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Big Bad Unhappy

Unhappy's picture

So DH and I are fighting due to SS(5)'s horrible behavior. Apparently DH seems to think that we don't deal with him being out of control in our home. I call BS. I have watched this kid yell at and call DH names when he is being corrected for his behavior, lie about something that DH and I said to him to the girls so he can get their money, toy, or his way, we had to put locks on the refridgerator and pantry because he wouldn't listen to us and stay out of it, has had violent temper tantrums, intentionally tries to get his sister in trouble when she's not doing anything, swears,doesn't listen, doesn't follow the rules, cries about every effing thing is he doesn't get his way, and this list can go on and on.

When I pointed out the fact that last week he spit in DH's face, threw a temper tantrum when BM tried to drop him off at school to which DH couldn't even get him under control and had to bring him home, which is exactly what SS wanted in the first place, he watched SS attack one of BM's friends and ended up have to take SS home with him on BM's week and then when BM showed up he took off running outside and down the street then when DH got him back he ran back into the house, DH had to have my BD lock all the doors just to get SS to get into BM's car and leave. Sounds like DH has got him under control right? DH blames all of this behavior on BM.

Does anybody else see this? Does it seem like DH has control of this kid because I sure as hell don't. Just because he doesn't do this everyday doesn't mean he's not out of control. I freaking hate the fact that DH lives in denial.

So we were going over "the punishment" for SS for what he did at school on Tuesday. He is grounded. I stipped his room of all of his toys, took his TV, his radio, took his cool transformer bedding, and pulled his posters off of the wall last night. (I did replace the bedding with basic white sheets and a plain comforter.) He's going to bed early everynight. He gets no treats. He gets no TV, vedio games, radio, or movies. All I left in his room was his clothes, puzzles, and books and I made sure to take all the little noise maker books with the buttons on them because this is not going to be fun time for him. All of these things that he has are a previlage and not a right and if he can't manage to get his crap together he will not have them. DH is also (fingers crossed on this one) going to withhold his attention from SS. He will talk to him, but it will be very basic, no jokes, no making SS laugh, no in depth conversations. (This one will kill SS and have the biggest impact if DH can do it.)

I made the suggestion of Santa leaving him a letter this year in regards to his behavior and not a present. Obviously this didn't go well with DH. His was response was, "I'm not taking away a childhood holiday memory." Whatever. I'd do it to mine if she pulled the same crap that SS has been pulling. I was always under the impression that parenting isn't always fun but it's still important none the less.

I made mention to DH that I am going out tomorrow and I am going to pick up the best freaking treats that I can find for the girls for next week. (SS is a treat junky.) I am also going to plan a bunch of fun activities for the weekend that we have them. I want to take them to a movie, the arcade, the aquarium, and whatever else I can think of. Of course DH true to form thinks that this is a bit much. Poor little SS will be left out of doing fun things two weekends in a row. So here we go with big bad Unhappy has it out for poor wittle innocent SS. I flat out told him that the point of this punishment is so he doesn't get kicked out of school and so we only have to it one time. That's it. ONE FREAKING TIME. And who knows if BM will even follow through with any punishments while SS's with her at the moment.

What I thought was funny and I pointed out to DH is this was the same thing that he told her to do to SS. Strip his room of everything and leave SS at home and take SD out to do fun things this weekend. And now he's justifying him telling BM to do it and him not having to do it because it's unfair that it happens two weekends in a row. Can anybody see the insanity here? Here is where the failing as a parent occurs and the guilty disney dad takes over. So your 5 year old son assaulted two adults this week, one of which was a police officer, he spit in the police officers face, refused to go to school for the third time this year and DH's feels that punishing SS by leaving him out of fun things on the weekend for his behavior two weekends in a row is just to much.

Can anybody else see the insanity here or is it just me?

Comments

xtina's picture

I think he is majorly in denial!! I agree with everything you are doing. That little brat has no place ruining everyone's life like that. Where is all this anger coming from??? That sounds beyond frustrating. My 2 year old acts like that. Minus the spitting and swearing. I totally agree with your idea for Santa to leave a note. 5 years old is old enough to understand discipline and consequence for his own actions. If he looks back on that Christmas he will realize it was his own fault he didn't get diddly squat.

misSTEP's picture

Yeah. He must be awesome in the sack, is all I can say. I would have definitely taken the job offer!

RedWingsFan's picture

Seriously, I could NOT handle that situation. If someone offered me a killer job making 6 figures, you couldn't get me out the door fast enough!

oldone's picture

From a perspective of an old person - this kid may have horrible psychological problems that may never be resolved. You of course cannot write him off as a 5 year old (actually you can but society can't). But don't be surprised if he turns out to be a "bad seed".

arjuna79's picture

you can't fix crazy. and there's no making sense of the senseless. This kid is playing you, and all his world. Your life is being dictated by a tyrannical 5 year old, and no parent is capable of stepping up and taking charge. how are you going to save yourself?

Unhappy's picture

I just don't get it. I really don't. Why is it so hard to parent your damn kids? This is the reason why they are the way that they are. SD has gotten better but DH has flat out told me that he gets definsive with SS and that he thinks that he can't do it(meaning parent him). He's not being mean. He's doing what he is supposed to do which is being freaking parent. It can't be all cutesy wutesy cuddle time with SS.

And for the Santa thing, it's one present. The other ten that he will be getting come from DH and I. So if Santa came and left him a letter letting him know how about his behavior has been, how disappointed he is, and that he doesn't get any presents from Santa this year SS would still get ten presents from DH and I. This is what I'm talking about. Instead of doing something that would drive the point home it's guilty parenting and I can't take away a memory from SS. Well is you can't do that DH please remove all of the memories of your kids atrocious behavior over the last three years from my brain because I don't want them. They haven't been fun memories.

DaizyDuke's picture

Could you write a letter from Santa now??? Telling him that he is on the naughty list and better shape up? Maybe DH wouldn't think that was so terrible? Of course, I have no idea what you will do when you can't use Santa as a bargaining tool in a few weeks and neither parent will come up with a plan and stick to it.

Definition of insanity- doing the same thing and over and expecting different results...

Unhappy's picture

I like this idea Daizy. I'm sure DH would agree with it too. Thanks for being so helpful.

3familiesIn1's picture

I posted this last time it came on your previous blog but here it is again, we love this website...

http://www.portablenorthpole.com/home?utm_campaign=laun1en&utm_medium=em...

In the case of your SS - choose BAD - the video is free. It creates a video of Santa and he uses the childs name in the video to speak directly to them, if you have a photo he will show it to confirm he has the right child.

I would create the video and watch it once to see what happens if you select BAD as the behavior. We used Good for the kids here so I don't know exactly what Santa says to the child but seeing Santa on your PC talking directly to you is something the kids here have loved for years.

In fact, this year the first thing BD8 said was, I wonder if Santa is going to ask me to work on tying my shoes again... She remembered that all the way from last years video. It has an impact.

Lola383's picture

Ugh...Sounds like DH has some Disney Dad syndrome. My SO can be very " oh my baby boy" to his DS11. I am much more harder than he is and we even say that when it comes time for us to have babies, I'm going to be the stricter one.

My cousin is like your DH..She has a 2y/o boy that can be so out of control..but she says she doesn't want to spend the time she has with him disciplining him. UM WHAT?! YOU had a child! You are a parent. I told her its for his own good, he's only going to get worse to handle..

It's so frustrating..I feel so badly for you. Try to keep strong! Sounds like you're the only one who has the right state of mind here. I COMPLETELY 110% agree with the Santa thing! He is 5..REALLY?! Do you think when he's 30 he is going to remember this? His little 5 year old brain is going to be so upset that Santa is disappointed with him. But then again on the flip side..he could just get pissed and not care about Santa anymore and continue to act bad... There is risk in everything we do. For your sake I'll send positive thoughts your way! I hope your DH can quit being a sap sack for his boy and grow a set.

When I was a kid..my brother and I wouldn't DARE cross my father. We KNEW we'd get our little butts spanked. And I know society is all up in arms about that kind of stuff..But as long as your not BEATING a kid..I don't think a little swat on the toosh is bad.

Good Luck!!

dad'swife's picture

I am an old member who now just lurks but I just had to create an account to reply to you.
Unhappy, my brother was exactly like this kid. And was spolied rotten because he was my mom's and stepdad's only child together. He would spit, kick, fight, throw things etc. When I was about 9 and he was 6, I was teasing him about something silly as siblings do and he stabbed me in the thigh with a pencil. I remember once he was yelling at my mom in front of our home and because I was defending her he pushed me down the steps in front of my parent's home. He also flipped out at school because my mom made him a turkey sandwich instead of tuna and it took three people to hold him down.
As an adult he has abused partners, even going as far as hitting his partner over the head with a box full of wine over and over again.
And through it all, my parents still baby him. At one point my sister had called the cops because he kicked a hole in the door and my parents got angry at my sister and had her call back and tell them forget it. He has cursed out every single one of our parent's neighbors over the years.
Now, he is 27, with no job, floating between my parents home and his partner, who puts up with his nonsense for some strange reason. I have barely anything to do with him and we talk once a year at MOST.
And even with all of that, my mom continues to enable him and my stepdad continues to do nothing. She complains about him but gets mad if my sister or I tell her the truth about him. She still takes him to doctor appts and gives him an allowance.
I wish there was some way you could get your DH to see the light. There are plenty of times I have taken things away or grounded my BS and felt bad about but knew it was for the best. Your DH somehow has to understand that he is not helping his son only hurting him.
Good Luck unhappy, because if things don't change you have a long way ahead of you Sad

Lola383's picture

The big message I got out of this post is that the PARENTS created and ENABLED this behavior.. (to this day -he's 27?!?! OMG). If my son EVER hurt another one of my kids; holy hell...hold me back. My kid would wish he was never born.

I feel like there's this new culture of parenting that doesn't think parents should step up and do the dirty work of being a parent..My God! Did someone promise them it was going to be easy street? UGH..

My SO is a Marine..He lets his kids get away with a lot..but when they reach a certain limit..all he has to do is have a certain tone and they jump! What is wrong with that??? NOTHING.. Kids SHOULD have some fear of their parents..otherwise they will walk all over you.

dad'swife's picture

Lola, yes my parents did and still do enable his behavior. I can never understand being afraid to put your foot down when it comes to raising your child.

And it's funny because my sisters and I feared my stepdad, because he made sure we were always disciplined, so I guess he just felt differently because it was his own bio son? I have no idea really.

I feel bad for unhappy, because I know she does love her DH, but I feel like this is going to be a long road for her if this child doesn't get the help he needs, whatever that may be. He's only 5, can you imagine what it is like when he is 16 and possibly taller and stronger than his parent? :O

3familiesIn1's picture

I agree. I have a 'tone' and 'the look' and my girls jump. I also have the, Do I have to ask you again? question - that is the question that means its over, get to it or consequences will follow.

DH threatens to spank his kids, Do you want a spanking? And do you know what the skids do? They laugh and giggle and put their butts in the air for him to 'spank' it a HUGE friggin joke - just as any and every other threat of punishment is - that is why when DH means business they laugh it off, yell in his face talking back or just completely ignore him.

No, I do not spank my kids, Yes they got a swat on the hand\butt between the ages 2 and 4 - not often, not more than once at a time and not needed after age 4. Why? Because they learned you listen or there is a consequence, a consequence now for kids who are 8 and 13 are extra chores no payment, electronic removal, quiet time spent in their room with nothing 'fun', removal of activity planned that was a treat and if its really bad, those things over a period of days.

DH is big on threats, he has never followed through - ever - not once. Nothing lasts into the next day - NO DESSERT!!! Here do you want a chocolate before bed? Well its not fair since everyone else got one. NO MOVIES in bed tonight, here do you want your iPod? You can listen to music instead but NO MOVIES.

I don't know that my children fear me - but they do respect me.
DH's children do not respect him, why would they, he hasn't given them a reason to respect him.

I do not fear my parents, but I do respect them, even as an adult I may not agree with them, but I respect them.

Unhappy's picture

Are living with my DH 3familiesIn1. They have so many similarities. Geeesh. The threatening and not following through with punishments. Check. And there's always an excuse as to why. "I felt bad because I was really upset and I dished out a punishment that's to harsh for what the kid was doing." Really, this is why they don't listen to you and don't belive you when you say that you are going to punish them. I told him that even if he feels the punishment was to harsh that he still needs to follow though with it and had he just correct the behavior before he got that mad it would have never happened.

And the treat thing. It was either SS or SD that lost their treat for being crude at the dinner table when they were having breakfast. DH asks me which treat they lost and I told him it was the after dinner treat. (It's the only one that really matters to the kids.) DH responds with, "what about just taking away their after breakfast treat." I was floored by this. I think I actually had to pick my jaw up off of the floor before I could respond. I asked him, since when do the kids get an after breakfast treat? I mean really. Whatever he has to do to get them out of trouble he'll try.

Oh...and then there was the time that all three kids decided that they were going to make breakfast, which they know they are to young to do. SD was sticking knives in the toaster, burned herself, then said sh!t. SS comes running down the hall and tells us that SD just said sh!t by actually saying it. I jumped out of bed to see what the heck was going on and found a huge mess in the kitchen.

There punishment for doing all of that; they got plain oatmeal and a cup of water to wash it down. They didn't finish any of their breakfasts and said they were full. So what does DH do? He gives them all ice cream.

I swear. I feel like I've married the village idiot sometimes.

Gabriels Mom's picture

Holy crap! are you my sister? Seriously, my brother is the same way. He learned quickly not to mess with me because I fight back.

My dad (technically stepdad-my bf died when I was 2) was gone all the time for work. Even if he came home and punished my brother my mom would let him off punishment as soon as he left again. He expects my mom to take care of him his pseudo-wife and 4 kids. He is not responsible for ANYTHING he does EVER. It's never his fault.