Putting Yourself in Someone Elses Shoes
Hello i am new to this site and have read the rants and raves of the SM section and the posts on the great ex-wives comments. I am both a SM and a BM and have been on the both sides of the stick, dealing with the ex and Being and EX W/children.
I was ready to give up, throw the towel in and leave my current spouse because of the chaos his DREADFUL EX puts us through. I am also an ex-wife from a previous marriage who feels after reading all the Posts that i am too an easygoing ex who wants the best for my kid, but will never stoop so low as to meddling in me ex's life or making it a living hell even though our relationship was so messed up in the past. Everyone should have boundaries put on them at some point when they cannot control their anger against the other, and is putting the innocent children through such turmoil.
I just sat down with my Brother last nite and he threw me some pretty good advice even though he has never had kids or been in the situation.
He said "just imagine you are not the one with the control of your kids well being and the other person is PSYCHO and has your kid" how nice would u be to them if they were in control of the situation"
How much pride and self control would you have to put in your back pocket for the expense of seeing your kid or just to be with them for a day a week?
I think i am just trying to see from my spouses perspective instead of feeling like he's doing everything to please his EX or feel like i dont have control over my life and situation. What would i do or how would i act if i was on his end of the stick.
I guess this post is mainly for the SM's and ladies out their who have felt like giving up on their role as a SM or a current spouse because of a crazy EX wife. I know it can be torture sometimes as i am in the alot of the same predicaments as most of you out there.
But if you really love him and can see a future with him, u can make it through. I feel GOD has given us high tolerance levels for a reason! LOL
Sorry so long.
Had to get this off my chest
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"
"One moment of Anger can lead to a lifetime of regret"
- Rose's blog
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Comments
i agree
with everything you said. however, life and all the relationships it encompasses - is a two way street, always. without the respect, support and mindful involvement of all adults involved, stepmoms (and stepdads) too often take the brunt of it. and i think what you're reading on this site, is the emotional burden and immense amount of pain that stepparents are struggling with each day for the very reasons you have pointed out: for love. but at the end of the day, we must ALSO love ourselves. if we don't, who will? our skids? our guilty hubbies? it's a matter of integrity and boundaries. and it's a fine line that we all walk and when we step too much to eather side, we are harsly judged and criticized. i think the individuals that would benefit the most from putting themselves in someone else's shoes, are the parents of these children. personally, i have worn so many different pair of shoes over the years trying to cater to a skid and BM and guilty BF that putting on my 'own' shoes for a day will be a welcomed and comforting relief...
Most certainly
It would be nice for once to be able to wear my own shoes and not have to worry about offending anyone else in the situation we are in.
I have chosen for the second time to be a SM, in my second relationship, i was a SM for my EX's Daughter for 6 yrs and i was just starting out in life. The best part is even though i split from my ex i still have a good relationship with my ex's Daughter and i feel like i have gained a daughter and still contact her and spend time with her when she's down.
Its almost like the BM kind of gave up fighting and finally moved on with her life, and just when i thought that whole battle was over in my life, and i could live peacefully. i had to start a whole new life again.
i have gained more perspective on the issue and have endured so much from that situation, i feel at this point i can handle almost anything thrown my way. But U always have the feeling creep up on you that u want to give up and just say forget this.
But yes, u must love yourself first, and then u can give love out to others, without loveing yourself, you will never be able to make anyone else happy. Including our kids.
Thank God for this website
I am so glad to find a website where i can vent and actually get a positive response. i have tried other ones, but all i have recieved was critism and people who seem to just like to fight. Hmmmm... maybe those were the ex wives, as i was venting about being a SM.
Well anyways id really like to talk to some cool people that are going through the same thing i am and so far it looks as though i found the right place.
I was looking for anything to keep my mind sain after what the BM has been pulling lately, I just wish she would...... well i shouldnt really say what i am thinking, i mean i just want a normal life, for me and my new little family.
I felt like all that i went through before in my previous relationship, is happening all over again, but i think this BM is ten times worse.
I was on top of the world when the BM from the previous had stopped driving us insane, i felt like Leonardo Dicaprio on the egde of the ship in titanic, screaming "I am the king of the World" if that makes any sense. But how did i allow this again. Will it ever stop for me?
I knew by choosing a guy with another kid, i would have somewhat of the same problems, but this time i thought it would be a little different considering her age and all and that we were all mature adults and somehow convinced myself it would be different.
But if i had dated a guy whose never had any kids, would it make all the difference, and would my son be lonely? either way i think stress would find me and tackle me down. Never a dull moment! :?
I once went on a divorce page on craigslist
and announced that I was the OTHER WOMAN. It was like jumping in a pool of phirannas! Here, we are already black sheep.
This site really is very useful to a rapidly growing demographic, especially as fathers are encouraged to be fathers rather than dropping relationships with their children when their marriage/relationship with BM fails. It is ultimately easier, in most cases for them to be fathers when they have support from us step-moms which as we all know is very tricky.
What I found interesting is that even the SMs who enter the picture years after the divorce are treated much the same as an OTHER WOMAN.
I relate
FYI, I too was the other woman, but only after we were both seperate and living in different places. Thank you, I know now that I am not alone. Its just the way it is, even though according to them, its easier to blame another person for the breakup of the marriage.
"you never leave a happy marriage"
ah the joy (HA) of blended families
no doubt there are some crazy ass ex wives out there, and unfortunately we have to deal with dads (not all mind you)that parent by guilt, and I think some of those dads think we as NEW wives can just deal with it ALL..
I swear if I ever break up with mine i will either stay single or go to a nunnery!!
save me from the madness!!
this is a great and supportive website we all have issues that is why we are here!
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
Hello and welcome...
Your insight is great. I am always trying to slip on other people's shoes attempting to find perspective.
This life is hard and wearing. You are definitely a brave soul for tackling this a second time. I don't think I could ever go thru this again with the knowledge I now have. I have faith that my husband and I are bound for a life long journey, but if that were to not happen....I don't think I would take on another man with children unless they were grown or maybe a widower. Even then....
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
I totally agree. I am not
I totally agree. I am not married to my fiance just yet. You dont know how many times i wanted to "bail" because i figured why should i deal with his baggage. I dont bring that baggage to the relationship other than having custody of my kids. My ex doesnt cause problems like his does. I really do not want the stress. But then, i figured, I will be giving her EXACTLY what she wants. BM wants my fiance to be as miserable as she is. As long as I am in the picture that wont happen. If for some strange reason my ex had custody of our kids and i did not. I do not think i would psycho. I mean really. Why make matters worse. I would be kissing his ass to see the kids. I would do anything for them and I would definently make sure I was there for every beck and call. The more problems you create the more they dont want to have anything to do with you. That is why i do not understand the BM's motives for being so evil.
"Just because you can give birth, doesn't mean you should"
Bet she couldn't put herself
In your thong either Cru!!! LMAO...sorry Rose..Yes, Welcome to our humble helpful site. We all try to stick together and sort the weeds from the flowers!! We hate people making persoal attacks on people who are trying to better their situation and their lives.
But that doesn't mean we don't disagree at times
Catch xx
*The Real Catch 22*
Well, it is Sunday night,
Well, it is Sunday night, just about to go to bed, and we got a phn call from my spouses son. The BM got on the phn and was pretty decent. :jawdrop:
But no less than 5 days ago she was freaking out on my BF. I think i figured her out. She has a curse i tell ya! how can one live the way she does, miserable B**ch. I actually pity her. I will be peaceful, but always stand my ground. I really think it is a curse to live like her. I would never want to be in her shoes.
it is tough to never say anything to her. When i was in my previous marriage, i was always getting into arguments with the BM, but i realize now, saying nothing is so much better. Believe me, they are waiting for u to just say one thing, even if you are just trying to help, they cant wait, so they have something to hold over you or your spouses head. just repeat after me. "Serenity now, Overkill when kids are 18" lol
I wander when the kids grow up, Will i even feel like goin off on her, or will i still try to be the better person, and not stoop to her level, who knows, but until then im saving my breath, until she has no hold over my spouse.
Good night to all!
You know Rose...
I never have and never will meet BM, spoken a word to BM or entertained her Bullshit. I know what she is and what she stands for and under any other circumstances would not make friends with someone like her. Anyone who chooses their social life over their kid or chooses to hold a child to randsome while they eat the childs father (or mother) alive is an unworthy human. And that is our BM.
Leave your BM where she belongs....not taking up the valuable space in your head.
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*