tell me what's worse: a skid that yells obscenities in your face, or
a skid that 100% ignores you and acts like you don't exist and at times, even acts as if you have some hideous disease that makes his skin crawl?
my weekend this weekend was a heartbreak. went to visit skid at his grandparents before we move next weekend. he wouldn't even look at me. he was rude, he refused to talk to me, would not make eye contact. this is a child who i have tried and tried with. treated with respect, went out of my way for and have had heart to heart talks with. he clearly hates me and i believe this when i say this, wishes i was dead.
i am an easy target. i am the stepparent. i am the one that married his dad and gave him a baby sister. i am the evil person who ruined his life. i am the one who is 'taking his father' far away. he refuses to remember that moving was his father's idea and he is more than welcome to come with us. yet, he is angry with me. me. not his dad or his mom, but me.
what is worse? sometimes i wish he would scream in my face so that we coudl get this shit out in the open. the silence, the tension the unbelievable uncomfortableness is unbearable. if he were to at least scream at me, i could address his concerns. the problem with his behavior is i can't even talk to his dad about it. because DH thinks i am 'imagining things' and 'making things all about me when it should be about him.' DH doesn't see this incidious behavior (it is easy for DH to ignore because it is so passive aggressive), but yet skid knows it hurts me. i feel attacked. but in a way that is so sly and cruel and silent, that i cannot prove it, nor can i defend without looking like i am instigating trouble in an already troubled boy's life.
there is talk that he should move with us someday and live with us. would anyone be surprised to hear me say 'i hope this never ever ever happens?'
i am so emotionally drained today and i don't feel one bit of guilt saying this: i hope it's a very very very very VERY long time before i have to ever be in the same room with him again. he has snubbed me on every level, he has rejected me in every way, and he is blaming me for all the problems in his small, dark and largely self-induced miserable little world. i don't trust him. i feel he has hidden agression toward me and my baby daughter and today, i don't believe i will support any decision for him to move in with us in the future.
maybe i'll feel differently tomorrow. but that is how i feel today.
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Careful what you wish for....
Yelling and screaming would only send you over the edge that you are tip-toeing around. Trust me, enjoy the silence... I can totally understand how you are feeling though...
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
im glad youre moving away
i really think this relationship w ur SS has been toxic on sooo many levels and im glad youre getting away from it. i hope it will bring u some peace. u tried and tried and tried some more and u have no reason to feel bad for the way youre feeling.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
stepwitch, you don't know me
i welcome confrontation. because i know through confrontation, comes resolves - eventually. if not resolve, at least, release. and i need some release. i am a master at discussion, negotiation and compromise, but what skid is pulling i am unfamiliar with and have no experience with. i don't do 'underhanded'. i am upfront. i am a straight shooter. and he is clearly operating on a level that is foreign to me, and therefore i am highly uncomfortable. no worries though, i will figure out how to play this game. now that i finally know what the game is.
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.
I'm glad you are upfront and a straight shooter..
I wish I was more like that in the beginning. I tended to worry about how sd would perseve my presence. It made sence when I was 20, now at 37, I have been able to equip myself with the tools that I now have. I have always been a strong person not scared of anything, except when it came to sd. I really don't completely understand that. Maybe because I didn't want to ripple the water, making dh mad or uncomfortable or didn't was sd talking behind my back to bm, but for whatever it's worth, she and bm did talk behind my back and at times got scolded from dh. That hasn't happened in quite a long time, since I stopped playing all of her games. Geez, sd, really gets under my skin just like a chiggar!!
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
I guess it doesn't make much difference, but
I'm curious about how old he is, and does he have any siblings?
By the way, my SD14 treats me and her father the same way, but I don't care anymore so she gets no response/reaction.
She is well cared for and has everything she needs, so we no longer go out of our way for her in terms of treats and privileges.
She learning that you get back what you put out there. In her case, zilch.
karmaqueen
he is 12, has two younger siblings at home with his mom and stepdad, and his dad and i had a baby girl over a year ago. he is well loved and cared for, gets anything he asks for. i don't know what to do about him anymore.
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.
sorry!
why did i think he was 13...i didnt realize he had kids at home w him...you would never figure that by how he behaves. hmmm.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
13 and just his baby half-sister
hes a spoiled, rude, disgusting, little, privileged PIG of a SS and i cant wait til poor unknown gets the hell away from him.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
What is it with these DH's and the babying?
My DH does it with SD14. I just can't seem to get him to see he is actually FUELING AND FEEDING her bad behaviour instead of dealing with it.
Will all the DH's please repeat after me...
"Guilt parenting does NOT work and will only encourage my children to treat me badly and/or manipulate me. It may also destroy my new relationship thus leaving me sad and alone forever. There is also the possibility that I will beaten about the head with a big heavy frypan for being such a sap!"
At 13 years old
I believe he knows how to play the game. The passive aggressive behaviour forces you into trying to get him to interact with you which gives him power over you.
I'm stumped. Therefore I have used my phone a friend lifeline and asked my DH and BD.
BD17 says: It sounds like he is just looking for a scapegoat and an easy target to take his problems out on.
DH says: I wonder if the BM has something to do with feeding the problem (ya think DH?). Can you talk to the BM and get her to help? Can't the kids father step in and insist you are treated with respect?
Sorry Unknown, I got nothing.
Make it clear to SS that you could not give a cr*p whether he likes you or not. Pack your bags, move and enjoy every peaceful moment of your new life.
Don't expect rational nehavior
Unknown--You can't expect rational behavior from an irrational kid. So give up trying--you'll make yourself crazy.
I know exactly how you feel. You've tried to be there for him, listen, talk, and connect with him. No matter what you do, he hates you--AND let's everyone know it. You are probably not used to being hated and disrespected because you are a decent person. You didn't earn the hate by being a jerk. You can't imagine what you did "wrong."
You did nothing wrong!! Before I disengaged from my toxic skids, I was in the same place. After years of trying and being hated for God-only-knows-what, I came to the conclusion that they were going to hate me regardless, because it's so much easier to rationalize hate toward a stepparent rather than at your own bio parents--where the anger really resides. It's really that simple.
You know you are around a crazy person when you begin to doubt yourself and feel crazy. You can't win in this crazy, irrational game where the rules are set by a 12 year old, so I recommend that you disengage with the stepbrat and set yourself free. *hugs*
thanks
he's coming to stay with us for two weeks. he acts terribly when he's with his grandmother (DH's mother) because he thinks grandma will protect him. protect him from WHAT? rules? expectations? i don't get it. we were in grandma's house when he was acting like this. i think i'll take a page out of cruella's book. when he's in MY house, i can't put up with that disrespect. and i don't care that his grandma will be with him. she's bringing him to our house.
my house, my rules. things HAVE to change. and fast.
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.
when skid completely
ignored me - and when i asked him a question, he ignored me and stared off.... hubby was in another room. grandma was there to witness and she corrected his behavior. BUT...i am willing to put money on this: grandma is probably wracking her brain right now trying to figure out WHAT I DID to skid, to make him act that way.
nothing is ever skid's fault, excuses are made beyond belief to explain his behavior and attitude and no one at any point has stopped to say to themselves...'y'know, he really has a bad attitude.'
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.
Write it off at all costs
My husband is the same way with SD15. Her behavior is never her fault, and he never calls her on it. SD flat out ignores me in my own house, does not speak to me. Frankly, I believe it is better than the constant hostile comments and attitude. So I prefer being ignored to being constantly yelled at and poked and prodded.
Even when I point out that SD's behavior is unacceptable and husband agrees, he immediately does something to reward the negative behavior. In his eyes he's trying to "make up for her being in a bad mood" or whatever. In my eyes he's rewarding the bad mood and making it continue.
We went to counseling and the counselor said husband had to make sure SD was polite and curteous to me and other family members (her two little half-sisters). So now she is SOMETIMES curteous (and sometimes downright surly) to them and completely ignores me. Husband was in the room and prompting SD the entire three times she actually said hello to me. Because of that, he thought she was really getting better and making an effort. I burst his bubble when I told him that was the ONLY three times she had talked to me.
Ignoring
Ignoring is at least quiet. Is there any way to pretend that you don't even notice that he isn't speaking to you?
I know this is bad but I grew up with a lot of siblings, and you can actually kind of get his goat if you ask him questions then answer them yourself like he would, etc. If you really want a reaction that is - but I say, let him sulk and enjoy your new life without him!
Also maybe you could specifically tell him, hey - your dad wanted this move, and you know you are welcome to come, so knock it off! We won't get to see you as much or as easily, so is this how you want to spend this time together?
The visit will end eventually. Don't feel like you have to coddle him thru it. He will get tired of this game and hopefully move forward eventually.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin