paternity test?

sd is 13, i would like a paternity test. how can i get dh to get one? should i manipulate the kid into wanting one? i think it is unfair to everyone for dh to continue with his secret. bm had a threesome when sd was conceived and bm also had several bar-time sexual partners around the time on conception. sd does not look like dh and dh has very low sperm count.

any advice?

new evil stepmom's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Hmmm...

Have you spoken to DH about this already? What is his feelings on the matter? Is this your suspicion alone?
And onto another side of this story.... what IF this girl is not his biological daughter.... does that mean that she is not his "daughter" after 13 years of loving her? I understand your desire for the truth, but does it change much in the end if the results come back that he is not the father? Think about the pain your DH & SD will face. I am not saying NOT to get the test, but the truth in this situation may only resolve one question.... wether he is her father..... yet create so many more issues. This is a matter that needs to be discussed honestly with your husband.

What doesn't kill you, will make you stronger!

last ex-wife

wanted him to do this and he wouldn't. i understand it would bring more problems, but it would solve the largest problem - the bm taking him back to court every year to fight for custody. bm has taken him back to court every year since sd was 6 yrs old, but has never won. i guess if the courts does not see her fit to have custody, it is up to us to raise her.

I understand

I don't want to say too much about my situation, but suffice it to say that everyone in DHs family thinks this about one of his kids. DH has expressed concern, but his concern comes from the devistation that he would feel knowing that the child isn't his. He wouldn't even think about a PT, because no matter what, he loves all the kids with all his heart, and in the end it wouldn't matter what some test says. He also went through this - was told his dad wasn't his real dad, and it devistated him for quite a while. Unless there is a medical reason, I see no need to do this. It may turn around on you as the bad guy.....

Is it really going to make a difference?

And if so to whom? If your dh isn't concerned that your sd is or isn't his biological child, then why have the test done? In some states, like mine in particular, it will not matter one bit. If your dh has been the acting father since birth, and a pa test determines he is not bio-dad, he is still legally her father, therefore, he has his paternal rights and obligations.

My position is that if it were something that was really important to him, he would have done this 13 years ago. I personally believe it could be really devastating to a 13 year old to suddenly learn that the person she has been calling dad all her life, suddenly learn that he isn't her bio-dad can feel like having the carpet pulled out from underneath her, which doesn't sound like 13 year old agenda to me. Make certain that if you insist on a pa test, that this isn't over your agenda, and that the innocent 13 year old caught in the conflict isn't going to be traumatized.

I definitely think you should avoid manipulating a 13 year old over adult issues. She didn't ask to be born, and she shouldn't be caught in adult issues like this. If you have a burning desire to know the truth, talk to your dh about it, and leave the 13 year old out.

Good Luck,
Candice

you're right, my agenda

i can't stand sd, bm or the court ordered child support crap - and i would feel gratification if this test is taken. i slipped into selfishness due to all the crap i have to deal with. thanks for all the input.

If he won in court, he wants the child no matter the dna

Sometimes its hard to stomach the pain of dealing with our men's past, a child from another woman etc. We all deal with it in different ways all the time. If BM has taken him to court several times to fight for custody and he has won, you have your answer. This is his child and he wants her. You might open up a terrible can of worms with your husband if you pursue this. I find counselling very helpful. Sometimes just to sort out what is happening inside me. This site of course has been helpful to me. Hang in there. My advice:

First step is to breath.
Second is to take care of yourself emotionally.
Third step is to connect with your husband and keep your relationship strong.

I understand and feel your pain

I too can not stand bm, my ss's attitude, and all the crap she has put us through just for her own selfish agenda. These women have no right to bear children and then use them like they do.

Don't beat yourself up too much, it's good to get advice and confirmation from others, and it's great to come here and vent....that is why it's so theraputic. It's okay to want something too, I know your desire for this reassurance and proof that bm is a pile of crap..but you know what? Everyone already knows the truth about her, you just defining it more is like beating a dead horse into the ground.

You know what you need to do? Go reward yourself for taking all the bullshit you already have put up with, pat yourself on the back for being the good person you are. I treat myself to facials, or a night out with my girls and some wine. Maybe, go take a pilates class to help destress.

Bests,
Candice

nice advice

I do not think my Dh's son

I do not think my Dh's son is his biologically, but it does not even matter to me. For 5 years now he has been and he is a great dad, and if we did a test BM would never let us see SS if it was not his, and that would hurt SS most! So we have not had one done!!!
****The best exercise is walking down the aisle****

Why did you marry this man,

Why did you marry this man, if you didn't want to be a stepmother. Sounds like he's has custody for sometime. I assume this was all in place when you married him?

One of ours isn't biologically "ours"

My eldest SD - you remember, the one I just bought diamond earrings for to commemorate her Sweet Sixteen - is not my husband's biological child. She was conceived through an adulterous affair. But he chose to accept her as his child and had his name put on her birth certificate, so I think of her the same.

After he and BM divorced, she wanted more $$$ and knew she would get more if she were collecting from TWO dads, rather than just one, so she had paternity established in the bio father. Broke DH's heart. Also broke SD's heart. It sort of worked out... she has two dads, two stepmoms, one mom and one stepdad. We get along great with the other dad and his wife. Better than we ever have with BM and her husband. SD has three sets of "parents." I think of her as our daughter, just as I think of the other four kids as our kids. It was hard, at first, knowing she was all BM and zero DH, but then I got to know her as a person in her own right and not just as an extension of BM. And I love her! Sometimes I think she even likes me back a little! (Hey, she's sixteen... I don't expect much!) I think you should let it be. Fair or unfair isn't the issue. It's not your secret to tell and no matter the outcome, it is sure to backfire on YOU far more than it ever would SD or BM.

~ Anne ~

Join the Campaign to Save Madison!
http://www.geocities.com/campaign4madison/C4M.html

Please share how you

Please share how you overcame issues with the ex. I want sooo much to think of my skids as my own. I even practice sometiems saying I have three kids, when I gave birth only to one. Also, it seems that my role is so limited. BM makes sure she is involved in everything to do with those children even when they are with us. I don't stand a chance. I sometimes think it's best for me to stay way out of everything but then I feel resentful. Coupled with the fact that the kids are being really cruel to my child, I'm struggling. I emailed my sd the other day telling her I missed her and I would like to spend some time with her. It was a big leap for me and I'm scared to death to actually hang with her. It's usually sooooo hard. So share please how you handled finding your place and opening your heart.

Thanks.

Oh, Lord, Kathleen, could you ask me a harder question?!

I dunno. I mean, it was definitely an evolution. My role is pretty limited, too. DH is supposed to get them EOW, but I bet you we've never come close to getting them even half that amount. I think a lot of it just had to do with my SD and her personality. She was very clingy, very needy. I was annoyed, at first, but then I realized that this girl was a mess. She craved attention, because she never got any from anyone else. I mean, her bio dad had a baby son, her mom had two other learning disabled children and we had our two kids... this poor kid had so many pieces of parents, but no complete parenting unit. Does that make sense? I don't know. I felt sorry for her. I just kept putting myself out there, trying to draw her in. I would cuddle with her, hold her on my lap, joke with her, be affectionate with her. I would let her talk and I'd really listen. Over time, I just started seeing her less as her mother's daughter and more as just another one of the kids in our family. She never felt like she belonged and I felt bad that she felt that way. But she was never bad to me or my kids. All three of my skids are good kids, so they are very easy to love. It helps that they are affectionate back. And like you said, there was a lot of FAKE-IT-TILL-YOU-MAKE-IT in the early days. I referred to them as mine or as ours for a long time before I actually believed it and before it actually felt right. I think you're on the right track with your email.

As for overcoming issues with the ex, I just locked her out of my life until I felt like she could behave. No contact with her whatsoever. She had to deal with DH. In time, we've gotten to where we can communicate about routine stuff without any hostility. We've even managed to be friendly through emails about the kids. But I'll never forget the hell she put us through and if she ever gets nasty with me again, I'll just lock her back out. I used to feel the need to defend myself to her, but that only added fuel to her fire. Now, instead of responding, I just File 13 her when she's ugly. It works.

~ Anne ~

Join the Campaign to Save Madison!
http://www.geocities.com/campaign4madison/C4M.html

How do the skids react

when you say they're yours (if I understood that correctly)? I always introduce my stepkids as just that -- even though I feel they're my kids, I don't want to somehow marginalize their mother, or, worse, have them correct me. I'm pregnant now and don't want to get into a place where I have to break them up: This is my daughter/son; these are my stepkids (the "just" there would be so implicit, I think!). Do you have any thoughts? I suppose discussing it with them would help, although I'm not sure (they're 8 and 10) they'd know what to say so as not to hurt me and not be a traitor to their BM.

I combine it.

I don't really point out that they are or are not biologically anyones. I mean, SD16 isn't biologically either mine or my husband's. She was conceived by BM during an adulterous affair. Then I have two skids. I have my son from my first marriage, but his father's rights were terminated and my husband adopted him. Then we have our daughter. By the time I explain all that, I'll be introducing my great-grandchildren! LOL So I just tell people that we have five children in our family and tick off their names, which is true. The skids have never minded, they always felt good to be included and loved that I think of them as "mine." We use the phrase "there are no steps in our house" a lot. It's just never been an issue.

~ Anne ~

Join the Campaign to Save Madison!
http://www.geocities.com/campaign4madison/C4M.html

Thanks, Anne

I just posed this question as a separate item, in case you were MIA today. Thanks for the advice!

Personal Issues

When discussing a paternity test, I think my BF is in denial. I think the fear of knowing or not knowing has became too much for him to bear. He has his own reseverations for not wanting to. "back ground" BF is 28 and has never met his real father. The man the mother was married too is said to be his father, but his aunt says differently. BF has no interest in meeting the ex husband considering he abandoned BF.... But in a twist of things it kinda explains why since his own mother cannot be honest. It sounds to me the ex husband found out that the mother had an affair and left her with child. Except she never mentioned to the other man he may have a child. Because of BF's mother selffish choices, BF has grown up not knowing who his father is. Now I feel as if history is repeating itself with my BF's son. When two people have sex and create life, it is not longer their choice. It is the "right of the child" to know who their parents are. Good or Bad. It should not be the right of a women to point fingers and keep secrets from their children.

Until the laws are changed and paternity test are done in the hospitals there will be several children who will never know the truth because of the selfishness of the mothers and all invloved.

As far as u wanting this badly, I want it too. I think it is easier for us to want this than the potential fathers. I cannot make him want this. Lord I have tried.... I have serveral friends, I have had heard horror stories from. A couple married in the process of a divorce and he had temporary placement of the child who was 3 months at the time.... since then the child is now 15 months old had a PT test and she came back not his. Now he doesn't know what to do. Atleaset the child was only 15 months old. It's funny (not haha funny) how so many people sleep with multiple people, finding out they are pregnant, saying they plan on havin DNA testing done, then the child is born, and the test are never done.
Until the laws are changed, the fate of children knowing the truth will be lost. It's time to quite being selfish and make the right choice. Rights of the children.
Kim

Where does that put adopted children?

See, I feel the same way. My BS9 is from my first marriage. My EH left when I was pregnant and waived his parental rights. I married DH when my son was 3 and DH adopted my son. Now, we have NEVER held out to our son that DH is his bio father. He has always known that some kids are "born to" their daddies and some kids get their daddies later. Once he was old enough to understand the biology, we explained to him how, exactly, he got his "daddy" and how "daddy" isn't his biological father. We felt the same way... he had a right to know the true story of his parentage. Especially after seeing the way it destroyed SD16 to find out Daddy isn't really Daddy, it was a no-brainer that we would not put our son through that.

But... I'm conflicted. I mean, adopted children are not always raised knowing that they were adopted. Some of them never find out that they were adopted. I think it's important, especially for medical history purposes, to know where we come from. At the same time, though, I don't think you let them believe one thing for several years, then suddenly pull their worlds out from under them and tell them something different. I think you either make sure it is known from birth or you don't tell them at all.

~ Anne ~

Join the Campaign to Save Madison!
http://www.geocities.com/campaign4madison/C4M.html

I did the same...

My oldest son was adopted by my first husband, because his biodad did not want anything to do with us.(I was 17 and that's a whole other story) But, I too, never lied to him - I'm a firm believer in being honest with children. I had a friend who was also adopted by her stepdad and didn't find out till she was older that he wasn't her biological father. And she said the fact that they lied was far more damaging to her then the fact that he wasn't her "real" dad. My oldest son, now has met his biofather and has 4 half sisters that he hopes to meet in the future. But it was HIS choice to meet biodad when he came back into his life.

I think you leave it up to BM. She's the irresponsible party in all of this and it's her responsibility to fix the wrong if it indeed is a wrong. It would break everyone's heart involved, I think including yours. SD is a product of her environment, it's not her fault. Skids can drive us crazy but bless their little hearts, look at some of these role models (dysfunctional BMs). DH made the decision to trust BM and believe that this little girl is his. He obviously loves her just the same.

I'm all about sticking it to the BM, but I really don't think it's worth the consequences.

thanks

thanks for the advice, good thing i had you guys to vent to before i made a bad decision.

hanny,
all was good before the marriage. i believe the marriage caused alot of jealousy and then the game playing/manipulation of bm and sd began.

candice,
i will take your advice and treat myself for my good deads, it sounds like a great idea.

thanks all

My SD is 14, there are questions too

I feel you when you say it would solve the bigger problem, I did think about it at first but ultimately, when I came into the scene she was 4, and DH had already attached as dad so it wouldn't have mattered to him therefor the only question was could I do it for 14 years with the psycho? well its not easy alot of the time, but I know SD is more of us then BM by miles, she truely is my child as far as I am concerned, and her also- she has been more than happy to claim me the same way since she doesn't feel much difference between her and her brother and knows I do adore her. SD did find out from BM that there is that chance that the dna isn't dh(through an amazingly bitchy moment in BM life), but SD understands DNA doesn't change that DH fought all these years for SD, raised her and loves her- it doesn't change anything, it backfired on BM like mad, and only stregnthened our bond with SD.It sounds easier to us the SMs to not have the BMs but I would do it over and over to have this child in spite of BMs every effort.

There is no reaon where logic does not exist

To answer your question...

You can actually have a test done without either of them knowing about it. You can use their toothbrushes, for example, and the lab can obtain their DNA from that. There are labs on the internet that do this (I personally know someone who has had it done.) It is not cheap but it can help to put your mind at rest. If it were me, and if I wanted to know, I wouldn't share with anyone else what I found out. If you prove that she really is his daughter, once and for all, then it may help you to accept the her and the situation more.

Livin' my life like it's golden!

You are here

Comments