For reasons that are way beyond my comprehension, Dh insisted that this year we had no choice but to go out to dinner with his exwife and his children to celebrate ss 16th birthday. I resisted this idea because in my heart we are not one big family…we are two now. I agreed thinking the exwifes parents would be there, the aunts, etc and it was a “family” celebration sort of get together but it turned out to be only me and |Dh’s old pre-divorce family. (How my DH could possibly think I wouldn’t feel like the odd man odd or a third wheel is again beyond my comprehension.) I suppose if I was out to dinner with my ex-husband, my kid and my new husband, knowing how I feel in ternally, if someone asked…which one of these items don’t’ belong in this picture, it would be my ex. So, I suppose hubby didn’t lie when he said he felt like his ex being at the table was a non-entity to him. ( Does she realize he feels like that? Or did he just tell ME that? I wonder.) I also wonder why the ex didn’t resist the idea? As much as my divorce is amicable and I could easily go out with my ex to dinner, WHY in God’s name would I want to if I didn’t have to?) Why did she want me to go with them too? Does my DH still pull a lot of weight in that family? I still don’t get it.

Anyway, I agreed to go because DH was really, really being forceful and stubborn about this. He was coming up with every reason why it couldn’t be done any other way…and honestly, I got emotionally tired. I truly just wanted to tell him to go without me – I didn’t care what anyone thought - but Fearless and Biomom convinced me to just do it and get it over with.

To backtrack a second, I want to explain that the the reason I struggle as a second wife is because my perception of my Dh’s divorce arrangement makes me feel as if he is still married to her but he’s just away on a business trip. (There’s many reasons why I feel this way, but I won’t go into now)

This blog is about the dinner experience and this is what happened:

Moments before we go to the bar/ restaurant. Dh announced…”Maybe this was a bad idea.” I didn’t say a word. I already knew it wasn’t a GOOD idea, that’s for sure and wanted him to squirm and be as uncomfortable as I was. If I tell you, I wanted to vomit in anticipation, that is an understatement. And, the sad thing is, it’s hard to describe exactly why. Maybe because it’s such an unnatural thing for a woman to share her man with another woman for any reason. Though men don’t believe this, it wasn’t a jealousy thing, or anything like that. It’s just that there’s only enough room for one mama in any given place in my opinion.

|The “mom” and ss were already seated at a rectangle table of four, and one chair was put at the head of the table..which “moi” sat in. (There was no way I could sit diaganolly across from “her.” Yet, from my seat at the head I stared at all four of them.) SS on my left, “her” next to him. SD across from her…and next o SD sat DAD…who sat across from the birthday boy and I was at the head on his left.

Did I order a cocktail first thing? You bet ya…Although I am a sophisticated martini drinker (LOL) since this was a chicken beer joint I ordered a beer…and hubby almost fainted! (I just had to keep him on his toes and be unpredictable.) His face was pricless!!! I ordered this foreign beer with such finesse! And he ordered the same thing! I was as COOL AS A CUCUMBER. Although you are never supposed to let them see you sweat I ordered my wings as “hot” as I could get them, picking each drumstick up with a napkin so I wouldn’t get my fingers sticky. Was I comfortable ?– ABSOLUTELY. Was I completely utterly myself – as both the kids stepmom and Dh’s wife, YES!!! Was his exwife (MY stepkids mother) lovely? YES…as I always told you guys…She’s a nice lady whose husband just fell out of love with her. So, the truth is…I was kind of sad watching this exfamily of 4 eat together. I don’t know how she felt…I just couldn’t read her….but everyone seemed to have fun. My original plan was to just be a wallflower and observe the ex and my DH together but my personality couldn’t pull it off. I probably got the conversation going the whole time!!! She and I wanted to go afterwards to the new ice cream joint but DH and the kids really weren’t up for it! DUH? (My DH wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.) We took the SS to the car to give him “our” gifts although he still thinks they are just from “dad” (never says Dad and ***) And before I left, I told the mom, I’d probably see her at the kids next sporting event. She offered me the use of her restroom when we dropped the son back off at his house. It was the way it should be.

Did I feel like a third wheel being with this family? No. If anything, I experienced more like what a mormon wife might feel like.

The good thing about this whole experience was that I think the ex got to know me a little better and I thnk she liked me. Not that it really matters but everyone can be at ease now if they need to be.

Do I want to be friends? NO – Will I always be friendly? – Yes, I hope so…as long as she always shows my marriage respect.

But the truth is…any experience we have will be affected by HOW WE ACTUALLY PERCEIVE IT and look at it!

I know I did not make her uncomfortable in any way…or at least I hope I didn’t. And she didn’t intentionally do anything to irk me either. I’ll never tell my husband I had a great time..cause truth be told, I still believe in separate celebrations. But in his eyes…he was proud of me. He couldn’t thank me enough and told me “I shone.” Whatever that means.