If it was me, I would leave it up to the two of them just because its their child. I only say that because I wouldnt want to make things harder on the situation. I dont know if you get along with her BM or not.. but Im sure whatever they figure out together you wont be left in the dark about it, and you will be made aware of what is going to have to take place.

"Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful."
-Joshua J. Marine

For me, I would not got to my husband and BM's meeting if they had one. That is only because BM wouldn't want me there. It would defeat the purpose and escalate into something that would not be productive. My mere existence enrages her and she wouldn't put any value into what I had to say.

Now for me as a bio-mom. If my ex had a wife that was a constant part of my child's life, I would want her to be there as much as I would expect my current husband to be there. We all want what's best for my children so I would encourage the participation.

So it depends...does BM care if you are there?

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

SD11 (at the time) was being very disrespectful to her BM and lying to both DH and BM and playing them both against each other because she knew they did not communicate well. Finally I suggested to DH that he and BM talk about this without SD around to come up with some understanding between the two of them about how they were going to parent her. I stayed (its my home too) and I participated in the conversation a little. I agree with CG that if you are a constant part of SD's life and you have some responsibility for her then I would stay. How does BM feel about you being there?

~Evil

Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius

definitely depends on your relationship. I would leave this up to BM right now, and later try to engage with her (if you all want that) when it's not crisis related. People get pretty defensive of even the best intended suggestions when it's regarding their kids. Do you H and his ex get along ok? If not then maybe a mediator would help. Don't try to fill that position yourself! You'll never win given your relationship to each other

I know even now that I consider BSs SM a friend, sometimes I just want to talk to the boys' dad about stuff. They (exh and SM) don't agree with each other about their blended kids half the time, so I'm more comfortable dealing with them one on one, then getting caught up in their disagreeing (though it does always remind me why he and I didn't get along!) SM knows we are all friends so she is not worried if exH and I speak alone or anything. I think exH is more worried when SM and I speak without him, but he's learned to put up with it.

Goodluck.
Peace, love, and red wine

but I'd make sure that I'm privy to what went down.
As it is I am finding it very very important for me ask my Boyfriend what's going on with each step, and to ask often, more often than I really want to, just to keep him on top of things. I find myself saying, I've gotta be more annoying to you than not dealing with this thing. I sorta think guys are designed to be constantly prodded.

I've noticed that we really missed out on a lot of things because we were TOO passive in the past. If I did this again I would have talked to a lawyer sooner. It's amazing how many misconceptions there are about so many things. I really think it would be a bit better for all parties concerned, mom, dad, son, and me, stepmom, if we understood things earlier.

with the bio mom? As a BM, I would be okay if my daughter's SM sat in, but kept her comments to herself. Othwerwise I would prefer her not to be there. But she only sees my daughter four days out of the month. So she is not very active in her life. So I would not see a reason for her to be there.

Now, as a ST with full custody of SD, I would DEMAND to be there because I am the primary mom. But that is my situation. I would ask BM how she felt. Explain to her that you care about SD and what is happening and thatyou would like to take an active role in helping. But that you would like to show her the respect as the BM and qill honor her wishes. And whatever is decided, do not take offense. Maybe approaching BM like that will open more lines of communication and help SD get the help she needs.

"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."

DH and I would be the only ones to show up anyway. This actually happened before for a mandatory school meeting of SD's whole class for mean girl issues. SD was at BM's came into school bragging BM wasn't making her come to the stupid meeting. Principal overheard and had SD's teacher call BM personally to tell her she must come, as the meeting was mandatory. BM said they had plans but would try to work it in.

When we got there we walked past the teacher and said, "Are they here?" and she replied, "We'll talk after."

Turns out SD was a main instigator in the mean girl stuff and they were very disappointed that BM lied and said she would try to come, when obviously she had no intention of coming.

This all worked out for us in the end with our custody case, as it was another documented example with unbiased witnesses, of BM's inability to cooperate and collaborate with us for SD's best interest.

Peace, love, and red wine

sd is disrespectful to you and bf. it depends, are you usually there whenever you guys have sd? if you spend almost the same amount of time with sd that bf does...i'd be there - especially since you're one of the parties being disrespected to. if you foresee yourself being with bf in the long run, i'd be there. is sd going to be at this "meeting?"

I am always there, mostly because Hubby can't remember half of what they talk about to tell me later. Most importantly, Hubby wants me at those meetings, so I don't really worry about whether or not she wants me there. Mostly I just sit there and watch her. I think it makes her a self conscious :evil: I only ever talk if Hubby asks me a question or can't remember something. Plus, my presence there keeps her from going all crazy on Hubby, although I don't know if it's because she wants to appear mature in front of me(ha!) or what, but it works, so I just go with it.

As far as discipline, I'm going through the same thing with my SD, being extremely disrespectful and throwing tantrums, etc. I'm lucky in that Hubby won't tolerate them and she ends up in her room with no one to listen to her but herself. As my counseling professor once said to his son "I know you hate me, but you need to go hate me in your room." I also like the idea of taking things away. We usually start with activities that she wants to do, being able to go shopping and going to the games after school, and if that doesn't work she gets grounded to the house (no playing outside) and then things get taken away. So far it works, she gets cut off pretty quickly.