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Hanny's picture

Submitted by Hanny on Wed, 08/15/2007 - 11:29am

My BF's daughter turned 18 and graduated HS in June. He no longer has to legally pay CS. Well this is killing BM. She's coming up with all kinds of extras for him to share in. He is willing to help his daughter in college, but he wants his daughter to talk to him about college, so he doesn't have to deal with BM any longer. His daughter hasn't been over for visitation for over a year now. But that's another story. It just seems like as long as he is giving money and buying gifts, graduation, birthday, she talks to him. But otherwise he can hardly get her to talk to him. I think he's right, if his daughter wants him to help with college, then she needs to talk to him about her plans and he will tell her where and how much he can help. BM says he is coping out because she says he knows that daughter won't talk to him about it or ask. This is the daughter that had sex at 16 1/2, wants to be treated like an adult, so I say if she wants to be treated like an adult then she needs to start acting like one and take some responsibility. BM is enabling her (always has). She let her quit her job and says that she doesn't need to work that she needs to concentrate on college (Jr college) by the way those of you who don't know Jr college in CA is not expensive at all. BM sent an e-mail to BF saying, I know she's no longer your responsibility, but she's still mine. BM says she knows BF has extra money now that he doesn't have to pay CS for the 18 year old. My feeling is that BM should tell daughter to talk to her dad regarding her college needs. It's hard to tell, but seems to be a lot of parent alienation going on over there. BM is happy as long as she is controlling BF and getting money, but as soon as he starts standing up for himself she tells him that the younger daughter (13) probably won't want to visit him much any more either, and on and on..... What do you think, would you consider this a copout?

Comments

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Wed, 08/15/2007 - 11:40am

your state laws on children visiting the non custodial parent but where I live, even if my ex does not pay support and even if my kids are 17 they have to go see there dad, why because if they do not I go to jail.. And I am not going to jail.. SO

And no husband needs to stick to his guns, in my opinion once my kids are of age, I really see no point in being in contact with my ex about them. They need money and stuff go talk to him, I am not calling him. Its called cut the chord.. My husband's son now is 22 and his ex and him talk constantly about there worries for him. I said WTF is wrong with you two, he is 22 and your still calling each other, boo hoo.. I am not sure of there conversations lately because well I just don't care, but I know it was way worse a couple of years back..

Take her to court and demand the child to visit, why because its the right thing to do..
Happy
"live life to its fullest everyday"

Rae's picture

Submitted by Rae on Wed, 08/15/2007 - 11:42am

We have the same problem. According to BM, the 18 and 20 year old kids need stuff all the time, and need the money for it, yet the kids won't talk to their dad and explain the need, or even ask nicely for the money. If it were me, I wouldn't give it to them unless they did. But my SO, must be suffering from extreme dad's guilt, because he keeps on sending it to BM for the kids.

I'm just not like that. I feel that if kids 18 and over need money from their parents, they need to discuss it, and earn it. For example, I willingly gave my son money for college on the condition that he make good grades. And he knew to ask, and to be just a little appreciative :-)... Oh and I didn't demand straight A's mind you, but good grades. He didn't, so he no longer gets any money from me.

I agree that it sounds like parental alienation is going on there, just by that email. Sounds like your bf has always been responsible and cares about his daughters, but the BM is undermining that, and trying out the poor me, it's all on me, it's all my responsibility garbage.

I personally feel he should stay strong on this issue...it's not too much to ask that the daughter discuss her plans with him. If they were still married and they were forking out the money, she would, so why shouldn't she have to now?

gertrude's picture

Submitted by gertrude on Wed, 08/15/2007 - 12:51pm

No way is it a cop out. We went through similar stuff when SD moved back with BM after high school. SD wouldn't call. I had DH call every Sunday evening. My folks have done that for years, so he saw the habit with my family and went with it. She would NOT call, and if she wasn't available at the time of his call, she would not return it! We always knew something was wrong when he couldn't reach her for 3 weekends in a row. Guaranteed that there was a problem that only money could solve. The BM would then call him with a desparate need for cash - for some problem the SD had. Our solution - no cash to that household. We pay bills that are emergencies, or if SD and DH had a chat (like I'm going to college - but that has never happened either...) that's it. BM thought she should get support even though SD was 18. - NO WAY!

Imustbcrazy's picture

Submitted by Imustbcrazy on Wed, 08/15/2007 - 1:24pm

14 more years.... 14 more years... 14 MORE YEARS!?!?!?!? Ugghhh... But we will have the BIGGEST Birthday bash EVER, he will believe that it is 100% for his "birthday" and technically it is because this day marks a day in history... #1~ No more CHILD SUPPORT- at least NOT made payable to BM... any financial assistance should and WILL be communicated DIRECTLY with the NOW ADULT.... and #2~ NO MORE PHONE CALLS... I can COMPLETELY understand if there is an 18 yo who a.is still in high school b.has been a trouble for some time and is absolutly NOT mature enough to handle "adult life" (but in this case... they don't get any money from us anyway, they get a copy of the classifieds and help with their resume) OR c.if there are health issues. THAT IS ALL.... if one of these 3 senarios is NOT the case~ NO MORE PHONE CALLS!!!! Ignore button HERE WE COME!!!!

Daddys Gurl

It's Better To Have Loved And Lost, Than To Have Spent The Rest Of My Life With THAT PSYCHO!!!!

Krissy's picture

Submitted by Krissy on Wed, 08/15/2007 - 2:02pm

I think an acceptable conversation between BF and his ex would be AFTER SD talks to him and tells him what her plans are. If at that point, the two of them spoke about what they both could afford and who was willing to pay for what, I don't think it's a big deal. But SD needs to initiate the conversation. Honestly, if she can't bring herself to start a dialog with her father about this, then I'd tell her to take out a loan, or file for financial aid. I don't believe that parents should just up and cut off their kids at 18, but since at that age the rest of the world will see them as an adult, then surely they can act like adults and handle the situation properly.

SD needs to grow up and her mother should follow suit. How about sitting down the kid that won't talk to her father and figure out what's going on that led to the lack of communication so that everyone can mend fences and move forward? Dumb BB.

Imustbcrazy's picture

Submitted by Imustbcrazy on Wed, 08/15/2007 - 3:25pm

Part of becoming an adult is learning HOW to handle adult issues on your own... therefore, assistance with these things should be communicated directly between the parent and child... they are now technically an adult and should act as one, even if they need a littl ehand holding along the way, they are just going to their PARENT for goodness sake, it is not like they are going to a stranger. THEN the parents can and should communicate. There are certain situations that will still require the attention of BOTH parents. I agree. But this is the time to start weening away from this and start handling things on their own.

A few years back my mom called my dad (divorced and HATE EACH OTHER for 16 years now) because my OLDER SISTER (31 at the time) was getting into some REALLY stupid stuff. We had something of an intervention with my mom, dad and all of us sisters. First time my parents had a conversation about the kids since I turned 18. Maybe had they communicated prior to this she would not be in the boat she is in now, but that is something my parents should have handled when she was 18, 19 whatever... instead they ignored it until it got out of control. There are instinces, I agree.

Daddys Gurl

It's Better To Have Loved And Lost, Than To Have Spent The Rest Of My Life With THAT PSYCHO!!!!

Hanny's picture

Submitted by Hanny on Wed, 08/15/2007 - 4:57pm

Thanks all for your input. I appreciate it. I am a step and bio, and I do discuss things with my ex regarding our daughter (27) from time to time when it is necessary. I agree that just because someone turns 18 does not mean you will never have to contact the ex again, just doesn't have to happen so often. And his big thing is he wants to give the money either to school or his daughter NOT the BM. Because she would probably not tell his daughter where the money came from. She even asked him for money for daughter to get some school clothes and shoes, since she wore uniforms in HS. That's ridiculous because the kid has more clothes than I do and she was working part time for the last 8 months and should have been saving some money or buying herself some clothes instead of buying a $500 cell phone. Like I said BM enables her, bought her a car, pay insurance and now will have to fork out gas money and spending money since SHE made a decision to tell her she didn't have to work. BM never asks BF before she does extras. The divorce says he has to pay 50% of extras, but they have to be agreed upon. She never asks him before hand, does what she wants and then informs him she needs half. And of course if he would say no, then she would tell the kid that their dad won't pay for them to go to camp, or she had to pay for the entire camp because their dad won't spend the money on them. The woman is a manipulative bitch. She wants to go back to graduate school for her masters in psychiatry. WTF!

Imustbcrazy's picture

Submitted by Imustbcrazy on Wed, 08/15/2007 - 5:01pm

To all of this...

Daddys Gurl

It's Better To Have Loved And Lost, Than To Have Spent The Rest Of My Life With THAT PSYCHO!!!!

luvdagirl's picture

Submitted by luvdagirl on Wed, 08/15/2007 - 9:10pm

I think SD should speak directly with her dad about school, however in some states (like mine) I know that both parents do hold some financial obligation to a college age child as long as they are attending. As far as the threat about the younger SD,enforce the visits if possible it sounds like manipulation tactics and thats B.S.

everythinghappens4areason's picture

Submitted by everythinghappe... on Wed, 08/15/2007 - 11:19pm

We have the same financial obligations for college/university here as well, but the child must have good attendance and proper marks to continue getting assistance from the non custodial parent. The child must also contribute a certain amount as well as BOTH parents....its usually a 1/3 split for all, unless one parent makes a lot more than the other parent. But I also believe that once the child reaches adulthood, it is up to her/him to speak to the parents about helping out, not making them pay for it all. This should also not be a reason for the BM to continue to drive the other family nuts.