i hope someone out there can give me some advice. i am a step mom to a 12 year old SS. I have a 10 month old daughter with my DH. his son has never lived with him but visits every second weekend. my problem is that the dad has so much guilt about his son that when his son visits, there are no rules in the house ie. bedtime hours, personal hygiene, responsibilities like clearing dishes, cleaning up, etc. this bothers me because i (the stepmom) am trying to make a nice home for everyone. i feel i am expected to take care of this boy when he visits but yet when i try to lay down some simple rules or expectations for my SS i am critized and judged as being 'mean to him.' let me assure you: i am NOT mean to this child. in fact, i genuinely like him. but he is very used to being catered to by his dad and his grandma (dad's mother). both his father and his grandmother feel that he (SS) has it so hard over at his mother's house. they feel that he is mistreated by his bio mom and ignored by his step dad (bio mom got remarried and had two more chldren with new husband.) so, in compensation for this 'imaginary abuse' they cater to this child. then, i step in. with rules and expectations. ie. wash your hands, put your dishes in the dishwasher, don't waste food, no cookies in your room at midnight, no internet surfing in the middle of the night and stop pretending like your 10 month old half-sister isn't in the room. my DH and i had a huge fight last night an he accused me of 'not liking' his son. this hurts and i am at my wit's end.

SS is also announcing that he plans to come live with us this fall when he turns 13. he is under the impression that life will be so much better with us. and why wouldn't he think that? when he's with us, he can do pretty much whatever he wants. he likes the arrangement because at home with his bio mom and step dad, he has chores, he has responsibilities and homework, etc. at our house, no one asks him about his homework, he has no repsonsibilities and he can sit on the computer for 12 hours in his room and his dad is ok with it. i am so upset this morning as i am not sure what will happen to us all when he moves in. his dad doesn't back me up and in fact, views me as picking on his son. btw, many people in the family have been accused of picking on this boy. dad and grandma have laid the groundwork for a 'victim' by coddling this child. and this is because they feel bad for him because he's 'caught' between two households: his mothers' and ours. i say enough is enough. this child is not abused at home (his mother is a policewoman and iknow she loves her boy and is doing her best to make sure he has structure in HER household), he has all the material clothes and expensive video games he coudl ask for, he has more choices at 12 years old than i did at 20.

i feel i am up against the dad and the grandma here and i am losing at a losing battle. any advice would be appreciated. should i back off? when he moves in with us, how do i properly raise my little girl in the same environment where another child is getting away with whatever he wants? help!