If you aren't sure.... then you probably don't want to do it. Step-parenting isn't for sissies. And you've gotta be tough. Moreover, you are gonna HAVE to have hubby's support and he's going to HAVE to step up to the plate for this all to work.

First, do not let someone control you in your own home. That is your and your kiddos' "haven" - your "safe zone." Take control of the situation and make it happen for you.

I've said it before and I'll say it again here. Do you realize that you are giving control to a creature who eats his own buggers??? Do not take instructions from kids. They are not good leaders, they can't run a family household, don't hold down jobs, don't pay bills, can't trade stock on Wall Street, and they can't even vote. For God's sake, their brains aren't even through growing yet. Hubby needs to "grow a set" and take control of the situation and of his kids. If he can't, (or won't) then YOU take control. (... "daddy said I could borrow your car..." Are you KIDDING ME! Not many things in my house hold will get a quick removal of a body part as quickly as someone "touching" my car.)

Set some rules, determine consequences, and stick to them. If he still refuses to jump on board, then maybe a suggestion from you that since "Princess Puddin' Puff" doesn't like you, and of course, you - being the good-natured person that you are, certainly don't want to "force her" to like you.... so of course, the best choice might be for "Daddy" and "Princess Puddin' Puff" to stay at Motel 6 during his periods of possession....

Failing the "Motel 6" suggestion, remember two things: (1) Your kids are watching and expecting you to make a good decision. How you defend them, yourself and your home now, could have a huge impact on them later. They need to know they are a priority in your life. (2) You teach people how to treat you. Make sure your husband understands that he needs to make "Princess Puddin' Puff" understand that her behavior is "unacceptable" and will not be tolerated.

BTW, chances are, the better HE treats you, the better his kids will treat you...

Good luck and let us know how it all works out.

Tootsie

"You gonna skin that smoke wagon, ‘er just stand there and bleed?"

Your problem is not the child, it's the father, and you would probably like this child a whole lot more if his father weren't sabotaging your efforts. You have one home and one family with two adults and two children. Both adults have to be on the same page when it comes to parenting those two children equally. That's the goal for everyone in a step family. Some of us come closer to reaching it than others, but all of us have moments when we're in disagreement with one another over parenting issues. It's not always easy. But if he can't back you up 100%, at least in front of the child, then you're setting yourselves up for a whole lot of trouble down the road.

Four and five is young, too young to be able to control their impulses as much as we'd like them to, but they are not too young to be corrected. There's nothing wrong with saying, "There's no whining. Talk to me in a big-boy voice and I will help you." I used this with both of mine at that age and it helped. Neither one of my kids is a picky eater, but there are times when my 4yo is too "busy" to want to sit down and eat. We remove all possible distractions and turn it into a game... eat five bites of chicken, now eat three bits of broccoli, take two sips of juice, take four bites of rice. Most of the time this works for us, but when it doesn't, we have a naughty chair and we use it. There's nothing wrong with that. If you don't teach them while they are young and relatively malleable, then they'll never learn.

We have five altogether: one ours, one mine with my ex that my husband adopted, two his with his ex, one his with his ex and the guy she cheated on him with (long story). When you have that many children with so many different parents and step-parents, you really don't have a choice. You have to correct bad behavior immediately and we just don't have the time or the energy to sort through each kid's own particular parentage before we take action. We'd be there all day calculating... okay, now who's kid are you and which discipline plan are YOU on? We have one plan for all kids, period. We came up with a set of ground rules and punishments/rewards, we agreed to implement those across the board, we communicated our expectations to all children alike, and we stick to the program religiously. Two of the middle kids are ADHD with assorted learning and developmental disabilities, while the oldest and one of the youngest are gifted. You have to meet each child's individual needs, but you have to make sure that there are no mixed messages when it comes to discipline. Otherwise, you end up having hostility between you and BF and later on, hostility between the two kids.

I think I would wait on moving in until you guys have a firm discipline plan in place that everyone will follow. And I would definitely vote against moving in with a man whose child you can't stand, for everyone's sake.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

My son is ADD and has been babyed way to much (yes my fault as well as his dads) but h2b daughter exactly one month younger was never really aloud to be a baby so belive me we have conflict. SD is a doll and very well behaved (she's use to be an only child so we have to bring her down from her high horse now and then but other than that seldom in trouble) and we only have her every other weekend and once a week. On the other hand my son we have all the time except every other weekend so his behavior issues can cause problems between h2b and I a lot. I love this man and his daughter more than I ever dreamed possible but we have issues practicaly daily over my son.

I suggest that you wait on the moving in together. Make sure it is what you want and that you are going to be able to handle it and compromise on the behavior issues. I am pretty sure my h2b second guesses his decision to move in with my 2 boys and I. It is easier to end things if something goes bad if you live in two different homes then together.

Hang in there if you truely love one another you will figure it out. We are day by day.

Believe me things are much harder when a child is 8+, as the way things are, are so ingrained it's hard to change. I think some of our biggest problems when we are BIO as well as Step mums is that we have our way of rules and parenting, and they have theirs. My son was brought up very strictly and most important are his manners and treating adults with respect. Unfortunately SS11 is totally untrained in those areas.

Think good and hard before you make the step to move in and set your boundaries first. If DH doesn't step up to do the discipline according to house rules you have for your little one, are you allowed to step up and take over the situation? You can't have one set of rules for your daughter and a different set for his kid. Talk with Dh and find out what the ground rules will be, if you aren't on the same page before you move in, you never will be. SS being 4 is the best thing on your side as he is to little to be manipulative and if he is, he is not understanding it properly. He will soon adjust to the way things are at your house, just treat them both the same and cross your fingers. Hope you have a good BM!! Good luck!

Catch xx