Ok ladies, I need to bitch for a while....
I know I hardly ever blog anymore, b/c I haven't needed to since SD16 moved back in w/the nutjob. Since Saturday, there have been a few issues I am struggling with and would like some help with.
As I posted in an earlier blog, SD's GP's live around the corner from us, sheer co-incidence, trust me.. anyway, she spends a LOT of time there, b/c nutcase only wants her around at the beginning of the month when the government issues her check. That is the only reason she ever wanted those kids around anyway, for the cash.... Anyway, we haven't seen SD since she moved out in Feb, and DH has only spoken to her a few times.
SD has been at GP's since last Friday. She called DH on Sat & asked if she could come by. I was having a small pool birthday party for my friend and it was all MY friends and some family that know her. DH told her she could come by for a few mins since I was having a party, but then she would have to go. She stayed for hours, eating all the cake and food. I didn't enjoy myself much b/c I did not want her to be there. I asked him repeatedly when she was leaving, he just kept saying I don't know. She eventually left when he did at about 6.....so I brushed it off thinking we would not have to see her again for a while.....how wrong I was. Yesterday, DH gets a call on the way home from work from her inquiring about her vision coverage (she is still covered under our policies). DH decided just to stop by the eye doctor, where she was to give them the info, then leave. This took 2 hrs.....insurance says she isn't covered, blah blah. I personally would have just left and let them deal with it. We are not financially responsible for anything of hers anymore, so why bother. Turns out, BM couldn't be bothered to take SD to get her new glasses, she made her cancer ridden, 80 something y/o, Japanese (doesn't speak english hardly at all) mother to take SD to get them....oh did I mention this lady is super poor. Great BM huh? So, turns out Gma had to pay up front for the glasses and the insurance would reimburse her. Since gma doesn't speak good english, SD conned her into $300 glasses. Gma paid. Poor Gma. DH left and came home. Apparently after SD goes back to Gma's, BM insists that DH file the reimbursement forms for them.....b/c she doesn't have an insurance card. So, SD has to come back down here last night to give DH the claim forms. Stays until I say I am hungry and we leave to go eat. DH dared not ask if she could go (I had a crappy day at work yesterday).
Ok, so today, DH umpires at night for our local ballfield, he starts @ 5:30 and I get off work at 5, so he will take our BS's w/him and I pick them up as soon as I can get there. I called him when I left work and he was on his way to the ballfield. Didn't mention shit about SD. I go to p/u BS's, and then discover she has been in my house since 3 while DH was napping. DH works a split 1st/3rd shift and naps in the afternoon, as do the boys sometimes. They have "quiet" time for about an hour or so while he naps. They always behave, and stay in their rooms....so no danger..... Anyhoo.....she is in my house I find out, boys said she just walked right in and made herself at home and he didn't know she was there until he got up at 4:30. WTF????? I DO NOT want this child in my home, especially while DH is asleep. I don't trust her. Wasn't that long ago, she threatened to kill me in my sleep. Also wasnt that long ago she stood in my kitchen calling me EVERY name in the book and talking about how much she hates me. She has NEVER apologized for either. When she was here Saturday, she never spoke a word to me. Maybe I would feel differently if she had apologized or something. Maybe I just feel this way b/c I have had the worst possible day I can have???? I don't know, but am I wrong to not even want her here? I haven't spoken to DH yet as he wont get home until 9. Believe me, I WILL speak with him about it........I know she is his child, and he has a right to see her, but don't I have a right to not feel violated in my home. She steals things, and lies, I don't want that in my home around my boys.......What do I do.....
Anne? You are usually a voice of much reason....your thoughts???? Cru? Anyone, please.
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Comments
You know what I'm going to say, baby!
There's a little thing called a "dealbreaker" and this chickadee has exhibited more than one behavior that would be dealbreakers for me. She should not be allowed back in your house, supervised or unsupervised, unless or until she is in counseling to deal with whatever made her threaten to kill you. She should not be around your boys and she should not be around you until her therapist has determined she is not a threat to you or them. DH needs to sit down with her, tell her what's what and inform her that she is not welcome in your home or around you and the boys until she has made significant progress in therapy and has apologized and made ammends. Even then, it would require a very long period of heavy supervision before she could even think about earning back anyone's trust. If DH needs to spend time with her in the meantime, he should do it away from the home.
I have a really soft center. I physically hurt when I hear of children being abandoned, abused, neglected or mistreated. It pains me to see children in hopelessly awful situations, knowing I can do nothing about it. That's sort of why I got so gung ho over Madi. But I am also an old-school hardass and I would not tolerate her in my home after she threatened to kill me. I can't even count the number of red flags that raises by itself, let alone all the other crap she's pulled.
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
Yep, I know
I didn't let her in......DH is to blame. Of course, he downplays the "threat". Her own therapist said that it didn't matter if she meant it or not, the words came out of her mouth and she needed to take responsibility for them. Needless to say, she did not want to go back to that therapist. Anyway, I am just unsure about how to approach it with DH. He'll get on his highhorse about how "silly" I am being, etc. You know how they love to defend them.... :?
Thanks, I knew what you were going to say, just needed to hear it I guess!!!!
Tell him...
It's not about her mental instability, real or perceived, it's about your need to feel safe in your own home. Whether you are being "silly" or not doesn't matter. Has he never heard that it's better to be safe, than sorry? It doesn't matter if she meant it or not. She said it, which means the idea is in her head. Whether or not she would follow up on any impulse to kill you, I don't know. HE doesn't know. Her therapist doesn't even know. Only she knows and you certainly can't trust her to tell the truth.
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
So, this actually raises one
So, this actually raises one of my concerns about stepping into this role. When this behavior happens, I would totally not want that kid in my house. I think you have the right to feel safe in your house. At the same time, I think I would feel awful if I had to make him "choose" between me and his kid(s). I know it's not really asking him to choose since he can see them away from the house, but it splits the family up. Although, I guess there's already this big line drawn. I just don't like unhappy endings.
I don't see it that way.
If it were one of my children living in my home who made that kind of threat, then they would be taken to the nearest child psychiatrist for an evaluation. If I couldn't get into one ASAP, then it would be off to the E/R. The child would get evaluated and help would be sought. If you're the NCP, then you may not have access to the kid to get the kid help, so that means you have to get the CP to do it or you have to see the kid in another setting until the issue is somehow resolved. It's heartbreaking, but you only compound the heartbreak if you give an unstable child access to hurt others. How much worse would it be if she actually killed her stepmother or harmed one of her stepsibs? I don't see this as a choice between child and wife. I see this as a choice between getting the child much-needed help and throwing her to the wolves.
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
I did speak with
him and of course, I am making a mountain out of a molehill......I knew this was gonna happen. Just FYI.....she is bipolar and already on meds. She hasnt seen a DR since she went to live w/nutcase....
anyway, he got all self indignant and told me that it was his home and that she is his child and therefore welcome anytime she wants. Normally I would have gone bat shit crazy on his ass, but I refrained largely due to BS's being around. I politely explained to him that this was my home too and as such I should feel comfortable in it. I explained that I want him to visit w/her, just not here, and that perhaps he could take her to a movie or something like that periodically. I also told him that if ANYONE in my family had done/said the things she has, that I would never allow them back into the home w/out some sort of apology to him. I demand respect from everyone.....she this is where he and I differ....I was raised that way, you respect people, always. He wasn't, his parents don't know the meaning of the word. However, DH does respect my family and they love him. I refuse to accept disrespect from his family, so they hate me, including skids.
Ana....I did sort of feel that I was making him chose, but on the other hand, what Anne said was right, I need to put myself and my BS's first. Do I actually think she would ever kill me? Probably not, but I suppose none of the other parents in America felt this way either.
DH did say that he would consider "me" in any future plans for visitation with her. I guess that's all I can really ask for.
I think I like knowing how
I think I like knowing how to argue to get what I want. If I had said, "yes, honey, please change your cell number so your ex will quit texting you." I wouldn't be thinking about being a stepmom. Instead, I tried to be the non-controlling girlfriend. I think I'm over that. Now, we've talked about these kinds of issues over the last few months. He says he will never make a decision without my input, and that I have just as much authority as he does. It helps that the babies are only 6 months old, though. I wouldn't want your sd in my house, either.
To every thing there is a season.