We have SD4's (identical twins). They have always had the regular toddler tantrums here and there, but lately one twins behavior has become increasingly worse. It started out as a slow process when they started seeing their mom again in May for EOWE. Before that, they hadn't seen their mom in almost a year. We have tried to correct the problems when she would return home but it has gotten to the point where she is now completely out of control.

She lies constantly (often for no reason), is aggressive with her sister (sometimes telling her sister she is going to die), refuses to sleep at night and screams for hours (we've had to let her sister sleep in our room at night now). She directly disobeys, such as throwing her cup on the floor after you ask her to put it in the sink. She no longer looks us in the eye when we talk to her and shows no remorse for any of her behaviors. She almost seems detached from them. Her twin does none of these things (not to that extreme extent) and they used to be very similar in temperament. When I talk to other people about this problem they always say "oh no, she's just four, that's how they are." But me and DH suspect there is something more going on.

Finally, yesterday I decided that I was going to discipline her in a very passive way and see what the full force of her tantrums and screaming fits would look like. She threw her shoes on the floor in front of me and demanded I help her put them on. Normally, I would have instantly put her in her room for talking that way, but instead I told her to "ask nicely and use your normal voice".

She began screaming "no" and hitting the floor, tearing at the rug (at this point her sister hid under the table). I then told her she could walk to time-out or I would carry her. She refused so I carried her. She kicked me and knocked my glasses off my face. I put her on her bed and she ran out screaming. I put her back in and shut the door and she banged on it continuously. Finally I went in, sat her back on her bed, and said when she could calm down and take a time-out I would give her another chance to ask for help with her shoes. She then screamed "no" again and started hitting me. Not something she has EVER done to me or something that I would put up with, but once again, for the sake of seeing what she was capable of during her tantrums, I just sat there neutrally. She hit me over the head 70 times!! When she finally stopped I just got up and left the room.

Side note: In the middle of all of this screaming she found one of her hairbands on the floor. She stopped screaming, looked at me in a very excited way, smiled and said "look I found my hairband" in a completely normal voice. Then went straight back to screaming at me.

We have already set up an appointment with a psychologist but I was wondering what other people's thoughts are. Is this normal 4 year old behavior?