Grass is not always greener...
I know that a couple people on here are currently struggling with the question "Should I stay or should I go?" and I know I was at one time too. I wondered whether it was me; surely I was being unreasonable. The temper tantrums and drama couldn't have been that bad.
I found this site to help me figure things out -- I think it was Anne who suggested that I look at ODD stuff in relation to how my ex gf's kids were acting. They had three hour temper tantrums seemed like once a week or more; broke stuff; ran away; one of them was still sucking his thumb and carrying around a blanket (they were ten at the time). I went through what so many of us went through -- the screaming fits were directed at me -- I had to get out; I ruined their lives, etc -- despite them having had these fits before I got involved with their mother. Their father told their mother that he thought they were out of control. One day last year, when they were through a temper tantrum, she threw a half full two liter bottle of pepsi at them. She went on medication rather than even dare ask the question whether their behavior was out of control.
Her ex husband wanted them to get help. Ther behavior started to effect my daughter and one day when one of them was throwing a fit and I made the comment she was letting them run the house and had to do something -- she threw me and my 11 year old daughter out of the house. I had to go stay in a hotel (with my daughter) and got a different apartment.
She threw me out one month after my father passed away. No, I was not a deadbeat step either. Her ex husband is on disability and I paid more in household expenses than her ex husband did (through SS) during the time we were together. She was going to Nursing School of a night and I would pick them up twice a week after school and my work so she could go to class. I think I helped out a lot and carried my weight as a step.
She came to me crying to me after the fight in May and wanted us to get back together, but I stayed with the apartment and we tried "dating" -- the boys behavior was still just as bad.
I told her she needed to have them evaluated for ODD -- but she refused and we ended it. I couldn't go on. Her kids screaming at me; cussing at me week in and week out for 2 1/2 years was too much for me to take. I told her she wasn't being respectful to me or my daughter -- nor was she taking the proper care of her kids. They needed help.
Her response was that since they didn't act that way in school, they were fine.
My daughter plays Runescape Online and they have some of the same friends they chat with while playing.
I have not talked to ex gf since August; last e-mail exchanged was in September.
She was talking to one of their friends last week and the one who threw the fit in May got in huge trouble at school. He started cussing out the music teacher and asking him what right he had to teach them; and got the whole class in trouble. One of the reasons she told me that she would not get them evaluated was because the behavior was only occuring at home and not school, so they had to be fine. Well, now its finally happening at school too. Detention and no recess for over a week for the whole class, not just him. None of his classmates like him right now.
They went to this frends birthday party and threw a fit because they missed their mom -- screaming; yelling crying etc. Now both of them suck their thumbs and they will be 11 in February.
The ex gf and I broke up because I felt she wasn't getting the care she needed for her kids; and their behavior was out of control. Their behavior effected our relationship. Their behavior effected my daughter and her mental health.
People have to acknowledge and deal with problems in relationships -- and not just give them lip service.
I didn't cause them to act this way -- I think that often DH/DW/BM try to lay a guilt trip at the Steps feet. "If it hadn't been for YOU." Well, the mess existed before we got involved and our leaving might not make it better, but WE DIDN'T CAUSE IT AND DON'T BLAME US FOR IT!.
If our children have behavioral problems we have an overriding duty as a parent to deal with them. Our pride can't stand in the way of our responsibility.
A relationship with our spouse or SO (hopefully) will last longer than the time that our kids are living at home. They can love our kids and criticism does not equal not caring about them.
I read a lot about ODD and I have read and learned a lot about being a step parent on here from good people. My ex hasn't called me (and she won't). but when we split I told her that not dealing wth her kids behavioral problems didn't mean they were going to go away. They didn't and now they are worse.
Thankfully the people on this site have helped me deal with my grief and questions. I appreciate everyone on here and I hope you take this note not as a bashing of the ex, but as a thank you to all of you for your support and understanding.
Kevin
- klinder180's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
You have stated your thoughts
very clearly and no one should have a problem with how you see things,which by the way way, are right on target and to the point. I myself am not one to "bury" my head in the sand and "hope" the boogyman will go away, I tackle things head on, which has sometimes gotten me in trouble with my husband,but for the most part, we have been able to come to see things as they really are, together. But not without alot of poking and prodding on my part.My husband is a wonderful man, who would lay down his life for his children,and sometimes I see that as his downfall, because "others" see that as his weakness and try to use that against him! As the old saying goes, he's come along way Baby!!
So,you just keep on speaking your mind,and doing what's best for you and your daughter. You sound like a very intelligent and caring father,and one day you will find that one LADY who will stand BESIDE you, and give you the love and support you deserve!
God Bless!
hangingin
Cruella
Hopefully from your mouth to God's ears. At least the great relationship part.
Kevin
Sounds like you are a good
Sounds like you are a good man, good father, and doing a great job of taking care of your daughter. All of us know where those kids are headed, and its just now starting, so its good that you got out before it destroyed your life and your little girl.
If the mother of those children had looked within herself, she would have seen, that she played a huge part in all of their problems. The good thing is they aren’t your problem anymore. You made the right decision so now we have to find you the perfect woman that will appreciate all of your good qualities.
thanks 4 sharing
I cannot understand these parents/mates who feel everything is better left undealt with. We all wish our lives had no bumps but I have seen very few problems disappear due to just letting it go. What hurts too is if you are a reasonable person, which Kevin you sound very level headed and you are one who can look at a situation and wonder what part you play in things.
Problem with this gift can be that we who actually selfanalyze and realize we are not perfect often encounter people such as you exGF and think maybe if I only.... or maybe she is cursing at me because she is just having stressful time with school, maybe ,maybe.
Thing is if we can break ourselves away, take clearer look ,( you are fortunate she kicked you out and wise not to have taken her up on offer back) we realize just how unhealthy they are. Sad thing is when they are unhealthy and unfortunately their children suffer due to this. These boys do sound very in need of help. i wonder what your rights are in calling their school and just suggesting that the school counselor talk with and see if there is anything they can do.
I am glad you and BD are now able to pursue healthier circumstances. It sounds as if you have a lot to share. Good luck.
Just an ex dating relationship..
I have no rights, they were not my children. Doesn't mean we don't love our step kids, but she decided to handle this on her own and she will have to handle it on her own -- her ex husband offers very little in way of support.
Things are good for me -- I have a good relationship with my daughter. Me and the ex wife are getting along. We are not friends, but we place our child's best interest first. We have even put aside our anger and hurt so that she sees decent parents who love her.
One of the reasons why I posted this was that I saw people wondering and asking what to do. Feeling lost and trapped. Wondering if they did something wrong.
Life can be good if we want it too -- but some people won't allow it to be good.
Kevin
Klinder
It really sounds like the boys have not been disciplined by mom, and at this point it sounds like she doesn't know how to. That will come back and bite her in the butt when the boys get older...think they are out of control now? Just wait and see what happens in a few more years. I won't be surprised if they end up in juvi.
When I broke up with my ex I did all the same things you did. Woulda shoulda coulda was my mantra. I constantly wondered if it was me, what was I doing wrong, etc. I gave him plenty of chances to meet me halfway, but he was either unwilling or unable to. It took me a long time to realize that I did everything humanly possible to keep my marriage together but in the end I learned that I couldn't do it by myself, that it takes the participation of both parties to have a successful marriage. We didn't have kids so that part was a little easier. One of my complaints about my ex was that he was unwilling to face the issues we were having. He went out of his way to avoid confrontation of any kind. You can't be that way and expect to have a good marriage. Don't get me wrong, he is a very good man and has a lot of positive attributes, but relationships is not one of them.
Your ex sounds alot like that but one day she's going to wish she had not avoided these important issues with her kids. Unfortunately when she does realize what she has done, it may be too late.
Kevin...
Thanks for your uplifting post. So many of us sit on the fence for so long, wondering, "Should I stay or should I go?" I think too many people see staying in a bad situation as "success" and ending the relationship as "failure." Thanks for showing everyone that sometimes success comes from moving on, rather than in lingering. Your ex sounds like she's in total denial about the problems with her boys and, unfortunately, it's only going to get worse with time. Some things just can't be resolved on their own. But you've got your priorities straight and your daughter is lucky to have a dad like you. Your ex and her boys will either sink or swim on their own, but either way, that's HER cross to bear. You lead the horse to water.
~ Anne ~
http://www.geocities.com/campaign4madison/C4M.html
Please join the Campaign to Save Madison!
De Ja Vu
I have, since reading your first post, always felt like you have lived my life with my step daughter. I continue to stay and try to make it but only because I have a supportive bio parent. But you just reaffirmed to me that if I chose to leave that I will be ok. You will make someone else a very happy person. You will find a woman who can control her children and will appreciate you and what you have to offer. I hope you stay around our site even thoug you are not "officially" still a step parent right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well...
I won't kid anyone that there are not days I really, really want to go back -- but then I ask, "Go back to what?"
There is still a part of me that would hope she would show up at my door and say "I am sorry, I was wrong, but lets make this a try because I do love you."
It isn't going to happen though.
Yes, I think the ex gf and I had wonderful times, but it has to be weighed against the bad times. It has to be weighed against my mental health and the mental and emotional health of my daughter.
Having a troubled child is tough, but its something that has to be dealt with. Yes, that Going's point was the one I was trying to make with my ex gf -- I never felt she was supportive of me. I didn't think she (or they) cared that theri temper tantrums effected my daughter.
Things are what things are -- and I am going to try and make the best of them.
Kevin
It sucks, Kevin, it does.
My son was, well, in utero when I divorced the first time. His father decided a year into our marriage and four months into the pregnancy that he really didn't want a wife and child, after all. So I had my son and did the single parent thing for almost four years, which is when I married my current husband. (I call him my "current" husband so he understands he has to behave or else he, too, will become my "former" husband! LOL) My husband adopted my son, so it's all good now, but man, it really sucks when the relationship is over and you feel like you'd trade anything just to be a part of a family.
That transition time is when you really find your strength and convictions tested. Is having that "family arrangement" really worth putting up with some of the stuff you put up with in the relationship? You spend half the time trying to talk yourself into making it work... families stick together, if we really loved each other then we would make it work, I can't leave him/her because you just don't abandon the person you love and the family you have with them, what kind of partner would I be if I didn't stick around and try to make it work, etc. Then you spend the other half of your time reassuring yourself that ending the relationship was the right thing to do... he/she must not have been "the one," we have different priorities, I'll never be as important to him/her as _____, we can never agree on these deal-breaker issues, etc. It's perfectly natural to fantasize that this person in whom you invested so much will suddenly have this epiphany and realize how fabulous you are and how wrong they were, but you know what? It doesn't ever happen. And even if it does SEEM to happen, the proof is always in the pudding.
It doesn't take anything to say, "You were right, I was wrong, I love you and I want you back." It's a lot harder to say, "I thought about what you said and decided to take your advice. The boys have been in therapy for six months now and are making a lot of progress. I, too, have been in counselling, with them and separate from them, and feel that I am making progress, too. We have even established a discipline plan, which I am sticking with, and the boys are really flourishing under it. I understand now what I couldn't see before, that you truly did have my and my boys' best interests at heart and I am so sorry for the upset we caused you and your daughter. Thank you for trying to help me do right by my children. I'm just sorry that I didn't take your advice sooner."
I know it's hard being alone, especially when you're raising a child alone and want so much to raise that child within a family, but don't let the alternative be getting sucked back into a bad situation that is hopeless to improve. Try not to dwell on the what could have beens or the maybe we could try agains, otherwise, everything you've been through will have been for nothing. You will be with who you are supposed to be with when you are supposed to be with that person, whomever she is. Have faith!
~ Anne ~
http://www.geocities.com/campaign4madison/C4M.html
Please join the Campaign to Save Madison!
You are awesome
and I admire your dedication to your daughter. So many adults tend to put their children aside for their own realtionships that it is refreshing to see a dad who did what needed to be done for the kids. Kudos to you. Your daughter is blessed to have such a good dad... I am sure there are alot of ladies here that would be glad to go kick your ex's butt if you'de like
You are awesome
and I admire your dedication to your daughter. So many adults tend to put their children aside for their own realtionships that it is refreshing to see a dad who did what needed to be done for the kids. Kudos to you. Your daughter is blessed to have such a good dad... I am sure there are alot of ladies here that would be glad to go kick your ex's butt if you'de like
How IS your daughter
How IS your daughter handling this? Does she seem to be relieved or sad or both? I'm just wondering, here's why:
One day, when I was in the third grade, my mother picked me up from school. She was so serious. She confided in me that she & my first stepfather split up. They were seperated & headed for a divorce. I sat there, looked ahead of me, & said, "Oh. Okay." When I got home, I said, "where's the dog?" Mom said, "he took the dog." I freaked out. I was inconsolable.
I'm sure your daughter's situation was different than mine & the whole relationship she had with your ex wasn't a constant nightmare. I'm just wondering how she is taking it all.
My daughter
She is doing okay -- she unfortunately got to see the screaming fits all the time. As a matter of a fact, it was the ex gf who first pointed out that she wasn't the same. She just became withdrawn and quiet. She didn't want to be there in the middle of all of the tantrums.
She had actually said at the first of the year, that if things didn't change by the end of the school year (June) she was going to say something. Well, it ended before the school year ended.
She is sometimes sad about things and will talk about the boys -- we (my mother; me and my ex wife) are making a concerted effort not to talk about it. She said this weekend she wished she had had a chance to say goodbye to Joshua and Christian. I discouraged that very strongly. I don't think it would help anything and probably would just end up with us (or me) getting blamed for everything.
We (the ex gf and I) had tried to date for a while -- we had a trip to Disney plannned in June which we took. Then when they were over and going to try and have dinner in July one of them threw a fit. The one who cussed out the teacher.
My daughter is more talkative now and our relationship is closer. She did lose the companionship of my exs kids, but I think the constant screaming was getting to her. My ex wife has handled the situation with grace and style -- her husbands oldest child has behavioral issues as well. Most women would have smacked my ex gf up side the head about the incident in May. My ex wife just made the comment that the ex gfs life is going to be really hard if she doesn't deal with it now.
I have made sure to explain things to her and why it happened (normally I would tell my clients not to do that) but I wanted her to know that it wasn't her fault. We spent a lot of time together over the summer doing activities.
I took her to a Cardinal game at Busch Stadium on her birthday -- August 8th. Then to a Gretchen Wilson concert two days later. When we were walking out, she made the comment to me that "This was the best birthday week of her life." Made me feel 10 foot tall and made up for a lot.
Kevin
"They didn't and now they
"They didn't and now they are worse."
I bet you never hated being right so much in your life. It is so hard to watch the oncoming train wreck and have no way of stopping it, so hard. You did a good job in the face of some pretty hard odds. I admire you.
I feel pretty badly for you exgf too. She can't get over her guilt enough to see her denial and it has not only ruined her relationship with you but seriously hurt her boys as well.
Thanks for sharing your story.
I'm glad she's doing well &
I'm glad she's doing well & I think you're doing a great job.
Hipi