her around when it did not fit our schedule or THEY (bm and SD) had to find alternate transportation.
Now that she is in 8th grade, she wanted to continue little league, since "I'm not going to make the team." Well that attitude doesn't stand with me, because she would never know if she never tried. Anyways, once again BM decided to pay for little league. Not my problem, we just make it clear that she does the ripping and running if we have other plans or whatever.
As far as the other elements and the carwash with the varsity squad. Well let's face it, cheerleader's are the ultimate clique. You are either in or out and the reality is that you can be one of them and still be an outsider. I guess the thing to figure out is how much is she willing to take? THe old girls will continue to treat her like an outsider until she becomes one of them or proves she is worthy to hang out with them. She needs to know her limits for dealing with both them and BM. As far as BM is concerned, she can bite bricks because she is not the one being treated unfairly.
Good Luck with it and I hope you guys can find a resolution that benefits SD and you guys.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
That's the one thing that
That's the one thing that has kept F and I from pitching a fit about this, SD tries her little heart out and doesn't give a damned if the other girls stand around and talk about her, she'll yell at them to move their butts and do what they should be doing. Their team didn't have a captain, but if it did, it was her.
My big fear is that this whole "prove her worthy" thing inteprets sleep with some cool guy go out drinking with them, etc. Being the odd man out isn't easy at any age, and while I'd like to think SD is smarter than that, and has a stronger self image, day to day, that kind of thing can wear you down. SD already comments on the kids in her classes who don't think it's cool to be smart, so they act dumb. She speaks about this negatively now, but who knows what a year of ridicule by the "popular" girls would do to her.
We really want SD to give up the cheerleading and pursue other avenues, though we would never say that to her, it's up to her what she wants. The bottom line though is that due to an injury, SD can't do anything beyond very basic gymnastics, which will prohibit her from any real advanced competition, and she's certainly not going to get a college scholarship or anything with that. I'd rather see her do a sport without so much social baggage, and one that will allow her to do other academic things, like drama and art, which are also big interests of hers, but are NOT supported at BM's house.
When it comes time to apply for college, SD will be better served with a diverse activity list, one dimensional cheerleaders are a dime a dozen, and SD is better than that, but she won't look that way on paper unless something changes....
Thank you for your insight, it's appreciated!
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
Hey Northern,
Another thing to look at is that there are no or very, very FEW scholarships in cheerleading. Even when there are you must be light as a feather, to be a flyer, turn flips and pull a rabbit out of their a$$ :-), you get the picture.
I know of two girls who quit their other sports, volleyball and softball,to FOCUS solely on cheering so they could win competition. Well, they won alright. Their parents spent countless $$$ for gymnastics, camps and competition travel and teams, etc. In fact, one family lost their house to foreclosure because they were paying for cheerleading, but not the mortgage. :-? In the end one went off to community college and dropped out after the 1st semester because it was TOO hard and the other is still at a 4 year institution on her parent's dime. Just not a lot of opportunities for cheerleaders, even professional ones who really get notoriety, but no real pay. Just something to think about.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
Principlist I know, most
Principlist I know, most parents have a distorted view of the availability of sports related scholarships. You have to be pretty much the best a school has ever seen to get a prayer of an opportunity, and in cheerleading, that's even moreso. While she has the drive and determination, like I said, without the gymnastics part, she won't get farther than her high school team. I wouldn't care about it except she's doing it to the exclusion of all else per her mother, and I know from working at colleges myself that such a limited application doesn't bode well. She would be far better served, and I think happier too, joining the art club, the thespian troupe and doing softball or soccer or track, other things she's interested in...
But I'm just the stepmom, I know nothing in the face of BM... :S
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
UGH!!!!
That is a horrible situation for a child to be in.... My guess is that she is only doing the cheerleading thing as a means to seek moms approval and acceptance. Poor thing.
SD starts crying
whenever she starts talking about her mom in terms of approving of her and loving her, so I think it's a pretty safe bet you're right. BM was a cheerleader when she was young (SHOCKER) and was pregnant at 17...
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
I wouldn't like that either... all 3 Grrr's!
I think you're absolutely right, that whole popular/cheerleader environment can be a scary place. I know you can't tell her you want her to quit but maybe make sure she knows it's REALLY okay with you if she does... she might feel like she’ll be letting you down if she quits after you spent the money for all the gear - let her know that you'd rather lose the money than have her continue if she doesn't want to. Tell her you can see why she'd get bored hanging out with those girls, maybe give her the opportunity to have some of her old friends over for a weekend sleepover - keep her connected with the kids you want her to spend time with. It will be interesting to see how BM handles the Saturday schedule - you can bet it won't be by giving up CS money!!
And oh yes, I do understand the frustration of the BM imposed activity schedule! At one point ours had the oldest signed up (back in 7th grade) for a college Japanese class, fencing, football and karate… all of this because “if he doesn’t have this kind of stuff on his application he’ll never make it into an ivy league school”. Of course with all of these activities he had no time to actually do school work and she burned him out so bad that now he just doesn’t give a crap about anything and he’s flunking out of high school. She still talks about the ivy league thing but somehow doesn’t make the connection that while extra curricular activities may be important it might be just a little more important to also have passing grades and a high school diploma!! Okay, my rant for the day is done...thanks!
we have to some degree,
we have to some degree, asking her about other sports and activities she may want to do. At her current school though, it's small and there aren't many options. if she comes and lives with us, there will be MANY other opportunities, she's already looked over the list and picked out the ones she was interested, and cheering was NOT one of them.
Now if only we could make that happen!
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
Hope she gets to live with you!
Sounds like BM pushed her in to the whole cheerleading thing but it sounds like she did enjoy it so much more when she had her own friends with her. SD probably doesn't even want to be friends with those girls because she doesn't like what it takes to be their "friend". She sounds like a pretty normal kid who just wants to have fun. You know a lot of kids want to run around, drink party, sleep with some guy on the team etc. just so they can think they are COOL. As teenagers say WHATEVER! I hope she gets to come and live with you I bet she would be so much happier and it sounds like such a better environment for her at home and in school. I hope that works out for you guys and I'm glad BM didn't get her way with the morning drives to the games. I was laughing so hard when she thought she was going to put that one on you guys.
Thanks Ema, unfortunately I
Thanks Ema, unfortunately I was that kid who did all those running around drinking and and drugging activities, so I KNOW better than most how bad that can be for a young girl.
We just cleaned out all the drawers and a closet in her bedroom at our house (we had stored some stuff there temporarily when we moved in) just to make her feel like there's plenty of room for her. I really hope we can work it out soon. F isn't moving nearly fast enough for me in regards to all this, and it's kind of making me crazy....
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.