Am I wrong? Maybe a little off topic but perhaps not...

A bit of background on me and my mindset about this:
When I was married, my ex and I bought a house together. I brought about 25K from my family into that purchase, so we would have a downpayment. My family is not rich per se, they're just savvy with money and being an only child of an only child, I am lucky enough to have two generations who were able to be generous with me in this way. Also, my parents paid for a very expensive wedding.

My ex and his family contributed nothing to either. I think they might have given us a housewarming gift of a plant. Not that they're not well off themselves, but they were about on par with my family, they just had more kids and thus less resources. I had no problem with that.

Until we got divorced anyway, and he claimed he was entitled to half of the money my family had given us for the house. LEGALLY he was correct, but ethically, it drove me insane. It was the biggest sticking point in the divorce, and I personally ended up getting a bit shafted in the interests of getting my parents and grandparents back ALL the money they had provided.
**************************************************************************
So fast forward to now. I am engaged to a great man and love him and his D very much. he has a good job, and, if it were not for the huge amounts of CS he pays, would actually make a bit more than I do. But that's not the case, and while it is about to be lowered, he still does not have financial resources to do many of the things we want to do, like get married, buy a home, go on vacation, etc.

I just paid for our vacation, the three of us, less than a month ago, and b/c of BM's interference, I already feel like I need another. Thing is, I can afford it, and I would really like to get a couple of my girlfriends together and go for a cruise this spring. Of course my first choice would be to go with F, but a. he doesn't have the money, and b. he only gets about 1/2 the time off that I do, so he can't take a week off each season the way I can.

Of course the responsible thing would be for me to save the money to buy a house, or pay off my car, my only debt. But I honestly don't want to go down that road of homebuying again if the man in question doesn't have at least SOMETHING to bring to the financial table (I already have $$ in the bank for this purpose, and a job that also will help with costs). I also don't want to be the sole owner on it either. So if I'm in this waiting game, why not spend the money on a vacation he wouldn't be that into anyway (not really the cruise type)?

In regards to the vacation I feel guilty, guilty for doing something selfish, guilty for being so extravagant, guilty for leaving him home, all that. I know he doesn't want me to go without him, but I feel like he can't say much about it.

Maybe I should just start paying more than my half of things (I pay 1/2 rent and all groceries and the phone and internet, which actually, at least in the summer, is more than half of the 1/2 rent and utilities that he pays.) but I don't want to do that with the expectation he'll start saving money for things, b/c then any time he spends money on something trivial, I'm going to get angry, and that's not a good dynamic to start in a relationship.

Am I being selfish for wanting something just for myself? I've never done anything like this as an adult, just time away with girlfriends. I try to imagine how I'd feel if the roles were reversed, and I think I might feel bad, like left behind while he went off with his friends spending money b/c I couldn't afford to go with him. I'd still pay for our summer vacation with his daughter too, so it's not like I'm sacrificing our time together as a family for myself but that's not a very big comfort to him when it's like a year away...

Any input is appreciated, even if it's that I'm a jerk for thinking about it...

northernsiren's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Take a vacation!

I don't think you should feel bad at all about wanting to spend time alone with your friends. I've taken trips without my husband and SD, just to be with my friends. I've come back more relaxed, refreshed and ready to handle things better. My husband also takes vacations without me. He just got back from a three day hiking trip with his buddies. He was glad to see me. I think it makes us appreciate each other more. I take more vacations than he does. I go visit my family, which I know he doesn't enjoy. I don't feel guilty. He would much rather be at home than to have to deal with my family. Trust me, the feeling is mutual. He takes SD with him when he visits his family. I enjoy my time alone too. I don't think you should feel the least bit guilty either. Enjoy your time with your friends.

I suspect it would have that

I suspect it would have that same benefit for me as well happy, My F and I both work two jobs, and any time outside of that we spend together. I mean, to the point we go on errands together, everything. I love that, he's my best friend, and things are always better when we're together, but I moved from my circle of friends to be with him, and since then, I'm missing some of that connection, and I feel like time away with old friends would be wonderful, yet I don't think he'll see it that way...

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

I, like you, have money of

I, like you, have money of my own. I came into my marriage w/a house, I have worked at good paying full time jobs all my life. I LOVE to travel. Dh makes about the same, but due to CS and visitation costs, its more like less. My solution to the problem.

We travel. When time and money affords, we go away w/o the skids. Do I feel bad about that.. HELL NO.. does he?? probably. Does he complain.. Nope! So. w/that.. if you can afford it.. take you and dh away..

It's the time off too

It's the time off too though, I get 4 wks, he gets two. Between the little things that come up, long weekends and whatnot, he can really only do one week long vacation per year, whereas I get three, plus all those little days here and there, PLUS unlimited sick time, so I never have to tap into that time for anything other than VACATION.

I mean I could take it and go stay with my family, it's not too far away (MA), and I know they'd love to have me, but well, sleeping in your childhood bedroom AIN'T a cruise with your friends, no matter how you cut it... (they do have a pool at least!)

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

Sounds OK to me.

Siren,

We (my Lovely Bride of 14yrs) have always taken the stance that we build our life together but we each can have "Me" time when necessary and can have aspects of our lives that are "ours" alone. We regularly spend some time apart. She travels to visit friends and family, I travel to visit friends and family and we travel to spend time with mutual friends and family. Don't get me wrong, infidelity is not tolerable or an option for either one of us. But, we do respect each other enough to allow alone time and friendships that are not entirely encompassed by the marriage. I know her friends and she knows mine. Some have become our friends, others are primarily our individual friends.

Her family tolerates me as we have very little in common besides their daughter but I do make it a point to travel with my wife to see them periodically though not nearly as often as she goes. My family would have issues if I showed up without my wife. She is fully integrated in to the Rags clan as is my SS. Even my pre-wife friends give me crap when I pop in for a visit without her. Yes, I am a very lucky man and she is my soul mate. Hopefully she will continue to tolerate me.

If I was you I would be hesitant to obtain papers with a SO that has issues with you having alone time or a vacation with the "girls" occasionally. Of course the same applies to you.

As far as the down payment on the house, get it in writing that you will be repaid the principal with interest equal to the market growth of the home when it sells and that that money will not be included in marital assets. It is my understanding (I am not a legal professional) that the growth on the money is a joint asset. Basically this would be a pre-nup ..... I think. See above disclaimer.

In my first marriage my XW and I were given a significant sum of money when she graduated from college. The money was the balance of the investments my XIL's made to cover her college education. Some of the money was used as a down payment on a house. When she filed for divorce in order to run off with her geriatric Fortune 500 executive boy friend she asked and I made it a point for that money to be replaced out of marital assets. Then she got goofy on me and attempted to go for half of everything while selectively considering some things off of the table. At that point I told her all bets were off and EVERYTHING would go in the pot for the judge to decide who gets what. She backed off since she considered far more than half of our assets as hers. She was after 50% of what was left after she took what she wanted. I had to draw the line somewhere.

Be careful about not blending incomes, that can create problems too IMHO. It is a fine balance but for sure you do not want to jeopardize your financial security by tying your star to someone who cannot manage money.

Just my thoughts.

Good luck and best regards,

Rags--thank you for sharing

Rags--thank you for sharing your thoughts, i wish my ex had been a stand up guy like you, probably wouldn't be so jaded now in terms of needing to protect myself financially.

I wouldn't have a problem at all with him taking off to go camping or hiking with the boys for a weekend. I've told him as much, numerous times. He just won't do it. Part of it is that he works 6 days a week and I'm sure you can gather, NEEDS the money, so it's hard for him to justify both time away from me and the loss of income, plus he'd miss out on seeing SD, so that's another negative.

I guess some of the reality of this situation is hitting me. I work two jobs, not b/c I have to to make the bills, but to afford all the extras I like. I enjoy being able to spend money on things I like, I don't want to have to choose between paying my bills and things I find enjoyable. Unfortunately, I'm finding myself having to pay his way for these things too, and I can even tolerate that, this isn't the first time I've found myself financially helping out a guy, but HE ends up feeling guilty and bad about it, like he's not being the man, so it's like I can't win. I leave him home b/c he can't afford it, he gets sad, I bring him, and he feels guilty b/c I'm paying, and he gets sad. I guess the alternative is I sit home too, then I'M sad, LOL....

Thank you for listening

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

vickmeister I hear ya, and I

vickmeister I hear ya, and I would feel the exact same way. i would be sad if he left me home b/c I couldn't afford it, but it's not just that, it's the time off too. Believe me, I'd pay his way if it would make a difference, but it's beyond that, plus he feels like he can't tell me what to do with my money, but when it comes to paying his way, it should be saved for a house. Maybe I'm being stupid, but I just don't want to be the only one going into the house with money.

I think a weekend at a hotel might be less irksome to him, I don't know though, he seemed to have a problem with that the last time I mentioned it as well, though he was comparing me going away with my married mother of one roommate from college to him going away with his porn watching alcoholic friend, so I didn't see it as a fair comparision, though I've encouraged him numerous times to go hiking/camping with any of his friends, as long as there's no women involved, it's fine....

thank you for your honest opinion!

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

If you can do it, go

I think if you are not married you can do whatever you want. A cruise can be a big deal though, so maybe just downplay it and don't inadverently rub it in.

Also depending on how much you want to pay for a house, I don't think its bad to have it in your name only. That way you will get out of it what you put in regardless of if anything happens between you.

Congrats on having your financial house in order, I wish I did!!

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

It has to do with my family

It has to do with my family too, I guess my family kind of makes me nuts , my parents are leaving for a cruise in 2 weeks. My grandparents just got back from Africa. I'm constantly hearing about their plans, their trips, looking at their pictures, etc. makes me feel kind of deprived, LOL...

Around here a decent house is about 250K. It's more of a mortgage than I could handle on my own. I mean I do okay, but not that okay, and I don't want to go into it counting on his income to pay it monthly, b/c if he lost his job, or we broke up, I'd be ruined....

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

I think you should go,

but it is a bit of a sticky situation. I totally understand the guilt feeling about taking your own vacation but the reality is your ability to do this is a result of your hard work and good decisions. Go ahead and go, explain to him that you just want a little girl time. He may be a bit jealous but I think that will be mostly because he doesn't get to spend that kind of time with you - maybe plan a little romantic weekend trip with him too? He will start catching up financially at some point and you are DEFINITELY right that you don't want to be in a position of being angry when he is able to (and does) do something a bit frivolous for himself... he will have earned it at that point as well.

My circumstances are very similar, I've been in the same career forever and as a result I own my home, have lots of vacation time and good credit (part luck, part work and part a willingness to put up with crap!). Unfortunately he has all of the usual financial fall-out of a nasty divorce from a crazy person, she even took his business so he had to start over entirely. Sometimes it’s very hard to balance between good for the family and good for me and what is fair financially… but in the end it’s much better for EVERYONE if I stay sane!

semi it seems like there are

semi it seems like there are a lot of women here who have been responsible in the ways you describe, I'm glad to be in good company.

It's one of the things I'm trying to push for if we can revise the custody arrangement. We want to have SD full time, but I also want to clearly define times that she will be with her mom, i.e. EO weekend, a school vacation, etc. so I can plan a nice trip for just us. I love having SD around, but I came into this without children, and I still appreciate my time with just my F, more like my old life used to be...

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

I think you should go with

whatever is most important to you right now. If saving money is, then that should be your choice. If getting away is what you need for sanity, then by all means.....go. Hope that i didn't step on toes with my reply.

Thank you for taking the

Thank you for taking the time, I think I just need to find a happy medium somewhere, in the hopes of making everyone feel comfortable. I've never left him overnight, so perhaps my first time doing this a week away on a cruise isn't the best choice...

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

I was (am) in the same exact spot

as you. I have more $ & own a home----due to his CS, he has very little. I don't feel guilty for spending MY money anyway I want. I usually buy things for the house (that he enjoys) but I WILL NOT PAY ANYTHING FOR ANYONE ELSE'S CHILDREN. The house is in my name & it shall remain that way. My retirement is in my name and will go to my adult children. I earned this. He didn't. I don't feel bad at all & he would be a cad if he did. Since when were women supposed to take care of men? I don't think so. Do NOT mingle funds. Share expenses. He should be very happy that you are not costing him a cent. Focus on that----& take your vacation. I refuse to feel bad about what I have worked hard to get. I love my husband but I won't be taken advantage of. TIGHTPRENUPTIGHTPRENUP

Since when were women

Since when were women supposed to take care of men?

That's a good question Angel, my ex was the same way, I used to get impatient with him for not having money, so I paid his way. I buy EVERYTHING for our home, in terms of decor, when we moved in, I banned his friends from smoking in the house b/c I bought a new living room set, all new drapes and rugs, and we busted our asses painting the place, and I'll be damned if it's going to get all stinky and stained just to accommodate his friends, they can take it outside! I also put down the security desposit and the last month's rent due to some crap with his last landlord (really long story) that prevented him from getting his security back on the last place 8 months ago).

I cosigned a loan for him to get a car b/c his credit would have made the payment ridiculous and he was driving around in an old sh*t box deathtrap which he wouldn't even allow me or his daughter in, b/c it was so bad, so I ended up chauferring us around everywhere, and I got sick of it.

I just kind of feel like I've sunken a lot into "us" and more into our future. I feel like it's not that unfair to ask for something for me, especially with all we're going through with the custody and stress and whatnot, but maybe I'm not being fair....

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

I was (am) in the same exact spot

I got a pre-nup for one reason and one reason only...

If whats mine becomes his.... (in New Zealand law, after you have lived together for 2 years, all property becomes marital property), then that means it also becomes his childrens.

I did not want my bio kids to lose the only inheritance they will ever have to my new husbands children.

Later on in our marriage when we have both contributed more evenly to our financial situation, then we will change our wills to split everything evenly between all the kids.

domestic partners

Karmaqueen we are already domestic partners, I got him benefits through my job by registering him as my domestic partner. I don't have him as my beneficiary though, until we are married, have a child, or buy a home, I don't see any reason for that...

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

Life Insurance

We also took out a life insurance policy for the amount of all his Business and personal debt, plus a little xtra, and made me the policy owner/beneficiary.

You are here

Am I wrong? Maybe a little off topic but perhaps not...

Comments